by Drayton Alan
The ceremony was steeped deeply in tradition and symbolism. It had been explained to Nigel that he was to be presented to the wedding guests standing on a giant wheeled tray, symbolizing the great bounty of the royal dairy herd. The Lactosian high priestess would make a bunch of pronouncements and present him to his bride. Then, as the bride looked on, all the guests would pull out crackers and… let’s just say it got weird after that. However, at some point the bride would claim him, rescuing him from the devouring crowds. This was a traditional reenactment drawn from Lactarian history where the royal family preserved the planet’s dairy heard from being eaten during a time of famine. The bride would speak to the logic of preserving the breeding stock for the future of the people of Lactosia. She would then take Nigel off the plate to reserve him and his superior genetics for the royal family, and to father future generations. After which she was to present him with a glass of cream, which they must drink together, symbolizing the royalty being given the best by its faithful subjects. With the ceremony finished, Nigel was to have become her husband.
Nigel reviewed all of this to be certain he did his part and avoid becoming an ex-groom. The music began, and the tray bearers came for him, helping him to get on the tray without ruining his suit. They pulled the tray into the antechamber and waited for the groom’s cue. The ceremony had begun.
***
Kale had received a call from Lou.
“The captain is gone to his lecture. We can start Operation Goat-Boy now.”
Kale ran to the custodial shop. He met Lou on the way and they entered Belle’s office upon arrival.
“Are we ready to snag Nigel? Engineering isn’t likely to pick up any of our teleports on ship’s sensors. Most of the chief engineers are at the lecture and the rest are lollygagging.”
“Well, I have been working on it, but we have a problem. I haven’t been able to get a signal from Nigel’s communicator in two days,” Belle said. “After that first transmission it seems to have pooped out.”
“Oh, great, why didn’t you tell me?” the lieutenant asked.
“I didn’t think it would matter, it’s not like we were going to change the plan, besides I was hoping it might come back on.”
“Now what do we do?” Kale asked.
“I have the last location. It’s at a ship docked at Lactosia’s main space station. However, the station isn’t open to outworlders. We can't be certain where he is—on the ship or the station.”
“Can’t we just teleport over and look around?” Kale asked.
“No, you might end up anywhere,” Belle said. “Even if you teleport into an open area, if someone is standing in your spot when you materialize—instant conjoined twins.”
“Besides it’s bound to be crawling with Lactarian amazons. That’s far too risky,” the lieutenant said.
“So how do we find him?” Kale asked.
They sat thinking a moment.
“The Centaurians said they might marry Nigel to one of the important families, right?” Kale asked. “Would their news carry wedding announcements of any kind?” He rubbed his arm.
“Let’s check and see,” Belle said. “Computer, list all past and future weddings listed on any of Lactosia’s news feeds. Also, check the station’s public events log for same.”
“There are no weddings listed in past or future,” the computer announced.
“I thought that would work,” Kale said. “But no weddings at all?”
The computer said, “Listing search updated for ALL weddings. No wedding listed in past or future, only current wedding, in progress now.”
“What! One in progress now!” Belle exclaimed. “Computer who are listed as bride and groom?”
“The bride is the Princess Glendena the first daughter of the Grand Lactoria Julienne, monarch of the planetary government.”
“Oh, I get it,” Kale said. “Since the wedding is ongoing, the computer didn’t mention it, since it wasn’t past or future.”
“I love computers, always tell you exactly what you ask for, never mind what you need,” the lieutenant muttered.
“Groom is only identified as Other on all related news sources,” the computer finished.
“That’s Nigel!” Kale exclaimed.
“Okay, there’s a good chance of it being him. But that doesn’t solve the issue of getting there,” the lieutenant said.
“If it’s a wedding, we should go, we’re friends of the groom after all?” Kale asked.
“One moment, I found a copy of the invitation on their network,” Belle said. “It has beam-in coordinates for guests. Oh, and something else, there is an unused invitation in the database for a Procurator Fresland. We can get in—that was easier than I expected. Okay, I snagged it, one guest. Black tie, no gifts, sit down meal after.”
“Good, I didn’t have time to shop and I hate buffets. I’ll go,” the lieutenant said.
“Well then, we had better replicate a tuxedo for you.” Belle began working on it when the lieutenant’s communicator alerted.
“Lou, this is the captain. Answer me.”
“Yes, sir?”
“I was expecting you to come to my lecture and represent your department. Instead, you sent the large Canabian woman and the little quiet fellow. I want you down here pronto, no excuses this time. Understood?”
“Yes, sir, was planning on it, wouldn’t miss it, sir. Just had a last-minute custodian thing pop up. But it’s all taken care of, I’ll be down in a moment.”
“I’ll be watching for you,” the captain said. “What about that other young man, what was his name? Cabbage? Collards?”
“Kale, sir?” the lieutenant suggested.
“Yes, the new one. My bush maimed his backside.”
“That’s him, sir. Kale is low man on the duty roster, so he’s stuck taking care of my emergency. He has to remain behind, sorry, sir.”
“No matter, Lou, can’t be helped, such is duty on a starship. I shall see you within the minute then. Captain out.”
“Kale, it looks like you are going to a wedding. You have to leave now!” the lieutenant said.
“Me, sir?”
“Yup. Don’t do anything stupid. Stand in the back and stay inconspicuous. As soon as you see Nigel, stick this teleport tag on him, then hit the button. Belle will do the rest. Got it?”
“Yes... sir,” Kale said. Kale was not at all happy about this, but he would take the risk to help his friend.
Suddenly his clothes sparkled and he was wearing a custom-tailored black tuxedo with copious shirt ruffles and a bow tie.
Belle smiled and nodded in approval of the well-dressed Kale.
“I have to go, good luck.” The lieutenant teleported to the captain’s lecture, leaving Kale and Belle to do the rest.
“Ready?” Belle asked Kale.
“No, actually.”
“That was rhetorical.” She pushed a button on her console.
Suddenly Kale shimmered into existence in a large ornate chamber.
There were hundreds of people in attendance. A servant woman came up to him and held out her hand for his invitation.
Panic instantly struck, Belle had forgotten the invitation. So he padded his pockets to stall.
“Excuse me, but I believe that could be it?” The woman pointed at a paper stuck to the front of his jacket.
Kale looked down and saw it had been attached to his suit. Relieved, he pulled it off and handed it to the woman.
She scanned it and her expression became concerned.
“Procurator Fresland, we are honored, Your Grace. I’m sorry if there is a short delay, we’ve had a slight mix up with our seating chart; we will have it adjusted in a moment.”
The woman whispered to another servant, who immediately took off running.
Kale’s face must have looked upset.
The servant became fearful, mistaking his look for anger. “I’m certain it was an oversight on our part. Your seat is one of the highest honor, I assure you. The
ceremony has already begun, so I regret I cannot announce you until it is over.” She raised her eyebrows and bowed her head as if to ask forgiveness.
Kale wondered what reputation Procurator Fresland had to elicit such a dread-filled response. He decided not to speak, so he gave her a contemptuous look and nodded slightly. She led him toward the front of the room. So much for staying in the back and running to Nigel when he appeared.
The servant came to a roped-off area surrounded by several bodyguards at the front of the room. The people sitting there were well dressed; the section reeked of money and privilege. Suddenly everyone was whispering and staring at him. The news of his arrival moved through the crowd like a wave.
At the far front of the room, on a podium, was a holy woman of some sort. She was speaking about the beauty of love, family, and, of course, cheese.
One of the security women lifted a rope and bowed as she motioned for Kale to have a seat inside the roped-off area. There was only one chair open. It was in the front row, second in from the aisle. He wasn’t sure, but he thought he’d seen someone being kicked out of the chair just before he’d arrived. Kale was anxious; whoever this Fresland guy was, he sure drew a lot of attention. He walked toward the chair slowly and stiffly like he imagined a rich person might walk, trying to be careful not to step on any toes.
Next to his chair was an ornately-dressed, attractive woman in her forties. The woman gave him a hospitable smile and motioned to the seat next to her. A servant whispered something in her ear. Immediately, she stood out of respect, as did everyone else in the room.
Kale gave her a smile and sat down quietly. He wished he’d had time to research who this Procurator Fresland was; by everyone’s reaction, he must be important. He rubbed his arm, again; it seemed to give him courage.
The holy woman droned on for another twenty minutes, mostly about cheese. At some point, Kale caught himself falling asleep on the nice woman’s shoulder; she politely allowed it, but mostly he remained upright. Coming to his senses, he looked around the room in case Nigel was present. It was at that point it finally struck him, he was the only male in the room. Even the guards were large muscular women.
Someone handed the priestess a note and as soon as she read it, she gave Kale a nervous smile and picked up the pace of her speech. Then as she was referring to important people from Lactosia’s history and thanking a few of the distinguished visitors, she made prominent mention of Procurator Fresland, thanking him for bringing such eminent honor to the gathering. Finally, she concluded her talk.
The music changed and everyone’s attention was drawn to a procession of women arrayed in gowns made of pure white cheesecloth. They walked down the aisle in a solemn metered gait to match the dignity of the music. Kale figured these must be the bridesmaids, he hadn’t been to many weddings, but still knew the basic components of one.
After all the bridesmaids made it to the front. The priestess now said in a loud clear voice, “Oh Mother, Oh Queen! Please call forth your daughter that we may see her splendor and beauty.”
The pretty woman next to Kale stood. She spoke in a clear and practiced voice. “I call thee forth, oh precious daughter of mine. The aging time has passed and you are ripened. Now is the day for your rind to be broken and your fragrance to be shared with the one chosen for you.”
Kale realized that the woman next to him, upon whose shoulder he’d just dozed, was the Grand Lactosia herself, the queen and leader of the Lactosian people. He knew he should’ve bitten his lip to stay awake—this was bad, it was very bad. He thought about pushing the button on his escape teleport to get away before they arrested him; but he couldn’t think of just himself, he had to think about poor Nigel.
The music changed again and now the bride, dressed in pure white, came walking gracefully down the aisle. Under her veil, you could barely make out eyes, nose, and mouth in the usual arrangement for humans. Kale was relieved by this fact for some reason.
Once the bride arrived at the front of the hall, she turned to gaze down the aisle, no doubt awaiting her groom. She stood there in her veil, or rind as the Lactarians called it in their cheese-centric lingo.
Oddly, there was a pause in the ceremony. Serving women came out with large trays filled with crackers. They began quickly and efficiently passing these out to the audience.
Kale thought it odd they’d have a snack halfway through such an important event, but he was a bit peckish after the long sermon—sensible people. Soon everyone had their crackers and the music began again. He was a little disappointed that the VIP section hadn’t received crackers, but he spied some cracker-laden trays off to the side nearby. Rich people probably didn’t get the same crackers as the common folk.
His cracker disappointment was interrupted by a strange squeaking noise, like a giant starving mouse, eager for a meal. Kale’s imagination ran wild; all this talk about cheese, the crackers, now the floor was vibrating, and he heard loud squeaking!
The thing finally came into view. A strange cheese decoration on a huge wheeled tray was being pushed slowly down the center aisle. Upon it sat a life-sized cheese sculpture of a man in a suit.
Kale was relieved the squeaking noise came from one of the cart’s wheels—odd they didn’t oil it for such an important event. He worried the maintenance crew might be sacked for not oiling it. Realization struck him. He looked closely at the sculpture—not a sculpture, it was Nigel!
Kale strained his eyes to see a man’s face between the creamy braids of mozzarella and cheerful headdress of Gouda, bedecked in various white and near white cheese. Sure enough, Nigel was staring out from under it all. Kale suppressed a laugh and wished for a camera.
He chided himself to quit being stupid. He needed to focus on tagging Nigel and getting away.
He shoved his hand in his pocket and felt the teleport tags. Then he looked at the big amazon guards and the ropes that surrounded him. The barrier was high enough to make him think twice about trying to jump, and the guards were alert. If he made a sudden break for Nigel, they might both end up dead. He decided to wait for a better opportunity to present itself.
“He is served!” the priestess announced.
Instantly, everyone in the audience, except the VIPs in the roped off section, swarmed Nigel. They used their crackers to dig at the layers of cheese in a frenzied assault. It was snacking on a scale seldom seen. Kale hoped they’d stop at the cheese but he was confident the more of Nigel that was exposed, the less appetite the crowd would have. Besides, how much damage could a cracker do, anyway?
As this was going on a servant brought out cheese on separate trays for the highbrow seats. The trays were carefully presented to all the guests in the VIP rows. Kale couldn’t watch any longer, besides he couldn’t see much due to the crowds. So when it came his turn, not wanting to appear rude, he took a portion of cheese, put it on his cracker, and nibbled. The taste was amazing. He quickly took a dozen more and munched them greedily. The pleasure of the snack’s creamy goodness radiated down his tongue as it slowly melted in his mouth.
No wonder the Lactarians love cheese so much. It’s amazing!, he thought.
The cheese had distracted him again from his duty. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve and turned his attention back to poor Nigel. He was alone now, wearing only his shorts and a bow tie. The crowd had been dispersed when the bride approached and waved her arms. She drove them away as part of some weird wedding ritual. After the crowd was reseated, the bride pulled the squeaky cart the rest of the way to the front of the auditorium. She held out her hand and Nigel stepped down off the big serving cart. They stood side by side as the priestess made several wedding pronouncements.
Kale heard something and turned to see the queen beside him crying for joy.
The bride took a golden vessel from a servant's tray and put it to Nigel’s lips. He drank from the cup, a creamy white foam dripped from his mouth.
The bride lifted her veil and drank the rest.
Kale was stunne
d; she was perhaps the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her eyes, her face, her hair... she was beyond stunning. He stood staring, locked under the spell of her beauty, until he was startled back to reality by the thunderous applause of the audience after the priestess pronounced them man and wife. The queen, still weeping, stood and moved forward a short distance; the servants removed the rope in front of Kale.
Kale realized this was his chance, everyone was busy applauding, crying, or something, so he took it. He leaped and in two steps, he was within reach of Nigel. He slapped the adhesive tag to his back and pressed the button. Nigel turned and saw Kale for an instant. His expression was one of confusion, then a glimmer of recognition. Nigel evaporated into shimmering light. Kale pressed his own button. A loud rumble of disapproval arose from the audience as they realized what was happening, but Kale didn’t look at them. However, right before he vanished, he saw the bride’s face one last time. Much to his shame, the young woman’s beautiful eyes communicated surprise, deep sadness, and then overwhelming grief as she realized what was happening. Kale’s heart dropped to his feet, which materialized inside the holding bin of a large trash hauler robot back on the U.C.S. Cosmos. He heard Nigel weeping beside him in the dark.
The bin’s lid opened and Belle called to them. “Are you guys okay in there?”
There was a momentary pause. Nigel moaned.
“Yes. I suppose,” was all Kale could say.
The front of the bin opened and the two men were led out.
A medic was there, ready just in case, but the initial scan revealed no physical damage to the men. Nigel was taken to his room to rest, and Kale sat at a desk in the corner, not in any mood to celebrate.
The rest of the crew soon came back from the captain’s lecture and they congratulated Kale for his brave rescue. The whole thing had left him shaken and worried. He felt like a rat. He’d stolen the cheese from the beautiful young woman. The look in her eyes kept replaying in his head. He left work early and just tried to sleep.
