●
“Hey!” Taylor pushes himself off the wall as I walk out of Clinical Pharmacology. It has been two weeks since we went on our date at Délicieux. The restaurant is too extravagant for my tastes, but I appreciate his gesture of paying. Since the date, Taylor waits for me outside classrooms and Davidson Pharmacy where I work. I understand the term ‘puppy love’ now because it feels like I’ve picked up a stray dog that is desperate for affection.
“Hey,” I echo. He leans in to kiss me, but I brush past him and walk down the hallway. He takes long strides to keep up with me.
Once outside, he rushes in front of me, cutting me off. “I thought we could have dinner together again. There’s this restaurant that makes the most amazing braised lamb shanks—”
“Taylor, I don’t want to go to a restaurant. I—I’m sorry, but it’s just not my kind of place.”
“That’s fine. We could order in.”
I shake my head. He leans in and kisses me. I don’t make any motion to encourage or discourage him. He steps back. “I haven’t seen Sam around lately,” he says.
“Yeah, she went to stay with Ahanna after their spring break together.”
He raises his eyebrow. “So…you have the apartment to yourself.”
“Yeah. It’s a good environment for studying and relaxing.”
“It could also be a good environment for just the two of us…to study each other.”
I stare at him, my mouth open. Shutting it, I let out a breath. “Are you serious?”
He smiles and takes my hand. “I couldn’t be more serious.”
Pulling away, I wave that same hand between the two of us. “We haven’t even been dating that long.”
Stiffening, he frowns. “People have one night stands all of the time. Compared to that, we’re practically married.”
I glance away to watch other students walking by. I hate what I am about to say but I can’t just kick him to the curb. “You can come over this weekend, but…just so we can get take-out.”
He plants a kiss on my cheek. It’s not unpleasant.“I’ll be over on Friday at six.” For the first time in the last week, he leaves my side instead of me escaping him. There’s a slight skip as he walks. He almost collides with a couple who have their arms around each other’s waists. The couple closes their eyes and kiss. When their eyes open again, I see a brightness glowing from their bodies. I touch my cheek. I only feel unilluminated.
●
Taylor arrives at exactly six o’ clock. I open the door to him and he hands me a bottle of white wine. We order Mongolian Beef, chicken lo mein, and chicken fried rice. As we eat, he keeps his arm around my back. It’s an awkward position to keep while eating, but he doesn’t seem uncomfortable. That makes one of us.
He picks up a piece of beef with his chopsticks and holds it up to my lips. I lean away from it. “I’m full.”
With a shrug he eats the beef. He kisses me, the oil on his lips making his lips greasy. “Kate, I know you want to take things slow, but I have never felt the way I feel about you with another woman. I look at you and see a woman who is passionate and intelligent. I see someone who I could spend the rest of my life with. I…I love you.”
The chopsticks fall from my fingers. I gaze at him. He’s a good person. He does all of the things a girl wishes her boyfriend would do for her—holds doors open, waits for her outside her classrooms, walks with her to her next destination, kisses her every chance he gets. I’ve been too critical. I have been waiting for this idea of love, like my infatuation with Adam, instead of enjoying what I have right in front of me.
The loneliness keeps creeping up into my bed every night like a predator stalking its prey.
I slip off my shirt. Taylor watches me, his eyes wide and I hope it’s with intrigue and excitement. I unclip my bra and it falls between us. He reaches out and strokes one of my nipples. A small shiver slides over my skin. I begin to unbutton his shirt, but he quickly yanks it off. We both undress, shedding the last shield between public and private. I find myself lost inside my own body. He grabs his wallet and pulls out a condom that looks like it has spent the whole semester tucked away.
We stretch out on the floor. We kiss and it seems sloppy but warm. I like it better when he touches my skin and slides his hand over me. But this is all happening so fast. I’m dizzy. Is this really how it’s supposed to be? Should I ask him to slow down? But isn’t passion all about fast and hot and brutal need?
He kisses me again and pushes his tongue deep into my mouth. I press against his shoulders. He seems to like that.
He nudges my legs apart with a knee. His erection bumps my thigh. A moment of panic grabs me. But Taylor moves his mouth away from mine and I grab a breath.
“You’re beautiful,” he mutters.
The words thrill me and for an instant I think this will be okay. But when he pushes into me burning pain stabs through me. He tells me it’s because I’m not relaxed enough. He pumps into me, his hips moving fast.
I kiss him and stroke his arms, but I don’t feel anything. Taylor rears over me, his eyes focused on a small mole on my shoulder. His body rocks as he moves inside me. He stiffens and gives a groan. I feel something hot leak down my leg.
After he gives into his pleasure, he lies on top of me. He wipes the sweat off his face and smiles down at me.
“That was amazing.”
I nod because the loneliness has fled. Now it is replaced by confusion and disgust.
That night, I sleep in spurts. When the clock says seven, I finally get up and unwrap myself from Taylor’s arms and limbs. He groans and stretches out over the living room rug. I slip into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I turn on the shower and stare at myself in the mirror above the sink.
“What is wrong with you?” I mumble. I smooth my hands over my body as if I expect to find a wrinkle from the loss of my virginity. I know a few girls who have had sex simply so they would no longer be virgins. It is rare to find a virgin in college, and they do not want to be in the minority. But I always wanted a special moment with The One and to feel a connection of trust and love.
I didn’t expect this to happen with Taylor next to Chinese food.
I jump into the shower and let the water cascade over me. As I scrub shampoo into my hair, somebody knocks on the door. Taylor pops his head in. The shower door is frosted glass. He can only see a distorted image of me, but I turn my back toward him anyway. It’s a strange reaction to have for someone I have had sex with, but it makes me feel more secure.
“Hey, Kate. I have to go check on one of my experiments. I’ll see you sometime later today.”
The door clicks shut behind him. I stare at the steam rising from the hot water. I wish I could disappear like it does.
●
When Sam returns to the apartment, I’m stirring a pot of soup. I burned my toast this morning, so I thought it was best if I cooked something from a can.
“Honey, I’m home.” Sam kicks the door shut because her hands are full. She sets down a basket on the table. Rushing over to me she gives me a big hug. “How are you doing?”
I have already called her to tell her what happened with Taylor. I shrug and say, “I don’t know. It still seems unreal and at the same time I keep going through it, over and over in my mind.”
“Don’t worry too much.” Sam rubs my arms. “I mean, I know it was a big deal to you, but there was a pretty big chance that your first experience was going to be shitty. We’re women. It tends to be uncomfortable for us the first time, while men get all of the fun. Assholes.”
“Sam.” I put my hand on her shoulder. “You’re gay. How would you know?”
“Kate.” Mimicking my gesture she puts her hand on my shoulder. “I didn’t come out of the womb knowing I was gay. I had sex with a man before I had sex with women. I shouldn’t say man. I should say boy…or asshole. He was one of those. No hard feelings though. He couldn’t help his phase and inclinations of asshole-ness.”
/> I raise my eyebrow. “I have to hear this story.”
She sighs. Sitting down at the table she motions to the basket. “Can you look at your present first? I got weird looks at the convenience store just for you. They think I’m running a brothel now.”
I walk over to the table. The basket is filled with condoms, new panties, chocolate, and a bottle of wine. I pull out the multiple condoms.
“I didn’t suddenly become a nympho, Sam.”
She grins. “You never know what feelings will suddenly come out.” Taking out the wine bottle she skips to the kitchen to get a corkscrew. She pops it open and pours two glasses. She hands one to me and sits back at the table.
After a sip of wine I lean against the table. “I believe I was promised the story about an asshole.”
“Picture the high school version of me. I had the same short hair and I was always kicking my Doc Martens. I wasn’t sure who I was, but the other kids always called me a dyke. I didn’t want to have this label on me, so at a party I hooked up with this guy, Joel. President of Student Council, and known to kiss and tell—jus what I needed. My plan worked. He told the entire student body I was a virgin and I was bad in bed. Which is interesting because he spilled his load early and I had to wait for him to get it up again.”
“Wow. That is terrible experience.”
She waves off my sympathy. “Not all first experiences are going to be a magical event. It’s kind of like the first time you get your training wheels off. Except instead of training wheels, you’re getting him off.”
I laugh and lift my wine glass to her. “Thanks, Sam…for telling me your story and making me feel better. I guess my expectations were just too high. I do like hanging out with Taylor. He’s a cool guy. I suppose I could give sex with him another chance too.”
She grins. “You get it, girl.” We clink our glasses and drink.
●
Davidson Pharmacy is the local community drug store that everyone goes to for the friendly service, great prices, and massive amounts of chocolate. I received a full scholarship, but I need the money I earn there for books, food, and rent.
“Hey, Kate.”
I look up to see Todd, my boss. Todd graduated from Drexton University about fifteen years ago. He has ebony black hair and a smile that sells more than any advertisement could. “Did you fill out Mrs. Rogers’s prescription?” He offers a smile with the question. His lean body is a few inches away from mine, but I can feel his body heat rolling off his skin.
“Yes. And I know I need to make sure she doesn’t sneak anything into that big purse of hers.”
He grins. “Awesome. You’re the greatest. The smartest decision I ever made was hiring you as my intern.”
“What about Kaelyn?” His daughter is a young, female version of Todd, lean and cute.
“She’s the best decision I ever made.” He gives a nod. “You’re still the smartest.”
I laugh. “Give her a few years. There will be boys and Ivy League officials knocking on your door.”
He groans. “I’ll need to get a Doberman for the yard.” He squeezes my shoulder. “Anyway, thanks for always being on top of everything.”
He walks toward the front of the pharmacy as Cindy, the technician, sneaks up to me. “You know that man wants you in the worst way,” she whispers. “If you were a decade older, he’d have whisked you off your feet.”
I laugh again, but it’s forced. “Cindy, you think every man wants me in the worst way. You also think Mr. Green and Mrs. Holder are hooking up.”
“They are.” She glances around and leans closer. “I am telling you…Mr. Green buys condoms even though his wife had her tubes tied. Mrs. Holder always tells Mr. Green he looks more handsome than Richard Gere. Nobody is more handsome than Richard Gere.”
I shake my head. “You’re wrong about Todd. He’s my boss and fifteen years older than me. He has a daughter, for God’s sake.”
She waves away my words. “Being a boss is just a profession. Age is just a number. And he’s not going to be single forever just because he has a daughter.”
“I have a boyfriend.” I bite my lower lip after the words tumble out. Why did I say that?
Her eyes widen and she blurts out, “What? How am I just hearing about this?”
I shrug. “It started a few weeks ago.”
“Well, my God, Kate—“
“Kate,” Todd calls out. I glance up as he approaches. “I forgot to ask you if you watched last week’s Orphan Black yet?”
“No, I haven’t had time.”
He scrunches his face in mock disappointment. “Who am I supposed to talk about it with then? Now I’m just going to have to fire you.”
“No!” I press a hand to my chest and pretend to be shocked. “If you give me another chance I’ll watch last week’s episode twice.”
“You better.” He holds up his pinkie. “Pinkie promise?”
“Pinkie promise,” I echo, locking my pinkie with his. He holds it for a second before letting go. As he walks back to continue his inventory, Taylor walks up to the counter.
Giving Todd the stink eye, Taylor asks, “Isn’t that your boss?”
My temper sparks but I swallow it down. “So what if he is?”
“Why are you two so touchy-feely?”
I turn back to the store computer. “We’ve worked together for a long time. We’ve become good friends.”
“You’ve been working a lot lately.” He sounds hurt and that irritates me even more. “Maybe you put in the long hours only because you want to see him?”
I slam down a pen. “I work a lot because I need the money.”
“You can’t need that much money.” He picks up a stick of gum and puts it back. He doesn’t understand. His parents pay for all of his needs.
“Well, I do. Besides, he’s thirty-eight. We’re at two different times in our lives. He’s been divorced and has a daughter, and my career has barely even begun.”
“That’s true.” Taylor wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me. “You know I only get jealous because I know how lucky I am to have you. I don’t want anyone stealing you away.”
“I know.” I push against his hold. “But you don’t have to worry. I would never even think to cheat on anyone.”
“Good.” He gives me another quick kiss. “When do you get off?”
“Just like always—until five.”
“Hmm…I have a class from five to seven and then I need to work in the lab, but I’ll talk to you when I’m done.”
“Great,” I say but I don’t get any energy or enthusiasm into the word. He slides his hand over my ass and then turns and strides down the aisles. In front of the condoms he grabs a box. He glances back at me, raises the box, and winks. My stomach churns until he's out of sight.
I watch the clock, waiting for five to roll around so I can finally have some time where I’m not working, in class, or have a boyfriend glued to my side. I stop Mrs. Rogers from shoplifting bubblegum lip balm and talk to Cindy about Taylor. Todd moves all over the place, making sure the whole pharmacy is functioning optimally. I’m surprised when Linda, Todd’s partner, walks in as I’m about to leave. Linda reminds me of my mother. She’s in her fifties and rather plump, but she emits energy like a teenage cheerleader.
“Katie-bug,” Linda says. She hugs me. I squeeze her back. “Where are you off to?”
“Just going home. Gonna kick off my shoes and lounge on the couch. What are you doing here?”
“Todd asked me to cover for him.” She winks and wiggles her eyebrows. “Apparently, he has a hot date at six.”
“Wow. At least one of us is getting out there.”
She props a hip against the counter. “What about that boy who’s been following you around?”
“Oh…” I pull in a breath and let it out. “Yeah, he’s…we’re together.”
Todd walks up to Linda, shaking his head. “Sorry, Linda, you didn’t need to come in. I just got a text. She has to cancel be
cause a business trip suddenly came up.”
“Pshh…” Linda waves away his apology. “I’m still going to work. You’ve already worked a shift. You should go to the bar and act like a regular guy.”
His shakes his head and puts his stare on his feet. I’ve never seen him so downcast before.
“Kate will go with you.” Linda tugs on my sleeve. I glance over at her. She nudges me with her elbow.
Todd raises his head. He looks from me to Linda and back.“Do you want to, Kate? We could just get a burger and beer. My treat.”
He needs a friend right now. Even with my relationship problems, I’ve had Sam to lean on. Between the store and his daughter I know he doesn’t get out much. Cindy, Linda, and I are the closest he has to friends.
“Sure,” I say.
He grins. “Thanks.” Reaching past me he grabs his coat. His arm brushes against my back and it sends a surge of heat under my skin. I step out of his way. What the hell was that?
●
“One rare burger and one medium burger.” The waitress clatters two plates in front of me. Todd thanks her and she smiles at him and walks away. I take a huge bite out of my burger and let out a groan. After weeks of Ramen, Spaghetti-o, and Taylor’s overpriced meals, a cheeseburger, no onions, mayo and no mustard tastes amazing. Cold beer to wash it down makes me feel an adult instead of a student. All of the pharmacy students tend to drink hard liquor because everyone wants to get drunk fast. Beer feels like an adult beverage.
Todd drags an onion ring through the ketchup on his plate. “So, what are your future plans?”
I swallow and wipe the meat drips from my chin. “Um, survive school.”
“Oh, come on. You’ll more than survive.”
“For all you know, I’ve been failing all of my classes.”
He shakes his head. “I know you. You’re a hard worker, you’re ambitious, and you never take less than what you deserve.”
His comments remind me of my underwhelming feelings toward Taylor. The word settling swells in my mind. I shift in my seat and stare at my burger.
“You look preoccupied,” he says.
Looking up, I tilt my head. “What?” “You get this crinkle in your forehead and your lips kind of pinch together the slightest bit.” He runs a finger over his forehead. He doesn’t have any lines and looks at least five years younger than his age.
Coffee, Love, and Other Stimulants Page 2
