Coffee, Love, and Other Stimulants

by Roselyn Jewell

  I blink a couple of times. “I never knew someone paid that much attention to me.”

  He eats another onion ring and says, “I know my co-workers.”

  “Oh, really? What about Cindy? Does she have a crinkle in her forehead too?”

  He laughs. “Honestly? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the interns I pay attention to.”

  In my pocket, my cell phone buzzes. I pull it out and glance at it. A text from Taylor. I slide my phone back into my pocket and take another bite of the incredible burger. After I wash it down, I ask, “What about you? Do you have future plans?”

  “I’m raising my daughter.” He smiles and makes it sound a pleasure not an obligation. “My plans have always surrounded Kaelyn and will always be about making sure she's happy.”

  “Isn’t that hard? Having your life revolve around someone else?”

  “It is.” He takes a bite of his burger and when he’s done says, “It’s worth it, though. The hardest part is the fact that my only company is eight years old. Thank you for coming out with me tonight.”

  “What about her mother?” I ask. I know I’m pushing but I’d really like to know. He swirls the beer in his bottle, his shoulders suddenly tense. I want to put a hand over his but I don’t. Instead, I try to lighten the mood. “You don’t have to tell me.”

  “No, it’s fine. I have full custody, but her mother picks her up after school on Friday and returns her Sunday night. I have custody because her mother is a recovering alcoholic. When Kaelyn was four, her mother didn’t have any visitation rights. But she’s gone through rehab and she’s staying sober, so she’s allowed to see Kaelyn on the weekends.”

  Now I really want to hold his hand or do something. Instead I poke at my burger and try to push the tomato back into the bun. “That sounds really hard. I can’t believe you’ve been through all of that and, you know, didn’t turn into a bitter person.”

  He shrugs. “I feel bad for Kaelyn—she didn’t have a choice in any of this. I’m the one who married her mother. I should have seen the warning signs. But she gave me Kaelyn and I can’t forget that.”

  “It’s not your fault.” This time I give into the impulse and brush my fingers over the back of his hand.

  At the touch, he glances down. He smiles and swirls his beer again. “At least her mother is doing well now.”

  My phone buzzes again. Another text from Taylor. Reaching into my pocket I set the phone to silent. I’m having a good time and I don’t want anything to spoil it.“Do you ever think of trying to make it work with her? You know, a second chance?”

  He shakes his head. “We got married because she was pregnant. I love her, but I was never in love with her, you know?”

  I shake my head and poke at my burger. “I don’t think I know anything about love.”

  “Nobody does. But when you feel it, you’ll know if it’s love or not.”

  I drink the rest of my beer. I’m pretty sure the love I feel for Taylor is the same way Todd feels about his ex-wife. That can’t be a good thing.

  “Do you want another?” Todd gestures to my bottle. I notice for the first time that his eyes are turquoise, the perfect mixture of blue and green. They remind me of satellite photos of Earth. “Kate?”

  I snap back to the reality of sitting here with him on this tilting planet instead of orbiting in outer space. I hold up my bottle. “Yes, thank you.” As he orders us more beer, I glance at my phone. I’ve missed eight texts. All from Taylor. I turn off my phone.

  Todd and I finish our burgers and nurse our beers. He tells me stories about Kaelyn and life as a pharmacist. I tell him about being a student and Sam. I should mention Taylor, I know that. The thought nags at me, but I am enjoying laughing and smiling. I don’t want to even think about Taylor.

  When our beer bottles start to line-up, Todd pays the tab. The alcohol is making my head feel lighter than air and my feet heavier than cement blocks. I find myself smiling without reason. He pulls out his cell phone. “I’m going to call a cab. Do you want to share one?”

  “No, I live about a block away. You shouldn’t have to pay for a cab. You can sleep off the beers on my couch.”

  The idea slips out of my mouth before it can settle in my mind.

  “Are you sure?” he asks.

  “Absolutely. What’s the point of having an apartment nearby if I can’t help my boss sleep off his inebriety? I’ll only hold it over you for…a week or something.”

  He laughs. “You’re such a big-hearted person. You should be careful with it.”

  “Careful with what?” I ask and have to steady myself as I stand.

  “Your heart,” he says and puts a hand on my elbow.

  We leave the bar. We occasionally bump up against each other as we walk to my apartment. We’re reduced to fits of laughter as we collide and watch other drunken people stagger away from the bars. We stumble up to my apartment and it takes two tries for me to get the key into the lock. I swing open the door.

  “Sam?” I call out. Silence. “She must be out or visiting her girlfriend.”

  Todd follows me inside. As I walk into the kitchen to set my bag down, he trips over the plant holder in the living room. It crashes to the ground and soil spills over the floor. We both burst into laughter. Todd tries to scoop up the dirt. I bend over to help him and fall onto my side. Todd grabs my wrist and pulls me onto my feet. I wobble, so he wraps his arm around me to keep me steady. I can smell the slightest hint of cologne mixed with beer on his clothes. Leaning into him I pull in a deep breath. I look up at him and see the world in his eyes. I think of all of the studying and all of the work I have done and how responsibility has never brought me any genuine happiness.

  I press my mouth against his. Euphoria ripples behind my lips. He tastes of beer and something that I think must be his own taste. I lick his lips and dive deeper.

  Todd’s hands travel down my spine. He explores my hips. His mouth is warm and wonderful and I wonder where he learned to kiss like this with a passion that sets me on fire. Wherever his skin touches my skin electricity spreads through me, shocking and rejuvenating. His stubble scrapes against my cheek. He presses his lips—so very warm and firm—against the side of my face. With my mouth free I can gulp down a breath and let out a soft moan. I could shout with joy for how I feel. His kisses travel down the side of my neck like butterflies dancing over my skin. Even in my drunken and tired state, I have never felt so awake in my life.

  His fingers slip under the waistband of my yoga pants and he pulls back a fraction. It feels like the Grand Canyon between us. I want close so I push my hips against his. I need his skin back against mine.

  “Do you…?” he asks his voice breathless.

  “Yes,” I breathe. And I know it’s not alcohol influencing my decision. I’m suddenly certain what I want and what I want is Todd. I shiver. He pulls down my yoga pants as I pull off his shirt. We fumble with the fabric, giggling again. We both nearly fall down onto each other, but he catches me and I press my hands against his chest. I marvel at the muscles that create landscapes with changing elevations all over his body.

  I’m wet now and a light sweat breaks out on my body. The heady scent of desire—mine and his—leaves me giddy and sets my pulse pounding.

  Grabbing his hand I lead him to my bedroom. I lay down on the bed, feeling decadent and more attractive than I ever have. It’s the way he looks at me that makes me feel wanton and wanted. He drapes his body over mine. He’s hard in all the right places. I know he wants me just as much as I want him. His erection presses against my thigh and I reach down to stroke it through is trousers.

  A crazy urge bursts loose in me. I want to put my mouth on him and tease him and make him moan.

  He kisses me, his mouth opening my mouth. He caresses my hair and it makes every single atom in my follicles tingle. I unbutton his khakis. He raises his hips and I tug down his pants, fumbling with excitement. He kicks the trousers off his feet and I start to giggle again. I’ve neve
r had sex that was this much fun.

  Grinning, Todd props himself up on an elbow. He skips his fingers over my ribs. His thumbs brush against my shoulders and he wipes my bra straps off my shoulders. I unclip my bra and let it fall to the floor. I’m aching for him now, and dripping wet between my thighs.

  I slide his boxer briefs down. He rears up and trails kisses down my thighs as he pulls down my bikini underwear. It’s nothing but hot skin and the sizzle of desire between us now.

  “I’m on birth control,” I murmur—something I never told Taylor.

  Todd kisses me again his mouth hot and demanding. Pleasure burns through me, vibrates on my skin and inside me. It’s such a simple thing, but far more than I have ever felt with Taylor.

  Todd slides his fingers over my skin and slips his hand between my legs. His touch leaves me moaning. The smell of sex blooms, a sea scent of my desire. Wet slicks me and Todd’s hand, and he gives a groan of raw need. That sound ripples through me and I want to hear it again.

  Raising up over me, Todd pushes himself into me with one hard, firm stroke. For once, it doesn’t feel like an invasion. It feels like something I have always been missing has come back. He moves inside me, gentle but urgent. I wrap my legs around him and press my palms against the wide muscles in his back. The world narrows down to our joined bodies, to Todd rocking into me, into the pressure building in me. With a gasp I pull Todd closer.

  His eyes focus on my eyes and I cannot look away. We exist in world where it is just the two of us. I can tell that he feels the same—I can see it in the way his eyes darken as his pupils expand. Grades, future, daughter…all of it fades away and it’s sensation and shared breaths and hot skin and…it’s wonderful.

  My body tenses. Need builds. I want more of him. I need more. An implosion of pleasure shakes inside me and spreads out from my center to my fingertips. I tremble underneath him. He reaches his peak and calls out my name in his ecstasy. Kate. His rough voice saying my name with such reverence repeats in my head and fills me with blissful happiness.

  We cling to each other, our breath mixing in short panting gasps that warm each other. Sweat slicks my skin and his. I’m floating and I can’t really tell where I end and he begins. I’ve never felt to connected, so joined, to anyone. I could stay here forever.

  He shifts his weight so he’s no longer on top of me, but he wraps his arms around my waist. “I’ve wanted that for a long time.” He kisses my cheek. “Not exactly the sex, but to feel you and make you feel that kind of nirvana.”

  “Thank you,” I murmur, the words a blur as I press my mouth to his skin. My heart slows again but my muscles feel limp and well used. His heavy breaths slow and the condensation of them dampens my shoulder. I imagine his closed eyes and I close my own eyes. I think I have seen the entire Earth in his irises. Under my hand his heart beat slows. But the world is revolving far too quickly and I don’t know if I can keep up.

  ●

  I dream I am swimming in warm, ocean air. I hear music playing. I swim farther out and the music becomes louder. I see Todd. I dive under the water and he follows me down. Instead of feeling the pressure from a lack of oxygen, I feel more alive. Todd grabs me and kisses me, filling me with his breath. The music is blaring now and I suddenly recognize the song. Technologic by Daft Punk. My ringtone.

  I wake and my hand instinctively searches for my phone. Sitting up I find my phone next to the bed. It’s after six in the morning. I’ve missed eleven calls from Taylor and twenty-two text messages. I glance over at Todd. He’s still in deep sleep, his mouth slightly open and his hair tousled. He looks good enough to eat with a spoon. I creep out of the bedroom and into the living room to call my voicemail. With each message Taylor’s voice changes from concern to the tone of an angry swarm of bees. In his final call, his voice is slow and every word is emphasized.

  “You better be lying in a ditch or passed out on the side of the road. This is not the way a girlfriend acts, especially any girlfriend of mine. You better have a damn good excuse and a damn good apology.”

  There’s a click as his call ends. I rub my temple as I type a text to him.

  Sorry Taylor. Went straight to bed. Felt sick and didn’t wake until now. Had a fever. Will call soon as I feel better.

  I hate the lie, and sending it makes me feel sick enough that it is less of a lie. I sit on the couch, set my phone down on the side table, and I rub my face with my hands. Taylor’s rage is unsettling. I’m sure he is scared about what might have happened to me, but it is disturbing to feel his fury through his words. It doesn’t matter. I’m sure sleeping with him will make it better. But after having sex with Todd sex with Taylor will seem impersonal and mechanical. How can I do that? But how can I just dump Taylor? Oh, God, what am I going to do?

  “Hey.”

  I look up. Todd is standing in the doorway, fully dressed. He runs his tongue over his teeth. “I am so sorry about last night. It was all my fault. I crossed a boundary and I made a terrible judgment call.”

  I lean back against the couch. Shoulders slumping, his words bump around inside me, leaving me hollow. I thought we had made a connection but now he’s talking about how it’s a mistake. Have I read him wrong? Did he lie when he was telling me he wants to touch me and make me happy?

  “I need you to understand that this never happened. I’m your boss. We drank some beer and had a burger. I slept on your couch. We woke up. I left,” he says the words dull. I nod even though I don’t understand any of what he’s saying. I have never felt the way I had feel with him and now he is telling me this? He walks by me to get to the door. As he reaches for the doorknob, it swings open. He steps back and Sam bounces inside.

  She glances between us. Her eyes widen but she holds out her hand to Todd. “Um, hi, I’m Sam.”

  “Todd.” They shake hands. “I’ve heard so much about you from Kate. You seem like a really great friend.”

  “Well, I don’t want to toot my horn…” She bares in her teeth in a smile that isn’t all that friendly. “But I would stab any man that hurt her.”

  He winces. “Good to know. She needs someone to have her back.” He turns to me. “I’ll see you at work tomorrow, Kate.” He scurries out of the apartment.

  Sam faces me. “Who was that and why was that the most tense situation I’ve ever been in?” I cover my face and the tears push their way out. Sam rushes over to me and wraps her arms around me. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

  I explain to her how we went out for beers and a burger and ended up sleeping together. “I felt like…we had something. I felt like I finally knew what the whole big deal about love was.” I continue to sniffle and sob. I wipe my running nose and Sam cradles me. After a few minutes, I gulp down a breath. “I don’t love Taylor,” I admit to her. “I hooked up with him and stayed with him because I didn’t want to be alone anymore. But after Todd…the relationship seems too fake to me.”

  Sam grabs my arm and shakes me. “Kate, you don’t have to continue your relationship with Taylor—in fact you need to be honest with him. But you can’t have a relationship with Todd. He’s your boss. He has a kid. He’s over a decade older than you.”

  “Everything feels like an echo compared to what I felt with him.” I lean into her and she leans up against me. “Maybe you just need to make some more noise then,” she says.

  I wrap my arm around her. “If I were gay, I would be completely in love with you.”

  She wipes the tears from my cheek.

  “And I would kindly reject your advances because you are a hot mess.” She kisses my cheek and I manage a weak, trembling laugh. She sits with me until I feel strong enough to stand.

  ●

  I sneak into work, making as little noise as I can as if Todd will hear my footsteps from wherever he is in the store. I go through the motions of my job, all the while watching for Todd.

  Two hours after I began working he finally approaches me. “Kate, could you call Dr. Farrow to ask him about the pre
scription Mrs. Dillinger said he wrote for her?”

  “Sure.” I force a smile and try to ignore how my voice cracks.

  He puts his hands in his pockets, pulls one out to shove it through his hair, and opens his mouth like he is going to say something. He shuts his mouth again, pivots on his heel and walks away.

  Cindy edges over to me. “What’s got his panties in a bunch?”

  I tuck my hair behind my ears and start to look up Dr. Farrow’s number. “What do you mean?”

  “He’s one of the friendliest guys I know and he just acted like you were strangers.”

  I don’t look up at her but I can feel Cindy’s stare burning into my back. “He’s just busy. Just like I am.” Liar, liar, liar!

  The rest of my shift continues with Todd’s formal aloofness and me turning into a bundle of shivering nerves. As I grab my bag to leave, he walks up behind the counter. “Could I talk to you behind the store?”

  Crossing my arms over my chest I swallow the hard lump in my throat. It doesn’t go away. “About prescriptions or Depends diapers?” “Please,” he says with earnest emphasis.

  I sigh, but I follow him to the back. In back, he turns around but he doesn’t look at me. He stares at the ground as he cracks his knuckles—a nervous habit he usually reserves for a customer with adverse effects from a drug or a small child who needs an emergency prescription for something lethal. He opens his mouth and a second later, he closes it.

  “What is it?” I ask.

  “What I did was wrong.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I—I abused my position of power.”

  “You didn’t abuse anything. I didn’t agree to sleep with you because you’re my boss. I slept with you because—”

  “Kate, I’ve been interested in you since the day we met. I became infatuated with your dedication, your intelligence, and your beauty. But nothing could happen between us.”