Gretchen grabs my hand. “Don’t.”
Jerking away from her I swing around to face her. “Say something! You should be more upset than I am. You’re engaged to him!”
Gretchen glances at Adam and bites her lower lip.
Adam drops to his knees in front of her. “Gretchen, baby, you know I love you. I am so sorry I did this. You were so far away and I needed a companion. I felt so lonely without you. I needed you and I made a mistake. I fucked up. I’m so sorry.”
All Adam’s done is apologize lately. Folding my arms so I won’t hit him again I stand to the side as the two of them gaze at each other. It’s as if I’m not even in the room anymore. Some small part of me hoped Adam cares more for me than for Gretchen. I realize I thought he would choose me over her. Now I know he doesn’t love me enough to give up his prior relationship. I was only a distraction for him.
Gretchen puts her hands on his shoulders. A calculating look comes into her eyes. “Of course, I forgive you. I understand. You’re a man. You have needs. I should have moved here sooner.”
My mouth falls open. For a second I stop breathing. I manage to choke down some air and ask her, “Are you kidding me?”
She turns to me. Her smile is wide and smug. “He made a mistake. He strayed. But he loves me. He always has. You were there to amuse him and now your part is done. You should find some other man to pine over now.”
“How can you marry him knowing he had a girlfriend on the side? What makes you think he won’t cheat on you again?” I pull back. Why did I think Adam wouldn’t cheat on me, even if he chose me?
Adam stands and kisses Gretchen. He holds her hand and faces me. “Gretchen has always been my one true love.”
I clench my fists. I could punch them both right now in one shot. Maybe I’m the lucky one here to be out of this.
Gretchen’s eyes harden. “Adam, if you mess up again, I may have to tell Daddy. He won’t be so willing to give you a job if he finds out you hurt his little girl.”
“I love you,” he tells her. They kiss again and his hands move down to grip her ass. Adam seems willing to do what Gretchen says for her money. Gretchen seems willing to forgive whatever Adam does for his adoration.
I will never be that kind of fool again.
I pull off the vine ring Adam gave me. It catches Gretchen’s eye. “Where did you get that? I’ve seen that at Tiffany’s.”
“Oh, this?” I ask. “Adam gave it to me. He must have used your money. I guess money buys anything and everything in his world.”
I toss it to her and she catches it. I head to the front door and jerk it open. “I hope you two have a nice life. Or at least the one you both deserve.”
I step out and slam the door shut behind me. The floor shakes but I keep my feet firmly on the ground.
Somehow I make it back to my apartment. I realize that I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in the apartment where I thought I would spend my life with my boyfriend. I don’t want to live a couple blocks away from him. I don’t want to be surrounded by my feelings of shame for being so easily fooled. I call the pharmacy.
“Hello. Davidson Pharmacy. This is Todd.”
I take a deep breath. I can do this. “Hey, Todd, it’s Kate.”
When I hear Todd’s voice, my defenses fall. Tears stream down my face and my breathing becomes ragged.
Todd must hear this because he asks, his voice suddenly filled with worry, “Kate? Kate, what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Do you need help?”
I gasp a breath of air. “No, I’m not…I’m not hurt. I just…I need a few days off.”
“Of course. Whatever you need. You can take as many days as you have to.”
“Thank you,” I mumble, sniffling. “I’m sorry. I know there’s only the two of us to handle everything.”
“It’s fine, Kate. I can do both shifts.”
I cover my eyes as I squeeze out the last few tears. I try to form some words of gratitude but I can’t get them out. Now I feel like a jerk for thinking Todd is another Taylor or Adam.
“Kate?” he asks concern heavy in his voice. “Do you need some company? I want to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine.” I force out the words. I breathe deeply, trying to regain some self-control. It takes a minute to calm myself. There’s only silence on the other side of the phone. “Are you there?”
“Yeah. I’m always here for you.”
“Thank you, Todd.”
“Kate? I…I hope everything is okay. If you need anything, you can always call.”
“I know. I’ll see you later.”
“See you later,” he echoes.
I hang up. His kindness breaks my heart more than anything else has because it reminds me why I love him, and a form of affection that I can never trust again.
●
They say home is where the heart is. If Meadowlark is home then my heart is full of liquor stores and ignorance. I wish my heart was drunk and naive. Sadly, it is fully aware of the real world and sober, which is a dangerous mix of attributes.
My mother sets a plate of lasagna in front of me. The lasagna is the size of a Bible. Tomato sauce, garlic, and spices fill the room. I’ve tried to refuse food from my mother for the last few days, but she still puts the largest portion possible in front of me. I jab it with my fork.
“Thanks, Mom,” I tell her.
My mother is from Kentucky. She grew up knowing food is the best comfort in the world. My world is one of terrorism and reality TV. I should be used to anxiety and frauds.
Mom sits down at the table. Dad is in the garage, tinkering. He and Mom have a deal that anything to do with emotional issues is something for Mom to handle. Mom smiles and puts her hand over mine. “Don’t let that boy drag down your spirit. He was a fool and one day he will realize that. He’s not worth any of your tears.”
“I know.” I poke at the pasta. “But that doesn’t change how I feel.”
“You just need a big change in your life. We should take a trip somewhere. Or you could go with Ellen—to California or New York. You could make a road trip out of it.”
I put down my fork. “Mom, I just started my career. I can’t ditch it now. I shouldn't have even taken time to come down here.”
“It would only be for a week or so. I just think you need to get away for awhile. You need to forget about Adam. It will be hard to move on with your life if you live a few blocks away from him.”
She’s right. Every time I’m in my apartment, I remember every place where Adam sat or stood and every place we had sex. When I step out of the door, I think how I go east to reach his apartment. The park is where we ate ice cream. The lake is where we went on the dinner cruise. I know every restaurant we dined at. The whole town is a reminder.
But how can I leave my job? Other than my parents, my career is the one reliable thing in my life. And then I think of another constant I have.
“I should call Sam.” I take my cell phone out of my pocket. “She’s left me a few messages, but I haven’t had the energy to reply.”
“Good idea,” she murmurs. She stands. I kiss her on the cheek, and she walks out of the dining room. She has always had ability to discern when I need to be alone. I dial Sam’s number.
“Hellllloooo,” Sam croons. “I’m so glad you called. I can’t decide kind of flowers I should be holding. I’ve never been a flower kind of girl, but you like flowers. Do you think I should have roses, carnations or lilies? I’ve heard lilies symbolize purity, so that might not be the best idea—”
“Not roses,” I interrupt. “I hate roses.”
“What? Adam gets you roses all of the time.” She pauses. “Wait. Did something happen?”
I sigh.
“Oh, God, you’re sighing. That means something big happened. What is it? Is he a serial killer? Does he kick puppies?”
“Sam, why would you think either of those things?”
“I’m trying to go with worst case scenarios, so whatever di
d happen doesn’t seem so bad. What is it, Kate? You know, you don’t even need to tell me. Just call him all the worst names in the world and I’ll listen.”
“You were right. He’s with another woman.”
“That rat bastard.”
“Actually, I guess I would be the other woman. He has a fiancée. A rich one.” I sigh again.
“That piece of shit, pig-nosed rat bastard.”
“And then he made it up with her.” I chew my lip to keep my emotions from pouring out in a sloppy mess. “Right there in the room in front of me.”
“That half-brained, piece of shit, pig—”
“Sam,” I interrupt. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you when you thought he was with someone else.”
“You don't need to apologize. I shouldn’t have said anything. You loved him. I should have respected your relationship enough to not expect that he was the dickwad that he is.”
“Well, I think it’s the mark of a true friend that you did tell me what you thought.”
“I didn’t want you to get hurt. Do you want me to come get you and we can hang out for a bit?”
“I’m actually at my parent’s house. I have to get away from my new apartment, but I want to do it permanently. Are there any job openings on your side of the state?”
“Oh, my God, there is! There’s an opening where I work at. Bryant Hospital.”
“A hospital pharmacy? That would be interesting.”
“My boss asked me a week ago if I knew anyone who could fill the position. I didn’t mention you because you seemed set where you are, but…I think this would be an awesome opportunity for you.”
I stare out the window. Rain spatters against the glass. A couple of feet away from the house a bright-colored bird hides under the large branches of an oak tree. This is a big step for me—do I really want to make it? Do I want to turn my life upside down? I know I need a change—a big one. I ask Sam, “Could you recommend me to your boss?”
“Absolutely!” She chatters on about new plans for me. My mouth is dry but so are my eyes.
The bird I am watching zooms out into the rainstorm. I can’t tell if it dodges each raindrop or if it simply lets them hit him. Either way, he keeps flying until he’s safely home. That’s what I need to do.
●
After a phone interview I get a call the next Monday with a job offer. It comes right before I walk into work. I end the call and push the door open with my shoulder. It slams against Todd. “Oh, God, I’m sorry,” I blurt out the words. “I didn’t see you.”
“It’s fine, Kate.” He touches my arm as if he hit me. “I only need use of one hand to do my job, so you can break the rest of my bones.”
My skin feels as if I’ve been dunked in scalding water. “I wouldn’t do that. I…um…need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay.” He steps out of the pharmacy the rest of the way and I follow him to the bench in front of the store. We sit and I fumble with my purse. Todd puts one hand over mine. “What’s up?”
“I…you know that I was having personal issues?” He doesn’t say anything, just sits with me and holds my hand. I take a breath. This is harder than I thought it would be. “I need to get away. Not just for a day or two, but…permanently.”
His smile falls and his eyes dim. “You’re moving,” he says as if he already knew what I would say.
“I know I haven’t had this job a long time. I appreciate that you hired me more than you’ll ever know, but…” My words dry up. My throat feels like sandpaper. I wet my lips and push back my shoulders. “I think I need to see what else is out there. I already have a job lined up.”
He takes his hand away from mine and looks away to watch a car drive into the parking lot. When he turns back he asks, “Does this have anything to do with Adam?” I flinch. He must see the movement because he scowls. “He always seemed like an asshole.”
“The reason doesn’t matter, Todd.”
“Okay. But you should know you can always come back.”
I get to my feet. Todd stands up too. He bumps into me and grabs my arm to steady me. I look into his eyes. They are so blue and still remind me of the Earth. I want to tell him every secret I’ve kept locked inside my chest. If I do that then I’ll have to confess all the feelings I have for him. That will embarrass him and leave me acting like a fool again. I need to grow up and stop looking for a man to make me feel better. I step back. “Please think of this as my two weeks’ notice.”
“I wish I could keep you longer, but if you need to leave right away, go ahead. We’ll manage. I don’t want you to feel trapped.”
He smiles. “Can you just promise me one thing? Protect your heart. But don’t close it up.”
I nod even though it’s too late for either precaution.
●
I tell my landlord I’ll pay the remainder of the year-long lease, but he says I don’t need to because he won’t have a problem finding another student to rent the apartment. My father hires a U-Haul truck, helps me pack, and drives me to Pittsburgh. He helps me bring a few basics into Sam and Ahanna’s apartment where I’m staying for now. The rest go into a storage unit. Before he leaves, he gives me a hug and tells me he’s proud of me. By the time Sam, Ahanna, and I sit down to share a pizza, I am exhausted, sad, and a tiny bit hopeful.
“You guys are really great for letting me stay here,” I say and pull out a slice of pizza. It’s mushroom with green olives. The hot cheese slaps against my hand and I lick it off. “I hope I can at least help with the wedding.”
“You could help by getting Miss Procrastination here to call the caterer and the bakery,” Ahanna says.
“Hey!” Sam gives her a mock slap on the wrist. “Pretty soon you’ll be Mrs. Procrastination, so I wouldn’t be calling people names.”
“That’s Mrs. Hardass-Procrastination to you,” Ahanna says.
Sam turns to me. “If you ever feel like getting engaged, just remember you have to deal with crazy—” She stops speaking as I grimace. “Shit. I forgot about that.”
“It’s fine.” I wave away her worry. “I thought my boyfriend was going to propose…and he did. To someone else. No big deal.”
“He’s a prick,” Sam says. “If he were here, I would take that engagement ring from that woman and shove it so far up his ass that it’d fill up that hole where his heart is supposed to be.”
“Sam,” Ahanna groans. “Do you have to say that while were eating?”
“That woman’s ring finger was in that scenario, but I censored it out. Because I love you,” Sam says.
Ahanna rolls her eyes. “God help me, I love you too.” They kiss each other. It’s just a quick press of their lips, but the look in Sam’s eyes and on Ahanna’s face is so sweet. I can’t imagine having a kind of love like that where you have someone by your side through everything and have a future together. It seems impossibly rare.
Ahanna stands and throws her paper plate into the garbage. “I’m going to go get ready for bed. We all have an early day tomorrow.”
“It isn’t even ten o’ clock yet. You are a hardass,” Sam complains.
“You love my hard ass,” she says. Ahanna leaves the kitchen and disappears into the bedroom. Sam turns to me. “I hope you don’t mind sleeping on the sofa. It pulls out and it’s pretty comfy.”
“I’d sleep on the floor or in the tub. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to both of you for letting me stay here. But I feel guilty moving in while you guys are planning your wedding.”
“Pshh. You’re my best friend. I’m here for you until you have me committed to a psych ward. That will put a dent in our friendship.” She gives me a hug. I tear off part of my paper plate and twist it into a ring.
“Samantha Anne Cuthbert, Will you be my best friend forever and make me the happiest woman in the world?”
“I thought you’d never ask.” Sam presses her hand to her chest in mock surprise. I slide the paper ring onto her finger next to her engagement ring. She
kisses my cheek.
I don’t feel like I’m home yet, but I don’t feel lost anymore either.
●
Bryant Hospital is a series of buildings. The shortest one is three levels and the tallest is twelve high. Sam gives me a tour of everything. I’m worn out and my feet hurt by the time we end up at the pharmacy.
“You’ve already done all this stuff—giving drug information and dispensing medicine, but we also train residents, help track patients’ reactions to medicine, prevent and find remedies to bad reactions, and you could end up part of a research program.” Sam sounds more like my boss now.
“So…I won’t be busy at all. How are you planning a wedding while doing all of this?”
“Well, I have told residents I want them to dispense Valium and put it on the bridal registry.”
I laugh. “That would be quite the wedding present.”
Sam leans against the pharmacy counter. The place is huge and I finger the white lab coat I wear now. “Do you feel ready for this?” she asks.
“No.” I glance around at the shelves and shelves of drugs. “I didn’t know the hospital was this big.”
“You’ll be fine.” Sam pats my arm. “And trapped inside this room. They’ll bring clean water and bread when we start clawing at the doors in our desperate attempt at freedom.”
I shake my head. “Jeez, that sounds fun...”
“It’ll be great to have you here.”
I hug her. “You’re like the sister I never had.”
“Kate, could you imagine one mother dealing with both of us?” She pulls back. “I mean, I would be the bad kid, but you would be the smartass.”
“We would have gotten in all kinds of trouble.”
“Oh, hey we should grab some coffee? Next shift starts in ten minutes.”
“Have I ever said no to caffeine?” I ask and think about doing without hazelnut syrup. But then I change my mind. Adam isn’t going to make me give up the fun out of my life.
Sam smiles at me. “You’re going to fit right in here.”
Chapter 5: Kate's New Life
Apartment hunting in Pittsburgh is more difficult than it was in Drexton. Most of the apartments in my budget have thin walls and loud neighbors or shifty looking people standing on nearby corners. Sam walks with me as we drive from apartment to apartment.
Coffee, Love, and Other Stimulants Page 10
