‘Ash, you OK?’ Rose calls after her. But she just keeps going.
‘It’s hard for her, today,’ I say, my eyes following Ash as she disappears inside. A few seconds later my phone buzzes in my pocket and I take it out as we walk slowly to registration; it’s from Ash.
I need to see you and Leo. In the hall, third period, cut class. Don’t bring Rose.
It’s easy for me to find a reason to leave R.E., all I have to do is mention girl’s stuff, and Mr Grimes waves me out of the class before he has to think about it. I tell him I’m going to see the school nurse for some paracetamol, but of course instead I head for the main hall. It’s supposed to be locked up tight to keep curious kids out, and all the borrowed equipment inside safe and primed ready for tonight. I was never sure how Ash was planning to get in there, assuming that she’d be able to somehow externally hack the mixing desk and the laptops that were running the video, but when she sees Leo and I approaching from different directions she jerks her head, indicating that we should follow her, so we do, trailing her into reception. The school secretary is on the phone, gazing out of the window. Seeing her chance, Ash darts to the door that leads to the gallery stairs and, slipping a key out of her pocket, unlocks it. She disappears inside, reopening the door just a crack, beckoning us to follow her. We wait. Mrs Minchen puts the phone down and turns back to her computer monitor. Seconds tick past – before long the bell will ring for fourth period and then we won’t have just been excused, we will be missing.
Then Mrs Minchen gets up, going out the back, heading for the ladies. We both run, bolting through the door and up the stairs. When we get upstairs, Ashira is sitting with a torch between her teeth working on the laptop that’s wired into the mixing desk. I feel a moment of regret, remembering how Emily smiled when she showed me the desk, and how proud she was of it. I’d felt bad when I’d sent Ash the photos last night, and I feel bad again now. I like Emily, she always smiles and she never cares what other people think of her. It’s a shame that all of her good work is going to waste and she doesn’t know a thing about it, won’t know a thing about it until she sits at this desk tonight. I hope she understands. I hope she gets why we are doing what we’re doing.
Ash looks up when she sees us, and takes the torch out of her mouth.
‘What do you need us for?’ I ask in a whisper. The hall is large and empty but still it doesn’t feel right to talk at normal volume.
‘I got him, last night,’ Ash says. ‘I got right inside his world. Everything, everything there at my fingertips, every grubby little secret. And there are some things I need to tell you. Dark things.’
‘OK.’ I sit down on one of the plastic chairs that have been left up here.
‘Carly Shields, she was one of his first,’ she says. ‘I found photos, videos, emails. And Danni, Danielle Haven, that’s her real name.’
‘God.’ I cover my mouth with my hand and look at Leo, who shakes his head, his fists clenching.
‘Look,’ Ash says, ‘I know better than anyone how this makes us all feel, but we are so close now. So close to getting him, for the sake of Naomi, Carly, Rose and the other girls. Keep your cool, we are nearly there.’
I look at Leo, and see the way his jaw is clenched.
‘It’s going to be really hard not to just punch his lights out . . . ’
‘I need to know.’ Ash’s voice is steady, her expression laser focused. ‘Are you up for this?’
Leo looks at me, ‘Fuck yeah.’
‘Do it,’ I say.
For a second we are silent, because we each of us know that there is no turning back now.
39
I think I’m going to be OK when I go into music class, but the second I see her, standing next to him, talking in a low voice, everything falls away, and I don’t care about one single thing except getting between them.
‘Hello.’ My voice is brittle, made of cold metal. I try hard to melt it into something softer, less obvious but it’s impossible. ‘Sir, I was thinking that maybe Rose and I could be excused because it’s lunch next, and we were going to just run over the set one more time.’
‘I thought you were going to rest today, so you are fresh for tonight.’ Mr Smith frowned. ‘You don’t want to kill the vibe, besides, this is your GCSEs, Red. You need to be in this lesson.’
‘Yeah, sure, we don’t need to do any more practice.’ Rose frowns at me, and the truce between us is so fragile, so tender, that I don’t want to do anything to break it, but not as much as I don’t want him to lay a fucking finger on her ever fucking again.
‘Actually, Rose, if I’m honest this whole thing is kind of getting to me. It’s Nai’s birthday, the concert, the doctors trying to wake her up. I just need a bit of time, will you come with me? Please.’
Rose looks from me to him, and I can see the anxiety in her face.
‘Can I?’ she asks. And it’s not the way a pupil asks a teacher, it’s much more intimate than that. The shift in his body language in response is minute, hardly there, but I see it. A proprietorial shift that makes it hard to let her go with me, and suddenly I understand why. I’m not just some loser kid to him, I’m a rival.
‘Course,’ he says, but he doesn’t smile. ‘It’s a hard day for you both. Go and have a moment. Back in ten, OK?’
I find the nearest exit and suck in some deep breaths of cold air.
‘Red, I mean I’m glad things are getting back to normal between us, and yes, we said we’d talk about Nai today, but that was a bit . . . intense.’
‘I just . . . I just want you to be safe.’ I blurt out the words before I can stop myself, and of course they make no sense to her. Of course, she frowns and looks uncomfortable, stepping away from me.
‘Red, stop it, OK? Look, you’re feeling upset, we all are today. It’s going to be hard, but I am safe, I’m really happy actually, happier than I’ve been for a long time. I feel like I’ve met someone who understands me, who sees me for who I am. Who really cares about me, you know? I get you have feelings for me, and well, there’s part of me that’s very touched by that, but at the end of the day, Red, we can’t ever have that kind of relationship. So if you can’t live with that, and be happy for me then . . . I think maybe we’ll have to stay apart.’
Every word is killing me slowly, chewing chunks off me and spitting them out. Not the rejection, that part I can take, I’ve been ready for it. It’s the hope in her eyes, the smile on her lips. The love that she believes in, that she is so ready to give, to feel safe and cared for. That’s what I can’t bear. But I have to just hide it away, all of this. For a few more hours, I have to hide away. One wrong word now and he will have won.
‘I know, I get that. I just want what we had back then, Rose. That other stuff, I kind of just lost it. It wasn’t real, it was a moment. A stupid moment. But I’ve lost one of my best friends and so have you. Let’s not do that to each other again, OK?’
‘Right.’ She hesitates for a moment and then hugs me. ‘You look broken, pal, she says. ‘But it will be all right. Tonight we are going to be amazing, and I know it feels like we’ve got to live the rest of our lives stuck in this rat trap, but you know what? It’s going to go by so quickly, and who gives a fuck about GCSEs, there are so many more important things, like travel and adventure. And running away to the other side of the world, exploring the Amazon!’
‘Exploring the Amazon?’ I make myself smile. ‘You do realise that you can’t even stand to be near a woodlouse.’
‘Because they’re evil,’ Rose replies very seriously and I can’t help but smile.
‘So are we going to go back to class now?’ she says.
‘I guess so.’
The look that passes between Smith and Rose as we walk back into the classroom is lost on everyone but me.
40
The hall buzzes with chat and laughter already, and the audience hasn’t even begun to arrive yet, it’s just the lighting crew and Emily, and some of the teachers who’ve come in
early to wish us luck. Nerves knot and double knot my insides, my mouth is dry and I couldn’t eat anything after breakfast today. If this was just a gig, then I’d be nervous but excited, pumped up, ready to go. But this isn’t just a gig. This may be the most important thing that I will ever do.
It’s strange to know ahead of almost everyone else that the clock is ticking downwards towards something terrible, something that will change everything. I just hope that Ash, Leo and I have got it right. I hope that it’s a disaster for him, and not us.
‘OK?’ Emily appears at my side.
‘I think so. And you?’
‘Yeah, all the hard work is done to be honest,’ she says. ‘I pretty much just have to press play and cross my fingers now.’ Her smile is sweet, her voice light. I like looking at her.
‘Red,’ she says. ‘Listen, I was thinking and I—’
Before she can say any more my phone rings, and when I see the number I know I have to answer it.
‘Sorry,’ I cut her off, waving the phone at her like a total dickhead. ‘Sorry, I’ve really got to take this.’
‘Really? We start letting the audience in in about four minutes!’ Emily calls after me.
‘Got it,’ I reply, but really I’m already listening to the person on the other end of the line.
‘OK,’ I say, ‘we’re on.’
We stand behind the curtain, just the three of us, because Leckraj is suffering from a serious case of pre-gig nerves and is still on the loo, listening to the hall fill up with voices. There’s a tiny gap between the curtains, and every now and then we take turns to peep through. I see my parents and Gracie and I hope that my dad has the good sense to get them out of there when it all kicks off. Ash is here, but not her mum and dad. They are still at Nai’s bedside. Still waiting for her to come back to them.
When I see Ash, taking her place in the front row that I reserved for her, I try to study her face, looking for some sign of how Nai’s doing, but there’s nothing there. Nothing at all.
‘Be back in a sec,’ I say.
‘Red, where are you going?’ Rose calls after me.
I climb down the stage, crouching in front of Ash.
‘How is she?’ I ask her. When she looks up from her hands, her eyes are full of tears; she doesn’t speak only shakes her head once.
‘Do you have to be here?’ I cover her hands. ‘You could go, you don’t have to sit through this.’
‘I do,’ she whispers. ‘I do. It’s all set up to roll, but I still have to be able to take control of the system with my phone and override anyone who might try to pull the plug. Anyway, I want to see him go down. I have to. For her. I’m OK. A couple more hours and I’ll fall apart, but until then, I’m OK.
‘Love!’ Dad has spotted me and is beckoning me over. Squeezing Ash’s hands, I glance back at the curtain and run over to where my family is sitting. ‘I got to go,’ I say. ‘Look, Dad. A lot of this isn’t really going to be right for Gracie. Swearing and stuff, talk about death and depression. The first song is really good, then I think you should take her home. Right after the first song.’
‘Don’t you want us to watch you?’
‘I do,’ I say, ‘but I don’t want to upset Gracie. Mum will stay, won’t you, Mum?’
Mum looks pale, and drawn, clutching on to her bag very tightly, but a light dawns in her eyes when I ask her to stay and she smiles.
‘Yes, I’ll stay,’ she says.
‘I don’t want to go home,’ Gracie begins to moan.
‘Red!’ Leo shouts to me from behind the curtain. ‘Hurry up!’
‘Listen,’ I say. ‘When this is done, you and me we can form our own band, OK?’
‘Can I be the singer? Grace demands.
‘For sure.’
‘Daddy, I’m going to be a singer!’
As I run back to the stage, I glance at Ashira, she nods at me once.
This.
Is.
It.
Sound explodes out of the P.A. systems, filling the hall with noise. I close my eyes and I let myself fall into the music. Every part of me, every atom tunes into the music, vibrating at the perfect pitch. Leo burns a path with his guitar, Rose sings her heart out, and Leckraj is there under it all, pinning it all together. But in my heart, in my head, it’s not him I hear, or even see behind my lids. It’s her. Standing next to my kit, turned towards me, like she always did, shoulder hunched around her ears as she directs every bit of energy she has into the music, her head punctuating every beat. For three amazing minutes she is back on stage, large as life, haunting this song that she wrote, making it hers again, and they are three minutes of magic. I know I’m not the only one to feel that way, I know the others do too, I can see it in their smiles, in the way they move, in the rise and power in Rose’s voice, and I get it suddenly; the way to deal with all this shit is to beat the fuck out of it with my sticks.
Cymbals crash, my bass drum vibrates and the song comes to an end. The audience are on their feet. Rose turns around and beams at me as Mr Smith walks across the stage, and she steps away from the microphone.
‘That was a very special start to this very special evening,’ he tells the crowd. ‘And how wonderful to be here tonight to honour this remarkable young woman.’ Naomi’s photo appears on the huge screen behind us, and we all turn to look at it.
‘I’ve had the pleasure of watching Naomi grow up,’ he continues. ‘Of seeing what an incredible young woman she has become. It’s clear to all of us that she was going through some difficult times, that she didn’t feel she had anyone to turn to. And that’s why we’ve staged this concert today, for Naomi, to show her how many people love her, and also to show every kid who feels like that. Because we want them to know that they are not alone.’
Catching Leckraj’s eye, I signal for him to come over to me.
‘Don’t play the next track, OK? We’ve got a surprise planned. Tell Rose too.’ Leckraj shrugs and goes over to Rose, whispering in her ear. She turns around and looks at me with a questioning look on her face. I get down from the drums and walk to the front of the stage and stare at Smith. He sees me looking at him, watching him, and falters for a moment, before going back to his speech. One sick lie after another. Leo puts down his guitar and stands on the other side of him, and stares too. And after a moment, Smith stops talking, and half laughs.
‘I get the feeling that these two are trying to tell me something.’
‘We are,’ Leo says. ‘Tonight is a night not only to remember Naomi, but to try to understand what happened to her. And to protect other teenagers like her, like us, from going through the same thing. And we know that you took an interest in her, sir. A really close interest. So we made a special video. Just for you.’
I look at Ashira and she presses play from her phone.
Naomi laughing, running in sunshine, there’s snow on the ground and she’s smiling, looking back at the camera, and blowing kisses. Her hair is loose, her eyes glitter. There’s a tussle, a moment of confusion, the ground, the sky, a blurred face and then it’s clear that Nai has the phone, as she turns it around on the filmmaker. The room gasps as they see Mr Smith.
‘Tell me you love me, say it!’ Naomi laughs. ‘Go on, say it! I want to hear you say that you love me one more time.’
‘I love you,’ Mr Smith says right into the camera. ‘Now give it back, will you!’
The film jump-cuts to a room, bright with electric lights and Naomi sitting on an unfamiliar bed, her shoulders hunched, her arms wrapped around her, trying to cover herself. She is crying. This time he speaks.
‘Tell me you love me,’ he says, voice robotic, emotionless. ‘Go on. Tell me you love me.’
There are gasps, shouts from the audience as Mr Smith turns to face the big screen, transfixed by the innards of his life being ripped right out for all to see. Photos, dozens of them, fill up the screen in quick succession, the faces and bodies of the girls pixelated out. There are screen shots of his secret groups, clos
e-ups of his comments.
‘Look at this one, she’s ripe for the picking.’
His email list comes up and opens, his chat rooms, his photo library. It’s all there, images of him with arms around girls, girls who look scared, girls who look lost, girls that I know. But no images of Rose, we’d agreed on that. No one needed to know about Rose.
As the images continue to stream the crowd falls silent, just watching. Some have their hands clasped over their mouths, some are crying. Some stand up in their seats trying to make sense of it all.
And then I see Rose, see her take it all in, and what it means. I see her realising what Smith is, and what his promises were made for. I see her realise that she was on the point of being lost for good, just when she thought she was found. She turns away from the screen and looks at Smith, and the hurt in her face is unbearable. Shaking her head, she turns on her heels and runs. I try to go after her, but Smith blocks my path off the stage.
‘Who’s doing this?’ Mr Smith is shocked into action as Rose starts pulling at cables trying to disconnect the power, tearing down the huge screen just as his WhatsApp messages with Naomi flash up.
‘What’s going on here? Why are you doing this?’ he screeches.
The video keeps playing out against the back wall and a light from the gallery shines right on it, somehow I know it’s Emily, making sure that nothing is missed.
‘Whoever is doing this, it’s lies, all lies.’ He’s pathetic suddenly, face red, voice strained. But this isn’t even close to what he put these girls through.
Just as the video stops, the doors at the back of the hall open, and I see her. The police constable I met in the park, P.C. Wiggins. She stands there watching as I nod at Ashira who gets up from her seat and passes a packet to the police officer. As Ash gets to the doors she looks at me and smiles.
And she leaves.
The film lasts a few seconds more and then there is silence and shock reverberating around the room.
Mirror, Mirror Page 26
