by Lyssa Layne
“It’s just such a mouthful. I already have published research under Malone so if I change it to Malone-Garrity or, even just Garrity, it’s like I’m throwing those credentials away.”
Tiffany nodded, knowing where this conversation was going. “And the pros of being Dr. Katy Garrity?”
“Nick would love it.”
Katy and Tiffany both knew she’d already made up her mind. Katy just wasn’t ready to admit it yet. In fact, Tiffany had already placed the order for Katy’s new lab coat.
“What about the baby?” Katy asked for the hundredth time.
“Whatever you do with your name, you should do for the baby.”
“I know but there’s already a Ryan Garrity and I’m the last chance to pass on the Malone name. What if—”
Tiffany looked over Katy’s shoulder and saw a trauma coming in. She gazed past the team rolling in the patient. A fire engine sat outside with the number fifty-eight on the side. Katy read the reaction on her best friend’s face and followed where Tiffany’s eyes were focused. At first, Katy didn’t notice the truck outside, but when she saw a lifeless firefighter being wheeled past her on a gurney, she looked outside and recognized the numbers.
Katy started to run after the body that had passed her, but someone grabbed her from behind. She turned around looking up, hoping to be in the arms of her husband. He pulled her tight and held her close. Her whole body went limp as she looked into his face and realized it wasn’t Nick that was holding her. Jesse’s hair was wet and his face was covered with soot and sweat as he pushed her hair out of her face. He shook his head and whispered, “Kate, I’m sorry…”
Katy screamed and tried to push him away, not wanting to believe it. He held on to her tightly until she finally gave in and sobbed into his chest. Katy stood there shaking uncontrollably, wishing this was a dream and she could wake up. She desperately wanted out of this nightmare, but instead her water broke.
18 CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Katy lay on the hospital bed. She hadn’t spoken a word since her water broke, but she’d at least calmed down. She barely noticed the pain and the contractions. Her heart had been ripped from her chest again. She wasn’t sure anything else could hurt more than that.
Tiffany finished checking her for dilation and announced, “You’re almost at ten centimeters. I’m going to call Dr. Keller and get you prepped to deliver.”
Tiffany perched on the bed, grasped Katy’s hand and whispered, “You aren’t alone, Kit Kat.”
Katy rolled away from her, not wanting to talk to anyone and especially not ready to deliver this baby. Tiffany frowned and shrugged at Jesse as she left to prep for the arrival of the baby.
They were living in a nightmare and Jesse had no idea how they’d ended up in this situation. Nick should be here rubbing her back, telling her she was doing great, and feeding her ice chips, not him. He didn’t mind, not at all, but it wasn’t fair. It should be the proby laying in the morgue downstairs, not Nick.
He leaned close to her, gently trailing his fingers through her hair as he said, “Kate, honey, I know you want Nick here rather than me. Hell I do, too, but you’re strong and I know you can do this.”
He sighed as he looked at her. She was oblivious to the tears that flowed down her cheeks. She’d refused any kind of drugs including an epidural. Hell she refused to even talk other than a few assertive NOs when the doctors and nurses didn’t think she was listening.
When her water broke, Tiff rushed her to a room while yelling at Jesse to get cleaned up. A nurse helped him find a place to grab a quick shower and gave him a pair of scrubs. As he changed, he pictured the look Katy gave him when she looked up hoping to see Nick. It made him cringe. Jesse wished it had been him and not Nick if it meant she’d have never made that face.
Jesse smoothed her hair as she squeezed his hand tightly. As she grimaced in pain Jesse encouraged her, “Katy, honey, you can do this.”
She squeezed his hand tighter without saying a word. Tiffany returned with Dr. Keller. They put her feet in the stirrups and gave her instructions to push. For the next ten minutes, Katy refused. Each contraction, she would cry out in distress and tears, but would not bear down. Dr. Keller was lecturing with medical jargon that Jesse didn’t understand when he noticed Tiffany slip out of the room. Jesse felt helpless as he held her hand and kept repeating, “Come on, Katy, push. You can do it.”
The door flung open and Tiffany came walking in with Jeremiah. He took in the whole situation and then walked over to Katy. He leaned down and looked her in the eyes. “Did you love him?”
Katy squeezed Jesse’s hand as another contraction came about, but didn’t answer so Jeremiah repeated himself loudly, “Did you love him?”
Jesse scowled at him as Katy gritted her teeth and crushed his hand. But it didn’t stop Jeremiah from continuing, “Do you love his child?”
Katy glanced up at him, tears rolling down her face, and muttered, “I can’t do this without Nick.”
“Knockout, he’s gone. He’s not coming back. You know it and I know it. This baby is coming whether you’re ready or not. He’s your only connection to him now, your piece of him you get to carry on. Nick wants you both to be healthy and you know the longer you refuse to push, the more risk you’re putting on his son.”
When Katy heard Jeremiah say “his son,” she was ashamed of herself. She would never want anything to happen to Nick’s son. She sat up and squeezed Jesse’s hand even harder. She felt another contraction and pressed down to push. Jesse rubbed her back as she grunted, tears still streaming down her face. Jeremiah took Dr. Keller’s place at the foot of the bed.
“Good girl, Knockout. I see the head, now give me another strong one.”
Katy took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She pretended Nick was the one holding her hand, that he was the one whispering in her ear. Jesse never called her Katy, but in this moment, he did and she was grateful.
It only took three hard pushes for a baby’s cry to fill the room. Jeremiah laid the newborn on her chest. All the grief from Nick’s death was pushed aside as she stared down at their son. Happiness briefly replaced her grief as she smiled and kissed her newborn on forehead. Nick had been right. Their son was the most handsome little boy she’d ever seen. She turned him to their friends and said, “Meet our son, Nicholas Ryan Garrity.”
***
The hum of the needle made Kay’s pulse race. She was a doctor, she could do this. The needle entered skin, moving up and down quickly. The buzz almost made her physically sick. She was about to turn to leave when the tattoo artist, Tony, called her name. “Katy?”
She swallowed the lump in her throat as she followed him to his work station. He laughed and asked, “Do I need to get you a barf bag?”
Katy glanced in the mirror and saw she was as white as a ghost. She looked at the workstation next to her and smiled at the victim, um client, getting inked himself. Tony patted the chair in front of him.
“Okay, sweetheart, tell me where you want this.”
Katy lifted her shirt, her thin figure exposed as she pointed where she wanted the artwork placed on her rib cage. Despite his gruff appearance and the torn blue jeans, he was very delicate with her as he positioned the tattoo transfer. A few minutes later, Katy lay in the chair on her side as the buzzing started and the needle pierced her skin. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and tried to distract herself. Of course, the first thing that popped into her head was Nick and how much she missed him more and more every day since the last time she’d seen him almost six months ago.
The funeral had been brutal for Katy. Everyone tried to focus on the birth of Nicky instead of on the death of the great man she was able to call her husband. The day they buried Nick will forever be etched in her memory. The mist of the rain, the bagpipes playing in the distance, and of course, the pink boas. She sat by his casket until the sun started to set, only leaving because Jesse and Andy had forced her to because of the chill in the fall air that eve
ning.
She constantly thought about the if-onlys: If only she had been induced, if only she’d gone into labor on her due date, if only she’d gotten pregnant on their wedding night instead of New Year’s, then Nick wouldn’t have been at work that day. He would have been home with her, doting over their adorable little man, but more importantly, he would have been alive.
When the funeral was over, the crew of Engine 58 kept the promise Jesse had made her. They all stepped in to help Katy raise Nick’s son. During her maternity leave, the guys had taken turns staying with her. If they weren’t at the firehouse then at least one of them was home with her.
Early one morning, when Nicky was just a few weeks old, Katy watched in the doorway of his nursery as Murph, the middle-aged, overweight lieutenant rocked her son. She bit her lip desperately wanting to ask what happened the night Nick died, but she was afraid of what she’d hear. The next morning as Murph headed out the door to work, he looked Katy in the eyes and simply told her, “Ask Doyle.” She never did as she had her suspicions and she didn’t want to confirm something that would break what was left of her heart.
The buzz of the needle stopped, bringing Katy out of her thoughts. She relaxed when a calloused hand touched hers and she asked, “How’s it look?”
A deep masculine voice answered, “Perfect.”
She opened her eyes and saw him staring at the spot where her skin burned from the tattoo. She smiled and rolled her eyes. “Not mine. Yours.”
Jesse rolled up his shirt sleeve and showed her the FDNY crest that had just been inked on his bicep. It matched the one Nick had donned for his brother except Jesse’s listed the younger Garrity’s name. Jesse squeezed her hand as Tony said he was finished. Her tattoo was small and nothing fancy so it didn’t take long to complete it.
Katy stood and walked to the mirror to inspect the new permanent art on her body. Jesse stood behind her, his hands on her hips as he read the tattoo aloud, “Thar Gach Ni, Gra Go Deo.”
She didn’t even try to fight the tears, she’d given up on that a long time ago. Jesse pulled her against him, wrapping his arms around her as she cried into his chest. Thar Gach Ni. Above all else. Gra…Go…Deo…Nicholas. Love forever. Yes, above all else, she’d always love Nicholas Garrity. He was, and would always be, the love of her life.
EPILOGUE
On a chilly October morning in New York, Dr. Katy Garrity sprinted the last mile of her run with Duke. As the numbers on her Garmin flipped to ten, she slowed down. As soon as Dr. Keller gave her the okay to workout, Katy started running and didn’t stop. Her lungs burned as they filled with the cold air. She wondered if Nick had felt the same way before he died. She fought the tears in her eyes as she walked back to her car petting Duke between the ears as he trotted beside her.Katy often wondered what Nick’s final moments were like, but she never asked any of the Engine 58 crew.
Duke jumped into the back of Nick’s Yukon as they headed home. She pulled into the driveway of the house that Nick once rented. She now owned it. There was no way she was going to get rid of the only place she’d ever lived with her husband or the nursery he spent days completing for Nicky. She’d own this house forever.
As she opened the door and Duke ran inside, she pushed her thoughts of Nick aside and forced a smile. She heard “boy” as she entered. Ever since Nicky had started crawling, her house was nothing but “boy.” Shrieking, vrooming, and laughter filled the house almost 24/7 and today was no different.
Katy walked into the fire engine red nursery and saw Nicky playing with his trucks. She swooped down and kissed his forehead. “Hey there, birthday boy!” Today was his first birthday. It also marked the anniversary of his father’s death.
Nicky looked up at her and grinned as he babbled, “Ma-ma! Ma-ma!” Katy laughed and bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying.
“Hey, baby!”
Her son looked at her the exact way Nick used to, big eyes full of happiness and a goofy, lopsided grin. Not to mention, he had his daddy’s blonde hair and big blue eyes.
“How was your run?”
Katy turned around and accepted the cup of coffee Jesse offered. She shrugged in response to his question knowing he wasn’t asking about her run at all. Jesse put his arm around her and kissed her forehead. She leaned into his chest and let the tears fall.
***
Jesse had been with Katy almost every day since last October when he lost his best friend. With Katy and Nicky in his life now, he’d gained two more friends in place of him. Jesse didn’t know who he was more pissed at: Nick or the proby. Nick had left some big shoes for him to fill, but who was he kidding? It didn’t bother him. He loved Nick’s boy and while he’d never admit it to anyone other than himself, he couldn’t imagine life any other way. Jesse knew Katy would never love another firefighter again, but when he woke up at his place and the first thing he wanted to do was see her and Nicky, he realized he loved her more than just a friend. According to what his best friend had taught him, that’s when he knew he was in love.
Jesse moved his stuff in a little at a time. They never talked about it and Katy never objected. He slept on the couch most nights except when he’d hear Katy crying in the bedroom or she’d wake up in a panic screaming. Then he’d hold her in his arms until she drifted back into a slumber. In June, he sublet his apartment.
Every time Jesse saw Patrick Doyle, he wanted to punch him in the face. Jesse heard Nick loud and clear on the radio telling Doyle to stop and not to move. There was no immediate response from Doyle and then, he felt the whole building shake. Doyle screamed into the radio, “10-66! 10-66!”, the code for a missing firefighter. It was too late by the time they found him. Nick had fallen seven floors to the basement while Doyle looked from the hole on the seventh floor without a scratch on his body.
After the funeral, Jesse and Patrick Doyle had a heart to heart conversation. There was a rumor floating around that the proby was going to quit the department. Jesse stepped into Nick’s shoes at the firehouse as well by taking Doyle under his wing to make him the best firefighter he could be. Even though the kid had gotten his best friend killed, if Jesse had a say in it, that proby was going to be a firefighter for the rest of his life or until the fire got him, too.
***
Katy stared out the window as they drove to Andy’s for Nicky’s birthday party. They passed the road to her dad’s place. She had to decide which house to keep because she couldn’t afford both. She’d received a substantial payout from an insurance policy Nick had plus another check from the FDNY. She didn’t touch either of them. She put them both in a bank account for Nicky which is what his father would’ve wanted her to do.
They turned onto the gravel road to Andy’s. Jesse set his hand on Katy’s knee and squeezed softly. “Ready for this?”
She bit her lip and nodded. Jesse gave her leg one more squeeze then got out of the car to get Nicky. She took a deep breath and followed the boys into the house. Abby and Mrs. O’Neil had been the party planners. Tears filled Katy’s eyes and her heart ached as she saw the room decorated with the fire truck theme just like Nick had promised his son when he was still in her belly.
Abby walked over to her, putting her arm around her shoulders. Nora and Alayna hugged both of the mothers. Katy laughed as the girls squeezed them as hard as they could.
She wiped her eyes and mumble, “Sorry, I’m such a mess today.”
Abby squeezed her arm which still rested on Katy’s shoulder. She whispered, “Don’t worry, it gets easier with time.”
There was a large crowd in attendance for the one-year-old. All of Nick’s and Jesse’s immediate family had come. Katy was grateful for how Jesse jumped in and basically gave up his life to take care of them. She felt like her and Nicky were intruding on his personal life, especially when he stayed home on Friday nights instead of going out. She told him she didn’t mind, but he insisted it was fine. She loved watching him with Nicky, he was great with him and Jesse was the only father
-figure Nicky had known. The Garritys and O’Neils always celebrated holidays together so Nicky was like a grandson to the O’Neils, too.
Katy saw Jeremiah arrive. She smiled and excused herself from some of Nick’s cousins she’d been visiting with. The ex-lovers exchanged a long, endearing hug and a peck on the cheek.
“Where’s the little man?”
“Playing out back with some cousins.”
Jeremiah held a large present and Katy pointed to the gift table.
“How’s Sarah?” she asked as they walked to the table.
He shrugged. “Doing okay, I guess. She has the gender scan next week.”
“You going?”
“If she’ll let me.”
Jeremiah and Katy were never going to be the couple they once were before. After Nicky was born, he informed Katy he was ready to move on. He indulged in as many female prospects around him after being committed to one woman for so long. It worked in his favor for a while until he got one of the interns pregnant. Jeremiah told Katy he didn’t love Sarah and wouldn’t stay with her. Yet he still had every intention of being a father to the baby. However, Sarah wasn’t making it easy. Katy went from the lover he was waiting on to his closest confidant. Katy was happy she was back in his good graces. After he delivered her son, she realized how much she had missed their friendship.
***
The party started to clear out, only a few close family and friends remained. Jesse and Andy assembled Nicky’s birthday present—a Radio Flyer wagon. Katy cuddled a sleeping one-year-old on her chest as she watched the two of them. Although Jesse and Nick didn’t look alike at all, sometimes when he held Nicky or played on the floor with him, she’d imagine it was her husband.
Grandpa Andy loaded up the wagon into Nick’s Yukon while the remaining partiers loaded up and all headed over to the cemetery to pay their respects to Lisa and Nick. It was the first time Katy had brought Nicky to see his father. She hated every part of this visit, it was their son’s first birthday. Nick should be carrying his son to visit his grandmother, not his best friend carrying her son to visit his father. She sat in the car motionless, not ready to face the dead.
