by Amanda Heath
“Farah, hey. I know you said to stay away, but Tate’s about to miss his flight if we don’t get on the road.” He points back at Tate’s bike. “He said he was coming out here to say goodbye to you.”
I groan. Fucking Tatum. “Umm…yeah he’s here. He’s in the barn,” I tell him, wringing my hands together. I can’t look in his warm brown eyes. I just can’t even though, I want to. I want to see if that sparkle is there, the one he has when he looks at me.
“Okay…” he trails off.
I roll my eyes and turn around to go back to the barn. Figures Max would ruin all my fun. And that Tate would wait until the last minute to say goodbye to me. I hear Max follow behind me and my palms start to get sweaty because I’m not real sure how he’s going to react to this.
I open the door slowly and walk in; Max right behind me. He stops next to me and bursts out laughing. “Oh, you sorry fuck. I see you made Farah finally snap,” Max says to Tate, trying to stop laughing.
I smile, liking his reaction and it is true. Tate finally made me snap.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Laugh at my expense. Just get over here and untie me while you’re doing it,” Tate spits out, his face turning red, probably from embarrassment.
Max shakes his head. “Umm, fuck no. You’re in that position for a reason. I’m leaving you two to it.”
He covers his mouth, trying so hard to stop his laughing but I reach out and touch his arm. An electric shock races through my fingers when my skin touches his. His eyebrows furrow while he looks down at my hand. “I think you should stay. I think you need to hear some of the things I’m going to make him admit to.”
We both look back over at Tate, whose face has completely paled. I guess it’s one thing to admit truth to me but another all together to admit them to Max. “Maxwell you should leave. Seriously. You don’t need to be here for this.”
Max swallows and licks his lips. The action brings a tingle to my nether region and I feel my cheeks heat. What the fuck is wrong with me now? “I think I’ll stay,” he whispers, his eyes still on his brother, thankfully unaware of my body and its stupid reactions.
I nod and move back to where I was before Max showed up. I pick the belt up and start pacing, keeping my eyes on Tate. “Did you or did you not fuck Sarah the night you said she came on to you and you thought she was me?”
I hear Max gasp but I don’t turn towards him. I keep my eyes on Tate. Tate looks back at me, his mouth opening and closing in shock. Then he grits out, “Yes.” I reach over and pat his head in reward for being honest.
I look at Tate and smile real big. “Did you or did you not lie to me about that night? Did you fuck Sarah after coming on to her and then ask her to lie about the whole thing to me?”
Tate’s lips scrunch together and I can tell he’s going to lie. “No.”
I laugh and then whip the belt out, hitting him on the same thigh I hit before. “You are a liar.”
He grits his teeth, throwing daggers at me with his pretty green eyes. His pretty green eyes that are full of fucking lies. “Yes, okay. Yes, I fucked her because I wanted to. It made me feel good; it made me feel like I could fly. And then you believed that lie I cooked up. It was fucking perfect, Farah.”
I lash out with the belt, hitting his arm as hard as I can. He groans at the pain and my smile gets even bigger. “Did you or did you not use me to cheat on your wife for an entire year?”
“Yes, bitch, I fucking did! You know why?” He pauses and waits for me to answer.
“No, I don’t know why. I know you’re going to tell me though,” I say, ripe with the need to hit him again.
He smirks then, his eyes on me, making me feel like spiders are crawling all over my skin. “Because you’re a fucking idiot, Farah. I could do anything I wanted to you. You never opened your eyes and looked around you. You couldn’t see what I was doing. It was amazing. I had you wrapped around my little finger and my beautiful wife at home waiting on me.”
I lose it then, more than I ever have before. I hit him with the belt a total of five times before Max wrestles me back from Tate. When I look back at my ex-boyfriend, I see beautiful red welts starting to form on his arms and on his right cheek. “I didn’t look for shit because I trusted you. I loved you. I thought you loved me. I had no reason to think you were doing anything like that to me or your wife.” I laugh hard after that. When I calm down I move right in front of him and slap the fuck out of his face three times.
Smack.
Smack.
Smack.
It feels so good when my skin meets his in anger. It feels so good to cause him pain because I’ve known nothing but pain with him. “You want to blame me for your mistakes. For the things you have done when in reality, it’s all on you. I don’t look stupid because I trusted my boyfriend. I don’t look stupid because you decided you weren’t man enough for one woman and you had to ruin two lives. I only ever loved you, Tatum. I only ever wanted you to love me. How is any of this my fault?”
Both of his cheeks are red now and I know it’s sick but it feels so good to mark him. “It’s your fault because you were too fucking easy, Farah.” He spits my name out with hate now. “You and Beth were so fucking stupid. It was too fucking easy. God, was it easy. Don’t be a doormat anymore, Farah. Then maybe you’ll find a man who won’t pick someone else over you!”
I move in close to him. I get right in his face and spit right into his eye. “I’m not a fucking doormat. You’re the stupid fuck tied to a chair right now. You’re the stupid fuck who told his brother, who told his wife, what was really going on. You thought they would hold all your secrets, well, you were wrong. Yeah, I was stupid for not seeing, but that’s what trust is. You don’t see the things the ones you love are doing that are wrong because you don’t expect them to hurt you.”
He blinks around the spit in his eye, glaring at me with the other one. “That’s all you are Farah. A fucking whore for me and a doormat for everyone else in your life.”
It’s devastating to see Tate this way. My blind trust and love was completely misplaced. It makes me feel stupid, used and broken. I am what he says, even if I won’t admit it out loud.
Doormat.
Whore.
Idiot.
I close my eyes, gripping the belt in my hand, trying my best to hold it together. I can feel it coming over me. I know in moments I’ll be on my knees praying to God to end my suffering. I can only take so much.
“One last question,” I state, my voice way more calm than I feel inside. “Did you ever love me?”
His left eye is turning red from my spit and it gives me a sick sense of happiness. He gets to suffer just a little and I couldn’t ask for more.
“No, Farah. I never loved you.” His voice is weak and strained. I know he’s lying. I know he wants me to hurt because I’ve done this to him.
I drop the belt to the floor and I’m finally about to fall to my knees when I feel arms band around my waist. Then I’m lifting into those arms. My arms go around his shoulders and I shove my face into his neck, hiding my tears from Tate.
Max walks out of the barn, holding me to his chest and for some strange reason it gives me strength. I feel like maybe not everything is turned to shit. And maybe one day I’ll wake up and I’ll be happy.
We pass Pops and Demon Dog that are both on the porch. I feel Pops’ rough hand cradle my cheek but I don’t turn to look at him. “Did you get what you needed, little bird?”
I nod my head against Max’s neck, refusing still to move my face. He smells so intense and it’s the only thing keeping me together. I’ll have dreams of dark chocolate and lazy summer days for weeks to come.
“Untie him. He’s got a plane to catch. I think the sooner he’s gone the quicker we can get back to normal around here.” Max’s chest rumbles with his words and I want to tell him so badly that nothing will ever be normal again, not with Sarah gone.
“Can I chase him out with my shotgun?” Pops asks and I can imagine the
crazed look in his eyes at the question. He seriously loves using that shotgun on people.
Max laughs as his skin moves against my lips, which are pressed right up against his pulse. “Don’t leave any holes old man.” Then he moves to open the front door.
We are quiet as he silently moves into the house and up the stairs. He opens the door to my bedroom and enters, finally setting me down on my bed. I lie there and stare up at him. His browns eyes move over my face, probably trying to find some form of sanity. But, of course, I don’t possess any sanity right now. I might never possess any. He is so handsome and I wonder, not for the first time, why I was ever attracted to Tate. They may have similar features; all going back to their father, but Max has his mom’s kind eyes and straight lean nose. His hair is also the color of melted chocolate and it’s all over the place because he doesn’t have the patience to style it.
We stare at each other, me laying down on the bed and him leaning over me, for a few silent minutes. I feel like he’s trying to see into my soul and find out all the answers to me. I wish I had the courage to tell him he’ll never find them. Even I don’t have them. I’ve been floating through life for well over ten years. I thought maybe once I would be happy with Tate, but look where that got me.
Absolute heartbreak.
Then I blurt out something I can’t keep to myself anymore. Sarah’s letter has been echoing in my head all day and I wish I could forget I ever read it. But she was so right about Tate. “Do you love me?”
Max abruptly stands tall but his eyes never leave mine. I chant over and over in my head, don’t lie to me. I’m so tired of all the lies and hidden secrets. At this point everything needs to be out in the open so I can process it. I have to get over things and move on. I can’t keep living in this limbo, it leads nowhere. No matter what Max says, I will never make a move on him. I will never be with him. I’ve had enough shit happen to me, I don’t need the repercussions of that too.
He takes a deep breath and then he says, “Yes. I’ve loved you for a really long time.”
I close my eyes and let a tear fall. One little tear for the love Max says he feels. Nothing will ever come of it. I know this but it should be acknowledged and put into a box in my head labeled “never open, even under threat of death”.
I feel the bed depress and I open my eyes to see Max leaning on one elbow, laying next to me on my bed. His hand comes up and cups my cheek. His palm is less rough then Pops’ but a lot warmer. “I know you know this, but I can’t leave without saying it out loud.” He pauses as his thumb smoothes over my cheek in a slow rhythm. Tingles spread across my face and down my neck.
I don’t like it at all.
“Tate has a lot of issues. He’s always had them. I know why for some of them but then again I don’t know everything. He was backed into a corner and I have no idea how you found any of that out, but Sarah and I never held that information back to hurt you. We weren’t protecting him. We were protecting you,” he says softly, that thumb steadily caressing my cheek. “That was the biggest thing we had in common. No one ever hurt you because we knew better than anyone what you’ve been through.”
I stare at him with a blank look on my face. I have nothing to say to him, right now anyway. I’m sure when I wake up from this strange dream I’ll have plenty to say but for once I keep my mouth shut.
“You might ask yourself lots of things about the way I feel, but you haven’t once lived in my shoes. You haven’t seen what I have. You haven’t had to clean up cluster fuck after cluster fuck. I did that. I cleaned up after both Sarah and Tate. I put them both back together because you deserved better than that. I watched from my place in this family and I saw you through it all, Farah. I kept my eyes on you, always.” He stops for a second and shuts his eyes. It’s almost like this pains him, what he has to say to me. “I didn’t end up with Sarah because she was your twin. I ended up with her because I did love her. I do love her. Our hearts aren’t fleeting or one sided. They have deep crevices that can be filled to bursting with love of all different kinds. I chose to be with her because she was a good person, she was beautiful, and she made me unbearably happy. I never strayed from her and I never wanted to. But that still doesn’t mean pieces of my heart didn’t beat for you.”
He opens his eyes and looks right at me. His thumb stops stroking and suddenly everything is way more serious than it ever was before. “I loved you first and I’ve known you for so long. When it came down to who I could spend the rest of my life with, it was always her. You were too wild and untamed. You beat to a drum I couldn’t hear and I had no room in my life to fix you. I wanted to though. I wanted to fix you, take care of you, and just simply love you. I stayed away because I couldn’t. I loved you enough that I could see you needed to fix yourself. You didn’t need me or anyone to do it. I’ve always hoped you’d open your eyes one day and see that but you never did. I only hope you see it now.”
I blink, feeling salty water leak down my face and I wonder for the hundredth time in days if the tears will ever stop. I know he’s going to leave because he’s right. In his speech he was so right. I’ve had the answers to my own problems this whole time but I never did anything to fix them. I let life slowly pass me by because I wanted to waste away. That’s probably why I felt so drawn to Tate. He was the most self-destructive path.
I feel a weight lift off my chest and for once, in this miserable existence, I can fucking breathe. And I love it.
Max leans over me, probably to kiss my forehead but I stop him. I grab his face and bring it down to mine. Our lips meet in a simple, easy, but messy torture neither of us saw coming.
Need fills every one of my cells and over-empowering love fills my heart. I’ve tortured this poor man and that torture is worth my love. It’s worth all the sick and twisted thoughts in my head because he was devoted even when I couldn’t see it. He loved me when I didn’t deserve it and what better way to repay that? Love him back with everything I am. I’ll get to sit in the background now, hoping for something I’ll never have.
But I will take this one taste.
His lips are soft yet rough, so unlike Tate’s and boy, is that a good thing. We don’t use tongue, but we move together with more urgency as the minutes pass. Our breathing is labored and our skin is sweaty and we can’t let go.
Until Max does.
He doesn’t look at me as he gets off the bed and runs out of my room.
I smile despite his exit because I know in my heart I’ll never have another chance at that.
Tate
I heave in a breath and I let it out. I heave in another breath and I let it out. I’m trying to control this rage inside of me. I’m trying to release it without using my fists on anyone’s face. Have you ever been so mad it hurt to fucking see? That’s how I feel right now. Or maybe it’s just the fucking spit in my eye.
The barn door opens about twenty minutes after Max carried Farah out of here. The man Farah lovingly calls Pops enters the room with my brother right behind him.
That drains it out of me. The rage is gone because I’ve hurt Max enough for a lifetime. I won’t take this out on him. I guess I won’t be taking this out on anyone. Mr. Harvester sinks to his knees beside me and uses his pocketknife to cut the ropes tying me to this chair.
It’s so silent in this barn that you could probably hear a pin drop on the fucking hay. My face hurts worse than my legs do. So maybe I can walk out of here with my pride in tact somewhat. It would be wholly embarrassing to limp away.
Then Mr. Harvester speaks, “She did a real number on you, boy. Probably only fair, since you did one on her first.”
I only nod. I have no words to speak in this situation. It’s a fucking eye opener to see someone you love turn into that. Farah’s eyes were full of insanity. She wanted to hurt me; she wanted me to pay. “You need to get her help.” I guess I do have words. It surprises me sometimes that I can speak when I don’t have anything to say.
“She got to hurt you, Tate.
She needed this, so don’t go around saying she’s completely crazy,” Max says with his arms crossed over his chest and a sneer directed at me.
I clear my throat as I stand up and smooth my hands down my slacks. “She told me that she could see Sarah standing behind me.” That brings shocked looks to both of their faces. “I think she’s been seeing her since she died. Farah said she hasn’t been talking to her and knows she’s not real, but still. She might need to talk to someone.”
Mr. Harvester shakes his head. “I thought it was funny she kept staring at nothing, yet her eyes would move.”
Max grows pale and he looks around like he might see Sarah himself.
“I’m going to leave her alone, from now on. I think this opened my eyes very wide and I have no business being in her life. I just want to make sure she gets the help she needs. I still and will always care about her.” It doesn’t matter what I said to her while I was tied to that chair. I’m a fucking liar. This time though, I lied for her not for myself.
“She just needs to get her life back on track. Don’t you worry, boy. I’ll get her taken care of,” Mr. Harvester says. Then he turns on his heel and leaves the barn.
Now I’m left with my very pale little brother. He stares at the ground when he speaks. “You think she’s a figment or a ghost?”
“Farah thinks she’s a figment. I doubt Sarah would haunt her beloved sister,” I tell him, walking closer. I put my hand on his shoulder hesitantly. I’m still not one hundred percent on how to show affection to him. “You don’t have to worry. Mr. Harvester will get her taken care of.”
“I have no words for this situation. It’s like someone wrote a really bad novel about my day or something,” he says, scrubbing a hand down his face.
I sigh and squeeze his shoulder, looking into his eyes. “You need to tell her the truth. I told her all of mine, now you need to tell her yours. And I’m talking all of it. Not just that you’ve been in love with her for forever.”
