by Jade Lee
“I promise to try,” she finally said.
“Excellent!” Rose squealed. “And if Father won’t see reason, then you shall come live with me and Mr. Frazier immediately after the wedding.”
Maddy laughed. That was too much of a stretch, but it felt good to pretend. Especially if she didn’t think at all about who it was that her cousin intended to ensnare. “You know, most newlyweds prefer to live alone.”
“Don’t be silly. You’ll have your own wing or some such thing. We’ll be entirely private. I’m sure he can afford it, especially since his jewelry will be all the rage. We’ll make a fortune!”
Of course they would. And everyone would live happily ever after. Fantasy was a lovely thing, Maddy decided. Something she should indulge in more often.
“Now,” began Rose, just as Maddy was starting to relax into a make-believe dream, “I know just how you should approach the baroness. First thing in the morning you shall write the old bat an urgent note. Tell her you have the most amazing surprise . . .”
Chapter 20
“I didn’t expect that you would contact me this early,” Kit said as he sauntered up beside Maddy.
She was in Mayfair, strolling alone, as Rose had insisted that commerce should be done without a maid in tow. In truth, the girl had probably wanted protection from her father in case things turned ugly. Apparently, there had been times when the man had taken a hand to spank his young daughter. Nothing like that had ever happened while Maddy lived with them, but the memory was burned into Rose.
In any event, once the time for Maddy’s meeting with Baroness Haugen had been set, she had dashed off a note to Kit and then been ordered out of the house by Rose. Fatherdaughter discussions were to be handled in private, she’d said. Maddy’d left for Mayfair moments later.
But that was done now, and truth be told, Maddy had enjoyed the fine air as she strolled down Mayfair. How Kit had found her among all the other souls, she had no idea. But find her he did, stepping up beside her as she was looking in the window of one of London’s premiere jewelers.
“See anything you like?” he asked.
She shrugged. “They’re all lovely.”
“Come now, surely there’s one that strikes your fancy,” Kit pressed.
She bit her lip and decided to confess the truth. “That one.” She pointed to a necklace that boasted a ruby cut in the fanciful shape of a heart. “I know it’s childish. Rose would be in awe over it. But my father used to carve corks into the shape of a heart for me. He said it was how he’d proposed to my mother, promising to make it a diamond someday.”
“Did he ever do it? Did she get her ring?”
Maddy shook her head as she turned away from the beautiful gems. “Country doctors are paid in vegetables and fruit pies. There wasn’t ever the kind of money for that, but I don’t think she minded. I wouldn’t, not if the home was happy.”
“You’re a rare woman,” he said as he took her arm.
“No. Just a practical one.”
“As I said, a very rare woman.”
She laughed, letting her mood lighten with the beautiful day and the joy of having a handsome man beside her. And he was looking quite handsome today in a jacket of blue superfine that set off the sparkle in his eyes.
She gestured to a waiting cab. “We should hurry if we are to get to the baroness before afternoon callers.”
He nodded, but he didn’t stop walking. Glancing at his face, she saw his expression was strangely serious.
“Is there something amiss?”
“Yes. No. Oh, bother,” he said. “I should like to say something to you, angel. Er, Maddy. Something private, and I fear this is the best time despite the crowd. The rest of the day is likely to be quite full.”
Well, her day was full as usual. After their visit with Baroness Haugen, she intended to go to an employment office. She had no idea how long that would take, and she still had to make it home for tea with Mr. Wakely before dressing for Vauxhall.
“You are looking quite sour, Maddy. I begin to fear this is a terrible time.”
“No, pray continue. I was only thinking about my day and all that needs to be done.”
“Does Rose run you ragged? Or your uncle?” His voice dropped on the last word. And his eyes had turned stormy. She knew he was asking if she had succumbed to her uncle’s plans, but she felt no reason to enlighten him. Certainly not given what they had done together without an offer of marriage.
“Running an earl’s household takes time,” she said primly. “And Rose is as delightful as she is demanding, so you can guess what that means.”
“I can also guess that you are put out with me.” When she opened her mouth to disagree, he merely held up his hand. “Do not deny it. I have behaved badly toward you, and I regret the harm I caused you.”
“There has been no harm,” she said, trying to invest truth into her words. “My reputation remains what it was before you came.”
“And left,” he said. “I left you, and I’m sorry.”
She bit her lip and decided on plain speaking. “There were no promises between us, Kit. Any hopes I built were entirely my own.”
“No, Maddy, they were not. But I was not a sane man. I could not . . . It wasn’t possible . . .”
“And now?” she asked. “How do you feel now?”
He shrugged. “Better. Not so lost, anymore. The time with Donald’s family was healing. I saw Paul too, which was good, but Lucas is still traveling.” He took a deep breath and released it slowly. “They didn’t know anything about what Michael and Lily did. They wouldn’t have stood for it.”
“Oh, Kit, I’m so glad.” Finally, he had the family reunion he should have had.
“I’ve finally made peace with it, I think. Donald wants to make a complaint on my behalf. Quite the thing to see my prosaic brother out for Lily and Michael’s blood.”
She smiled at the idea. She too had fantasies of hurting the earl and his countess.
“But Michael’s an earl, and far wealthier than us. I won’t have Donald beggar himself just to publically call Michael a lying dog. There’s no point in it. Especially since I am finally on the mend.”
She turned to him, seeing the bald honestly in his face. “That really is excellent news, Kit—”
“But I am not whole yet either.”
She bit her lip, suddenly afraid. “Not . . . whole?”
“Not enough yet. My affairs are balanced on a knife’s edge. The boat repairs are expensive and not as simple as you might think. And then there is what happens at night . . .” He shuddered. “That is when the demons come to call.”
“Nightmares?”
He nodded. “I think I will be haunted by them for the rest of my life. I fear . . .” He swallowed. “I fear I would be too dangerous for a wife.”
Ah. So there it was. He was making it plain that he did not intend to marry her. She looked away, her heart once again crushed. She hadn’t expected the pain that washed through her. Hadn’t she cut him from her life some six weeks ago?
“The dreams will fade in time,” she said, and wondered if she spoke to him or herself. Eventually her fantasies would fade too. They had to.
“I am always fine on a sunny day. I do not know about tonight, though.”
“But—”
He pressed a hand to her mouth. Even through his glove, she felt the heat of him. And she saw the hunger in his eyes. “You deserve a man, not a savage. And that man must be able to afford you. Right now, I cannot even buy new shoes.”
“I like your shoes,” she said softly. But one look at his face told her there was no arguing with him. His jaw was tight with determination the likes she had never seen. He would do anything to reach his goal. In truth, the look was a little dangerous, and yet she saw only Kit, the man who had touched her so sweetly and who had never, ever hurt her.
A month ago, she might have argued with him. Even a week ago. But she had lost the will to fight with the one man who genuinely
cared for her. So she nodded and looked away. When she spoke, her words came out in a rush. “Rose will be hurt. You must tell her this. She believes you will offer for her tonight.”
“The devil you say!” he barked, his words not angry so much as completely surprised.
“Rose has her own way of viewing the world.”
“I have no intention—”
“I know. But you should tell her.”
He released a rush of breath. “Where would she get such an idea?” He took her hand and drew her around to face him. “It’s you I want, Maddy.”
How beautiful he looked when he said those words. How earnest and how perfect to hear them. If her heart was crushed before, now it beat triple-time, but every pulse brought another bite of pain. He wanted a mistress, not a wife. And God help her, she was considering it. If her choice was between Kit and Uncle Frank, then there was no contest. If she were to be a tart, she would be Kit’s tart. Fortunately, she had another option.
“You have been gone a long time, Kit. Six weeks. Nearly the entire Season.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
She began walking again, and he matched her pace. They could not stand in the middle of the street speaking like this. It was bad enough that she had no maid trailing behind her.
“There is a gentleman who intends to offer for me. A good man, one I like very much.” She paused, wondering how much of a lie she would spin out of her relationship with Mr. Wakely. “When he offers, I intend to accept.”
“So he has not proposed yet?” Kit asked.
“No. But he will.” At least she prayed that he would.
He tucked her hand close to her side. “Then there is still time for me.”
Did she tell him? Did she let him know that she had only a week before she was turned out on the streets?
“Do you love him?”
Mr. Wakely? “I don’t know,” she answered honestly. He was kind, and she certainly enjoyed his company. “I do not believe poor girls get the luxury of love.”
“But you should, Maddy. You should have everything!”
His words were passionate, and for the first time she caught a glimpse of the boy he must have been. Young, earnest, and filled with the belief that all would be exactly as it ought. She smiled despite herself. “You sound like Rose.”
He winced. “That awful?”
“No. Sweet. Kind. I am glad you have found that part of yourself again.”
“Do you know how I found it?”
She shook her head, unable to guess.
“By thinking of you, angel. By thinking of what it would be like to live with you every day and night for the rest of my life.”
She arched her brows, stunned into silence. That sounded like a marriage. But then his face fell and he looked away.
“I am speaking of the good times, angel. But reality has its darker side.”
“I don’t understand.”
“When I was happy, it was because I was thinking of you. But that was only . . .”
Now she understood. “Only part of the time. Did you . . .” How to describe his fits? “Did you think you were back on the boat again? With that cabin boy?”
He nodded. “And worse. Much, much worse. I slept in my brother’s barn. I feared for his family.”
“That’s terrible!”
Kit shook his head. “It was my idea, plus I preferred it out there. It was quieter, and I could think.”
She had no answer to that, and so they walked in silence. He was not ready for a wife, he said, and perhaps he had the right of it. But she had no more time to wait. In the end, she slowed her steps before a waiting cab. “We must go to see Baroness.”
“Of course. Do you have the broach?”
“In my reticule. I even placed it in a silk pouch that Rose had lying around.”
“Excellent. Then let us go charm a Norwegian baroness.”
She had another suitor! Kit’s mind reeled as he helped her into the cab. Of course she had a suitor! With the way she looked in her new gowns, she likely had a dozen or more. Except he had thought the exact opposite was true. Both last night and today she had a wan look on her face and an air of general despair. Not many would notice it, but he had watched her come alive under his caress. Her spirits were clearly depressed, and so he had assumed that her Season had gone badly.
He looked at her now as she composed herself neatly in the cab. She sat painfully tall, with her hands folded into her lap. Every line in her body bespoke a person using sheer willpower to keep from screaming. He knew the feeling well.
“If there is a suitor, Maddy, why are you so afraid?” He hadn’t meant to say the word afraid. He meant unhappy or angry, even. But she visibly started at his question, her entire body jerking, and he knew he’d used the right word. “You are afraid of something terrible.”
She opened her mouth, probably to deny it, but then abruptly shut it again. Her eyes canted away and she began to lean back against the squabs. “I fear for your health, of course,” she said too calmly. “You seem much better, and yet I remember your episodes.”
She was lying, looking for a convenient excuse, and yet the words still hurt. But rather than dwell on his failings, he focused on her.
“If nothing else, angel, we have always been honest with one another. I had hoped that would continue.”
She blinked rapidly, fighting tears, so he leaned forward to touch her chin. A gentle tug brought her face around. “Tell me what demon you fight. I shall defeat it, I promise you.”
Her expression grew wistful as she gave him a trembling smile. “There is no demon except life. And you have monsters enough of your own.”
“No—”
“Yes,” she returned firmly. Then she pulled away from him. “Now as to the baroness, you must be sure to spin her a romantic tale.”
“Yes, I know,” he answered, his tone more curt than he intended.
“But do you know that her husband is in shipping?” she countered. “He owns, oh what was the name?”
“Sysselmann Shipping?”
“Yes! Do you know it?”
“I . . . Yes. I’ve spent time at the docks lately.” He flashed her a rueful smile. “Pirate gems will only go so far. I thought to find employment while the ship is repaired.”
“And you think to do it with Sysselmann?”
He shrugged, not knowing how to answer. As much as he despised the way he had learned about sailing, he did know a great deal. He could use that knowledge for benefit. “I thought perhaps I could make suggestions. Show them ways to guard against pirates.”
“Oh, Kit!” she cried, “I think that’s a marvelous idea! You would be turning a terrible ordeal into something positive.”
“That is exactly what my brother said.”
She arched a brow. “And is he wrong?”
Kit leaned back with a sigh. “No. It turns out that my brother is not nearly the pompous ass I remember, even if he did paint the house green.”
She smiled. “Or perhaps you are not the wild youth you once were.”
“I’m certainly not that,” he said with an attempt at a laugh. It didn’t last. He was more interested in the echo in her words. “Feeling nostalgic? Were you wild as a child?”
“Oh, very! I had no mother to watch me night and day. Don’t tell, but I used to play with gypsies!”
“Scandalous!” he cried in mock horror.
“Terribly so. The vicar’s wife took me to task dozens of times.”
“But you ignored her completely, didn’t you? I can see that you have always gone your own way and done as you think you ought. I admire that about you. It shows a rare kind of strength.”
He watched her mouth open in surprise. Clearly she had not expected such insight in him. Did she think he didn’t know how hard it was to daily service a master he didn’t respect? How hard it was to dream nightly of a childhood long gone? Then she said something that completely shocked him.
“You are better,
” she said. “You are thinking of the future, seeing truths in other people, and last night you laughed.”
“I have my good times,” he hedged. He did not want to encourage her to think him completely sane.
“More and more, I should think.”
“Yes. And this is one of the best. Sitting in a carriage, just talking with you about the future.” He wished he had the words to explain. A month ago, he could not have done this. Not sit so contentedly in the dark. Too many ghosts haunted him.
She had no chance to answer. They were at their destination. Bloody hell! She had a suitor, their afternoon was filled, and despite everything, he had not yet said what he expressly wanted to say. She made to move out of the carriage, but he grabbed her. His motions were too abrupt, his grip too tight, but he had to say this now. If he didn’t, then the moment would be lost. The day would be lost.
“Maddy, listen to me. You have to know . . . Whatever happens, whatever you face . . .” He swallowed. “You are safe. I shall protect you, I shall help you. It matters not when or where or what. I shall be there for you.”
She frowned, searching his face as if looking for an answer. He had none for her. So he drew her hand to his face, pressing his lips to the back of her hand, and he whispered his vow.
“Whatever it is, Maddy, I will help you. You are not alone.”
Chapter 21
“She loved birds, rare and beautiful birds, but had never seen a peacock . . .”
Kit continued to weave his silly tale, based on stories he had heard. Fantasy, illusion, anything with a glimmer of possible truth, as long as it made the baroness’s eyes glow with delight.
“He was a poor man. A sailor who had traveled the world over. Unfortunately, the jeweler he went to had never seen a peacock either, so this piece was designed by a man—”
“Who had never seen the bird!” interrupted the baroness. “Oh, Mr. Frazier, this is the most delightful story! Did he give it to her?”
“He did,” Kit answered with a desperate glance at Maddy. She was smiling at him, her eyes dancing nearly as much as the baroness’s. Clearly, she also had a romantic streak. Too bad everything he said was a lie.
