Cards of Love: Three of Swords

by Willow Winters

  “Madox, the problem—my problem—is that I don’t see what value I could possibly bring to you.” I can hear her heart beat harder, feeling it thump against my chest. “I’ve only ever been a burden.” As the shock of her words hit me, tears stream down her face.

  “Sophie--”

  “No, let me, please. Please let me finish.” The tips of her fingers touch my lips as she softly says, “Please.”

  The very real fear of her leaving me right now because she doesn’t think she’s worthy destroys me; I can’t move an inch while I wait for her to finish.

  “I don’t see how I’m deserving of you. We were never on equal ground, and I could never give you anything in return like what you gave me.”

  Time slows, and everything blurs around her. How could she think she was undeserving? How is that even possible?

  “I don’t have words to describe it. You’re everything to me. And I don’t know how you don’t see it.”

  “But why?” She’s brushing at the tears. “How could you care for me like you do?”

  “Soph, every word you’ve just told me, every single word, I could say right back to you. I love you, Sophie Miller, and all I want from you is to feel the same way about me.”

  I’ve never liked the look of her crying; in fact, I hated it, but right now, looking at me with her eyes glossed over and my words sinking in, she’s never looked so beautiful.

  “I love you.” The words slip from her with the sincerity I know they hold. She would never have to utter them again in my lifetime, and I’d still know it. I’ve always loved her for it, and I always will.

  As she leans forward, the sound of footsteps approaching from behind steal my attention.

  “Sophie,” my mother’s voice breaks the moment but before I can say anything at all, Sophie asks me to give her and my mother a moment.

  “Only if you promise me you won’t run.” But even as I say the words, there’s a calmness between us, one I’ve never felt before with her. One I hope I can hold on to until the day I die.

  “I promise, Madox. I don’t want to run from you. I promise. I don’t want either of us to be alone.”

  Chapter 16

  Sophie

  Not everyone believes in reverse meanings, but I do. When the Three of Swords is dealt downward, it no longer means grieving, it no longer means pain. The Three of Swords in reverse signifies the release of suffering, and that forgiveness is yours to take.

  “Maybe we should go inside.” Adrienne’s voice is calm as her fingers twine together and she glances around the parking lot. Night fell in the last hour and it’s dark back here, save for the lampposts.

  “Wait for me?” I ask Madox, and he’s already nodding.

  “I’ll be just outside the room.” His words are soft for me, but his gaze is stern and directed at his mother, who simply pretends he isn’t looking at her at all.

  The chill in the air nips up my arms and I nod once in agreement. I can’t stand to look her in the eyes. My head is spinning, and the notion that I was only a pawn and didn’t deserve my job is screaming in my head.

  Walking in unison, our heels click on the pavement as I gather my composure. With every step I remind myself of what just happened. He said he loves me.

  Madox Reed loves me.

  There is no doubt in my mind. Swallowing the lump in my throat and bracing myself for what’s to come, I hold on to that. It doesn’t matter what Adrienne says or what she thought she would accomplish with her duplicity. Madox loves me.

  Fuck, more tears gather in the corner of my eyes as I follow Adrienne to a private table in the back. I don’t miss how she asks for the waiter to leave us alone for a moment. It’s the same fucking room I was in two days ago. Everyone here must think I’m a fucking lunatic for constantly crying.

  But I couldn’t give two shits what they think. Madox Reed loves me.

  “I want to tell you a story, Sophie, if you’ll let me.”

  All I can do as I sit across from this woman, a woman who has lied to and deceived both me and the man I love, is nod. I can’t be angry at her, not after what just happened with Madox. But it feels like she’s stolen from me, and my job… shit.

  “Years ago, as I’m sure Madox has told you, my late husband made a horrible business deal. My parents never thought the man I married was a good choice because he didn’t come from money, but I knew he loved me and that was all that mattered.”

  Her next words are torn from her throat, barely spoken as tears gather in her eyes. “I cared for him, but when he lost so much money, Sophie, I don’t know how he could have been so stupid. And that’s what I told him. I was cruel and angry and bitter. My mother always told me to marry someone who loves you just a little bit more than you love him. And I thought I had.

  “I still loved him, God did I love him, but we were going through very hard times and I told him I didn’t. And worse. I said a lot of even worse things to him.” Licking her lower lip, she focuses on something on the wall behind me, maintaining her poise although tears leak from her eyes. “I won’t deny the things I said to him that last night were cruel.”

  Madox never told me any of this. I know he blames his mother, but I never knew they’d fought like that. That she screamed at him.

  “I deserve to be alone for what I said to him. I drove him to feel unloved and unworthy. I told him…” She closes her eyes and doesn’t finish. When she opens them she shakes her head and says, “Madox heard what I said, and I can’t even voice it now. I can’t take the words back, but I won’t ever say them again. My husband wasn’t well, and he killed himself that night. He was the love of my life. I regret everything that night.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I whisper and it’s then I feel my own tears.

  She cuts me off before ”sorry” is even spoken, waving her hand. “I’m not finished. Please, let me finish.”

  “I lost my husband, my wealth, and I was losing my son. He was angry, he hated me and blamed me. Madox needed to act like the man he was meant to be. He was too much like his father, that’s what I’d told him when he would act out. I thought hard love was the best way to raise him. It’s how my parents raised me. I was … wrong. I was very wrong.

  “Over the years, I lost him bit by bit and I didn’t realize it. After Charles died, I needed my son back. I needed myself back. I was so lonely, and I hated myself for it. But Madox didn’t want anything to do with me. I know he blames me, and he doesn’t forgive me. I understand that, because I can’t forgive myself either.

  “It’s only gotten worse over the years, but there was one moment, one morning where I did something, and immediately after Madox changed entirely. He became … a shell of a man. That was three years ago, Sophie. I think you know what I’m referring to.”

  A chill flows through my body and the hairs at the back of my neck stand up. Wiping away the tears from under her eyes, Adrienne composes herself as she speaks.

  “When this branding and design company came to me with a proposition to back them a few months ago, I knew it was a good investment to make. They had one condition that caught my eye. They wanted a new hire, one of four potential people. And your name was listed.”

  My body trembles as I try to stay focused. That day three years ago. What did she do?

  “You earned your position, dear, I promise you that. Your name was at the top of the short list, but I made sure they hired you. I wanted you because I knew your name. I had it etched into my memory.” It takes everything in me to stay calm as she tells me what she did. It changed my life forever.

  “Three years ago, I wanted my son to talk to me. To sit down at the same table as me. I wanted him to know that I loved him, and to care about me in return. But he didn’t. He never wanted to see me. I went to his room and he wasn’t there, but his phone was. And on his phone was a message from a girl he must have been dating.”

  “Oh my God,” the words slip from me without conscious consent. An excruciating pain tears through me. I
spent years thinking Madox didn’t care. I would have sworn on the Bible that he’d seen it.

  He never answered me, because he never saw the text. It was her. His mother. I struggle to breathe as Adrienne continues.

  “I deleted the message without thinking twice, but I didn’t see the name it was from until after it was deleted. I knew your name from that list and I had it memorized because I had to look up the number that belonged to that contact from his phone. He only put, ’love her’ as your name, Sophie. My son loved you, and I was willing to sweep you aside so I could have him back.”

  “You… you have no idea what that did to me.” It’s hard to contain every emotion running through me.

  “I knew I’d made a mistake, and I didn’t want him to hate me any more than he already did. I spent years trying to figure out how to make it right, Sophie.” There’s a note of entitlement in her voice, a strength that she isn’t to blame for everything. And she’s not. If Madox and I could have had a fucking conversation back then, a true meaningful one, the last three years could have been different.

  I tried. In the last moments I had here, I tried.

  And she stole it from me.

  It never occurred to me how much I needed him back then. I didn’t let myself think about it because I thought he truly didn’t care if I’d stayed or left.

  “I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know how much you two loved each other. I’m sorry. All I’m doing now is begging for your forgiveness. From both of you. It took me years to realize it and even then, I didn’t want it to be true. That I’d done that to my son. You left, and he was never the same. Not until now. I made a mistake. More than one, and I’m so sorry.

  “Please forgive me. If I could go back, I swear I would. I’m trying to make it right.” Her tone is placating at best, mostly forceful though, and I can’t respond. I never thought she was my friend, she was only a woman who had given me a chance, but I still feel betrayed.

  None of it matters, because I remind myself, Madox loves me.

  “I forgive you, but you need to tell Madox.” My voice is eerily calm, disconnected from her pain, and it feels underserving. She’s suffering; it’s easy to see. But she’s done this to herself, and I don’t know that there’s a way to get out of it. The hole she’s dug is so deep.

  “I just want my son to forgive me. I can’t live like this. I want to love him and for him to know that I love him. I’m trying, Sophie. I promise you I will do anything to make it right.”

  “You really need to talk to Madox, honestly. I don’t think he knows you love him. And he deserves to be loved.”

  “I’ll talk to him tonight. I’ll tell him. Please, don’t leave him. Please? He loves you.”

  “I don’t know what he’s going to say or think, or whether or not you two will be all right. But I know I won’t let anything come between us again. I can promise you that.”

  Chapter 17

  Sophie

  The Ace of Swords, yet again the conflict suit. But the Ace is the start and thus it signifies a new beginning. With clarity, nothing will break you, and no challenge will take from you. The Ace of Swords means conviction and standing by what is true.

  There was a knock on my door at two in the morning. I was still wide awake and waiting by my phone, waiting to hear back from Madox. He dropped me off before meeting his mother at her place. She insisted they talk tonight and I urged him to go to her, but I didn’t think about sitting here waiting on him all night.

  I’ve never been so uncomfortable being alone. I’ve never wanted to go to him more than I did tonight, knowing he was talking to his mother. And it’s been hours.

  Trish kept me company on the phone. She had no idea his mother was responsible for this whole thing. The text, the job. None of us did. I knew this apartment was too much. She had the company not just hire me, but also pay for my traveling expenses and an apartment I shouldn’t have gotten. Adrienne made sure I wouldn’t say no to the job offer and to coming back to New York. She made sure there was no reason I wouldn’t come back.

  And she was right.

  I let him in the second he knocked on the door and it’s been nearly an hour since then, both of us just lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and talking about it all. Every few minutes there’s silence, but there’s so much to talk about that the silence doesn’t last for long.

  “She said she’ll give the company over to someone else if you’d prefer for her not to be there anymore,” Madox says and squeezes my hand.

  “I don’t know how I feel about it all,” I whisper.

  “You were on their list, Soph. They wanted you.”

  “They’re going to find out. Everyone I work for is going to find out I was basically gifted my job.” That part hurts. It fucking hurts. “I love this job, and it’s a big deal to me.”

  “Give it a week,” Madox says calmly. “No one knows, and you deserve to have time to show them what you can do.”

  The idea of walking away from Lara Bolton and my dream job fucking kills me. I could learn so much from her. “I don’t want to give it up,” I tell him and he rubs his thumb along my wrist; I hope he never gives up that habit.

  “Then stay, and my mother won’t be involved in any way.”

  At his words and the harsh way they were spoken, I turn on my side, letting his hand go and face him. Tucking my hands under the pillow, I wait for him to look at me before asking, “Do you forgive her?”

  “Which part?” he asks me and I feel a swell of sadness rise up my throat. I can’t even imagine how he feels. “She told my father to kill himself that night, and he did. It’s hard to forgive either of them.”

  I watch as he swallows, his throat tightening and the small bits of stubble showing. “It doesn’t feel right. I feel like telling her I’m okay with her now is the same as saying what happened that night is okay, and that feels wrong to my father. But he wronged me first.”

  His voice cracks and he covers his eyes with his hand for just a moment, breathing in deep. When he takes his hand away, his eyes look red, but there are no tears. “I don’t know how anyone can get past it.”

  “I don’t think anyone wants you to get past it. I think your mother just wants you to forgive her for what you can,” I speak slowly, trying to keep my voice even and calm. Agony consumes me when I look at him like this. I never knew my hero was hurting. I wish when we were younger that we would have bared our souls to each other like we are now.

  Everything would have been different.

  In a way, we have his mother to thank for it. I can’t deny that.

  Madox doesn’t reply for a while and I scoot closer to him, needing to feel my body against his.

  “She brought you back to me,” he says after a moment and I nod my head against his chest. Wrapping his arm around me, Madox pulls me closer. “It’s hard to see her though. It’s just difficult to imagine being on a friendly basis with her.”

  “I can understand that,” I whisper and he pets my hair. “You’re doing really good just talking about it. You can take it day by day.”

  Another minute passes.

  “I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know what she wants from me. We were never close. I was always my father’s son… which is why… fuck.”

  Years ago I held him like this as he mourned his father’s death. And tonight I do this same. Grief comes and goes. It’s not something that’s a singular notion. It’s constant.

  “You should talk to her,” I barely speak the words. “You know I didn’t get along with my mom. But I wish I’d told her I loved her before she died.” My throat feels hot and my mouth dry as regret comes for me once again. “She wasn’t perfect, and she hurt me with some of the things she did… but I did love her, and I regret not making sure she knew it before she died.”

  Madox holds me closer, tighter to him and plants a small kiss on my cheek. His touch is soothing.

  “It’s not my place to interfere, but she loves you and I know she ha
s regrets. You could see a therapist, maybe,” I offer, hoping he’ll see someone or try to talk to her. I don’t want him to live with any more regret than he already has.

  I never knew how badly he hurt, and I don’t want that for him. He doesn’t deserve this pain.

  “Can I just talk to you?” As I part my lips he adds, “And I’ll listen to my mother, or I’ll try to at least.”

  “I think that sounds like a really good plan. If you do it.”

  “I will.”

  I give him a quick kiss while holding his hands as tight as I can. “Promise me.”

  “I promise.”

  Another moment passes where it’s quiet. My eyes feel heavier, my heart a tiny bit lighter, and my entire body feels warm next to him. He feels like home.

  “I can’t tell you how badly I’ve wanted this for so long.”

  “Talking?” I ask.

  “Just being with you. It feels better when I’m with you.”

  I smile against his chest, but it’s a mix of longing, of sadness, and of something else. Regret that we could have had this for the past three years instead of all the pain. “Yeah,” I say and my voice cracks. “I know. Me too.” I sniffle and refuse to cry any more before telling him, “Promise you won’t stop talking to me, Madox. Even if I get upset. I just need to know you love me.”

  “I’ve always loved you. I never want to say the wrong thing.”

  “Madox, every word that comes from these lips is kind. You’re so careful with me.”

  “Maybe that’s why we work?” he asks and I have to laugh. It’s a crazy sound that erupts from my lips. As if this is what a good relationship is.

  “Is that what you think? We work?” I ask him and then push myself even closer to him. Any closer and I’d be on top of him.