by Patrick Ness
I look at her and I think, as loud and clear as I can, Can you hear me? Can you?
But she don’t change her face, she don’t change her look.
“Okay,” I say, and I take a step back. “Okay. You just stay there, okay? You just stay right there.”
I take a few more steps back but I keep my eyes on her and she keeps her eyes on me. I bring my knife arm down and I slide it outta one strap of the rucksack, then I lean over and drop the rucksack to the ground. I keep the knife in one hand and with the other I open up the rucksack and fish out the book.
It’s heavier than you think a thing made of words could be. And it smells of leather. And there’s pages and pages of my ma’s–
That’ll have to wait.
“You watch her, Manchee,” I say.
“Watch!” he barks.
I look inside the front cover and there’s the paper folded in just like Ben said. I unfold it. There’s a hand-drawn map on one side and then a whole buncha writing on the back but it’s all a big block of letters which I ain’t got the calmness of Noise to even try right now so I just look at the map.
Our house is right at the top and the town just below with the river Manchee and I came down off to one side leading into the swamp and that’s where we are now. But there’s more to it, ain’t there? The swamp keeps going till it starts being a river again and there’s arrows drawn along the riverbank so that’s where Ben is wanting me and Manchee to go and I follow the arrows with my fingers and it leads right outta the swamp, it leads right to–
WHUMP!! The world goes bright for a second as something clubs me up side the head, right on the sore spot where Aaron punched me, and I fall over but as I’m falling I swing the knife up and I hear a little yelp of pain and I catch myself before I fall all the way down and I turn, sitting down on the ground hard, holding the back of my knife hand to the pain in my head but looking at where the attack came from and it’s here that I learn my very first lesson: Things with no Noise can sneak right up on you. Sneak right up on you like they ain’t even there.
The girl is on her butt, too, sitting on the ground away from me, holding on to one of her upper arms with her hand, blood coming from twixt her fingers. She’s dropped the stick she hit me with and her face is all collapsed in on itself with what she must be feeling from that cut.
“WHAT THE HELL D’YOU DO THAT FOR?” I shout, trying not to touch my face too hard. Man, am I sick of being hit today.
The girl just looks at me, her forehead still creased, holding her cut.
Which is kinda bleeding a lot.
“Stick, Todd!” Manchee barks.
“And where the hell were you?” I say to him.
“Poo, Todd.”
I make a “Gah!” sound and kick some dirt at him. He scrabbles back, then starts sniffing at some bushes like there ain’t nothing unusual going on in the world. Dogs got attenshun spans about as long as a matchstick. Idiot things.
It’s starting to get dark now, the sun really setting, the already dark swamp getting even darker, and I still don’t have no answer. Time keeps passing and I ain’t sposed to wait here and I ain’t sposed to go back and there ain’t sposed to be a girl.
Boy, that cut really is bleeding on her.
“Hey,” I say, my voice shaky from the charge running through me. I am Todd Hewitt, I think. I am almost a man. “Hey,” I say again, trying to be a little calmer.
The girl looks at me.
“I ain’t gonna hurt you,” I say, breathing hard, just like her. “You hear me? I ain’t gonna hurt you. As long as you don’t try to hit me with no more sticks, all right?”
She looks at my eyes. Then she looks at the knife.
Is she understanding?
I lower the knife away from my face and bring it down near the ground. I don’t let go of it, tho. With my free hand, I start looking thru the rucksack again till I find the medipak Ben threw in. I hold it up.
“Medipak,” I say. She doesn’t change. “Me-di-pak,” I say slowly. I point to my own upper arm, to where the cut is on her. “Yer bleeding.”
Nothing.
I sigh and I start to stand. She flinches and scoots back on her butt. I sigh again in an angry way. “I ain’t gonna hurt you.” I hold up the medipak. “It’s medicine. It’ll stop the bleeding.”
Still nothing. Maybe there ain’t nothing in her at all.
“Look,” I say and I snap open the medipak. I fumble with one hand and take out a styptic pad, tearing away the paper cover with my teeth. I’m probably bleeding from where first Aaron hit me and then the girl, so I take the pad and rub it over my eye and eyebrow. I pull it away and yep, there’s blood. I hold the pad out to the girl so she can see it. “See?” I point to my eye. “See? It stops things bleeding.”
I take a step forward, just the one. She flinches back but not as much. I take another step, then another and then I’m next to her. She keeps looking at the knife.
“I ain’t putting it down, so just forget it,” I say. I push the pad towards her arm. “Even if it’s deep, this stitches it up, okay? I’m trying to help you.”
“Todd?” Manchee barks, full of asking marks.
“In a minute,” I say. “Look, yer bleeding everywhere, okay? And I can fix it, all right? Just don’t get any ideas about any more ruddy sticks.”
She’s watching. And she’s watching. And she’s watching. I’m trying to be as calm as I really don’t feel. I don’t know why I’m helping her, not after she whacked me on the head, but I don’t know what to do about anything. Ben said there’d be answers in the swamp and there ain’t no answers, there’s just this girl who’s bleeding cuz I cut her even tho she deserved it and if I can stop the bleeding then maybe that’s doing something.
I don’t know. I don’t know what to do, so I just do this.
The girl’s still watching me, still breathing heavy. But she ain’t running and she ain’t flinching and then so you can hardly tell at all she’s turning her upper arm towards me a little bit so I can reach the cut.
“Todd?” Manchee barks again.
“Shush,” I say, not wanting to scare the girl any more. Being this close to her silence is like my heart breaking all over the place. I can feel it, like it’s pulling me down into a bottomless pit, like it’s calling for me to just fall and fall and fall.
But I keep my nerve, I do. I keep it and I press the styptic pad on her arm, rubbing the cut, which is pretty deep, till it closes a bit and stops bleeding.
“Ya gotta be careful,” I say. “That ain’t a permanent heal. You gotta be careful with it till yer body heals the rest, okay?”
And all she does is look at me.
“Okay,” I say, to myself as much as anyone cuz now that that’s done, what’s next?
“Todd?” Manchee barks. “Todd?”
“And no more sticks, all right?” I say to the girl. “No more hitting me.”
“Todd?” Manchee again.
“And obviously my name’s Todd.”
And there, just there, just there in the fading light, is there a little beginning of a start of a smile? Is there?
“Can you . . . ?” I say, looking as deep into her eyes as the pressure in my chest allows. “Can you understand me?”
“Todd,” Manchee’s barking picks up a notch.
I turn to him. “What?”
“Todd! TODD!!!”
And then we can all hear it. Pounding thru the bushes and branches breaking and running footsteps and Noise and Noise and oh, crap, Noise.
“Get up,” I say to the girl. “Get up! Now!”
I grab my rucksack and put it on and the girl’s looking terrified but in a not-helpful paralysed way and I shout “Come on!” to her again and I grab her arm, not thinking about the cut now, and I try to lift her to her feet but all of a sudden it’s too late and there’s a yell and a roar and a sound like whole trees falling down and me and the girl can only both turn to look and it’s Aaron and he’s mad and he’s messed-up
and he’s coming right for us.
He’s on us in three steps. Before I can even try and run, he’s coming at me with his hands out, grabbing my neck, smashing me back against a tree.
“You little FILTH!” he screams and presses his thumbs into my throat. I scrabble at his arms, trying to slash at him with the knife, but my rucksack has fallen and the strap has pinned my arm back against the tree so he can pretty much go on strangling me for as long as it takes.
His face is a nightmare, a horrible thing I’m not gonna stop seeing even if I ever get outta this. The crocs took his left ear and a long strip of flesh with it going right down his left cheek. You can see his teeth through the gash and it’s causing his left eye to bulge forward like his head’s been caught in mid-explosion. There are other gashes on his chin and neck and his clothes are torn and there’s blood practically everywhere and I can even see a croc tooth sticking out of a fleshy tear on his shoulder.
I’m choking for breath but not getting any at all and you can’t believe how much it hurts and the world’s gone spinning and my brain’s going funny and I have this stupid little thought that Aaron didn’t survive the croc attack after all, that he died but he’s so pissed off at me that dying didn’t stop him from coming here to kill me anyway.
“WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT?” he screams, little bits of blood and spit and flesh spraying onto my face. He squeezes my neck harder and I can feel myself throwing up but there’s nowhere for it to go and I can’t breathe and all the lights and colours are flowing together and I’m dying and I’m going to die.
“AAH!” Aaron suddenly jerks back, letting me go. I drop to the ground and throw up all over everywhere and take in a huge gasping breath that makes me cough in a way like I’m never gonna stop. I look up and see Manchee’s snout wrapped around Aaron’s calf, biting it for all he’s worth.
Good dog.
Aaron slams Manchee sideways with an arm, sending him flying into the bushes. I hear a thump and a yelp and a “Todd?”
Aaron whirls around to me again and I just can’t stop looking at his face, at the gashes everywhere that no one could have survived, no one, it’s not possible.
Maybe he really is dead.
“Where’s the sign?” he says, his torn expression changing right quick and looking around in a sudden panic.
The sign?
The–
The girl.
I look, too. She’s gone.
Aaron whirls again, this way, that, and then I see him hearing it the same time I do, hearing the rustle and snap as she runs, hearing the silence as it flows away from us, and without another look at me, he takes off after her and he’s gone.
And just like that, I’m alone.
Just like that, like I have nothing to do with anything here.
What a stupid day this has been.
“Todd?” Manchee comes limping outta the bushes.
“I’m okay, buddy,” I try to say and get some of it out despite the coughing, even tho it ain’t true. “I’m okay.”
I try to keep breathing thru the coughs, forehead on the ground, dribbling spit and barf everywhere.
I keep breathing and these thoughts start coming. They come all uninvited, don’t they?
Cuz maybe that could be it, couldn’t it? Maybe it could be over, simple as that. The girl’s obviously what Aaron wants, whatever he means by “the sign”, right? The girl’s obviously what the town wants, what with all the ruckus over the quiet in my Noise. And so if Aaron can have her and the town can have her, then that could be the end of it, right? They could have what they want and leave me alone and I could go back and everything could be like it was before and, yeah, it would probably be no good for the girl but it might save Ben and Cillian.
It might save me.
I’m just thinking it, all right? The thoughts rush in, that’s all.
Thoughts that this could be over as soon as it started.
“Over,” Manchee murmurs.
And then I hear the terrible, terrible scream that of course is the girl getting caught and that’s the choice made, ain’t it?
The next scream comes a second later but I’m already on my feet without even really thinking it, slipping off my rucksack, leaning a bit, coughing still, reaching for more breath, but the knife in my hand and running.
They’re easy to follow. Aaron’s torn thru the bushes like a bullock and his Noise is throwing up a roar and always, always, always there’s the silence of the girl, even behind her screams, which somehow makes it even harder to hear. I run the best I can after them, Manchee on my heels, and it ain’t more than half a minute before we’re there with genius me having no idea what to do now I’ve got here. Aaron’s chased her into a bit of water about ankle-deep and got her back up against a tree. He’s got her wrists in his hands but she’s fighting him, fighting and kicking for all she’s worth, but her face is a thing so scared I can barely get my words out.
“Leave her alone,” my voice rasps but no one hears me. Aaron’s Noise is blazing so loud I’m not sure he’d hear me even if I yelled. THE HOLY SACRAMENT and THE SIGN FROM GOD and THE PATH OF THE SAINT and pictures of the girl in a church, pictures of the girl drinking the wine and eating the host, pictures of the girl as an angel.
The girl as a sacrifice.
Aaron gets both of her wrists in one of his fists, fumbles off the cord belt of his robe, and starts tying her hands together with it. The girl kicks him hard where Manchee bit him and he hits her across the face with the back of his hand.
“Leave her alone,” I say again, trying to make my voice louder.
“Alone!” Manchee barks, still limping but still ferocious. What a ruddy good dog.
I step forward. Aaron’s back’s to me, like he don’t even care I’m here, like he don’t even think of me as a threat.
“Let her go,” I try and shout but it just makes me cough some more. Still nothing, tho. Still nothing from Aaron or anyone.
I’m gonna have to do it. I’m gonna have to do it. Oh man oh man oh man I’m gonna have to do it.
I’m gonna have to kill him.
I raise the knife.
I’ve raised the knife.
Aaron turns, not even fast like, just turns like someone’s called his name. He sees me standing there, knife in the air, not moving like the goddam coward idiot I am, and he smiles and boy I just can’t say how awful a smile looks on that torn-up face.
“Yer Noise reveals you, young Todd,” he says, letting go of the girl, who’s so tied up and beaten now she don’t even try to run. Aaron takes a step towards me.
I take a step back (shut up, please just shut up).
“The Mayor will be disappointed to hear about your untimely departure from the earthly plain, boy,” Aaron says, taking another step. I take another step, too, the knife in the air like it’s of no use at all.
“But God has no use for a coward,” Aaron says, “does he, boy?”
Quick as a snake, his left arm knocks into my right, sending the knife flying out of my hand. He hits me in the face with the flat of his right hand, knocking me back down into the water and I feel his knees land on my chest and his hands pressing down on my throat to finish the job but this time my face is underwater so it’s going to be a lot faster.
I struggle but I’ve lost. I’ve lost. I had my chance and I’ve lost and I deserve this and I’m fighting but I’m not nearly as strong as I was before and I can feel the end coming. I can feel me giving up.
I’m lost.
Lost.
And then, in the water, my hand finds a rock.
BOOM! I bring it up and hit him on the side of the head before I can think about it.
BOOM! I do it again.
BOOM! And again.
I feel him slide off me and I lift my head, choking on water and air, but I sit up and raise the rock again to hit him but he’s laying down in the water, face half-in, half-out, his teeth smiling up at me thru the gash in his cheek. I scrabble back from him, coughing
and spluttering, but he stays there, sinking a little, not moving.
I feel like my throat is broken but I throw up some water and can breathe a little better.
“Todd? Todd? Todd?” Manchee says, coming up to me, all licky and barky like a little puppy. I scratch him twixt the ears cuz I can’t say nothing yet.
And then we both feel the silence and look up and there’s the girl standing over us, her hands still tied.
Holding the knife in her fingers.
I sit frozen for a second and Manchee starts to growl but then I realize. I take a few more breaths and then I reach up and take the knife from her fingers and cut the cord Aaron bound her wrists with. It drops away and she rubs where it was tied, still staring at me, still not saying nothing.
She knows. She knows I couldn’t do it.
Goddam you, I think to myself. Goddam you.
She looks at the knife. She looks over at Aaron, lying down in the water.
He’s still breathing. He gurgles water with every breath, but he’s still breathing.
I grip the knife. The girl looks at me, at the knife, at Aaron, at me again.
Is she telling me? Is she telling me to do it?
He’s lying there, undefended, probably eventually drowning.
And I have a knife.
I get to my feet, fall down from dizziness, and get to my feet again. I step towards him. I raise my knife. Again.
The girl takes in a breath and I can feel her holding it.
Manchee says, “Todd?”
And I have my knife raised over Aaron. One more time, I’ve got my chance. One more time, I’ve got my knife raised.
I could do it. No one on New World would blame me. It’d be my right.
I could just do it.
But a knife ain’t just a thing, is it? It’s a choice, it’s something you do. A knife says yes or no, cut or not, die or don’t. A knife takes a decision out of your hand and puts it in the world and it never goes back again.
Aaron’s gonna die. His face is ripped, his head is bashed, he’s sinking into shallow water without ever waking up. He tried to kill me, he wanted to kill the girl, he’s responsible for the ruckus in town, he’s gotta be the one who sent the Mayor to the farm and cuz of that he’s responsible for Ben and Cillian. He deserves to die. He deserves it.
