by Angel Cole
“When is Sherry going to be here?” Nicki asked Carmen as she wiped down the counter at Dani’s house after the kids had made a mess while eating breakfast. They had gone off to school, and Nicki had the new baby cradled in her arms as she sat at the kitchen island while Carmen cleaned up.
“She’s scheduled to fly in later in the day,” Carmen had replied, putting away the tablecloth and leaning her hip against the counter.
“I’m so excited to see her again,” Nicki said enthusiastically, and Carmen nodded in agreement.
“Okay,” she sighed deeply. “I’m going to go get Dani ready for the day.”
“Good luck,” Nicki grimaced as Carmen headed into the master bedroom.
The room was dark with the blinds drawn shut, and all the lights turned off. All she could see of Dani was a vaguely human-shaped lump buried under the covers in the vast bed. Carmen stopped at the door and took a deep breath; today was going to be a challenge.
“Dani?” she called softly. There was no response. “Hey, hon, it’s time to get some food into your system so we can get the day started.”
She heard the faint sound of sniffling coming from under the cover before Dani raised the covers, revealing only her forehead and eyes and replied in a muffled voice, “Not today, Carmen. Can you guys go away? Leave me alone.”
Carmen had gone through a brief bout of post-natal depression after Lydia’s birth, so she recognized that Dani was going through the same thing.
“It is not going down like that today, hon,” she replied firmly, walking past the bed to the drapes and pulling them open aggressively, filling the room with bright sunlight.
Dani screeched and hastily covered her head once more at the unwelcomely bright light directed right at her face. Carmen usually would have found her reaction comical if the circumstances weren’t so serious.
“I’m sorry, Dani,” she said, her tone filled with sincerity and understanding. “But we have to get you fed and washed. You’ve got a newborn to take care of.”
From her own experience, Carmen knew that this was not the right way to treat someone who had depression, but she needed to get Dani’s ass up and out of bed so she could go and see her doctor.
Dani lowered the covers again, still only slightly, and growled at her friend. “Get out!”
This time, Carmen did laugh. Loudly.
“What?” she asked Dani and, as the woman was about to reply, Carmen held up a hand. “No, wait,” she interrupted her. “Girl, here is what is going to happen, so listen closely. First off, you are going to save all that shit for someone else. You don’t scare or intimidate me, got it? Secondly, you’re going to get out of that bed or, God help me, I will drag your skinny ass out myself, dress you, funky smelling or not, and snatch you down that hallway to see that beautiful child of yours. Hold on; I’m not finished,” she raised her hand again as she noticed Dani opening her mouth to speak. “After that, I’ll drag you out of this house, and we’ll go see your doctor get your ass on some medication to deal with this little mental issue you are having right now. Then you’re free to do as you please. So, what’s it going to be? Do you want to do all that voluntarily or should I start dragging ass now?”
Dani looked up at Carmen for a full thirty seconds before rolling her eyes. “Okay, I’ll get up on my own,” she said grudgingly. “But only because I want to see my kids. And I refuse to let you take me out in public smelling ‘funky’ in any way. And because I know your ass was serious about all that shit.”
Carmen crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow, waiting for Dani to make good on her word.
Dani scoffed. “Can I at least have some privacy, please?”
“No, Dani, you can’t.” Carmen responded bluntly. “I don’t trust you; not when you are like this. You could lock this door on me, and I’m not having that. I’ve seen you naked before, pushing a kid out of your vagina for that matter. It ain’t nothing new to me. Get. Up. Now.” She punctuated each word, making sure that her point got across to Dani.
“Bitch,” Dani mumbled, quietly but Carmen still just managed to hear her.
Carmen snapped. She leaned down and snatched the covers off Dani who screamed in surprise and hastily tried to cover herself up.
Enraged, Carmen threw the covers down on the floor and fixed Dani with a hard gaze. “This ‘bitch’ said to get the fuck up, right now!” she commanded. “Now! Dani!” she added when the other woman still did not move, instead, staring at her friend in shock.
Genuinely terrified, Dani got out of the bed and headed to the bathroom with Carmen right at her heels. Carmen turned around as Dani used the toilet and instead turned on her shower for her then went back into the bedroom to choose an outfit for the day for Dani. She went back in the bathroom after settling on a simple dress and sandals and helped Dani wash her waist-length, blonde, hair in silence.
Dani was still recovering from a dramatic delivery so she did need all the help she could get. Carmen helped her into the dress she had chosen and walked her down the hall to the living room where Nicki was softly humming to and gently rocking Dani’s baby boy back and forth in her arms. Nicki looked up as they approached and turned to them, handing the baby wordlessly to Dani, albeit looking a little saddened to do so.
Dani reached down, and took her son from Nicki, cradling him in her arms with care. She gazed at her baby boy, and her face softened before tears began to stream down her cheeks uncontrollably. “He’s so beautiful,” she whispered.
“Yeah, he is, boo,” Nicki agreed with her. “And he’s all yours, so you need to get better for him. I know you have been through a lot, and I don’t want to minimize that. But this is about the little man here. As his mom, you need to make sure he is okay, even when you’re not.”
“We can get you help, Dani,” Carmen chimed in. “But who is going to help him? And Trey Jr. and Aria? Trey’s not here, and we can’t always be here. It can only be you. You must be okay for those kids. You owe it to them to take care of yourself so you can take care of them.”
“Sherry is coming to see you guys and spend time with you all,” Nicki said. “We’re all here for you, no matter what. You will be okay,” she said firmly, knowing that Dani needed to hear that. She brushed locks of hair from Dani’s face to see her eyes and determine if they were getting through to her. Dani continued to stare down at her child with tears spilling from her eyes.
“Can we go to the doctor today?” She asked in a quiet voice.
“Yes!” Nicki replied instantly. “Of course, we can. I already made the appointment for this afternoon. The doctor also wants you to bring in the baby for weight checks and a quick health assessment.”
Dani nodded in agreement. “Can we go now?” she asked. “I don’t know if I can leave the house at all if we don’t leave now.”
Carmen rubbed Dani’s back, soothingly. “Of course, we can, sweetie.”
Nicki pushed herself up, awkwardly from the couch with her cane and limped to the bedroom. “I’ll get your purse,” she called back to the women. “The baby has been fed and changed so you can just grab his bag.”
They made quick work of packing up all that they needed and then went outside to Dani’s Cadillac SUV. Dani got in the back with her baby and Nicki joined her there, helping to settle the baby securely in his car seat. She stayed in the back seat with Dani in case she or the baby needed anything while Carmen got into the driver’s seat.
“Dani?” Nicki asked, once Carmen started the car and pulled out of the driveway. Dani looked up from her baby’s peacefully sleeping face to Nicki’s expectantly.
“What’s this baby’s name?”
Dani blinked as she realized that she had not yet named her child. She had been waiting on Trey so they could decide on a name together, but he had told her the previous night that he was okay with any name she wanted. Carmen glanced at Dani through the rear-view mirror as the woman looked down at the baby in his seat, gently stroking his soft cheek with one long finger. There w
as a mix of contemplation and wonder on her face.
Dani smiled slowly and looked up. “Will,” she said softly to her friends. “I want to call him Will.”
“William?” Carmen asked. “It’s a lovely name.”
“No, not William,” Dani corrected. “Just Will.”
Nicki and Carmen’s eyes met in the rear-view mirror, and they smiled at each other, both knowing William had been Dani’s deceased father’s given name but that he had gone by Will.
“Okay,” Carmen said. “Will it is then.”
CHAPTER 10
“Hello,” Sherry answered her phone with trepidation, dreading the conversation that she knew she could not avoid.
“Sherry, what the hell happened to you?” Carmen did not waste any time on greetings, instead of going straight to the point. “One minute you were here and all for helping one of your best friends who is in her biggest time of need in her life, and the next minute I hear your ass had hopped on a plane right back to New York. What happened?”
“I am sorry, girl,” Sherry replied, sounding genuine. “I had an emergency with one of my cases and had to get back ASAP. I got a chance to talk with Dani for a bit before I left, and I even saw baby Will. She’s got you and Nicki; she will be okay.”
Carmen immediately noted the pleading tone of Sherry’s voice. Sherry was her oldest friend beside her sisters, and she could tell that she was not completely honest about why she left so abruptly. It was clear to her that something else was going on.
Carmen softened her tone, trying to reach out to her best friend. “What’s going on, Sherry? Talk to me.”
Sherry knew that she could never hide anything from Carmen for long. Her oldest friend knew her too well. That was one reason she kept her visits home so infrequent. She knew that Carmen was trying to reach out to her, and she usually could tell Carmen anything, but the real reason she left Dani’s house so suddenly was something she couldn’t talk about just now. Instead of providing an answer to the question that Carmen had asked, she asked a question of her own. Something that she had to know.
“Did you know that Trey was going to be there, Carmen?”
“What?” Carmen asked, completely taken aback by Sherry’s question. “Trey was home? Is that why you left?” Her question was met with silence, so she continued. “I swear, I didn’t know that he was back. Dani didn’t even mention it to me when she called to tell me that you had left.”
Sherry let out a sigh of relief. She already knew that Carmen’s answer would be no; her friend was aware of how much she despised Dani’s husband, but she had to ask anyway.
Carmen heard Sherry’s sigh of relief and frowned. “You have got to let this Trey thing go, Sherry,” she said. “So, you don’t like him, but you are the godmother of his three kids and best friend to his wife. They have been married for over nine years now, so I think it’s safe to say that he is not going anywhere soon. Make peace and move on!”
Sherry listened to Carmen in silence. The temptation to confess to her oldest friend everything that was lying heavy on her heart almost won out, but she knew that this was not the right time.
Carmen closed her eyes and sighed deeply before asking the question that had been left neglected for so many years. “Unless…is there something else going on that you haven’t told me? Between you and Trey?” Carmen’s voice trailed off in a whisper even though she was the only one in the room. She held her breath as she waited for Sherry’s reply.
“Nothing worth repeating,” Sherry’s tone was bland, without emotion. “It’s the same story as in high school. He is a pig, and he will always be a pig. I can’t stand him, and I will not ‘make peace and move on.’ There’s nothing left to say.”
Carmen realized that she had hit a sensitive chord with her question based on Sherry’s response, but she also knew her friend. When Sherry shut down, that was it. She kept everybody locked out, and no one was going to crack that shell until she let her walls down again.
“Look, Carmen, someone’s at the door.” Her tone had changed, sounding more detached now. “I’ve got to go.” The conversation was over as far as Sherry was concerned. “I’ll make my peace with Dani, but I’m not coming to Cali for a while. Lots of work to do here.”
‘Yup, definitely on lockdown,’ Carmen thought as Sherry gave her non-committal excuses. There wasn’t anyone at Sherry’s door; Carmen hadn’t heard a doorbell ring or a knock on the door. She decided to try one more time before Sherry hung up.
“It’s time to stop running from your girls and come back home, Sherry. We miss you. Do you need me to come to you instead? It can be just the two of us like it used to be. We can get caught up and talk.”
Sherry sighed heavily. As tempting as the offer was, she knew she could not accept. “I’d love to have you here, Carmen; just you and me, but you’ve got an infant at home that you are breastfeeding and two other kids, and although your husband is understanding, I don’t want to take advantage of that. I’m fine, okay?”
“Fine,” Carmen conceded. She knew that Sherry would not accept her offer anyway. “But I don’t believe you for one second,” she was quick to add. “I know you are using the distance between us to hide something from me but remember what grandpa used to say? ‘Todo lo que se hace en la oscuridad sale a la luz un dia.’ ‘Everything done in the dark comes to light one day.’
“Recuerdo,” Sherry replied, sounding sad at the mention of grandpa Vasquez. ‘I remember.’
“Goodnight, Carmen. I love you, girl.”
“I love you too, sis,” Carmen replied earnestly before hanging up.
She was slightly pissed at Dani for not letting her know that Trey was going to be home. Sherry was already keeping enough secrets and the events of today, only known to Sherry and Trey, would make her withdraw further.
“Shit,” Carmen swore aloud. The birth of Dani’s baby was supposed to help to bring them back together, but instead, this trip had formed an even bigger wedge between them.
‘Would they ever get Sherry back?’ Carmen wondered worriedly. She had her doubts. On the other hand, she honestly couldn’t stand Trey either and didn’t blame Sherry one bit for hightailing it out of there.
CHAPTER 11
Carmen and Anthony's third child was both unprepared for and unexpected. In a forgetful moment from one of their date nights where Carmen had indulged in a little more alcohol than her usual one drink and had not used her birth control. Her second child Anthony Jr., or AJ as they fondly called him, was just barely a year old. She did not relish the thought of having two kids in diapers. As she sat in the bathroom looking down at the positive pregnancy test, she wondered how she was going to break the news to Anthony.
He had recently been promoted to manager at his job and the number of shifts he was working had increased, making him spend less time at home. Carmen waited in their bedroom for him to come back home that night where, usually, she would already be asleep by the time he came home.
"Hey, honey," she greeted him hesitantly as he stepped into the bedroom.
"Baby," he looked surprised to see her awake. "You're still up? Is something wrong?"
"No, no," Carmen assured him hastily as the frown on his face began to deepen. "Nothing is wrong; I just have to talk to you about something." He still looked unsure, so she gave him a reassuring smile. "It's alright; go have a shower first then we can talk."
He nodded hesitantly but did as she said, heading into the bathroom to shower. Carmen bit her lip and held her breath as he went in, to emerge back out a few seconds later with an object in his hand.
"Carmen?' he asked unsurely, the question hanging in the air, and she gave a small nod in confirmation. For a moment, they stared at each other, a huge smile slowly graced his features. He approached the bed looking down at her for another second before he took a seat beside her.
"Is this what had you so worried?" he asked, holding up the pregnancy test and she nodded.
"Baby," he put down the pregnancy t
est and took both of her hands in his, fixing her with an intense gaze, "I'm so excited to expand our family," he assured her. Carmen smiled at his confident tone.
"Then I guess we are having another baby." She sheepishly shrugged, reaching out to hug her husband.
Eight months after, the delivery of baby number three went smoothly and without any complications. They had a gorgeous, seven-pound baby girl with a surprising amount of shocking black hair, and they named her Mia.
Carmen was overwhelmed with two babies still in diapers, and her eldest just out of diapers. Her mother helped her out as much as she could, and Anthony took paternity leave from work to be home with his wife and children. Her sisters, Nicki and Dani also helped when they could, but often it was just Carmen and Anthony. The reality was that she had three kids, all under the age of four, and they were a handful. Her friends and family had busy lives of their own, and they could only help so much.
In the months after she gave birth to Mia, Carmen recognized the sighs of postpartum depression in herself, having experienced a mild case after Lydia's birth and witnessing Dani going through hers after the birth of Will. Something seemed different about it this time, slowly losing herself as the depression began to swallow her up. When she lay in her room at night with tears streaked down her face, she wondered why she was depressed since her pregnancy and delivery were textbook perfect. Nothing felt right or good enough for her. She thought her child was amazing, but she did not feel her heart leap with joy at the sight of Mia as she had with her first two children. She felt empty, as if there was a wall, she couldn't get around to get to her feelings. She felt overwhelmed by even the simplest of chores, and all she ever wanted to do lately was curl up and cry. She hated her body and loathed the post-baby weight that she had added.
After a while, she stopped eating entirely and refused to get out of bed. The store had to reduce its opening hours as Carmen's mom attempted to run it for her. Carmen couldn't bring herself to care. Instead, she began to think about her grandfather and how much she missed him more than she could put into words. She reflected on the night that he was killed, often hating herself for not touching him one last time, or at least holding his hand as he died. The regret was what hurt the most. She had no guilt about killing the man who had shot him, and in her memories, she was very removed from that whole aspect of the event. She had missed her grandfather over the years, sometimes more so than others, but these feelings were new to her; the regrets and the longing to change how things were.
