by Frank Harris
London had to call in moneys lent to American railways and other enterprises. Bit by bit even American optimism was overcome, for immigration in 1871 1872 fell off greatly and the foreign calls for cash exhausted our inks. The crash came in 1873; nothing like it was seen again in these states till the slump of 1907, which led to the founding of the Federal Reserve Bank. Willie's fortune melted almost in a moment: this mortgage and that had to be met and could only be met by forced sales, with no buyers except at minimum values.
When I talked to him, he was almost in despair; no money; no property: all lost; the product of three years' hard work and successful speculation all swept away. Could I help him? If not, he was ruined.
He told me he had drawn all he could from my father: naturally I promised to help him; but first I had to pay the Gregorys, and to my astonishment he begged me to let him have the money instead. «Mrs.
Gregory and all of 'em like you,» he pleaded. «They can wait, I cannot; I know of a purchase that could be made that would make me rich again!» I realized then that he was selfish through and through, conscienceless in egotistic greed. I gave up my faint hope that he would ever repay me: henceforth he was a stranger to me and one that I did not even respect, though he had some fine, ingratiating qualities. I left him to walk across the river and in a few blocks met Rose. She looked prettier than ever and I turned and walked with her, praising her beauty to the skies, and indeed she deserved it; short green sleeves, I remember, set off her exquisite, plump, white arms. I promised her some books and made her say she would read them; indeed, I was astonished by the warmth of her gratitude. She told me it was sweet of me, gave me her eyes, and we parted the best of friends, with just a hint of warmer relationship in the future.
That evening I paid the Gregorys Willie's debt and my own and did not send him the balance of what I possessed, as I had promised, but instead a letter telling him I had preferred to cancel his debt to the Gregorys. Next day he came and assured me he had promised moneys on the strength of my promise, had bought a hundred crates, too, of chickens to ship to Denver, and had already an offer from the mayor of Denver at double what he had given. I read the letters and wire he showed me and let him have four hundred dollars, which drained me and kept me poor for months; indeed, till I brought off the deal with Dingwall, which I am about to relate, and which put me on my feet again in comfort. I should now tell of Willie's misadventure with his carload of chickens: it suffices here to say that he was cheated by his purchaser and that I never saw a dollar of all I had loaned him. Looking back, I understand that it was probably the slump of 1873 that induced the Mayhews to go to Denver; but after they left, I was at a loose end for some months. I could not get work, though I tried everything: I was met everywhere with the excuse, «Hard times!
Hard times!» At length I took a place as waiter in the Eldridge House, the only job I could find that left most of the forenoon free for the university. Smith disliked this new departure of mine and told me he would soon find me a better post; and Mrs. Gregory was disgusted and resentful-partly out of snobbishness, I think. From this time on I felt her against me, and gradually she undermined my influence with Kate. I soon knew I had fallen in public esteem, too, but not for long. One day in the fall Smith introduced me to a Mr. Rankin, the cashier of the First National Bank, who handed over to me at once the letting of Liberty Hall, the one hall in the town large enough to accommodate a thousand people: it had a stage, too, and so could be used for theatrical performances. I gave up my work in the Eldridge House and instead used to sit in the box office of the hall from two every afternoon till seven, and did my best to let it advantageously to the advance agents of the various traveling shows or lecturers. I received sixty dollars a month for this work and one day got an experience which has modified my whole life, for it taught me how money is made in this world and can be made by any intelligent man.
One afternoon the advance agent of the Hatherly Minstrels came into my room and threw down his card. «This old one-hoss shay of a town,» he cried; «should wear grave-clothes.» «What's the matter?» I asked. «Matter!» he repeated scornfully. «I don't believe there's a place in the hull God d-d town big enough to show our double-crown bills! Not one: not a place. I meant to spend ten thousand dollars here in advertising the great Hatherly Minstrels, the best show on earth. They'll be here for a hull fortnight, and, by God, you won't take my money. You don't want money in this dead and alive hole!» The fellow amused me: he was so convinced and outspoken that I took to him. As luck would have it, I had been at the university till late that day and had not gone to the Gregorys for dinner: I was healthily hungry. I asked Mr. Dingwall whether he had dined. «No, Sir,» was his reply. «Can one dine in this place?»
«I guess so,» I replied. «If you'll do me the honor of being my guest, I'll take you to a good porterhouse steak at least,» and I took him across to the Eldridge House, a short distance away, leaving a young friend, Will Thomson, a doctor's son whom I knew, in my place.
I gave Dingwall the best dinner I could and drew him out. He was indeed «a live wire,» as he phrased it, and suddenly, inspired by his optimism, the idea came to me that if he would deposit the ten thousand dollars he had Balked of, I could put up boardings on all the vacant lots in Massachusetts Street and make a good thing out of exhibiting the bills of the various traveling shows that visited Lawrence. It wasn't the first time I had been asked to help advertise this or that entertainment. I put forward my idea timidly, yet Dingwall took it up at once. «If you can find good security, or a good surety,» he said, «I'll leave five thousand dollars with you. I've no right to, but I like you and I'll risk it.» I took him across to Mr. Rankin, the banker, who listened to me benevolently and finally said he'd go surety that I'd exhibit a thousand bills for a fortnight all down the chief street on boardings to be erected at once, on condition that Mr. Dingwall paid five thousand dollars in advance; and he gave Mr. Dingwall a letter to that effect, and then told me pleasantly he held five thousand and some odd dollars at my service.
Dingwall took the next train west, leaving me to put up boardings in a month, after getting first of all permission from the lot owners.
To cut a long story short, I got permission from a hundred lot owners in a week through my brother Willie, who as an estate agent knew them all. Then I made a contract with a little English carpenter and put the boardings up and got the bills all posted three days before the date agreed upon. Hatherly's Minstrels had a great fortnight and everyone was content. From that time on I drew about fifty dollars a week as my profit from letting the boardings, in spite of the slump.
Suddenly Smith got a bad cold: Lawrence is nearly a thousand feet above sea-level and in winter can be as icy as the Pole. He began to cough, a nasty little, dry, hacking cough. I persuaded him to see a doctor and then to have a consultation, the result being that the specialists all diagnosed tuberculosis and recommended immediate change to the milder east. For some reason or other, I believe because an editorial post on the Press in Philadelphia was offered to him, he left Lawrence hastily and took up his residence in the Quaker City.
His departure had notable results for me. First of all, the spiritual effect astonished me. As soon as he went, I began going over all he had taught me, especially in economics and metaphysics. Bit by bit I came to the conclusion that his Marxian communism was only half the truth and probably the least important half. His Hegelianism, too, which I have hardly mentioned, was pure moonshine in my opinion, extremely beautiful at moments, as the moon is when silvering purple clouds. «History is the development of the spirit in time; nature is the projection of the idea in space,» sounds wonderful, but it's moonshine, and not very enlightening. In the first three months of Smith's absence, my own individuality sprang upright like a sapling that has long been bent almost to breaking, so to speak, by a superincumbent weight, and I began to grow with a sort of renewed youth. Now, for the first time, when about nineteen years of age, I came to deal with life in my own wa
y and under this name, Frank.
As soon as I returned from the Eldridge House to lodge with the Gregorys again, Kate showed herself just as kind to me as ever. She would come to my bedroom twice or thrice a week and was always welcome, but again and again I felt that her mother was intent on keeping us apart as much as possible, and at length she arranged that Kate should pay a visit to some English friends who were settled in Kansas City. Kate postponed the visit several times, but at length she had to yield to her mother's entreaties and advice. By this time my boardings were bringing me in a good deal, and so I promised to accompany Kate and spend the whole night with her in some Kansas City hotel. We got to the hotel about ten and bold as brass I registered as Mr. and Mrs. William Wallace and went up to our room with Kate's luggage, my heart beating in my throat. Kate, too, was «all of a quiver,» as she confessed to me a little later, but what a night we had! Kate resolved to show me all her love and gave herself to me passionately, but she never took the initiative, I noticed, as Mrs. Mayhew used to do. At first I kissed her and talked a little, but as soon as she had arranged her things, I began to undress her. When her chemise fell, all glowing with my caressings, she asked,
«You really like that?» and she put her hand over her sex, standing there naked like a Greek Venus. «Naturally,» I exclaimed, «and these, too,» and I kissed and sucked her nipples until they grew rosy-red.
«Is it possible to do it-standing up?» she asked, in some confusion. «Of course,» I replied. «Let's try! But what put that into your head?» «I saw a man and a girl once behind the church near our house,» she whispered, «and I wondered how-» and she blushed rosily. As I got into her, I felt difficulty: her pussy was really small and this time seemed hot and dry: I felt her wince and, at once, withdrew. «Does it still hurt, Kate?» I asked. «A little at first,» she replied. «But I don't mind,» she hastened to add, «I like the pain!» By way of answer, I slipped my arms around her, under her bottom, and carried her to the bed. «I will not hurt you tonight,»
I said, «I'll make you give down your love-juice first and then there'll be no pain.» A few kisses and she sighed: «I'm wet now,» and I got into bed and put my sex against hers. «I'm going to leave everything to you,» I said, «but please don't hurt yourself.»
She put her hand down to my sex and guided it in, sighing a little with satisfaction as bit by bit it slipped home. After the first ecstasy, I got her to use the syringe while I watched her curiously.
When she came back to bed, «No danger now,» I cried, «no danger; my love is queen!» «You darling lover!» she cried, her eyes wide, as if in wonder. «My sex throbs and itches and oh! I feel prickings on the inside of my thighs: I want you dreadfully, Frank,» and she stretched out as she spoke, drawing up her knees. I got on top of her and softly, slowly let my sex slide into her and then began the love-play. When my second orgasm came, I indulged myself with quick, short strokes, though I knew that she preferred the long slow movement, for I was resolved to give her every sensation this golden night, When she felt me begin again the long slow movement she loved, she sighed two or three times and putting her hands on my buttocks, drew me close but otherwise made little sign of feeling for perhaps half an hour. I kept right on; the slow movement now gave me but little pleasure: it was rather a task than a joy; but I was resolved to give her a feast. I don't know how long the bout lasted, but once I withdrew and began rubbing her clitoris and the front of her sex, and panting she nodded her head and rubbed herself ecstatically against my sex, and after I had begun the slow movement again, «Please, Frank!» she gasped, «I can't stand more: I'm going crazy- choking!»
Strange to say, her words excited me more than the act: I felt my spasm coming and roughly, savagely I thrust in my sex at the same time, kneeling between her legs so as to be able to play back and forth on her tickler as well. «I'll ravish you!» I cried and gave myself to the keen delight. As my seed spirted, she didn't speak, but lay there still and white; I jumped out of the bed, got a spongeful of cold water and used it on her forehead. At once, to my joy, she opened her eyes. «I'm sorry,» she gasped, and took a drink of water,
«but I was so tired, I must have slept. You dear heart!» When I had put down the sponge and glass, I slipped into her again and in a little while she became hysterical: «I can't help crying, Frank, love,» she sighed. «I'm so happy, dear. You'll always love me? Won't you? Sweet!» Naturally, I reassured her with promises of enduring affection and many kisses. Finally, I put my left arm round her neck and so fell asleep with my head on her soft breast. In the morning we ran another course, though, sooth to say, Kate was more curious than passionate. «I want to study you!» she said, and took my sex in her hands and then my balls. «What are they for?» she asked, and I had to explain that that was where my seed was secreted.
She made a face, so I added, «You have a similar manufactory, my dear, but it's inside you, the ovaries they are called, and it takes them a month to make one egg, whereas my balls make millions in an hour. I often wonder why?» After getting Kate an excellent breakfast, I put her in a cab and she reached her friend's house just at the proper time, but the girl friend could never understand how they had missed each other at the station. I returned to Lawrence the same day, wondering what fortune had in store for me! I was soon to find out that life could be disagreeable. The University of Kansas had been established by the first western out-wanderers and like most pioneers they had brains and courage; and accordingly they put in the statutes that there should be no religious teaching of any kind in the university; still less should religion ever be exalted into a test or qualification. But in due course Yankees from New England swarmed out to prevent Kansas from being made into a slave-state, and these Yankees were all fanatical so-called Christians belonging to every known sect, but all distinguished, or rather deformed, by an intolerant bigotry in matters of religion and sex. Their honesty was by no means so pronounced: each sect had to have its own professor: thus history got an Episcopalian clergyman who knew no history, and Latin a Baptist who, when Smith greeted him in Latin, could only blush and beg him not to expose his shameful ignorance; the lady who taught French was a joke but a good Methodist, I believe; and so forth and so on: education degraded by sectarian jealousies. As soon as Professor Smith left the university, the faculty passed a resolution establishing «college chapel» in imitation of an English university custom. At once I wrote to the faculty, protesting and citing the statutes of the founders. The faculty did not answer my letter and instituted roll call instead of chapel; and when they got all the students assembled for roll call, they had the doors locked and began prayers, ending with a hymn. After the roll call, I got up and walked to the door and tried in vain to open it. Fortunately, the door on this side of the hall was only a makeshift structure of thin wooden planks. I stepped back a pace or two and appealed again to the professors seated on the platform. When they paid no heed, I ran and jumped with my foot against the lock. It sprang and the door flew open with a crash. Next day by a unanimous vote of the faculty, I was expelled from the university and was free to turn all my attention to law. Judge Stephens told me he would bring action on my behalf against the faculty, if I wished, and felt sure he'd get damages and reinstate me. But the university without Smith meant less than nothing to me, and why should I waste time fighting brainless bigots? I little knew then that that would be the main work of my life; but this first time I left my enemies the victory and the field, as I probably shall at long last. I made up my mind to study law, and as a beginning induced Barker of Barker amp; Sommerfeld to let me study in his law office. I don't remember how I got to know them, but Barker, an immensely fat man, was a famous advocate and very kind to me, for no apparent reason. Sommerfeld was a tall, fair, German-looking Jew, peculiarly inarticulate, almost tongue-tied, indeed, in English; but an excellent lawyer and a kindly, honest man who commanded the respect of all the Germans and Jews in Douglas County, partly because his fat little father had been one of the earliest settlers in Lawre
nce and one of the most successful tradesmen. He kept a general provision store and had been kind to his compatriots in their early struggling days. It was an admirable partnership. Sommerfeld had the clients and prepared the briefs, while Barker did the talking in court with a sort of invincible good humor, which I never saw equalled save in the notorious Englishman, Bottomley. Barker before a jury used to exude good nature and common sense and thus gain even bad cases. Sommerfeld I'll tell more about in due time. A little later I got depressing news from Smith: his cough had not diminished and he missed our companionship. There was a hopelessness in the letter which hurt my very heart, but what could I do? I could only keep on working hard at law, while using every spare moment to increase my income by adding to my boardings in two senses. One evening I almost ran into Lily.
Kate was still away in Kansas City, so I stopped eagerly enough to have a talk, for Lily had always interested me. After the first greetings she told me she was going home. «They are all out, I believe,» she added. At once I offered to accompany her and she consented. It was early in summer but already warm, and when we went into the parlor and Lily took a seat on the sofa, her thin white dress defined her slim figure seductively. «What do you do,» she asked mischievously, «now that dear Mrs. Mayhew's gone? You must miss her!» she added suggestively. «I do,» I confessed boldly. «I wonder if you'd have pluck enough to tell me the truth,» I went on.
