knows what's going on. How are you now?
DOLL.
Better than I was: hem!
Better than I was–ahem!
HOSTESS.
Why, that 's well said; a good heart's worth gold. Lo, here
comes Sir John.
Why, well said; a good heart is worth its weight in gold. Look, here comes Sir John.
[Enter Falstaff.]
FALSTAFF.
[Singing] "When Arthur first in court"--Empty the jordan.
[Exit First Drawer.]--[Singing] "And was a worthy king."
How now, Mistress Doll!
“When Arthur was first in court"–empty the chamberpot.
“And was a worthy king."
How are you, Mistress Doll!
HOSTESS.
Sick of a calm; yea, good faith.
I can tell you she is a little ill.
FALSTAFF.
So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they are sick.
Like all her kind; they get sick when business is bad.
DOLL.
You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me?
You dirty rascal, is that all the comfort you're going to give me?
FALSTAFF.
You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.
You tempt us to become fat rascals, Mistress Doll.
DOLL.
I make them! gluttony and diseases make them; I make them not.
I tempt you! Gluttony and disease tempts you; I've got nothing to do with it.
FALSTAFF.
If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the diseases,
Doll: we catch of you, Doll, we catch of you; grant that, my poor
virtue, grant that.
The cook tempts us to gluttony, you help to spread the diseases,
Doll: we catch them from you, Doll, from you; admit that, you bad woman.
DOLL.
Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.
What you get from us, my pet, is our valuables.
FALSTAFF.
"Your brooches, pearls, and ouches:" for to serve bravely is to come
halting off, you know: to come off the breach with his pike bent
bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged chambers
bravely,--
Yes, broaches, pearls and sores. If you serve bravely you'll end up
with a limp, you know: you'll come away from the battle with your pike bent,
and have to see the surgeon; to attack the loaded barrels bravely–
DOLL.
Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!
Hang yourself, you dirty scoundrel, hang yourself!
HOSTESS.
By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never meet but you
fall to some discord: you are both, i' good truth, as rheumatic
as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with another's confirmities.
What the good-year! one must bear, and that must be you: you are the
weaker vessel, as as they say, the emptier vessel.
I swear, this is like the old days; you two never
meet without some argument. You are both as
hot and dry as toast; you grate on each other.
What the devil! One must do the carrying, and that must be you:
you are the weaker vessel, so they say, the emptier vessel.
DOLL.
Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? there's a whole
merchant's venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk
better stuffed in the hold. Come, I'll be friends with thee, Jack:
thou art going to the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee again or
no, there is nobody cares.
Could a weak empty vessel accommodate such a giant barrel?
There's a whole cargo of Bordeaux wine in him; you've never seen a ship
with a fuller hold. Come, I'll be friends with you, Jack:
you are going to the war; and whether I shall never see you again or
not, nobody cares.
[Re-enter First Drawer.]
FIRST DRAWER.
Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would speak with you.
Sir, ancient Pistol is downstairs, and wants to talk to you.
DOLL.
Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come hither: it is the
foul-mouthed'st rogue in England.
Hang him, the swaggering rascal! Don't let him in: he is the
most foul mouthed scoundrel in England.
HOSTESS.
If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my faith; I must live
among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers: I am in good name and fame
with the very best: shut the door; there comes no swaggerers here:
I have not lived all this while, to have swaggering now: shut the
door, I pray you.
If he swaggers, don't let him in: no, I swear; I must think
of my neighbours; I'll have no swaggerers: I have a good reputation
with the very best people: shut the door; we'll have no swaggerers here:
I have not lived all this time, to put up with swaggering now:
shut the door, please.
FALSTAFF.
Dost thou hear, hostess?
Did you hear that, hostess?
HOSTESS.
Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John: there comes no swaggerers here.
Please, calm yourself, Sir John: there will be no
swaggerers here.
FALSTAFF.
Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient.
Did you hear? It's my old friend.
HOSTESS.
Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me: your ancient swaggerer comes
not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick, the debuty, t'other day;
and, as he said to me, 'twas no longer ago than Wednesday last,
"I' good faith, neighbour Quickly," says he; Master Dumbe, our
minister, was by then; "neighbour Quickly," says he, "receive those
that are civil; for" said he "you are in an ill name:" now a' said
so, I can tell whereupon; "for," says he, "you are an honest woman,
and well thought on; therefore take heed what guests you receive:
receive," says he, "no swaggering companions." There comes none here:
you would bless you to hear what he said: no, I'll no swaggerers.
Fiddlesticks, Sir John, don't tell me: and your old
swaggerer, he's not coming in. I was up before
Master Tisick the magistrate the other day, and, as he said
to me–I swear, it was no longer ago than last
Wednesday–“Neighbour Quickly," he said–Master
Dumb was then our Minister–“Neighbour
Quickly" he said, “Welcome those who are polite, for"
he said, “you have a bad reputation"–and now I know why he said that,
it's for letting in people like you. “For," he said, “you are an honest
woman, and well thought of, so be careful
what sort of guests you admit; admit" he said, “no swaggering
fellows": none will come in here. You
would do well to hear what he said. No, I'll have no swaggerers.
FALSTAFF.
He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, i' faith; you may stroke
him as gently as a puppy greyhound: he'll not swagger with a Barbary
hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. Call
him up, drawer.
He's no swaggerer, hostess; a petty cheat, I swear; you can
play with him as gently as if he was a greyhound puppy: he will not swagger
with any bird, if her feathers rise up to show
any resistance. Call him up, barman.
[Exit First Drawer.]
HOSTESS.
Cheater, cal
l you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no
cheater: but I do not love swaggering, by my troth; I am the worse,
when one says swagger: feel, masters, how I shake; look you, I
warrant you.
You call him a cheat? I won't ban any honest man from my house, nor
any cheats: but I won't have any swaggering, I swear; it makes me ill,
when someone says swagger: feel how I shake, masters;
look at it, I'm telling you.
DOLL.
So you do, hostess.
You certainly are, hostess.
HOSTESS.
Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspen leaf: I
cannot abide swaggerers.
I certainly am aren't I? I shake like an aspen leaf: I
can't tolerate swaggerers.
[Enter Pistol, Bardolph, and Page.]
PISTOL.
God save you, Sir John!
God save you, Sir John!
FALSTAFF.
Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with
a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess.
Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I load you with
a glass of wine: now fire at my hostess.
PISTOL.
I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.
I shall let loose on her, Sir John, with two bullets.
FALSTAFF.
She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend her.
She can't be damaged by a pistol, Sir; you won't do her any harm.
HOSTESS.
Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets: I'll drink no
more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I.
Come, I won't have spirits or bullets: I won't drink
any more than is good for my health, not for any man.
PISTOL.
Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.
Then I'll turn my attention to you, Mistress Dorothy.
DOLL.
Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor,
base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy
rogue, away!
I am meat for your master.
Will you! I reject you, you rascally companion. What! You poor,
low, rascally, cheating, poverty stricken friend! Get away, you rotten rogue, get away!
I'm your master's business.
PISTOL.
I know you, Mistress Dorothy.
I know what you're like, Mistress Dorothy.
DOLL.
Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! by this wine,
I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play the saucy
cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale
juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God's light, with two
points on your shoulder? much!
Go away, you thieving rascal! Away with you, you filthy pickpocket! I swear by this wine,
if you start trying to get cheeky with me, I'll stick this knife
through your mouldy trousers. Go away, you cheap rascal!
You swashbuckling, out of date imposter! Since when have you
pretended to be a soldier, sir? All dressed up for battle? Well well!
PISTOL.
God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.
God won't let me live, if I don't tear off your ruff in punishment.
FALSTAFF.
No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here:
discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.
No more, Pistol; I don't want you to go off here:
leave us, Pistol.
HOSTESS.
No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.
No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.
DOLL.
Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not ashamed
to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would
truncheon you out, for taking their names upon you before you
have earned them. You a captain! you slave, for what? for tearing
a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain! hang him,
rogue! he lives upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A
captain! God's light, these villains will make the word as odious
as the word "occupy;" which was an excellent good word before it
was ill sorted: therefore captains had need look to't.
Captain! You horrible dammed cheat, aren't you ashamed
to be called captain? And if captains thought like me,
they would beat you out of the ranks with their truncheons,
for assuming their title before you have earned it.
You a captain? You slave! For what? For tearing at the ruff
of a poor whore in a brothel? Him a captain? Hang him, the rogue,
he lives on the leavings of the brothels. A
captain? By God, these villains will make the word
as horrible as the word “occupy", which was a perfectly
respectable word before these rude people got hold of it:
so captains had better sort him out.
BARDOLPH.
Pray thee, go down, good ancient.
Please, go downstairs, good fellow.
FALSTAFF.
Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
Come over here, Mistress Doll.
PISTOL.
Not I: I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear
her: I'll be revenged of her.
Not me: I tell you what, Corporal Bardolph, I could
tear at her: I'll have my revenge on her.
PAGE.
Pray thee go down.
Please go downstairs.
PISTOL.
I'll see her damned first; to Pluto's damned lake, by this
hand, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures vile also.
Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! down, faitors!
Have we not Hiren here?
I'll see her dammed first; I'll send her down to Pluto's lake
to the depths of hell, with Erebus and horrible tortures.
Keep steady, I say. Down with you, dogs! Down, rogues!
Haven't we any swords?
HOSTESS.
Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i' faith: I
beseek you now, aggravate your choler.
Good captain Pistol, be quiet; really, it's very late:
I beg you, calm your anger.
PISTOL.
These be good humours, indeed! Shall packhorses
And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia,
Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day,
Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals,
And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them with
King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.
Shall we fall foul for toys?
Well these are pretty goings-on, indeed!
Shall the mules and weak pampered nags of Asia,
which can't travel thirty miles in a day,
be compared with Caesar, cannibals
and Trojan Greeks? No, send them to hell with
King Cerberus; and let the shouts ring out.
Shall we argue over trifles?
HOSTESS.
By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.
I swear, captain, these are very bitter words.
BARDOLPH.
Be gone, good ancient: this will grow to a brawl anon.
Go away, good fellow: this will develop into a brawl soon.
PISTOL.
Die men like dogs! give crowns like pins! Have we not Hiren
here?
Let men die like dogs! Give away kingdoms like pins!
Haven't we any swords here?
HOSTESS.
O' my word, captain, there 's none such he
re. What the
good-year! do you think I would deny her? For God's sake, be
quiet.
I swear, captain, there are none here. What the
devil! Do you think I would betray her? For God's sake,
be quiet.
PISTOL.
Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
Come, give 's some sack.
"Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento."
Fear we broadsides? no, let the fiend give fire:
Give me some sack: and, sweetheart, lie thou there.
[Laying down his sword.]
Come we to full points here, and are etceteras nothing?
Then eat, and be fat, my lovely Calipolis.
Come, give me some sack.
If fortune torments me, hope contents me.
Are we afraid of cannon fire? No, let the Devil shoot:
give me some sack: and, sweetheart, you lie there.
[Laying down his sword]
Have we come to a stop here, nothing to follow?
FALSTAFF.
Pistol, I would be quiet.
Pistol, I want quiet.
PISTOL.
Sweet knight, I kiss thy neif: what! we have seen the seven
stars.
Sweet knight, I kiss your hand; what! We've had some times at night.
The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) Page 88
