I am very intent, however, on making sure the kids behave politely. Having good manners is part of treating people respectfully, and it’s also a skill that will help my kids get along in life. Good manners—that’s a make-or-break issue with me.
What I don’t include in the concept of behaving politely, though, is the idea that children should be seen and not heard. That really is an idea whose time has come and gone. According to old-school thinking there should be no back talk from the kids—but I think that teaches your kids not to have opinions. When my kids let me know they have an opinion, I want to hear it. I want them to feel that their point of view is important so that when they grow up, they have a voice and aren’t afraid to use it.
Of course, this does sometimes bite me in the ass! Ha-ha! Sophia is very opinionated and very strong in putting her opinion out there. I’ve told her that it’s great and her persistence will pay off someday. But sometimes when she’s being really persistent with me and just won’t let go, I say, “Please! Stop!”
And then she smiles and says, “But my persistence will come in handy someday, right?”
Yes, yes, she’s right.
I don’t want my kids to be people-pleasers—especially in a dating situation, when a boy might want to do something they’re not comfortable with. I still sometimes go back and forth between being a people-pleaser and having the courage of my own voice. When I was a kid, if I ever talked back to my mother, whoa, I was in trouble! So sometimes I do have the tendency to go along with things just because I don’t want to make trouble. And then other times, as I’m sure people would agree, I’m overly opinionated. Ha!
Kids should grow up being true to themselves, with their own viewpoints and the confidence to speak up. I insist that they be polite and civil in expressing themselves, but they should also know that their parents are willing to hear them out even if they disagree. Once they share their thoughts, then you can discuss it. If they’re wrong, fine, you’re the parent, so you call the shots. But I think my kids are much more open with me because I let them air their opinions.
For example, I’ve said to Alexia on occasion, “You shouldn’t have done that.”
And she’s said back to me, “Hmm. You know what, you’re right. I shouldn’t have.” Wow! I never would have said that to my mom. I’m so happy I have that relationship with my daughter.
It goes back to building confidence, and you know how strongly I feel about that!
One of the most effective things you can use to build confidence is positive reinforcement. It’s essential.
When Farrah was little, I knew she was smart. I didn’t know if she was going to be a genius or not, but I made her feel like she was a genius! With every little thing she did, I made it a priority to praise her. You’re so smart, you’re so this, you’re so that. And then, guess what? She turned out to be all those good things. Ha!
I’m not suggesting you bullshit your kids. If your child can’t sing, don’t tell her she’s the next Christina Aguilera. But find out what her good qualities are and really focus on those. I don’t believe you can ever go overboard reinforcing the positives in children. For example, Alexia is a great photographer, and I’ve really encouraged her with that, and she’s steadily gained more and more confidence—and her pictures are getting more and more impressive! And with Sophia, I give her positive reinforcement about her advanced math ability and her talent with sports.
But I’m also not suggesting that it’s never necessary to be strong with your children in ways they may not like. It’s natural to want to be friends with our kids. I want my kids to love me and think I’m fun and cool, and yet I also have to be the one to put my foot down sometimes. I’ve seen some parents who want so much for their kids to like them that they miss the boat on establishing the boundaries and rules that they need. Your children probably don’t realize it, but they do need a structure, a framework they can understand about what’s right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. They actually crave boundaries, because it gives them a sense of security. It frees them to explore and learn on their own from a place where they feel safe.
I am not above using scare tactics with my kids. Ha-ha! Trying to teach Portia to brush her teeth, for example, of course I tell her, “Go brush your teeth!” Repeatedly. You can tell her to do it and lead her to the bathroom to do it, but sometimes you need a little something extra to really drive the lesson home. So when the message didn’t seem to be getting through to Portia, I sat down at the computer and put her in my lap, and found pictures online of people who had rotten teeth! Totally disgusting mouths! “See this?” I said. “This is a picture of someone who didn’t brush their teeth!” Ha-ha! My mother used to do those kinds of things with me. When their health and well-being is at stake, pull out the stops.
I have to admit, though, I’ve used scare tactics in less-than-life-threatening situations too. When my older girls were little and we were out and about, sometimes we’d see a homeless person on the street. They’d ask me, “Why is he living there, Mommy?”
I’d say, “Honey, he didn’t go to college. That’s what happens when you don’t go to college!” Ha-ha!
For all this talk about teaching your kids lessons and instilling values, there is also something to be said for just letting kids be. Children should be allowed to be children, with time to simply enjoy themselves.
I do not understand why schools give kids so much homework these days. My daughters are not sleeping the hours they should because they’re up until midnight doing homework. And then they have to get up at 6:30 A.M. to get ready for school on time.
Why does a child have to go to school so early in the morning, work all day, and come home and work all night? Isn’t there enough opportunity for learning in the day? Hello! They’re kids. Can’t they come home and enjoy being kids? No wonder they grow up so fast. They’re made to act like adults.
I would give anything for the homework to ease up, and I know some other parents feel the same way I do. I’ve even heard of communities that have started making their schools reel it in. I say we should all speak up about this and try to get school officials in our own communities to come to their senses. Down with homework!
We put so much on kids these days, so much pressure to perform and participate. Some moms can hardly wait to tell you all the things their kids are involved in. “Oh, you know, Timmy’s got soccer, and guitar, and math club,” and on and on—it’s just exhausting! They need to have time to go outside and just get on their bikes and be kids.
Which reminds me, I’ll be so glad when the kids’ sports season is over, although it seems like when one ends, another begins. Sophia plays tennis, and both Alexia and Sophia play volleyball, soccer, and basketball, though they usually have to choose between volleyball and soccer. That’s pretty much right at the line of what I feel is acceptable. I feel really, really strongly about this: kids shouldn’t be over-scheduled or over-stimulated. I don’t want my kids on the computer all the time; I want them to have plenty of time and space with nothing to do but find their own interests. Read a book. Go outside and play. Set up a lemonade stand and be a kid!
And let’s face it, you have to consider all the running around moms have to do too. When each of your children have umpteen activities on their roster and you have to drive them back and forth to each one, that can be tremendously time-consuming. And you’re already time-crunched!
* * *
My Crazy Life
Monday, 6:20 A.M.
This is the most peaceful time of my day. The only peaceful time of my day!
I’m a morning person, and every day I wake up at 6:00 A.M. while the rest of the house is still asleep. I come downstairs and make myself coffee—half caf, half decaf, Starbucks Verona, two cups, with one packet of Splenda, one teaspoon of sugar, and a huge amount of Coffee-mate. Yes, even though people make fun of me all the time, it has to be Coffee-mate; don’t even try to give me cream, because that powder just takes coffee to a whole ne
w level! Then I read the newspaper, and it’s such wonderful, luxurious “me” time. Honestly, having my coffee is the most exciting thing that could ever happen to me in the morning. It’s the only time to myself that I ever get.
Oh, I am so tired. Hey, where are my glasses? Oh my God, they’re on top of my head. See how tired I am?
Anyway, Monday is usually my day off, though lately the show’s producers have been trying to squeeze me in on Mondays too. Sunday is also supposed to be a day off, but we filmed yesterday and then last night Mauricio and I took two of our girls to a concert, and they each got to bring a friend, and we got home at midnight.
This morning I need to make my girls’ lunches and snacks and then drive them to school, but I also have to talk to a bunch of people by phone about what I’m going to wear when we film. I have a meeting here at the house at 10:00 and a spray tan at 11:30, then there’s another meeting at noon. I take my daughter to soccer at 3:00 and have to film at 6:00 P.M. So my day is like boom, boom, boom. I don’t even have time to meet a friend for ten minutes at Starbucks.
The other day they were filming a dinner party at the house, so I had a chef come in at 9:30 in the morning, the crew arrived at 11:30, and it wasn’t until midnight that my workday finally ended, when everyone went home. At least work was here at my house that day, because when you travel, they film you practically every single second. If you’re lucky they say, “Okay, we’re powering down. You can go upstairs and take forty minutes for yourself but then you’re due back down here for dinner.”
I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had a chance to work out in a long time. I don’t think I’ll have time today. Well, maybe twenty minutes on the treadmill after I finish the newspaper.
In any case, I think you have to make some kind of time for yourself if you want to be effective as a mom. Give yourself a time-out.
* * *
* * *
Professional Mom
Sometimes I do consider myself a pro in the mom department. Not that I know everything, but I have some tricks up my sleeve. First, though, I’ll tell you my number one imperative about mothering: follow your instincts. Do what you believe is best and what works for you. Forget about being politically correct or doing what so-and-so insists is the best way to go. Now, on to the tips!
• Baby’s Nails: Some of my friends have told me, “Oh my God, I’m so scared to cut my newborn baby’s nails with the clipper or the scissors. I don’t want to hurt them!” You know what? I just bite them off! At that age the nails are paper thin, and they just peel right away.
• Eye infections: Newborns are very prone to eye infections. There’s a very simple way to take care of them that my doctor told me about. Just express a few drops of your breast milk and put it in their eyes. Just like that and the infection is gone!
• Potty training: I strongly advise you to do potty training in the summer. I let my kids run around naked in the backyard. If they’re naked and they start to pee, they don’t like the feeling of it running down their leg so they’ll immediately stop, and that’s when I grab them and rush them off to the toilet.
• Time-Outs: Speaking of potty training, accidents will happen—sometimes long after they seemed to get the hang of it. Ha! I don’t believe in ever punishing my child for an accident, whether it’s peeing on the floor or spilling juice. Why would you do that?
Now if they’ve done something wrong deliberately, maybe having been mean to another child, then I will send them for a time-out. But the time-outs shouldn’t be longer than one minute per year of age. So if your child is ten, she gets ten minutes, and Portia at three years old would get three. If calculating it this way seems too lenient, please remember how children perceive time. Ten minutes is a long time to a kid! I ask my child where they want to go for their time-out to sit and think. I don’t insist that it be their room because I don’t want them to associate their room with punishment. And then afterward, I just move on. I don’t harangue my child with, “Well, what did you learn? Are you ever going to do that again?”
• Breast Versus Bottle Versus Cup: These days there is so much pressure on parents to go by the book of what’s accepted socially. For example, a kid is supposed to nurse until they’re a year old and then go straight to a plastic cup. Well, I don’t believe in that. I think it’s a much more comfortable transition if the child goes from breast to bottle for awhile before he takes on a cup. If that makes your child happy and secure, why not? And I think a child is more likely to get all the water and nourishment she needs that way as opposed to drinking from a cup, which she might abandon after a few sips.
• Sleep: Again, I don’t care what Little Timmy does, as in, “Oh, you know, Little Timmy was drinking from a plastic cup and sleeping in his own bed at six months old.” I don’t care about Little Timmy. I do what works for me! Ha! I’ll probably catch a lot of flak for this, but I’m a big believer in letting your kids sleep with you. And so is my husband, thank God. I think the prevailing wisdom is they have to be sleeping in their own bed at six months. But we are perfectly happy having them in bed with us until much, much older. Not every night! But if they’re scared or just want extra cuddling. People say, “How could you?” But what about cavemen times? I bet Little Timmy slept beside his parents then! When my children were babies, I actually let them sleep on my chest for many months, or I’d lie down with them and then go back to our bed later on. I don’t let them cry forever alone in their beds. I would rather they feel safe. And Mauricio and I are fine with having the kids in our bed—on some nights, not all—until they don’t want to anymore. I’ll come right out and say it—Alexia sometimes slept in our bed until she was about eight, and Sophia at eleven still does. I’ve even seen Mauricio creep out of bed sometimes and go get Portia after she’s gone to sleep and bring her in with us. Who wouldn’t want a soft chubby little arm around them while they sleep? I tell you, I have at times woken up to see my husband hanging off the bed, with his feet at the head of the bed, a dog on his pillow, three kids under the covers, and another dog somewhere in the mix. I believe they call it “the family bed”! We’ve thought about getting a bed custom-designed to accommodate us. Ha!
Let me issue one caution, though. When a child is very, very small, you don’t ever want to run the risk of rolling over onto them. I actually slept halfway sitting up with my kids after they were born, and I usually slept half-awake anyway, as I know many mothers of newborns do. It’s not a good idea to have your child in bed with you if you’re a heavy sleeper or if you’ve had a couple of drinks. They do, however, make little tiny mattresses with frames now that you can put in bed with you to hold the baby. They’re low but high enough that you can’t roll over them.
• Multiple children: When you have more than one child, I believe it’s very important to ensure each child gets some totally one-on-one time with you. I will ask my husband to take care of the other kids so that Alexia and I can spend the day together, for example. The other day I took Portia to the carousel and to California Pizza Kitchen, and then we had our nails painted together.
• Teenagers: When a child hits the age of thirteen, that’s about when the divide starts—you know, when they can very easily start to pull away from you. That’s when I start paying extra attention. Some parents think, Oh, they’re teenagers now; they don’t need so much attention, but I believe it’s just the opposite. I stay on top of it and concentrate on maintaining the closeness of our relationship, not in a smothering way, but in an open, loving way. I do it for both our sakes! It helps your child navigate the tough years knowing you’re there for them. I was so happy the other night when we were at a kid’s party and Alexia and her friends were taking pictures and Alexia said, “Wait, I want my mom in the picture!”
• The Sex Talk: It is not always fun and comfortable to talk to your kids about sex. Actually, it’s never fun and comfortable! With Farrah, I bought some old books from my day that broached the subject in a kind of funny way. And she and her friends
were able to giggle about it but still absorb some of the lessons. I’ll tell you what I’ve found, though. The very best place to have the sex talk is in the car while you’re driving! Look, it’s embarrassing for both of you, and the more uncomfortable you feel, the more uncomfortable your child will be too. In the car, you minimize eye contact, which lets you both off the hook a little in terms of the discomfort. You turn to the child and look briefly at her but keep your eyes mostly on the road! Believe me, it saves a lot of embarrassment for both of you. Ha! Some of you may prefer the sit-down eye-to-eye talk. Whatever works!!
• Curfew: Farrah had a strict curfew, 11:00 P.M. until she was in her senior year of high school, and midnight right before she went to college. People would say, “Are you kidding?” But Farrah didn’t mind. She never once asked if we’d make it a later curfew. Sure, she’d call us and ask to stay out later, and we’d consider it on a case-by-case basis. But she never really made a huge fuss in general because I think it made her feel secure. Kids like structure and rules because they provide a sense of safety. Remember that when you’re feeling like a mean mom enforcing your rules. Your children depend on you for drawing boundaries that actually let them feel confident and free.
* * *
Oh right—time-crunched. Here I’ve been telling you all about The Tao of Child-Rearing According to Kyle, but I haven’t yet answered the original question! Ha-ha! The juggling question—how to do it all?
Well, lately it’s been pretty hard for me to juggle, I confess. The way it goes around our house is this: I try to get up early in the morning so I can have time for some coffee and the newspaper. But as soon as I hear, “Mom!” I know one of my kids is awake, and I think, No, no, not yet! Because once they’re up, that’s it for me for the rest of the day. If I jump into the shower, then one of the kids usually jumps in there with me, and … it goes from there. Sophia and Alexia used to, and now Portia likes to. We had an open shower at our old house, with no doors, so whenever I was in there, people would just wander in and start talking to me. The dogs would be in there too, staring at me. I was like, “Oh my God, can’t I shower alone for five minutes?”
Life Is Not a Reality Show Page 10
