Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he faced her and scrubbed at his tired eyes while she watched him, frightened and anxious. “Leisha, my dearest love, you’re not mad and you’re not broken. I promise. You’re just incredibly stubborn. How long have you been thinking like this?”
She frowned, looking sad and offended, not expecting that reaction from him. “Since the morning after you rescued me.”
Zaraki let himself laugh quietly then took her hands in his, running his thumbs over her tops of her fingers. “You experienced an appalling trauma. You were kidnapped, drugged, rescued. Then, because you needed help and didn’t return immediately to your normal, pig-headed self, you decided you’d gone mad? And you persisted in thinking it for over a week before admitting it to me? I’ll be honest, this all sounds shockingly normal for you,” he said, thinking of the day before their wedding and another tearful confession.
As she snatched her hands back, a wounded look, full of betrayal, crossed her face. His words felt like a slap, mocking her pain and suffering. Worse, Zaraki watched her now, waiting to see what she would do. Leisha opened her mouth and closed it several times, trying to snap a response at him, wanting to retaliate with her own cruel, barbed words. Then, a moment of clarity drove the clouds from her mind. She clamped her lips shut, but not before a lovely sound, something akin to a laugh, bubbled out.
It did sound ridiculous when he said it that way.
Zaraki brushed hair back from her face, seeing his words reach her finally. “Why would you think you were mad?”
“Because I can’t stop crying,” she said, her voice tinged in grief. If this was not madness, it still ruled over her. “I can’t stop thinking about it, remembering it. I can’t stop the fear when it takes me. The nightmares.”
“I had nightmares about my family until I was twenty. Until I found you,” he said, thinking of all the sleepless nights. “And do you know what Ani told me a few days ago? That after they found me in Ostrava I didn’t speak a word for three months. She said all I did was hide under tables and in closets, crying.”
“Oh.” Leisha felt foolish as some part of her saw the power she had given over to her fear. She had treated it as some external foe, out of her control, rather than just emotions to be kept in check. And she knew how to master her emotions, to keep them from ruling her. Because as a girl, hers often did run wild.
“You’re still learning how to deal with this trauma. You’re not mad,” he said, taking her by the shoulders. “You’re not. And even if you were mad, I would never abandon you. Never. I know you worried about it.”
Her head nodded in a painful admission.
“I love you. I’ve told you nothing would change that. Go on and look,” he said, smiling and tapping at his forehead. “You’ll see the truth.”
She thought how she missed the familiar touch and feel of his mind. Tired of running from every shadow, she forced herself to listen to his thoughts again though she feared what lay hidden there. Of course, she found nothing but love.
“I believe you,” she said, feeling hopeful for the first time in days, knowing he would not discard her, knowing she invented the madness and gave it a home.
“I promise this will get better. I’ll be here with you.” Pulling her close, Zaraki brushed his lips over hers. He meant it to be chaste, just to reassure her.
Spark.
Leisha jumped and caught her breath when she felt it. The smallest jolt. A dim, distant reminder of the fire that burned whenever he touched her. The fire she feared she might never feel again.
He pulled back, afraid he had pushed too far.
But no. Behind the fingers she raised in front of her mouth, a small smile started to bloom. He saw wonder in her eyes. Reaching out, he moved her hand away and ran his fingers across her lips.
Spark.
A tiny hint of fire hid under all the fear and sadness threatening to consume her. She tried to capture it, but it remained elusive, fluttering just beyond her reach.
Deliberately, Zaraki ran his hand down her jaw and across her chin, even when she jerked her head back. “No. You’re still alive. Don’t give them this,” he told her, refusing to stop.
At first, she wanted to push the hand away and tell him not to order her about. She would decide when and where she allowed someone to touch her. His fingers continued to trace a line just under her lips and then his words reached her. You’re still alive.
She opened her mind to read the thoughts swirling around them and saw what he had done for her. Like clouds parting, she saw Lukas and Lorant would never threaten her again. When she leaned towards him, Zaraki held her face in his hands and kissed the corners of her mouth.
Spark.
This time, it felt like a lightning strike. For days, Leisha had huddled in this room, yearning to feel more—to feel anything other than the ocean of fear sweeping her out to sea, time and time again. Now, she saw a way to swim to shore, and she clutched at the lifeline he held for her, refusing to acknowledge any of the lingering fear.
She could feel her pulse pounding under his fingers as he took her face in his hands. Zaraki bent his head near to her again and kissed her. Then she felt his tongue in her mouth.
Fire.
The embers Leisha had tended with such care roared to life, becoming a conflagration. Heat and flames raced down her limbs. The fire scoured her mind, leaving no room for anything but this moment and this man she loved. When he tried to raise his head, she twisted her fingers in his hair and pulled his mouth down to her. A month. It had been nearly a month since she kissed him like this.
“You don’t seem broken or mad to me,” he teased when she let go. He loved the look on her face. The tense, tight expression of the past week had vanished, and her beautiful, dark eyes watched him, filled with anticipation.
He began gathering her shift at one knee and then slipped his hand underneath. Skimming his hand up her thigh, he dared her to be brave, to remember who she was.
“Should I stop?”
He felt the sharp staccato of her thoughts invading his.
Do not stop.
With the shift bunched around her hips, he reached out to untie the ribbon at her neck. Tracing her collarbone, he felt her shiver and she sat forward, pulling her nightclothes over her head. His breath caught as he lay down next to her.
Zaraki wanted far more, but the moment seemed so delicate.
As he leaned forward to kiss her again, her lips parted, demanding and insistent while her arms twined around his neck. When she let him go, he watched as her eyes closed. Letting his hand wander through her black hair, he whispered in her ear, “I love you. Nothing in this world matters if you’re not with me.”
He kissed the hollow of her throat, then the valley between her breasts, and Leisha felt herself gasp and jump. Weeks of trauma ebbed away, fading from memory. Just as on their first night together, the world retreated as his fingers glided over her skin, his hands leaving a trail for his lips to follow. Lightning coursed through her as he roamed over her body, and she tensed as he pressed his lips below her navel and on the bones of her hips.
Reaching out, Leisha felt his joy at this act as his mouth left fire in its wake. Then he parted her legs and she felt his fingers inside her.
“I love you,” he said once more before lowering his head to kiss one thigh and then the other.
Zaraki always knew exactly what pleased her, and in his mind, she saw memories of them together. Their first night, the antique table in her father’s study, the stables here at Cheylm—he remembered them all and raised them up to her like offerings. Leisha gave herself over to him, lost in the pleasure of his fingers and his mouth. Her hands dug at the covers on the bed as she writhed and moaned. “Please, please don’t stop,” she begged, her cries growing loud and wild as she took back something Lukas and Lorant had tried to steal from her.
When her climax passed, he lay down next to her and she rolled towards him. A sunny smile bloomed across her face,
and his heart leapt, seeing something so perfect and genuine again. “How do you feel now?” he asked as she settled against his shoulder and he drew a cover over her.
“Like myself again,” Leisha panted, her voice full of wonder and surprise. Her eyes closed and she threw a leg over his, pulling herself tight against his side. She lay there, marveling at feeling unfettered, unbridled for the first time in weeks. The euphoria of the moment banished her dread. It would return, she knew, but for the moment, this feeling gave her some breathing room.
Stroking her back, Zaraki tried to keep his mind off his lovely, naked wife. He let himself relax and nod off, happy to have her present again and thinking he would count this a good day.
When he felt her hand move down his chest and under his tunic, he opened his eyes and found her watching him. As she traced patterns on his skin with her fingers, he shivered, thinking it must be a dream. Then her hand unfastened the buttons on his trousers and he swallowed. “Are you sure?” It felt blasphemous even to ask.
“I want to be back to normal,” Leisha said. “In every way. It’s still there, in the back of my mind, and it will return. But right now, I feel free of it.”
“You’ll tell me if it comes back? Or if you’re not ready for something?”
She saw it in his mind. He wanted to erase this month of worry and horror as much as she did. He craved normalcy again. “I promise. Now, come make love to me. We have weeks to make up for.”
Sitting up, Leisha helped him pull his shirt off over his head. She loved his broad chest with all its scars, loved the warmth and smell of his skin. As her hands roamed over the familiar landscape, the sparks began to smolder again. Why did I wait so long? Why did I give it so much power over me?
“Off,” she commanded, tugging at the waist of his trousers. When he shifted to pull them down, she felt a rush of desire.
“Easily done, my lady.” He drew her close and they lay facing each other, his arms around her, reveling in the feel of her naked body on his. It felt like an eternity since they had last done this. He drew his fingertips over her lips and when he brushed over her chin, she did not pull back.
Instead, she kissed him, wanting to recapture the taste of his mouth and the feel of his lips on hers. Running her hand over his back and down his arm, she tried to fix the feel of him in her mind again.
“You need a haircut,” she teased, sweeping one hand through his golden hair. He always needed a haircut.
Running a hand over his face, he said, “And to shave.”
“It’s starting to look like a beard. I rather like it.” Something tugged at her memory, but it would wait.
Zaraki propped himself up on one elbow and traced a line from her shoulder to thigh. It felt almost like their first night together, and rediscovering her made him ridiculously happy. “You’re so beautiful.” He left a trail of kisses from her shoulder to behind one ear. “I loved tasting you again,” he whispered.
She shivered and felt it again—a spark bursting into flames. Only this time, she burned with anger. How dare they? How dare they try to steal this from me? The thought of never experiencing this yearning, this desire again, threatened to overwhelm her. “Enough waiting,” she gasped, her eyes wide.
Feeling her pull at him with eager, impatient hands, Zaraki’s best intentions went up in smoke and he wanted more. He did not want to be gentle or to go slow. He did not want to worry about her or think how to help her. Her body offered respite, an oasis after a month of desperate uncertainty. She was here with him now, and he hungered for her.
Leisha could feel his longing, his breath coming faster, his hand tightening on her waist. From the crown of his head to the tips of his toes, he craved her. His desire filled all the spaces in her mind, and she could feel his need, hot and hard.
Yes, she whispered to him, answering his unspoken question. Let go and take me.
All his perfect restraint slipped, cast aside, unwanted and unneeded here. In one motion, he rolled over her, pausing only to take in the sight of her body under his. Then his mouth captured hers and he buried himself inside her. It was glorious, primal and instinctive.
“It’s been too long,” he gasped out, exalting in every inch. “I’ve missed you so much.”
As his need consumed him with a ferocious, greedy fire, Leisha let the flames take her as well.
***
When Zaraki did not come downstairs for lunch as promised, Aniska volunteered to check on him. Andelko still needed help with the letters, and Symon had questions about some expense or another. She looked in the rooms that had become his favorite hiding place, spots he fled to when he needed time alone. All empty. Capar had no visitor, and no one could remember seeing Zaraki in the courtyard anyway.
She decided to wander past the rooms he shared with Leisha, realizing she had not checked on her today either. Balancing the need to watch over her with her obvious desire for privacy, Ani tried not to listen at their door too often. At different times, she heard weeping inside, or frantic pacing as her friend wrestled with an unknown terror.
This time, she came back down with a smile on her lips and a faint blush across her cheeks. Not for the first time, she heard more than she intended. “Symon, we should have the kitchen send food up to their rooms.”
“Is everything all right?” Andelko asked, concerned. While he hated that Leisha had shut herself away, he understood her inclination to do so. But, despite all the worry and trauma, Zaraki had been very conscientious with how he divided his time.
Ani blushed again, never quite sure how to explain she could hear all sorts of things behind closed doors. She had always been able to. “Yes, it sounds like everything is fine. We should table our discussion until tonight. Or probably tomorrow, knowing those two.”
“Of course,” the old man said, smiling happily.
“Oh,” Andelko crowed, finally understanding. The king and queen’s appetite for each other was legendary. If that had returned, then all would soon be right with the world again. “Then you’re both coming back to my room for drinks.”
Fire
Zaraki knew he should have gone downstairs, at least to assure everyone they were both still alive. He needed to go downstairs and finish work, but all morning, Leisha refused both, saying the work belonged to her again. When lunch passed and he felt guilty for not helping Andelko as he promised, she said, “Ani knows we’re fine and she had food left outside the door.” Then she ordered him to get the trays, eat the damn food and make her forget last month. He happily complied several times.
Dinner arrived the same way, and he watched as Leisha devoured everything without him prompting her to. The simple act of her eating made him so happy.
Exhausted and satisfied, they both collapsed and slept, limbs tangled together. If Leisha dreamt at all, the nightmares had no hope of waking her.
First thing in the morning, though, the fear returned like a hammer blow. She bolted from their bed and stood there shaking, her hand clenched into fists.
“No,” Zaraki said, drawing her down into his lap. “Stay with me.”
This time, Leisha remembered no secrets lay between them now. He did not see madness in her and he loved and treasured her still. She brushed over his thoughts, felt his fear she would withdraw again. Forcing herself to breathe and be present, she refused to lose herself this time and began prodding at her terror. She showed no mercy as she dissected it, prizing out its secrets.
Leisha saw how she allowed what happened in Embriel to trap her in an endless cycle. She so hated the attacks it caused her to shy away from them, eventually coming to fear them more than what Lukas did. Fear begat fear until Zaraki forced her to confront it. While she had reason to fear what Gerolt promised to do to her, these episodes were pale, impotent shadows, leftover remnants of what happened in Embriel. They could not hurt her and held no power.
When it passed, she looked up at him with relief written across her face. “I did it.”
Another smile
appeared, and Zaraki thought he might weep seeing it.
“Thank you for not thinking me mad. And thank you for being patient with me,” she said as he hugged her. “I’d like to put on real clothes again today. I’m sick of wearing nightclothes all the time.”
Zaraki eyed the green dress laying crumpled on the lid of one of their trunks and thought it looked too plain for such an auspicious occasion. Together they dug through a chest for the perfect gown. “Purple today,” he declared, pulling out a velvet dress edged in silver. “But underthings first.”
As Leisha tugged the plain shift down over her head, she felt his lips on her neck, his hands around her waist, and it lit a fire in her again. Eyes closed, she leaned into him. “Food, then more of that,” she said, her voice full of regret, and turned to step into the purple gown.
His hands moved up her back, lacing and tying off the silver ribbons holding the dress closed. Reaching for his own discarded clothes, he said, “I’ll go ask for breakfast to be sent up.”
As she pulled the carved comb through her hair, Leisha looked around this small bedroom and realized it no longer sheltered her. Time made it a prison cell, granting her the illusion of safety, but only if she never left. It irritated her now, thinking how she allowed Lukas to keep her captive in her own castle. “No, I’ll come down if you’ll stay with me.”
Zaraki watched her for a moment, unsure if he heard her right. Then he smiled. “I’ll be with you the whole time, I promise. Everyone would love to see you.” They left their rooms together for the first time in over a month.
As they entered the hall, heads turned to them. Servants stopped to see and across the room, two of her maids gasped and pointed. Rushing to be the first to greet her, Symon caught them in the middle of the room and embraced her in front of everyone. “My darling girl, are you hungry?” He smiled at Zaraki, who nodded, trying to convey that yes, things were better.
As Dragons from Sleep (The Tahaerin Chronicles Book 2) Page 30
