by Beth Merlin
When things ended with Joshua, I’d tried to lose myself with different men, hoping one would help me forget him. Instead, they made me miss him more as I compared each touch to his and each moment to the ones I’d spent with him.
Now, with Perry—incredibly—it was different. It was like, with one kiss, Joshua faded from my mind. I wasn’t thinking about anything other than Perry’s perfectly full lips as they brushed over my own. He became more confident, kissing me more forcefully. And I was responsive to all of it. When he lifted up my shirt, I let him. When he pulled off his own, I helped him.
He cleared the top of my sewing table and lay me down on it, then kissed down my collarbone and buried himself in the crook of my neck. Over the last year, I hadn’t trusted anyone, including myself. I wasn’t sure what had changed or why, but it felt right to let go. Right as we were on the brink of moving one step closer to something we either fervently needed or would ardently regret, I heard a girl’s voice calling my name.
“Oh, shit,” I said, pushing away from him to snatch my shirt off the floor. “That’s Hannah.”
“Who?”
“Hannah. Hannah, the girl playing Hodel in the show.”
Perry rolled off the table and quickly got dressed. Just as we both finished getting on the last of our clothing, Hannah walked in.
“Hi, Gigi. I thought you could finish measuring me for the second act dress? Oh, hi, Perry.” She blushed seeing him standing there.
“Let me just finish taking the last of Perry’s measurements,” I said, flustered.
He cleared his throat. “That’s okay, I’ll wait,” he said.
I went to pull the tape measure out of my apron, which was now under the sewing table. “Sorry, give me one second.” I bent down and picked it up off the floor, then tied it back around my waist and pulled the tape measure out from inside the pocket. As quickly as I could, I took all of Hannah’s measurements, spinning her back and forth so forcefully, she told me I was making her dizzy.
“Geez, Gigi, what’s the hurry?” she questioned.
Once I finished with Hannah, Perry and I found ourselves alone again. I approached him, anxious to pick up where we’d been interrupted. I started to lift my shirt off when he reached over to pull it back down.
“Don’t worry, nobody else is coming by tonight. She was the only other person I asked to come get measured,” I said, moving toward him.
“It isn’t that. I just don’t think this is a good idea,” he said.
I was taken aback. “But it was a good idea ten minutes ago?”
“No. It was an impulsive mistake. I can’t do this with you. I’m sorry.” He reached over to place his hand on my arm.
“Don’t touch me,” I said, pushing him away.
He’d humiliated me for the last time. I’d revealed parts of myself I hadn’t disclosed to anyone. I thought we were two people circling the possibility of there being something real between us, only to find we were still just two strangers staring at each other. “I’m sure you must be very happy. Now you have the confirmation that you were right about me all along. I’m broken and pampered and running away. Is that what you wanted to hear? Guess I don’t deserve the perfect Perry Gillman, huh?”
“I’m far from perfect, Gigi,” he said.
I took out the tape measure. “Let me finish taking these measurements and you’ll be free to go.”
We stood in silence while I finished. Once I had everything I needed, I moved to the sewing table to write it all down. Perry came put his hands on my shoulders and started massaging them. He leaned in close and whispered in my ear, “You just remind me so much of someone it hurts.”
I spun around to face him. “Yeah, well, right back at you,” I spat.
Then, before he could see the tears beginning to spring to my eyes, I pushed past him and ran out the door. Perry came running after me, shouting my name, but I never looked back.
Chapter Fourteen
After the night in the arts and crafts cabin, Perry and I did our best to avoid one another. All my girls picked up on it, and, of course, the rumors about us spread like wildfire from there. The campers assumed we must have had some sort of romantic falling out, and we became the infamous counselor couple that everyone loved to gossip about. Jordana told me we were notorious and they’d even taken to referring to us as “Gerry,” a combination of Gigi and Perry. Parents’ Weekend was just around the corner, and although it would mean a ton of work for me, I was looking forward to anything that might take the campers’ attention off.
The night before Parents’ Weekend, there was no planned evening activity so the campers could finish cleaning up the bunks. After dinner, the girls did a sweep of the grounds, and then I went to each of the Cedar cabins for inspections. When I got back to Bunk Fourteen, Jordana was in the center of the room rattling off orders like a drill sergeant, so I went to my area to straighten up my cubbies. I was refolding clothes when Perry knocked on the open door of the bunk. The girls shrieked at his mere presence.
“Good evening, ladies,” he said in his smooth British accent. The girls were completely awestruck. “Might I have a word with Gigi?” he asked, looking around.
“I’m here,” I said, standing up from underneath a pile of clothes.
He motioned his head toward the front door. “Outside?”
I followed him to the porch where we stood in uncomfortable silence until he finally spoke. “You have something stuck to your person,” he said, pointing to my shorts.
I looked down and saw a pair of my skimpier underwear clinging to me. “Static,” I said, balling them up and shoving them into my pocket. “So, what do you want?”
He was fidgeting and pacing like he needed to get something off his chest. It was the first time I’d ever seen him look nervous. He was always so self-assured, so confident. I was determined not to be the one to speak next. As he opened his mouth to say something, I heard my name being called from behind us.
“Who’s that?” Perry asked.
I squinted and made out the faint outline of a woman walking toward us. It wasn’t until she was closer that I saw the glow of her unmistakable Chanel-red lips in the moonlight.
“That is my mother,” I said, shaking my head.
“Your mother?” he said, surprised.
“What’d you think, I was raised by wolves?”
He held up his hands. “You said it, not me.”
I rushed down the stairs to meet her. Perry followed closely behind. “Mom, what are you doing here?”
“Is that how you greet me? It’s Parents’ Weekend, isn’t it?” She leaned in for a hug.
“For the campers. Even when I actually was a camper, you hated coming up here. Plus, it doesn’t start ‘til tomorrow morning.”
The whole time I was speaking, her eyes were locked on Perry. I could tell she was trying to work out what kind of a conversation she’d just interrupted.
“And you are?” she asked, extending a well-manicured hand toward him.
“I’m Perry Gillman. I work with Georgica.”
“What a lovely accent. What part of England are you from?”
She was really laying it on thick. Perry caught me mid-eye roll but continued to be his usual charming self.
“I have a flat in Kensington now, but I grew up in Oxshott. It’s a smaller village in Surrey,” he said.
My mother looked pleased with his pedigree. “I know it well—some beautiful homes there. And where did you attend University?”
“Mom, what’s with the inquisition? I’m sure Perry has things he has to do.”
“It’s fine. I went to Cambridge and am now working on my DPhil in music composition at Oxford.”
“DPhil?”
“A Doctor of Philosophy degree. What you call a PhD.”
She was outwardly impressed. “You know, Gigi was accepted to several Ivy League law schools.”
I chimed in before she could rattle off the rest of my resume. “Yes, and now Gigi
is a summer camp counselor. I’m sure Perry finds this all very fascinating, but it’s late, and I have to finish getting the girls ready for tomorrow and then sit OD.”
“Yes, excuse me, Mrs. Goldstein, but I need to get back to my post as well,” Perry said politely.
“Well, he certainly was charming,” my mother said after he was out of earshot.
“I hadn’t noticed,” I muttered under my breath. “Mom, what are you really doing here? Where’s Dad?”
“Your father stayed in the city this weekend, and I felt like getting away for a bit,” she answered.
“So you decided to take a three-hour drive to the middle of nowhere?”
“Not to the ‘middle of nowhere.’ To see you. I thought it might be nice to visit my only child. I don’t know why you find this so shocking?”
She looked genuinely hurt by my less-than-warm reception. I softened my approach. “I’m sorry. It’s nice to see you, only I’m working tonight. Are you staying in town? Can you come back tomorrow for a few hours?”
“I’m staying at the Stanton Inn. I took a room through the weekend. I have a massage booked for the morning.”
“The campers are performing a few scenes from the summer musical at the amphitheater, but I should be finished around two.”
She smiled. “Let me guess, Fiddler on the Roof?”
“You’d think Gordy would pay for the rights to some other show by now, but I’m doing my best to help raise the bar. I designed and made all the costumes.”
“That’s nice,” she said dismissively. “Walk me out?”
I walked my mother back to her car and told her I’d make some time for us to visit the next afternoon. That seemed to mollify her, and she left to go back to the inn for the night.
I went back to Cedar to sit OD. It was going to be a long, exhausting weekend for the counselors, so I let them have the night off to blow off some steam at The Canteen. After I lit the fire, I settled down at the picnic table and took out the costumes I was putting last-minute touches on. I pulled the lantern close to me and started attaching the buttons to the fiddler’s suit, which had turned out way better than I’d ever expected. It was a fantastic midnight blue I’d chosen so the fiddler would almost blend into the sky—like he was a true fixture of the town and Tevye’s life.
The material had some sheen to it that really glistened under the stage lights. Perry’d worn it a few times during rehearsals and it was hard to take your eyes off him. With the exception of the wedding gown, it had taken me almost three times as long to make it as any of the other costumes. When I finished securing the last of the buttons, I slid my arms into the jacket to try it on. I stood up to model it and pulled the collar up to my face and breathed in. It smelled like Perry.
“Looks good on you.” A voice said from behind me. I turned around to find Perry standing there. I suddenly felt embarrassed, not knowing how long he’d been watching me.
“It looks better on you,” I said, slipping it off and handing it to him. “Sorry about the interruption earlier. I had no idea in a million years my mother would show up here.”
“Yeah, that was pretty obvious, Princess.”
“So we’re back to Princess? You called me Georgica in front of my mother.”
“I like your proper name,” he said.
“I wouldn’t have guessed. You hardly ever use it.”
“That’s because I like messing with you more.”
“Is that what you were doing that night in the arts and crafts cabin? Messing with me?”
He sighed. “No, I wasn’t trying to mess with you. That’s why I came by to talk to you earlier. I want to explain.”
He motioned for me to take a seat, and I reluctantly did.
“Remember that night when we were eating those ice cream things outside The Canteen and you said nobody my age would come here summer after summer unless they were trying to escape something?” he asked.
I nodded, remembering how he’d reacted after I made that statement.
He rubbed the soft stubble on his face and brushed his fingers across his lips. “You weren’t wrong,” he said.
“You’re admitting I was right about something? Well, that’s a first.”
“Are you going to let me talk or not?”
“Sorry, Mr. Gillman, you have the floor,” I said, motioning for him to take a seat.
He sat down across from me at the picnic table and moved the lantern between us. “My first summer working here, I fell for one of the other counselors. She was American and a real ballbuster. Just so completely different from the girls back home. I swear, I think her parents forced her to work at Chinooka just to get her out of their hair for a few months.”
I immediately felt self-conscious, knowing this was the very same impression he’d had of me when we first met.
He continued, “I was attracted to her instantly. Most of the male counselors were. She was beautiful, but it was more than that. Something about being around her made you feel special.”
He didn’t have to explain. I used to feel that way about Joshua. Being in his presence had made me feel like everyone else in the room must think I was someone exceptional because he’d chosen to be with me.
Perry fidgeted with the buttons closest to his collar and slowly started undoing them. “She dated like three other guys before she gave me the time of day, and I think it was so I’d want her more,” he said. “It worked. I was completely smitten. Then, once we started dating, we were inseparable. I slacked on all my duties, and we sneaked away to be together as much as we could.”
“So no Gordy Award that summer?” I asked, playfully kicking his leg under the table.
He pursed his lips. “Gigi, please. Let me finish.”
I could see his whole demeanor change. He pulled his legs together and clasped his hands in his lap. His lower chin was now trembling and his breathing slowed as the memory washed over him. I promised not to say another word.
“At the end of the summer, I convinced her to travel across the US with me to do one of those big road trips you see all the time in the movies. A drive-your-Chevrolet-across-the-USA type adventure. At first, it was great. We stopped at all these bed and breakfasts up and down the California coast. But then she got restless or bored, with me or with the trip. I don’t really know.”
He stood up from the picnic table and began pacing. He kept his head down and eyes averted. “A couple weeks into the trip we were in a small town in Arizona. One night we both had way too much to drink with some locals, and she started flirting pretty heavily with the bartender. It wasn’t the first time she’d flirted with other men to get a rise out of me. I asked her to go back to the hotel, but she wouldn’t. I tossed her the car keys, called a cab for myself, and left.
He sat down next to me and put his head between his hands. He started talking again, his voice thick like he was holding back tears. He swallowed them down and continued. “In my stupid inebriated judgment, I thought she’d call her own cab or sober up enough to drive herself to the hotel. I’d seen her do it dozens of times after throwing a few back a few at Rosie’s.”
Tears streamed down Perry’s face. He didn’t bother wiping them away. “On her way home, she hit a flatbed truck and the car flipped. She died instantly or so I was told by the emergency room doctor. And it’s all my fault. I left her with the keys. I handed her the loaded gun.”
He was sobbing now, his shoulders shaking with emotion. I instinctively knew this was the first time he had shared this story with anyone.
I took his hands into my own. “Perry, you couldn’t have known that would happen.”
He wiped his face with the back of his hand and took a few breaths to calm down. “I waited for her parents to come and collect her body and then flew home to try to return to my life. Only you can’t ever really go back after something like that. You just keep reliving the minutes it took for you to do something you wish more than anything you could take back. Her parents didn’t want me
in New York at the funeral. I never got to say goodbye. I never got a chance to tell them I’m sorry.”
It all made sense. His hostility toward me was because I reminded him of her. I’d shown up at Chinooka and stirred up all the emotions he’d been suppressing for so long. I pulled him to my chest, where he continued to let his grief pour out. I stroked his cheek, and he reached up and grabbed my hand, grasping it firmly in his own. We stayed like that until we could hear the far-away voices of the counselors starting to return from The Canteen.
Without saying a word he stood up and led me back to his cabin, where we made love like two people no longer bound by the weight of our offenses. Free from the secrets we’d been trying so desperately to keep buried, we were released from the past. Every one of my encounters since Joshua had been about trying to erase the feeling of his touch and my memories. I’d thrown myself at dozens of men, hoping they’d help me escape my feelings. Finally, I was at ease with a man who made me forget them.
The next morning, I tried to sneak back into the bunk unnoticed, but the girls were up bright and early getting ready for Parents’ Weekend. Tara was the first person to confront me as I walked in.
“Where’ve you been?” she asked.
Jordana shot me a puzzled look.
“I did a final sweep of the grounds, and they look great,” I announced as loudly as I could.
Tara looked me up and down. “How come you’re wearing the same clothes from last night?”
“I slept in them. I was exhausted when I came in from OD.”
Her expression made no secret of the fact she didn’t believe me. Madison and some of the other girls were whispering over by their cubbies. I couldn’t make out exactly what they were saying, but I heard them say “Gerry” a couple times.
“So I’m going to take a shower before breakfast, and I’ll meet you girls over in the dining hall. Jordana, think you can do roll call for me?”
