by Beth Merlin
Perry’s big brown eyes softened. “Are you okay?”
“I just can’t imagine being so close and not actually being there to see Alicia walk down the aisle.”
“Maybe you should go see her and explain yourself. She still doesn’t know the real reason her best friend isn’t going to be there to see her get married. You owe her that, don’t you think? Doesn’t she deserve some sort of closure on your friendship?”
I stood up to face him. “Our friendship isn’t over. I needed a break from it. From them.”
“It is over, Gigi. It was over the minute you didn’t tell her about you and Joshua. To pretend otherwise is just selfish.”
His detachment was so hypocritical. His half-completed symphony spoke volumes about the fact that he’d never found closure after Annie died. Anyone he let close to him could see his guilt had morphed into an insurmountable writer’s block. “You told me Annie’s parents want nothing to do with you, right? That you’ve never explained to them what happened that night? How come?”
He stood up and placed his pointer finger lightly over my mouth. “Gigi, don’t do this.”
I pushed his finger away more forcefully than intended. “No, really. Tell me, Perry. Where’s your closure?”
Before he could answer, Tara came hurrying over to us. Almost breathless, she told us that the votes had been tallied and that Cedar and Birch were going to New York City.
“Looks like we’re going to your hometown, Princess,” Perry said, trying to break the tension between us.
I raised my eyebrows. “And Annie’s.”
Perry interlaced his fingers with mine. He pulled me toward him so that we were eye to eye. I could feel his breath on my neck as he leaned in and whispered in my ear. “I’m ready for closure. Are you?”
I nodded, and he kissed me on the forehead, as if to seal the deal we’d just made—to go to New York and confront our pasts.
Only a week later, Perry and I stood with the Cedar and Birch campers and counselors in the lobby of the Times Square Marriott Marquee. We’d taken them to see the Broadway musical Wicked and decided to split up for dinner. I took half the campers down to Chinatown, and Perry took the rest to a restaurant in Little Italy. Jamie was planning on meeting me at one of my favorite Chinese restaurants, Wo Hop, so we could catch up a bit before I went back to his apartment to pick up the rest of the finished costumes for the show.
Getting thirty kids safely through Times Square and down to Mott Street was no easy feat. The air was thick and steamy. I’d forgotten how muggy New York City could be in the summertime compared to the Poconos. We squeezed onto the N train and were met by a wall of heat. The air-conditioning wasn’t working in our car, but there were too many of us to switch to a different one. Finally, we got to Canal Street, and I led the way out of the subway station toward the restaurant.
When we finally arrived, Jamie was standing outside waiting for us. He looked impossibly cool in his jeans, T-shirt, and blazer. I ran and threw my arms around his neck. My hair and clothes were noticeably damp from the humidity. He was bone dry. “How are you not even a little bit sweaty?” I asked in amazement.
“Botox.”
“Seriously?”
“Just a little in each arm pit. Shall we?” he said, holding the door open and ushering us in.
Wo Hop was one of my favorite Chinatown spots. Open all night, they had two dining rooms, one downstairs and one upstairs. The roomy upstairs restaurant had tablecloths and laminated menus. The tiny basement restaurant held only a handful of booths covered with paper tablecloths and paper menus. I was of the opinion it had better food than its upstairs counterpart, but you couldn’t make a reservation there. It was cramped and no frills but also one of the few places I remembered going to with my father as a little girl. On nights my mother had a charity event or committee meeting, we’d take the subway from our uptown apartment down to Mott Street. I’d hold his hand as we walked down the dark and hidden staircase to the restaurant. When a table finally opened up, he’d order us each a Hot and Sour soup and two dishes to share as he pointed out the famous signed headshots that made up the wallpaper of the room. Having dinner there felt special—like we’d wandered off the beaten path to our own exclusive eatery. He loved how removed it was, and I loved how undivided his attention was in a place where we never ran into anyone he knew.
The hostess greeted Jamie and me at the entrance and asked if we wanted a table upstairs or downstairs. Jamie looked to me for instruction.
“I have a reservation for upstairs,” I said, ushering the kids to the top of the staircase.
Jamie and I followed the hostess to three large, round tables. After making sure I’d distributed enough counselor chaperones, I took a seat next to Jamie at the largest table.
“So what’s good here?” he said, perusing the menu.
“Everything, although just about anything would taste good to me after eating camp food all summer. Want to share the hot and spicy shrimp?”
“Speaking of hot and spicy, how’s Mr. Gillman?” Jamie teased.
I blushed all over. “He’s good—great, actually.”
“So then, where is Mr. Wonderful tonight? Didn’t you say he’s in New York with you?”
“He’s taking the rest of the campers to a restaurant in Little Italy,” I said.
“Should we all meet up after dinner?”
“He has something he wants to take care of tonight.”
Jamie nodded. “What about you? Are you planning to see Alicia?”
“All those months ago, I told you I was running away to Chinooka to protect Alicia. It was a lie. I was protecting myself. It was wrong of me to disappear then, but it would be even more selfish to suddenly reappear now.”
Jamie raised his eyebrows and offered a questioning gaze. “You told me she’s having cold feet, right? There’s a very big piece of this puzzle she’s still missing. You still don’t think she deserves to know the truth?”
“I should’ve told her about me and Joshua. I know that, but it’s too late now.”
“It’s never too late for honesty,” he said, sipping his tea.
Jamie put his arm around me and turned the conversation to Chinooka. As delicious heaping plates of Moo Shu Chicken, Lo Mein, and Beef and Broccoli were ushered out on platters, I told him about everything from Color War to the final rehearsals of Fiddler. When the waitress set down orange slices and fortune cookies for dessert, Jamie reached over to the center of the table and took two of each. He set them down in front of us. As was our tradition, we counted to three and then opened the fortune cookies at the exact same time. I motioned for him to read his aloud.
He cleared his throat and read off the small paper. “You have the skills and experiences that will equip you for a whole new adventure.”
I raised my eyebrows. “That sounds promising. Now mine,” I said, breaking the cookie in half. “The heart of a true friend is a deep abyss, at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.”
We both were silent. Jamie raised his teacup in the air for a toast. I lifted mine to meet it.
I paid the check and sent the campers back to the hotel with the other counselors so I could go to Jamie’s apartment. Jamie pointed me to the bedroom where the costumes were hanging on a foldable clothing rack. I unzipped the garment bags to examine each one.
“I’m gonna open a bottle of red, want some?” Jamie shouted from the kitchen.
“Just a small glass. We have an early day tomorrow,” I yelled back.
The downstairs buzzer rang and Jamie called out to me to ask me to grab the door.
I walked over to answer it. “Expecting company?”
“It’s probably Thom,” he said. “Want some cheese with the wine? That thing about being hungry an hour after you eat Chinese food is totally true. I’m starving.”
“How have you not given him a key yet? You guys have been dating for what, four years?”
“Three and a half,” he said.
I poked my head into his galley kitchen as I passed. “You’re unbelievable. He’s a good guy. Commit to him. Be happy.”
Jamie reached up to a high shelf to pull down two wine glasses. “You’re giving me love advice? That’s rich.”
I stuck out my tongue and went to answer the door.
I opened it and Alicia looked absolutely shocked to see me standing there. Before I could react, she threw her arms around me and pulled me into a tight embrace.
“I knew you’d show up,” she said excitedly. “I knew you wouldn’t miss the wedding.”
I looked into her eyes, which were warm and welcoming. I hugged her again, my own eyes welling up with tears. It was the complete opposite of the reaction I’d expected, and the full realization of just how much I’d missed my best friend bubbled to surface like a teakettle that’d been left on the stove too long.
“Gigi, what’s wrong?” Alicia asked, stepping back and away from me.
“I’m just so happy to see you,” I managed to choke out. “What are you doing here?”
She walked passed me and into the living room, holding a large garment bag over her head. She laid it down across the couch and sank down into Jamie’s big armchair. I sat across from her.
“I don’t know what came over me, but I decided to try on my wedding dress. It fit like a glove when I bought it. I literally didn’t need one thing altered, but I slipped it on tonight and it’s…it’s just all wrong. Jamie was the first person I thought of who could help. Well, actually you were, but I didn’t know you were in New York.”
“Alicia…”
“It’s okay. Joshua told me he tracked you down at Chinooka.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “Joshua told you he came to see me?”
“I’m sure he told you we hit a bit of a rough patch. He knew how much it would mean to me to have you at the wedding. I can only guess you showing up is my wedding gift from him?”
My head was swimming with questions. “You think I’m his gift to you?”
“Gigi, I know why you had to disappear this summer. Your parents put all that pressure on you to go to law school, and then you got fired from your job. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you more when you needed me. Maybe if I was, you wouldn’t have felt like you had to run away.”
Jamie stepped into the living room holding two glasses of wine and a small cheese plate. His mouth dropped open when he saw Alicia sitting in his favorite chair.
Alicia stood up, gave Jamie a kiss on each cheek, and continued talking. “You don’t have to be embarrassed. Ever since Joshua told me you were at Chinooka, do you know how many afternoons I’ve sat at my desk wishing I could quit my job and go back to camp with you?”
My eyes pricked with tears. I blinked them back. “Do you know how many afternoons I’ve wished that too?”
She smiled warmly, stood up, and started unzipping the gown from its the bag. “I don’t know—things have just felt so different with you away, but I can’t put my finger on it. I wanted to have the wedding before my promotion started, but then it all started to feel too rushed and I told Joshua I wanted to postpone. I think that’s when he went to find you at camp.”
“He told me you were having cold feet.”
“He came home and I came to my senses. I realized I was acting crazy. How can an eighteen-year relationship feel rushed? Who wouldn’t want what we have?”
Alicia looked over at me for some unique insight, the kind I used to ungrudgingly provide, but I remained silent. She walked into Jamie’s kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine and kept talking. “It’s funny, I’d always suspected he was seeing someone when I was in London, but he was never honest about it, so a few weeks ago I called him out. He finally came clean about the fact that he’d dated someone. I can’t be mad, though, right? I mean, I ended things with him. I was seeing someone else too. But still, he should have told me. The truth is I’m actually glad it happened. We’ve been together so long it was good for us both to have that time to explore other people, have other experiences.”
She walked out of the kitchen, put the wine glass down on a coaster on the coffee table, and looked over at Jamie. “Should I try the dress on in your room? I don’t know what it is but something’s just not right with it. I need your expert hands, Jamie. Actually, since I have both of you here, even better.”
“Did he tell you anything about who she was?” Jamie asked.
“No, not much. Some girl he met out at a bar or something. I think he was looking for something meaningless to help get over me.”
Jamie looked over in my direction, his eyes wide with insistence. Maybe he was right? What if her cold feet weren’t actually nerves, but doubt? I was the reason for it, only she had no idea. I squeezed my eyes shut and blurted out, “It was me.”
“What was you?”
I swallowed hard. “I was the girl.”
Alicia narrowed her eyes. I could tell she was trying to convince herself that what I’d said had a different meaning than the obvious. She stepped away from the dress and stood in front of me. “What are you saying, Gigi?”
“I was the girl Joshua was with while you were in London.” I stepped back and braced myself for whatever was going to happen next. Nothing came but stunned silence. It was worse than any impact would have been. “Please, Ali, say something,” I begged.
“That doesn’t make any sense. You would never do that to me.”
I reached for her. “I didn’t mean to. No, that’s not true. I did want it to happen—I just never expected it to. You told him you were moving on, that you might even be moving to London. I actually convinced myself you’d even be happy for us. It sounds insane to me now. God, how can I explain this to you in a way that you could ever understand?”
“I’m not an idiot, Gigi. I know you’ve always had a crush on him, I just never in a million years thought you would act on it,” she said, her jaw clenched so tightly she looked distorted. “How long did you wait before you made a play for him?”
Alicia’s face was ashen. My always-composed best friend was shaking with anger, trying to grasp how the two people she loved most in the world had hurt her in the worst way possible. I looked over at Jamie and knew what I had to do for her, the person who had always been there for me so unconditionally, supporting me through every moment of my life. Before I could think twice, I fell on my sword.
“Not long. A few days after you ended it, he came over to the apartment to pick up some of his stuff. Things just spiraled from there.”
“And what happened? As soon as he got there, you just threw yourself at him?” she asked.
“Yes, I threw myself at him,” I said resolutely.
“Did you even think about me?” she asked, the tears rolling down her cheeks. “How it would hurt me?”
I wanted to tell her that I’d thought about her a million times. That guilt and regret had enveloped my life and I’d only recently begun to dig myself out of that darkness. I wanted to explain how sorry I was, and how deeply I missed her. Instead, I said nothing and let her keep on believing that I was the instigator, the predator, the one who’d pursued Joshua, and not that our wrongdoings had been mutual.
“You’re disgusting. I can’t even look at you. I have to go. Jamie, I’ll come back for the dress tomorrow,” she said, fighting her way to the door.
“Ali, please.” I grabbed her shoulder.
“Get off me!” she screamed like a wounded animal.
I peeled my fingers away and she raced to the front door. Her hand was on the knob when she suddenly turned on her heels to face me.
“Why’d he go see you at Chinooka?”
“Ali…”
“Is it over Gigi?”
“It is. It has been for months. Ever since you got back from London. He chose you.”
She let out a long low sigh. “Did he?”
She opened the door and slammed it hard behind her. After I heard the elevator door close, I stepped out into the h
allway. I made it a few feet before I slid to the floor, my body shaking with sobs. Jamie came out and sat with me until I’d calmed down enough to be able to leave. He offered to help me get a cab, but I told him wanted to walk. I set off uptown and somehow, after wandering for what felt like hours, found myself in front of my parents’ apartment building. I went inside and took the elevator to their floor. I got to their door and knocked softly. A few later seconds, my father called out, “Who’s there?”
He’d always been a much lighter sleeper than my mother.
“It’s Georgie,” I answered as he unlocked the deadbolt. He was the only person who ever called me that. It used to make me feel as though he hardly knew me, but now I wondered if it wasn’t something special, something only he and I shared.
“Georgie, what are you doing here? What’s the matter?” he asked, wrapping his robe tightly around himself.
“Hi, Daddy, can we maybe go somewhere to talk?”
“Just give me a second to throw something on,” he answered.
I appreciated his calm nature. Other parents might panic at their child showing up at their door so late at night, especially when they were supposed to be in Pennsylvania. Not my father. With him, nothing was a problem until it was a problem. I used to interpret his composure as disinterest, but now I knew it was just his way. I nodded and waited in the hallway for him. A few minutes later he came out in jeans and a Columbia University sweatshirt.
“Where to?” he asked.
“Anywhere. I don’t care where we go.”
“Have you eaten today?”
“I had dinner at Wo Hop.”
“Upstairs or downstairs?” he asked.
“Upstairs.”
“Then you didn’t really eat. Let’s grab a cab.”
We jumped in a taxi and headed back down to Mott Street and Wo Hop. This time, when the hostess asked where we wanted to sit, I took his hand, and we descended down the long, dark, narrow stairway to the basement restaurant. It was a little after midnight, but every table was full. When two off-duty police officers finally finished, we slid into their booth.
