by Kailin Gow
But I could feel mine. I felt as if a part of myself had been cut off, as if there was within my soul a hole so gaping and empty that the whole world could pass through it and still I would not feel a thing.
We had continued the evening in somber silence. The Queen had served us a small dinner – marking Kian's return with none of the pomp and splendor that had defined Shasta's homecoming, and informed us that she had made up beds in the guest tower for all of us; she was waiting for our departure on the morrow. “The next time we see each other,” she said, “It will be when we sign the treaty for peace.” Even in the profound plummets of my misery her words gave me hope. It would be worth it, wouldn't it? If peace could be brokered between the Winter and the Summer Courts, then surely one love, one life, didn't matter? Surely my own pain was nothing compared to the pain of my people – what I would be making them suffer if I refused to leave Kian alone. I knew the violence that would follow our union. Wort would round up his supporters and have me deposed; I imagined some villainous traitor on the Winter side would do much the same. And they would use the war to their own ends, consolidating their power even as people died on all sides, covering the mountains and hills of Feyland.
At last, after dinner, Kian came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. His touch was magnetic, sending shivers through me. “Walk with me, Breena,” he said, his voice low and soft with love. “Let us go together. We have a few hours...”
Before we were parted forever.
“It will only make it harder,” I said, swallowing hard. I didn't want to be reminded of what I was missing, of the man I would never wake up next to, whose children I would never bear. I wanted only to close my eyes, squeeze out the tears, and forget.
“We need to say goodbye.” Kian took my hand. “For now.”
“Don't talk like that...”
“Maybe one day,” he said. “There will be peace. And then...”
“We can't get our hopes up,” I said, staring at my dinner plate, feeling the tears in my eyes. “Winter and Summer cannot be. Not ever.”
Kian sighed and offered me his arm. “My mother has said the same thing to Shasta.”
I stood up suddenly. “What? About Rodney? But your mother...”
“That was before,” he said. “My mother feels that she must make an example of Shasta as well. If my love for you is prohibited – and it must be – then she cannot allow Shasta to marry Rodney, either.” He sighed. “My mother knows that I am weak – with love for you. I will not be king. I told her this, in an effort to convince her to change her mind.”
“And?”
“She refuses to allow me to abdicate my position – for Summer's sake as much as for Winter. And yet she knows that if I were to prove....an unfit ruler...Shasta would take my place. She is the one who should be ruling – were it not that my mother favored me, for some reason, she would have been declared the heir apparent. And now Shasta must give Rodney up. If they were married, and I were to...be unable to rule...Shasta could never rule either, and our dynasty would fall.”
“She's punishing Shasta for our love!” I cried. “That's not fair.”
“She's setting an example.”
Kian stroked my face, his fingertips light upon my skin. “Let's go,” he said. “Just for tonight. Somewhere beautiful – safe – warm. The Snow Orchard.”
“Where's that?”
“As I child, I used to sit there for hours, right outside the palace walls. I want to show it to you.”
“I'm not so sure...”
“Please, Breena,” his voice grew louder, more urgent. “It may be the only chance I ever get.”
I could resist no longer. The love, the desire tearing apart my soul was more than I could bear. I allowed him to take my arm, allowed myself to melt into him, to close my eyes and inhale once more his scent of lavender and winter skies as we walked together towards the orchards.
I gasped as we came closer. “Kian, it's beautiful!”
In my old world, flowers could not grow in the snow, but here in Feyland, white lilies and honeysuckle, jasmine and ivy all wound their way about the iron trellises, dusted with snow. Fir trees grew strong against the walls – not tall and thick, as they were in the Land Beyond the Crystal River – but rather long and winding, their fragrant branches tangling in the ivy, snow soft and speckling upon them.
“Mistletoe,” said Kian, leading me to a spot in the center of the garden. He kissed me softly. “I hear it means something in your world.”
His voice was too much to bear; there were tears in my eyes.
“Come now,” Kian began kissing my eyelids, making the tears vanish upon the heat of his lips. “Don't cry, stop crying.” He gave a bitter laugh, holding me closer. “Why do you have to be so noble, my dearest Breena?”
“You would have done the same,” I shot back, my mind instantly racing towards the defensive. “I know you would have. We both believe in peace more than anything else. And it's your destiny to be king of this court, Kian. Not Shasta's – not anyone else's – no matter what your mother might think.”
“How can I rule anyone – when you so completely rule me?”
“Exactly, Kian!” I had to make him understand, fight through my pain. “That's why we can't be together. If I take you away, your people will hate you – not to mention mine! I can't destroy your destiny like that.”
“But I love you!” Was this the stone-faced prince who had once spoken so coldly of duty? “You are my happiness, Breena. Before you, I did not know anything about love. I knew only honor, only death. I never even thought of happiness. And then I met you – and I discovered love...how can you ask me to let you go?” He drew me in again for another kiss, as overwhelming and passionate as the first. I could feel the ground tremble within my feet, awakening the deep magic of his kiss.
I allowed myself to kiss him back, to surrender myself – just for a moment – into his beauty, his love. “I love you,” I said. “And I always will. Nothing can change that. But...” I pulled away, turning to look at the lilies covered in snow. I could not let Kian see my face, the doubt and pain written so clearly on it. “Your mother is right, Kian. Summer and Winter cannot be together right now, not when everything is so vulnerable, so fragile...”
Kian sighed. “Imagine it – one day. One day, when things are different. A unified Court, ruled by a fairy with both Summer and Winter blood. Our child; our heir. Accepted as legitimate by both my people and yours. A single court of fairies.”
“Our child...” I closed my eyes, imagining a creature with Kian's coltish beauty and my awkward limbs – wearing a double-crown of sun and moon. “Do you think so?” I knew I shouldn't let myself get dragged into this fantasy, let myself cling to hope, and yet I found myself sighing and moving closer to Kian, letting his arms wrap around me once more.
“The greatest peace, Breena, the lasting peace. One day – you and I, together. A peace and unification that no treaty can break or un-break. Just all of us, together, in love.”
“Maybe one day,” I said, my voice dropping to a whisper.
“Promise me you'll keep hoping, Breena,” said Kian. “Promise me you'll keep believing.”
“I promise,” I said. “I won't forget you. I won't forget hope.”
“I promise too,” said Kian, kissing me again, a final communion of our souls. I felt our telepathic connection spark up again, the overwhelming force that brought Kian inside my head, and allowed me inside his, that bound us so tightly that I could not tell where one of us ended and the other one began.
“Ahem!”
We sprang apart from each other, a guilty blush spreading over both our faces, mingling with the red of our frosty cheeks.
“I've been sent to find you.” It was Logan, standing awkwardly in the snow, like a dog with its tail between its legs. He knew exactly where Kian and I stood with each other, but nevertheless I felt embarrassed, even guilty, about being seen with him. I knew how Logan felt about me, and I couldn't
stand the thought of hurting him.
“Here we are,” said Kian, his voice wary. He liked Logan well enough, but when Logan got between him and his love, he could be very dangerous. “What is it?”
Logan cleared his throat. His face contorted with worry. Kian and I both stopped short. It wasn't jealousy that had led Logan to pay this call. He had come for a reason – something serious.
“What is it, Logan?” I asked again.
He took a deep breath, sighing in the frosty air. “It's Shasta.”
Chapter 13
We sped down together along the frosty corridors of the castle. Icicles glinted menacingly at us from the arches, and from the candles lining the halls there glittered silver frames. Logan remained silent, his teeth clenched, his shoulders tensed, as he walked on before us, his animal steps echoing down the halls.
“What's going on?” I asked. “Logan, what's happening? Where's Rodney?”
Kian tensed his grip around my waist. I could feel his pain, his fear. But Logan continued walking onwards, refusing to look at either of us.
“Wolf!” cried Kian. Logan stopped short, and when he turned around I could see that the words had stung. “Do you mind telling us what happened to my sister?” His voice was thick with disdain; now that Kian and I were to be parted, he could no more afford to be generous to his rival.
Logan's face was white with anger. “While you were idly passing the time in your flowery little orchard with...with her, Your Highness” - and his words were filled with as much venom as Kian's condescending “Wolf!” - “your sister tried to kill herself.”
Kian blanched. “What? What are you talking about?”
I thought of Shasta – so strong, so brave, so sure that she was in control. How could she, of all people, have succumbed to despair. “That's crazy! Shasta would never do anything like that...”
“While you two were worried about your own relationship, your sister – your engaged sister, who has known Rodney for far longer than you two have known each other – was saying goodbye to the man she thought she'd marry.” Logan scoffed.
“It's true then,” said Kian. His voice was thick with bitterness. “Love is deadly for fairies. It's what we were always told growing up – love is dangerous. When a fairy falls in love, and it affects his magic – or her magic – it spirals out of control, like a ball of fire. And Shasta was so strong...”
“Kian's right,” said Logan, in a voice that made it clear he hated saying those words more than anything in the world. “Remember how irrational Shasta was when Rodney was kidnapped? She killed Redleaf, for goodness's sake! She let herself be captured by your court in order to get closer to Rodney. If she hadn't done that, Kian would never have had to go find you in the first place, go into the mortal world...”
He stopped short and I sighed. It seemed so long ago that Kian was my enemy – the cold, brave soldier who had kidnapped me to save his sister's life. Looking into his eyes, seeing his pain and his compassion for his sister, I could not imagine this kind, brave man ever being anything but my closest friend.
“If Shasta had not killed Redleaf,” Kian admitted, his eyes half-closed with despair, “peace would have come so much more swiftly. And yet I cannot bring myself to blame her. She followed her heart, her love, her loyalty to Rodney.”
“Your sister got fairy knights – like Rodney's brothers, his friends – killed! How can you, of all people, defend her? You who pretend to care so much about your kingdom, about peace.”
“She is my sister,” said Kian, shortly. “I will defend her regardless.”
As we entered Shasta's room, a deathly quiet fell over us all. Shasta was lying in her bed, swaddled in white cloth, her face as pale as the silk surrounding her. Rodney was kneeling by her bedside, pressing his face into her. The Winter Queen stood firm and tall at a corner of the room, regarding her daughter from a distance.
“Mother!” Kian's voice had grown colder, more regal. He bowed to her with an impeccable imperial salute. “What has happened?”
She looked at him coolly, giving a great, deep sigh. “Shasta would not accept her destiny,” she said. “She tried to take poisonwood nectar. If I hadn't found her in time...” Her voice was level and even, betraying no sign of emotion. I couldn't help thinking of my own mother. If it had been me in that bed, she would have been distraught, overcome with madness. But the Winter Queen only stared straight ahead.
“You okay?” I went to Rodney, patting a hand on his shoulder with as little awkwardness as I could muster. But he did not hear me. He remained curled up at Shasta's bedside, murmuring her name into the sheets.
The Winter Queen turned her gaze once more to Kian. Was it a trick of the light, or did I spot some worry in her eyes? “She would not accept her destiny,” the Queen said again. “She did not understand her duty.”
Kian sighed. “Will she be alright?”
“She's in a coma,” said the Winter Queen. “She will recover – but the situation is critical.”
Kian took a deep breath, stepping forward to Shasta's bedside. He took Shasta's hand, cradling it in his as he closed his eyes. “I can hear her,” he said. “Her body has been injured, but her mind is strong. Her heart is strong. Perhaps too strong,” he said, shooting a look at Rodney. He leaned in close to Shasta, whispering something in her ear.
Suddenly, Shasta sat up, as straight-backed as a spear, energy pulsing through her body. “You wouldn't!” She cried. “You won't.”
A silence fell over the room, broken by Kian's slow, gratified laugh. “I knew that was going to wake you up,” he said, forcing a week grin in Shasta's direction. “Not even poisonwood nectar can stop my sister from correcting me when I tell her that if she dies, I'll be a much better ruler than her.”
Shasta flushed, and all eyes turned to the Winter Queen. Her surprise – registering for only a moment on her face – had faded, giving way briefly to a blossoming of joy before vanishing altogether, leaving only her regal expressionlessness on her face. “You gave all of us a fright just now.”
Shasta stared straight ahead, as if trying to pierce past all of us with her eyes. “Because you'll miss me, mother, or because you'll be deprived of a potential heir?” Her voice was shaking, but her familiar disdain was clear. “Everyone knows that without Breena, Kian won't be able to rule. So I guess that leaves me, mother. Once again to suffer for Kian's sake.”
“It's not like...” Kian protested.
“Oh, it is,” said Shasta sharply. “Mummy doesn't want her precious Kian to suffer by himself – so I must suffer too, isn't that it? Well, let me tell you something – even if Kian doesn't rule, I won't either! I'll abdicate the throne, give it to one of our dozens of second cousins. I'm not giving Rodney up, Mother. I'll abdicate. I'll leave the Kingdom. Or I swear, next time I drink poisonwood nectar, you won't find me in time.”
“You won't!” Rodney had stood at last. “I can't let that happen.”
“Rodney, please!” Shasta let out a deep sigh. “I have to do this! I won't lose you!”
Rodney's eyes filled up with pain. “I love you dearly,” said Rodney. “But I can’t let you risk your own life and health – your own self – for me. No, Your Highness, not for me.” He stood, his back straight and stiff. “If your love for me drives you to that, then I will have no part of it.”
Tears began streaming down Shasta's cheeks, torrential rivulets of silver. “But Rodney,” she whispered. “I want you. I want you more than I want to be Queen.”
I couldn't help catching Kian's eye at this point. Shasta and Rodney were playing out before us our own feelings, our own desires. Just as Shasta would sacrifice herself for Rodney, so too did Kian and I long to sacrifice ourselves for each other, to escape to a land where we could be together, in love, forever.
“If anything happens to Kian,” Shasta repeated, taking deep breaths. “Then I will have to become queen. And you know how much your precious son loves Breena! Who's to say he won't abdicate in order to be wi
th her?”
“He won’t!” I heard myself cry out! If Shasta and Rodney had to be brave, to give up their desires, then surely we did too. It was the honorable way. “If it comes to that, Your Highness,” I turned to Kian's mother. “I wouldn't accept Kian's love. Not at that price.”
I could see Kian flinch. “I have accepted my duty, Shasta,” he said softly. “I will fulfill my destiny to become the King of the Winter Kingdom someday – hopefully,” and here he looked at his mother, “a long time away. You need not worry about what is or is not your duty, Shasta. You will never have to become Queen if you don't want to; I promise. You can keep Rodney, as far as I'm concern. You're my little sister, and your happiness is more important than mine.”
“Did you hear that, Mother?” Shasta's voice rose with defiance. “Why should we both suffer?”
“My hearing is perfect.” The Winter Queen's voice was like ice. “But that doesn't change anything. That doesn't change who you are. What your duty is!”
“No,” Shasta whispered. “No – that's not fair!”
“You have been a disappointment to me, Shasta.”
Shasta let out a whimper, so much more vulnerable than her usual snorts of disdain. “But Kian will be king, mother. You won't need me here. Can't I be happy, mother? Why won't you let me be happy?”
The Winter Queen turned away. “Perhaps the Ancients were wise,” she said, “in banning love from this kingdom. Look, Kian, what it has done to your sister. Before she succumbed to this infatuation for this...Summer knight, she was so eager, so graceful, so clever. So willing to learn about all that was necessary to become a good ruler, a sovereign of the illustrious Winter Kingdom, to take on her role as Princess. She used to cry to me at nights that Kian was to be King, that she would not rule. She would beg me to give her the crown! And now look at her! Weak, unpredictable, passionate. It is what I have always feared – as a mother, and as a Queen. An emotion as human as love poisoning our very beings.
