SEAL Brotherhood 06 - SEAL My Destiny

by Sharon Hamilton

  But, in this case, was that what he needed? It was more than getting him to want to be with her, he’d already told her he did. It was whether or not it was an honest, equal relationship. She didn’t want a hookup. She didn’t want to play house or erotic lovers. Being someone’s fuck puppet wasn’t her idea of fun. She’d never been that way. She was out for the real thing. Dared she hope this could be it? Was this guy too damaged, or was her need to save him clouding her vision?

  She shook her head and spent the afternoon going over lists of To-Do items at her mother’s house.

  “You’ve been kind of quiet today, Julie. Everything all right?” Her mother had radar which could spot an earthquake a year in advance.

  “You know how it is, Mom. End of school. Everything is rushed to get the grades posted, get the room packed down.” She didn’t want to mention the problem parents. Every year there were problem parents, but not to this level. It had to remain a secret or her mom would start digging until she wiggled it out of her.

  “Right. I remember those days.” Her mom had been a teacher as well.

  Her mother prepared another green tea for each of them and then sat down again. “Colin’s friend is nice,” she said, looking over her mug at her daughter.

  She knew exactly who her mother meant. But she decided to play dumb.

  “Which one?”

  “You know, the one with the big chest,” her mother smiled and looked down at her tea demurely. “The one you couldn’t stop looking at all night last night.”

  They stared into each other’s eyes. Her mother didn’t flinch, but her sweet smile was warming and non-judgmental. The unspoken suggestion that a man like that would be able to protect and take care of her hit Julie like a furnace blast. In addition to having great intuition, her mother was rarely as subtle as she thought she was.

  “I’m guessing you and Dad have also talked about this,” Julie said as she sipped her tea.

  “Oh, dear, your dad loves war heroes. He said that, in addition to being very handsome, the young man is extremely intelligent.”

  Julie decided to prepare them for a less-than-perfect outcome, to be realistic. “Mom, he’s not ready to settle down, and frankly, neither am I.”

  “But how convenient you both live in San Diego, where you could see each other occasionally,” her mother persisted.

  “Well—” She was going to lie to her mother and then thought better about it. “Of course, we might run into one another.”

  That was putting it mildly. They’d run into each other, all right, and the sparks were still flying. She closed her eyes as she sipped her tea. She knew her mother watched her with the unerring eye of an experienced police detective.

  Julie didn’t care.

  On the way home, Julie got the call she’d been wishing for all day.

  “Hi there, Luke. You get some rest?”

  “I did, as a matter of fact.”

  “Good.”

  Julie squeezed the steering wheel and turned up the car speaker volume. She could hear his heavy breathing and some music in the background. She guessed he was calling from a restaurant or bar.

  “I just called to say thank you for this morning. It was very nice.”

  “You’re welcome.” She was careful not to put anything in there she’d regret later, in case this was the call that could go quickly the other direction from what she was hoping.

  “I slept hard, even with the drapes open.”

  “Wow. I can’t do that,” Julie answered truthfully.

  “I was wondering if you’d be open to having coffee with me?”

  “Coffee?”

  “Um hum.” He said.

  “Like breakfast this morning?”

  His chesty grumble was sexy as hell. “Something like that,” he whispered so softly that her spine tingled.

  “I’m on my way to my temporary home-away-from-home. I can make you some coffee there, if you like.”

  “I’d like.”

  She gave him the address of the cottage. “Behind the main house, just drive past the open iron gate. You can park up front since the owners are out of the country, and I have barely enough room for my car.”

  When she drove up the gravel driveway, Luke’s Mustang was already outside the main house garage. He was leaning against the car, legs crossed at the ankles, his blue jeans generously endowed in the front, emphasizing his package. His thighs were easily the size of her waist, and the physique under the tucked-in black tee shirt stretched tight across his chest made her panties wet.

  And now she could see him following her car in the rear view mirror, just like she was honey and he was the bee. She stopped the car and turned off the ignition. The confident trajectory while he came toward her made her pant with anticipation.

  The niggling worries racing around her head were instantly silenced when he hauled her up out of the car, threw his arms around her waist, brought her tight against his abdomen, and covered her mouth with his. He was as dangerously delicious as he had been that very first night, and perhaps more so now that she knew what those muscles, those hands and those hips could dish out.

  “I wasn’t sure this was going to be okay with you,” he whispered.

  She leaned back in semi-shock, as if staring at a big, green third eye between his bushy eyebrows. “I’m making you coffee. What did you think?” She tried not to smile but couldn’t help it. He lifted her up by the waist as she threw her arms around his neck, wrapped her thighs around his hips and let him carry her to the front door.

  “I’ve been thinking about all the things I’ve wanted to do with you the last thirty days. Just not sure where to start.”

  She felt his hot lips on her neck as she threw her head back and savored his hunger. Yes, she needed this. Even if it the timing was wrong, she needed this tonight, just like she’d needed it on the beach that night, and needed it this morning. It wasn’t the sex as much as his strength. He wasn’t afraid to claim what he wanted, show her what he liked, unlike some of the metrosexual males she’d dated and endured fastidious movies or dinners with. This guy was all muscle, all about getting to the bottom, the basics of things, who fucked like it was the last day on earth and liked taking and then asking for forgiveness afterwards. She’d known guys like Luke were out there, she just had never met one until that night.

  And here he was again, asking for more.

  Their kisses were urgent and deep. She sucked at his tongue, needing everything he had to be inside her, filling her to capacity. He tasted salty and musky, but there was something fresh and exciting about him, like the taste of his mouth on hers would cause her to crave him more, the more she kissed him.

  He was serious sexual candy of the yummy, dangerous kind. When he groaned into her ear and whispered her name, “Julie, Julie, Julie,” she came completely undone. Bones to rubber, flesh upon tingling flesh, his sexy rumble while he penetrated her mouth, invading her like a conquering army.

  She slithered down his torso to unlock the door and walked backwards, watching the delicious creature facing her come stalking toward her in the moonlight. She was through with being careful, appropriate and considerate. She wanted to be loved by someone who was used to loving hard. Loving possessed. Claiming every cell in her body.

  He allowed her to stay just out of arm’s reach while she removed layers of her clothes, until she stood next to the double bed in nothing but her underwear. He didn’t touch her, but gazed, looking at the spot between her legs as if it belonged to him, licking his lips and examining her breasts and her lips while he slid his pants down and tore off his tee shirt. His chest was heaving. The dark stubble on his face framed lips that mated in a thin line while he licked them again, and smiled.

  “Coffee?” she asked, feeling a bit naughty.

  “Later. Much later,” he growled.

  The next instant he was on his knees, pulling the panties to the side urgently, whispering his approval as his mouth found her sex and swiped his, hot sandpaper
tongue over her sensitive lips, pressing onto her nub. He sucked as her body responded to his kiss, his pull at her puckered core, plump and ripe from the lovemaking of earlier this morning. Her need and ache were such that she grabbed his shoulders and then ran her nails down his back. He deftly placed his palm under her knee and lifted one leg up over his shoulder and lunged into her deeper, which sent her backward, falling into the bed.

  She laughed at his play. He climbed on top of her, holding himself with his massive arms in a straight, full-body pushup without touching her anywhere. But there was no mistaking the feel of his heat radiating down, covering her quivering nakedness.

  “You like things a little rough, Julie?” he asked, holding himself back.

  “I don’t know.” She didn’t, either. Her former dates and boyfriends were like wobbly-kneed boys on a basketball team, afraid of their own shadow. “What did you have in mind?”

  “Can I tie you up?” He was watching her to be sure there was enough of a green light to go forward.

  “Would you stop if I said no?”

  All of a sudden he flinched in pain, whirled off her body and sat on the edge of the bed with his back to her.

  What did I say?

  Into his hands he said, “I’m not ready for this.” He got up and collected his clothes, eyes averted.

  “Luke. Wait a minute.”

  “No, Julie. This won’t work. I’m not ready for this. I cannot be trusted.”

  She ran around to face him as he bent over to put his feet into his pants. Instinct told her it was best not to touch him or get too close. She could feel the boiling of something dark and oily within him, something caged he was trying not to release.

  The look he gave her shafted her heart with a javelin. His eyes squinted like they were standing in a sunny room—too sunny. But his jaw was tense. His soft, full lips were creased into a thin line and his breathing hitched. He held the tops of his jeans tight-fisted while he yanked them up and hauled the black T-shirt over his head.

  Julie knew she shouldn’t stop him. She knew that it wasn’t sex, or even compassion he needed tonight.

  It was distance.

  Chapter 13

  ‡

  Luke wasn’t as careful as he should have been when he exited the gravel driveway and headed out onto Warm Springs Road. He nearly collided with an SUV full of soccer players and a very scared mom behind the wheel. Her panic, splashed across him as his headlights lit them up, spurred him to overcorrect, nearly landing him in the ditch on the other side. But the soccer kids and their driver were safe.

  Smoke billowed from under the hood of his Mustang, and he thought he’d totaled it until he recognized the smell of burning rubber from his tires. The soccer mom was well on her way out of the area, honking a couple of times. He was sorry he’d nearly scared the poor woman to death.

  I’ve almost lost it.

  He was grateful he’d only had one beer at Nick’s house. Didn’t stay for the ice cream because—because—

  Because I wanted to fuck Julie senseless. He’d been so fixated on her that it had been the only thing on his mind when he left Nick’s place.

  He was suddenly out of options. And he knew he couldn’t be alone.

  He dialed Nick.

  “Oh, good, you decided to join us for ice cream after all,” Nick said.

  At first Luke just tried to restore his breathing.

  “Luke. You all right?”

  “No.”

  “Talk to me. Better yet, get your butt over here.”

  “Okay.”

  “But I gotta ask you, first. You packin’?”

  “No.”

  “I’m searching you before you step into my house, hear?”

  “I deserve that.”

  True to his word, Nick did a quick frisk to check for weapons before he unlocked his front door and let Luke inside. There had been an unfortunate incident last year where someone came home and shot up a Team guy’s family, and ever since then they’d been required to take protective action. Luke didn’t see a vest underneath Nick’s shirt, but he wasn’t sure.

  “Your keys.” Nick held out his hand.

  “I’m not giving you my fuckin’ keys.”

  “Then you go outside and kill yourself for all I care. Now quit messin’ with me and give me your God. Damned. Keys.”

  Luke surrendered his keychain.

  “So what happened?”

  “I don’t know, man. I’m just a mess.”

  “Alcohol or coffee?” Nick asked on his way to the kitchen. “You choose. But you’re not leaving here tonight, or if you do, you walk, understood?”

  “Not coffee. I need to settle down.”

  Nick pulled out four long-necked beers from the refrigerator, brought them over to the couch placing two on the glass table in front of Luke and two in front of his spot next to Luke.

  “So what happened, Luke? You went to see the girl…and?”

  “And I got spooked.”

  “Fuck sake, Luke. Now you’re pissing me off,” Nick said before taking a deep swig.

  “I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop. I wanted her, hard.”

  Nick was pensive. “I feel you.”

  “It was too hard.”

  “So you pulled away because you weren’t sure you’d be able to stop yourself from hurting her? Is that what you’re sayin?”

  Luke shrugged. The beer tasted good. He could almost feel the tissues in his stomach absorbing the alcohol. He was suddenly filled with unspeakable sadness. He looked away.

  “It’s the thing, Luke, not you. You’re going to have to work on it. I can see it in your face, the way you hold yourself, man. You got those peaks and valleys, the highs and then those awful lows. You have to form a practice to take care of it. And you’re not gonna want to do it, man. But it’s just like PT. Hell, it’s just like the BUD/S training. You don’t just fuckin’ stand there in your shorts and expect they’ll award you the Trident.”

  Luke had never thought about it that way. Nick was making some sense.

  “You’re gonna have to train yourself back to some place—I can’t call it normal, because there’s no fuckin’ normal out there. Just some place where you’ll feel you can trust yourself again. And only then is when you can trust someone else.”

  Luke did feel glimpses of what his life used to be like, and what it could be like again. Without all the dreams. Without the mood swings. And he didn’t want to be coping with life using a jar full of pills, either.

  “You gotta want to get well more than anything else in the world,” Nick said. “And you gotta stop trying to control it and just let it be. Quit dissing yourself for not being better. You’re wounded.”

  Luke didn’t like hearing that at all.

  Nick picked up on it. “Yeah, you don’t care for that label. Well, it’s not like you lost a leg or an arm or something. Part of your soul leaked out, and you’re gonna have to learn how to compensate.”

  Luke must have given him a puzzled look.

  “You’ll need help with that. Counseling. No shame in getting help. Just like in our training, no one gets through on his own. This is no different. Honest. I mean on my own, I was one sorry sonofabitch. I was headed nowhere, man.”

  He and Nick talked until two in the morning. They ran out of beer after the second six-pack was consumed, but Nick absolutely refused to allow them to go to the store for more. The point wasn’t to get drunk, either, so they didn’t open wine or get into Nick’s special stash of bourbon.

  “Just means it’s time to go to bed,” Nick said.

  He showed Luke to the downstairs bedroom, which had a fireplace and private bath. He got the fire started and then threw a towel at him. “Wash up before you sleep on my wife’s expensive sheets, okay?”

  They embraced briefly. Nick eyed him suspiciously. “You going to be all right? I’m not going to have to do anything heroic tonight, am I? I’m tired as hell.”

  “Thanks, man. Appreciate this.
”

  “And you sleep in tomorrow. Sleep is good for you. Got your pills?”

  “Nah, I’m not going to need them. I’ll take a shower and just crash.”

  “And no fuckin’ leaving until the morning, after breakfast, right?”

  “Right.”

  Luke stripped off his clothes for the second time tonight. He couldn’t help but remember watching Julie’s naked body beneath him as she anticipated a beautiful lovemaking session. He loved watching her need him. That’s what he saw there. And he wanted in the worst way to fill that need, scratch that itch. Just that it wasn’t right. It would have been like heaven, but that still didn’t make it right.

  He let the warm water sluice over his body. He lathered up with some lemon shower gel and then enveloped himself in the fluffy towel sheet that reminded him of how Julie would smell. Wrapping it around his waist, he walked barefoot into the bedroom.

  A sea of pillows covered half the bed. He carefully stacked them onto two overstuffed chairs nearby. Dropping the towel, he slipped between cool sheets and watched the even gas flame of the fire. He caught himself looking for answers in the golden flickering plumes, reminded himself it wasn’t the right place to find them.

  You have to treat this like a practice, Nick had said. Well, that’s one way of looking at it. He had never thought getting well was something someone would have to practice. He thought it was something you just had to wait and let your body do.

  He tucked his head back onto the firm pillows, watching the fire patterns on the ceiling dance back and forth. As his eyes closed, he heard the crack of an automatic, but was too tired to open them. Besides, his sleep was taking him to the noise, not away from it. He was back there. Blood on his hands. Camilla in his arms, the red liquid warm against his thighs. He realized he’d not remembered that she’d looked up at him.

  She watched him, her eyes, surprisingly, not full of pain. He could see she knew she loved him more than he loved her. He was doing the right thing, but his feelings for her weren’t as strong as his sense of duty and honor. His goal was to never allow her to feel unloved, even if he had to spend his life pretending. He would be a father to a child he hadn’t planned on raising, because it would make her happy.