The whole time I’d been working with Alex, I’d forgotten that I hated him. I’d forgotten how much he’d made me suffer. Instead, I’d become warm inside, no longer ice cold. I had to fight harder.
I reached for the sugar as Alex picked up some more of my notes. Our hands touched. For a second, I wanted to stay like that, the warmth of him searing through me.
I righted myself but the feeling of his body against mine stayed with me. I didn’t want that. I needed to cleanse myself of him. I was headed down a path to my own destruction. He buzzed me like an electric current.
I jumped up and put some money on the counter then headed outside into the fresh air.
Expecting Alex to follow behind me, I headed off down the laneway but, when I reached the main street, he was nowhere to be seen. I huffed and put my hands in my pockets. If I went back for him, it’d look like I gave a damn about him but I had no idea where I even was. The only parts of this town I’d seen were around the apartment and the club. I’d not had a chance to explore more. Well, I had but when I wasn’t rehearsing, Ferdie and I had been playing PS. I figured we were somewhere part way between the club and the rehearsal studio but I had no bearings.
I could get a cab home but I’d thrown all my money on the counter. I had no idea how much breakfast had even cost, just that I didn’t want Alex to pay for me.
If I knew where I was, I’d get home in no time. I’d shower and then I’d be me again, not this fake me who got shivers down her body at Alex’s touch.
Because I could do nothing else, I stomped my feet. Maybe I could work out my way back using Google Maps but, when I pulled out my phone, the damn page wouldn’t load and the map made no sense at all.
“What’s up?” said Alex, appearing beside me.
“I want to go home.”
“Home to the apartment or home home?”
My heart clenched. I wasn’t sure. Away from Alex home was what I wanted but the apartment was his. I’d need to go all the way back to my parents to get rid of him and that wasn’t possible. The sun was getting hot and I moved into the shade to think about this. Alex started walking, heading to the river, and I walked along beside him. More because that saved me the effort of thinking than because I wanted to.
Pete had said that if Jake hadn’t died, I’d still be all starry-eyed about Alex. I wondered. He did stir up all the entire soup of feels within. I had to admit to myself that my crush on him hadn’t ended, as much as I’d wanted to believe it had. But I’d put him on a pedestal for so many years. People always believed the worst of Alex, and he’d loved to cultivate that image. I’d thought I knew the truth: that he was so much more.
He never wanted to be seen as a spoilt, entitled rich kid. But, in the end, that’s what he’d been.
“Why didn’t you come to see me? Afterwards?” I asked.
I could barely get out the words, afraid of saying them. My belly dropped as I spoke.
“What good would that have done?” he replied. “Did you want me to ask for forgiveness? Even if I’d ask, if I’d gotten down on my knees and begged, would you have forgiven me? I know you, Dee, and I knew that you’d never forgive me. I’m not even sure I’ve forgiven myself.”
He started out across the river, lost within himself for a while. I thought about it. He was right. I’d have punched him and thrown things at him and maybe spat in his face, and still I’d have not forgiven him.
I’d never thought about his feelings. His feelings had never seemed worthy of consideration. I’d assumed he’d driven out of town without giving us a second thought. I didn’t want to soften in my feelings about Alex but it was hard to hold onto the anger when I saw him look so tortured.
Alex
I wanted to reach out to Dee, to hold her hand. She’d made the effort to be happy but those dark thoughts hadn’t disappeared, they had just been pushed aside. I’d never get her to trust me but I figured I could get her to smile a bit and take her mind off things.
If anyone could understand her, I could. The dark thoughts inside, I had the same ones. With her, everything showed so clearly on her face, while I kept things buried deep. There were things that Dee didn’t know, that’d I would put my life on the line to protect her from knowing and without revealing those things, she’d hate me forever.
Demons chased me, they haunted my dreams. I couldn’t even turn to drink. Not anymore. I’d have a few beers at the bar but I could never lose myself in the stuff. Not after that night. Sometimes I’d have moments, even days, where I forgot but those thoughts never disappeared completely. They were always at the back of my mind, a black cloud over any happiness.
The only time I could shake them off was when I was on stage, playing. Those were the only moments when I had any freedom from the past. And those moments could never last forever.
So, that’s why I stood beside Dee. Almost touching her hand, almost pulling her to me, but not quite. I’d never be the man she turned to.
The sun shone on her face, highlighting the glow in her eyes. In another life, we could’ve been together. The more time I spent with her, the more I realised that she was the woman I needed. It wasn’t just that she was drop dead gorgeous or that she had a body I ached to explore. It went so much deeper than that. I’d met thousands of gorgeous women, had sex with more than my fair share, but none of that lasted. Not one of them gave me as much pleasure as one of Dee’s rare smiles.
Would it even be fair to pursue her though? She would be better off if I was a thousand miles away from her. If I could get near to her, if I could break down that wall, I’d have to be worthy of being there.
“I’ve got to get to work,” I said. “Are you fine to get home from here?”
“Just point me in the right direction,” she said.
A million words floated in my mind to answer that but I bit my tongue.
“If you turn left at the second corner, you get to Trouble. You know the way from there, right?”
She nodded but didn’t move. The hesitation made me wonder what was going on with her.
I wasn’t lying about having to leave though. I had a rehearsal session with the guys. As I moved away, she grabbed my arm. For a moment, her face was turned to mine as though she expected me to kiss her. Her eyes held no shadows and my heart raced to hold her to me.
Hell. I had to restrain myself with every ounce of self-control I possessed.
“Thanks. For helping me, I mean. I think I have a handle on this now.”
“No worries,” I said, giving her a quick salute before leaving.
As I walked off, I willed myself not to look back at her.
I got to rehearsal and waited for Fabian. Hedley turned up about five minutes late but he’d at least sent a text to let me know. The two of us set up but Fabian still hadn’t arrived. I got out my notebook and thumbed through my notes. I didn’t like to chat before rehearsal. I know people thought I was cold but I had no desire to become best buddies with my band mates. We had a working relationship and I intended keeping it at that level. Hedley was pretty cool with that anyway. He was more interested in messing around with his drums than chatting.
After about half an hour, Fabian came in.
“Sorry I’m late.”
“You’re sorry?” I said. “You’ve just wasted our time. We don’t have the entire day to sit around waiting for you to decide we’re worthy to fit into your schedule.”
Fabian flushed. Good. I hoped he felt bad. I wanted him to feel bad. He’d fucked up and I was in no mood for dealing with his shit.
“I had car trouble…”
“And phone trouble?”
He shrugged. That just made me angry. I had no sympathy for his “car trouble”. If he couldn’t be professional, I’d get another bass player. I didn’t need him.
“I said I was sorry.”
“Don’t apologise, just don’t do it again. If you aren’t invested in this band then tell me now. I don’t have time for screwing around.”
&n
bsp; I really didn’t need this kind of pressure when we were so close to being picked up by a label. But then it was terrible timing to look for a new bass player too. Annoyance buzzed within me like a hive of bees and, while I knew it wasn’t all about Fabian, I needed him to stop fucking up.
“Sorry,” he said again.
I glared at him. The apologies just annoyed me more.
“Let’s get started,” I said, picking up my guitar.
We got through the first song okay but, when I decided I wanted to go through a few newer songs, Hedley seemed to be a beat behind.
“What’s with you today?” I snapped.
“Huh?”
“You’re the drummer. You are meant to have rhythm. In this life, that is the one and only thing you need to do. Surely you can manage that.”
It went on like that for the best part of an hour. I wasn’t sure if they were purposely trying to test me or just if I’d reached the limit of their competence.
“Look, if the material is too hard for you, just say.”
I wondered if I should throw a few solo numbers into the set. That would be a chance to spotlight my talent without them ruining it for me. Hell, if I got signed, I’d dump these guys as fast as I could if it meant getting to the next level. When I’d played with my old band, things had just clicked. There was no need to go into lengthy explanations about how I wanted the song played or any of that. We rehearsed, we had a laugh, and things came together.
Maybe Pete would be interested in joining me. I had no idea what Dee’s intentions were with her band but, if I had a solid contract and festival dates, he’d dump her in a heartbeat.
Only that would make her hate me even more. Hell, I’d do it in an instant to any other person in this business without the slightest qualm but she was the one person I couldn’t screw over.
“Okay, let’s do a run through of the set list for Saturday night and leave it at that.”
“How long will it take?” asked Hedley. “I’ve got to babysit my niece after rehearsal and I don’t want to be late.”
“Well, stop making mistakes and we’ll get through it faster.”
I could feel the resentment radiating in the room but figured it was better to let them look inside themselves to work out their issues than to say anymore.
When we were done, I packed up and got out of there, less than happy with the session.
“What’s up his arse?” I heard Fabian say as I left the room.
“Woman trouble, mate. It has to be.”
Dee
You’d think playing the club a second time would be less nerve-racking than the first. But you’d be wrong. The first time we’d played, we were the openers and no one was there to watch us. Now, we were top billing and, even though it was a Wednesday night, that was scary as hell. The pressure was on, too. Alex was generous and had laid it all on for us but that only went so far. If we hadn’t built a bit of a following after the four weeks, we’d have to pack up and go home. He’d made it clear that he expected to make a profit out of this.
“We need to do t-shirts,” said Pete. “Other bands have t-shirts. It’d make us more money.”
“Who’d buy them? And who’d front up the cash?” asked Ferdie.
“Well, I would. Since I’m the one with a job.”
I turned away. I’d meant to look for a job but we had enough money to be getting along on and it hadn’t seemed that urgent but Pete’s words pretty much implied that we were lazy bastards. He had regular shifts at the bar now and the two of us did nothing.
“If you want to organise it, then go ahead.” Ferdie was always happy to coast along.
I’d taken my makeup along, intending to get sorted at the club, since we had to hang around after sound check. It kinda bugged me that the guys could go on stage just wearing their everyday clothes, jeans and t-shirts, while I had to fuss around with makeup and an actual “outfit”. I liked getting dressed up but I didn’t see why it should be a prerequisite for going on stage. Sometimes I felt like just being casual and this was one of those times. I was tired and cranky.
I hauled my makeup case and outfit to the bathroom. My eyeliner didn’t want to stick to my eyelids and my foundation seemed to slide off my face. The more I mucked around with it, the more I screwed things up. In the end, I wiped off my whole face and started again.
Someone knocked on the door. There was only one toilet cubicle for backstage.
“I’m busy in here. Go use the toilets out front.”
The knocker grunted but he stomped off. That put the pressure on me, though. I didn’t want to seem like a princess, hogging the bathroom to pretty myself up.
The second time, I still didn’t look perfect but figured the smeared eyeliner look was rock. I added my killer red lipstick then tried to wiggle out of my clothes and into my dress without letting anything touch the floor, because I wasn’t sure how clean that toilet floor was.
My fishnets were the toughest bit. I stood on my runners and tried to balance myself to get them on.
Finally, I grabbed out my boots and pulled them on my feet. I was ready.
I walked into the change room.
Pete gave me a sweeping look.
“What?” I asked.
“If you want to get some interest in the band, you could show a bit more cleavage.”
I put my hands on my hips and glared at him. I was already a bit nervous about the skin-tight dress. I’d been feeling bloated all day.
“What the fuck, Pete? What the actual fuck? If you want interest, you show your own motherfucking cleavage. I’m a guitarist, not a stripper. I don’t see you and Ferdie getting all dressed up to play.”
Pete laughed and that made me angrier. “No one’s paying to see the two of us look hot. This is the real world, Dee. If you have a chick out front, people want to see tits.”
My rage made it impossible for me to answer that. Pete had been a total jerk lately and I wanted to wipe that smile right off his face. But then he stopped laughing and stared at the doorway behind me.
I turned and saw Alex standing behind me, glaring at Pete.
“You are so full of shit. Dee’s the one people will watch, not because she has tits but because she has the talent and the charisma. You’re expendable.”
Alex left and I sat down on the sofa at the other end of the room to Pete. A couple of guys from the opening band came in and chatted to him and Ferdie, while I played on my phone.
I was still fuming when we went on to play. Fuming at Pete for being a huge sexist jerk. He’d never been like that before, he’d been the one encouraging me to play guitar and all that. Had he been thinking about my tits the whole time?
I was also fuming at Alex. He might’ve thought he was jumping in to defend me but he didn’t need to do that. I could stick up for myself and I would guarantee that crack about Pete being expendable would get his back up. And he’d take that out on me, not Alex.
I walked out on stage to a mild cheer and, after plugging in my guitar, turned to the crowd with my biggest shit-eating grin. The only way out of this was through and I couldn’t deal with Pete until after we’d finished playing. I didn’t want to ruin our chances by seething.
“Hey, thanks for coming out to see us tonight,” I shouted to the room.
That got a bigger cheer.
We slammed into our first song. As soon as I started, all the resentments died away. All that nastiness disappeared. It was me and the music. Pete might be a jerk but I could count on him to be there with me on stage when I needed him. We were on fire. If people didn’t love this, I had no idea what else to do because we were giving them everything we had to give.
Alex stood to the side, watching us. Well, it seemed more like he was watching me. It made me uncomfortable, but then I’d done worse to him. I’d just ignore him and focus on someone else in the room. A random guy in the crowd. That focused my attention.
By the time we got a few songs into the set, I evaporated. I wasn’t eve
n aware of what I was doing. It was all part of me and outside of me at the same time. Whether we were fantastic or were shit, I had no idea.
Then, suddenly, it was the last song. I didn’t want the gig to end. I’d have played all night, until my fingers bled and I had no voice left. I just needed to be part of this.
The song finished and people screamed for an encore. People I’d not even realised were in the room. So many more than I’d ever expected. I wasn’t sure about the protocol, if we could even keep playing. I looked to the spot where Alex had been standing. He was still there and he gave a nod.
After conferring with Pete and Ferdie, we decided to do some of the old standards we’d been practising. It was either that or repeat some of our own songs because that’s all the material we had.
I walked off stage buzzing. It was like nothing I’d ever felt before. The world was a marvellous place and I was right in the centre of it. The music still flowed through my body, like it’d not stopped. I couldn’t stand still. I went to the bar to get a drink and was mobbed. It was a small mob, just a few people really, but they all raved about how wonderful we were.
When I got free of them, I searched around the room, not sure what I was looking for. Until I saw him. Alex.
Alex
The set had gone even better than I’d expected. In just the few weeks since they last played, Dee’s band had improved beyond recognition. The raw power remained but it’d become directed and focused. The band was more cohesive too. I’d made a smart decision.
By the end of the night, they’d won the crowd over. Dee was the woman every man fantasised about. Pete had been an idiot, telling her to show more cleavage. Any fool could see that she had the perfect balance, hot but with a certain aloofness at the same time. She didn’t need to flaunt it or work it too hard. Just the way she swung her hips as she played or the way she gazed out at the audience was enough to make every man hard.
As she moved away from the bar, she caught my eye. For once, she didn’t look away. She walked towards me but Sally intervened, wanting to talk to me about the bands.
Rock Revenge_Alex's Story Page 7
