“Hey, want to know some other exciting news? Gina’s pregnant.”
“To Jackson?”
“Of course to Jackson, you dick. Who else?”
I didn’t really think Gina’s pregnancy was on the same scale as my band getting signed but, since I’d been trying to downplay my success, I couldn’t really bring up the deal again. I’d really been expecting everyone else to make a fuss for me, so I could be the one who was cool and unaffected.
Before I could say anymore, Dee walked in. My breath caught in my chest. Even if I told myself that I needed to stay away from her, my body had an entirely different response. The sight of her was like a punch in the guts.
There was something different about her. I was so used to seeing the rock side but she seemed somehow softer than usual. The eyeliner was less intense, the clothes less black. Was the change in image because of me? I didn’t see what she hoped to achieve with it.
I tried to fade back into the shadows of my corner, wanting to observe her unnoticed.
“How’s the new job going?” Carlie asked.
She seemed to have gotten awfully friendly with Carlie in such a short time. That would make sense. Violet had been Carlie’s best friend but she’d left the club months ago and, since Gina and Jackson had gotten together, Jackson had quit drinking, so they rarely came into the place. The absence of Jackson always left a hole at the bar, a sense that something was missing. He’d propped up the bar for so many years.
Anyway, that would’ve left Carlie without many friends. And Dee had a job?
“You know, it’s a job. It pays the bills.”
“Do you get free clothes?” Carlie asked.
“Not really but if you come in, I’ll get you a discount. We’ve got these fantastic boots in stock at the moment.” She raised her leg to show them to Carlie. Then caught sight of me and lowered it again.
“Hi,” I said. I wasn’t sure if I should say anything to her but figured it’d look weird if I didn’t.
She nodded her head. “I should get upstairs to sound check.”
She smiled but that smile was directed at Carlie, not at me. I would not go upstairs and watch them. I’d ignore the sound check and I’d ignore them playing. Knots tied in my stomach but I’d ignore them too. I had important things to do. I’d go home and read over the contract again, rather than give her one thought.
Dee
Even with the stupid woman coming in five minutes before closing and wanting to try on everything in the store, I still made it to rehearsal on time. Maddie, the other girl I worked with, said she’d do close up, and I ran like the wind.
I’d intended to find work in a cafe when I started job-hunting but, when I’d seen the sign up in this shop, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask. It was actually the awesome pair of cowboy boots in the window that had caught my eye. That was love at first sight. Thinking if I got the job, I’d get a discount on the boots, I walked in full of swagger.
The owner had been so cool.
“You’ve got no retail experience but you look the part, so come in Tuesday and start work.”
The place was dangerous, though. Dangerous to my wallet. There were about fifteen t-shirts I wanted to buy and a bunch of dresses. I’d gotten the boots with my first pay cheque.
The owner, Bindi, had warned me to go easy on the rock chick look.
“We want to be alternative but not scarily so. If some kid from the suburbs wants to come in and spend their money here, we want to make it easy for them. Cool, but not unobtainable cool,” She’d smiled and I totally got what she meant.
I arrived at the rehearsal studio, out of breath from the run. When I got into the place, I saw no sign of Pete and Ferdie. Damn it, I could’ve run a bit slower and not gotten so hot and sweaty.
There was sound coming from the other room. Shit, Alex was here. I could wait for the guys outside. That would avoid any awkward meetings.
After seeing Alex in the bar the other night, I couldn’t help but look for him at our gig. I was sure he’d be there and I’d prepared my attitude, cold and aloof. Not giving him the time of day. That would be me. Once I’d started playing though, all thoughts of Alex were long gone. The buzz of being on stage drove all that away. It was only afterwards that I realised he hadn’t been there. All that carefully prepared attitude had gone to waste.
Before I got outside, I heard voices. Pete and Alex. My heart jumped. Was Alex here to see me? I smoothed my hair. The guy obviously couldn’t pick up a phone but he’d manoeuvre his way into my life.
“Thanks for that,” Alex said to Pete. “You managed to get the sound just the way I wanted it.”
“Any time, mate.”
Huh? Pete had been playing with Alex? Was Alex intending to steal my band? The two of them had become best buddies again and Pete stuck up for Alex every time I said something bad about him. Of course, Pete didn’t know what had happened in Sally’s office.
“What’s going on?” I glared at Pete, not even wanting to acknowledge Alex with my eyes.
“Alex asked me to help him out with some stuff.”
“Oh, Alex asked you. Well, that’s fine.”
I was going to storm into the rehearsal room but Alex caught hold of me.
“It’s just a one-off. Don’t get worried.”
His hand was on my arm. I was so aware of his hand on my arm. I couldn’t bring myself to shake it off but I didn’t want it there. I wanted it anywhere but on my body.
I raised my eyebrows. “Oh, because trusting you has worked out so well in the past.”
This rehearsal studio wasn’t big enough. It was filled with Alex. Even when he wasn’t around, I could smell his cologne and notice touches of him. As soon as the cash from my job started rolling in, I’d get another rehearsal space. All part of my easing away from Alex plan.
Alex dropped his hand but he still stood close enough that his body almost brushed against mine.
“Alex just wanted me to fill in on a demo track he’s putting together. It’s not a big deal.”
“Yeah, well, Pete, you were the one who dragged me into this whole band thing. If you want out, let me know. There are plenty of other bass players in the world.”
“It’s just one track, Dee. Don’t get hysterical.”
I backed away from Pete. Since he’d been hanging out with Alex, his whole “nice guy” facade had really fallen. I wasn’t sure if it was because Alex had some hold over him. I did know that we were small fish and Alex was a much bigger fish, maybe even a barracouta. If Pete got the chance, he’d ditch me for Alex in no time.
“I’m not hysterical,” I told him. “I just like to know what’s going on.”
“You really need to be a bit nicer to Alex.”
“Nicer? I think I’ve been nice enough. Considering.”
Pete tried to touch me, to calm me down but I recoiled.
“You’ve been a bitch to him, Dee. Alex isn’t the bad guy you make him out to be. And Jake sure wasn’t that saintly. If you knew the truth, you’d not be so harsh.”
Alex didn’t move but an energy came off him, something that made me turn toward him, and I saw him wince. How could he make me want to comfort him at a time like this? It was hard enough to shore up my hate against him. Luckily, I had Sally to help me out.
Pete grinned at Alex, but Alex just grimaced.
“That’s enough,” he said to Pete.
There was a weird tension between them. I think Pete wanted a pat on the back for taking Alex’s side but Alex didn’t want that. For someone who tried to avoid any of the blame, it surprised me that Alex didn’t align himself with Pete.
“No. Tell me. Tell me how it was Jake’s fault that a van, in which he was a passenger, rolled down an embankment and killed him.”
“Why wasn’t Jake driving, Dee? Ask yourself that. If Alex was so shit-faced, why didn’t Jake drive?”
“Probably because Alex was being a giant douche.”
Alex had a weird look on his
face, hurt and twisted. It wasn’t just from me calling him a douche, because I’d done that often enough. I’d never questioned why Alex had been driving the van. Only, Jake rarely drank, as far as I knew. Alex never drank now but he used to hit it hard.
“Pete is just causing trouble, don’t worry about it,” Alex said. He smiled at me. I didn’t want his smiles. I didn’t want his sympathy. He was dangerous and I’d never let him close enough to infect me again. I was in Alex quarantine.
“Listen, mate, why should she make you out to be the villain? Tell her the truth.”
“I shouldn’t have been driving that van. Dee knows it and I know it. Everything else is irrelevant.”
The air in the room became charged with emotion, too many unasked questions. What was going on with these two? Did I even want the answers to those questions? The friendliness between Alex and Pete fizzled, on Alex’s side, at least. It seemed like Pete thought he was doing Alex a favour, but it was a favour Alex didn’t want.
“Hey, guys, I’ve got rehearsal pizza!” Ferdie walked in carrying two pizza boxes.
The smell hit me, clearing the air. We had rehearsal to do and I wouldn’t let anything Pete or Alex said interfere with that. I just wanted things back to normal with the guys and, when I turned back to Alex, he’d gone. I’d meant to ask him about Jake’s songs too.
Alex
Pete should learn to shut his big mouth. I’d never tell Dee what had happened that night. She should keep the pristine image of Jake she carried with her. He was dead and there was no point stirring up shit now.
Jake had never been the person she’d thought he was. There are things you don’t do around your kid sister and, as much as she’d hung around rehearsal, she’d been too young to go to most of our gigs. Jake loved the rock lifestyle, that much was true. Living in a small town, he’d been careful about his image at home. Gossip spread fast and he liked being seen as squeaky-clean. When we hit the road though, in towns where no one knew him, that all changed.
It was nothing terrible, nothing a million people hadn’t done before him. If some girl approached him after the gig, happy to put out for him, he never objected.
“Drugs, sex and roll ‘n’ roll, I’m living the dream,” he’d say.
That night, I’d been sitting in the bar waiting for him after we’d played. Two girls cornered him at the bar, both offering to blow him. He’d been happy to oblige. He gave me the thumbs up, then took them backstage.
Pete went with them, maybe hoping to get seconds. I wasn’t sure who’d done what. I had no intention of sticking around to watch, that’s for sure. I was more interested in the booze.
Earlier in the day, I’d had a fight with my dad. The usual thing. He wanted me to quit the band, it took too much of my time. It’d been fine when I fit it in around my studies but since I’d graduated, he wanted me to get serious about life. I’d told him to go to hell, then stormed out of the house. That’d fuelled a lot of angst on stage but left me wiped out.
I wasn’t much into the groupies anyway. Not the ones who made it too easy. I’d been knocking the bourbon back hard, figuring one of the others could drive home.
Then the girls invited us all to a party. There was some fuzzy discussion about the logistics of it.
“Come on, mate,” said Jake. “It’ll be fun.”
He was wrecked, totally wrecked. There’d been more than just sex going on backstage. His pupils looked like pin holes and he buzzed with energy, not able to stay still. It wasn’t the first time. I never touched drugs. Never wanted to fuck with my head. But if the other guys wanted to and it didn’t affect their playing, that was their business. Jake had been getting pretty close to the line a few times but mostly it was after we played.
They hadn’t done an alcohol reading on me after the crash. My parents made sure of that. But they hadn’t done a toxicology test on Jake either. If they had, his clean image would’ve taken a battering.
“We have thousands of dollars of gear in that van. I’m not leaving that outside some stranger’s house. Especially in a town like this.”
I might’ve been drunk but I wasn’t stupid, and I sure as hell didn’t want to be going back to my father, asking for more money for gear. I didn’t want him to have that kind of hold over me. I had my degree, like he’d asked, now I wanted to get as far away from my parents as possible.
Pete added his pleading to Jake’s, and I’d almost been persuaded, until Jake started vomiting.
“Take him outside,” the barman told us. “In fact, get him well away from here.”
By the time we got Jake outside, he was doubled over with stomach cramps. Steve and I had to support him, because he couldn’t walk himself.
“Fuck, he’s overdosing,” Steve said.
I’d thought the same but hadn’t wanted to voice it. We sat him down on the ground, leaning on the van. Pete paced, while Steve took Jake’s temperature with the back of his hand.
“Everything okay?” someone asked, as they walked through the car park.
“Yeah, fine,” I replied, moving to hide Jake from view.
There’d been a few industry people checking out the band and I wasn’t sure if they’d left yet. If they’d seen Jake like that, our careers would be dead before they started.
There was also a whole posse of fans from our hometown who followed us from gig to gig. Normally, they were pretty cool about keeping their mouths shut but this was something I wanted no one to know about.
Steve had his phone out.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Calling an ambulance, mate. We can’t leave him like that.”
“He’s fine,” Pete said. “Messed up but he just needs some fresh air and he’ll be right. No need to get other people involved.”
I should’ve stepped in there and backed Steve up. My hazy mind couldn’t really process it. Maybe Pete was right. Maybe Jake did just need fresh air and, if we called the ambos, everyone would end up knowing what happened. He’d be in the local hospital. My parents would find out and do everything in their power to dismantle the band. Jake’s parents would find out and freak. His kid sister would be devastated. If we could keep this quiet, then that was the best option all round.
Jake groaned and vomited again.
Pete put his arm around my neck and brought his other finger to his lips.
“Got to keep it quiet, mate. Shhh.”
I nodded. We both were thinking the same thing.
In some crazy, messed up conversation, we’d decided I’d take Jake in the van to the party. Pete and Steve would go in the car with the two chicks – they had a tiny chick car that’d only fit four people, tops. Plus, we didn’t want them seeing Jake until he’d gotten sorted.
“That’s it, spew it all up,” Steve kept saying.
I’d take the van and we’d follow them to the party. They lived in the next town over, about twenty minutes’ drive away. With the windows down, Jake would get all the fresh air he needed.
“Fuck, Pete, I shouldn’t be driving.”
Steve didn’t have a licence.
“The van’s stick though and I can only drive automatic.”
That was bullshit, and Pete denied saying it later on, but I remember clear as a bell. That’s why I drove. If I’d been sober, I’d have realised that Pete had driven the van before.
Everything made sense at the time. But it was all filtered through a drunken blur, things made sense that shouldn’t have done.
So, I’d downed a black coffee from the nearest convenience store and got in the van. Windows down, music pumping loud to keep me awake. All the usual tricks.
Jake slumped in the passenger seat. I had to keep shaking him to make sure he was breathing, until the snoring started. I figured if he could snore, he must be okay. I turned the music down then.
Keep snoring, mate, I mumbled to myself. Just keep snoring.
The coffee hadn’t made a crack in the fog around me, but I was fine to drive, I thoug
ht.
Then Jake stopped snoring and I tried to shake him again.
Everything happened in a blur. There was a moment of, “OH FUCK!” then a falling sensation. Everything happened so fast, yet like it was in slow motion too. I pumped the brakes, hoping for I don’t know what, since we were rolling. There was no road to get traction on.
I blacked out for a while, but remember trying to escape, being unable to undo my seat belt. Jake’s face was covered in blood. It didn’t look like him but some weird distortion, a photo with a crazy filter over it.
We were in the car together for what seemed like an eternity. Jake didn’t regain consciousness, but the noise he made was horrifying, like he’d been broken inside. I couldn’t help him; I could barely help myself. I needed to unlatch my seatbelt and find my phone.
It’d been in the console but must’ve gone flying when we crashed. I’d held onto the thought that, if I couldn’t find my phone, eventually Steve and Pete would come back looking for us. They never did.
Finally, I loosened the seat belt enough to wiggle out of it and located my phone.
By that time, Jake had stopped making any noise at all. I told myself he’d just blacked out again. It was better that way. He could escape the pain. I lied to myself because I couldn’t accept the truth.
And that was it. In that moment, a few seconds of distraction, Jake’s life had ended. I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t pay someone to make it not happen. I sure as hell couldn’t turn back the clock. All I could do was live with that mistake which had ruined so many lives. I no longer got close to people. I couldn’t let them in because of this curse I carried with me.
I had that cloud and I had the nightmares that stopped me from sleeping. Maybe, in the course of a three-minute rock song, I could lose myself. That was the best I could hope for, moments of oblivion. I’d thought I could find absolution with Dee but that was a sham. Even if it were possible, I didn’t deserve absolution. I’d live with this because I had to. That was my fall out.
So no, I didn’t want Pete telling Dee the truth about what happened. What would that buy me? I’d still not be forgiven. I wouldn’t get peace and I couldn’t get free. It’d only make her hurt and, if I could take a bit of pain to ease hers a little, so be it. It was a sacrifice I had to make.
Rock Revenge_Alex's Story Page 10
