by Peggy Webb
She got out of bed and her head started spinning the minute her feet hit the floor. Half-stumbling, half-running she got to the bathroom then leaned over the toilet. When she was finally able to stand up she’d emptied herself of everything except rage.
How dare David Lassiter hug her and kiss her as if he were presenting his heart and soul, then walk away as if nothing had happened? How dare he come into her bed of his own free will and make love to her as if he planned to cherish her forever, then act as if nothing important had taken place between them? How dare he reel her son in with race cars and songs about Blueberry Hill, then pull a vanishing act? How dare he be Papa’s hero?
Elizabeth was so mad she kicked the footstool, then ran howling to her closet and slammed the door twice. Hard. She’d didn’t care who heard. She’d like to do the same thing to David Lassiter. Slap some sense into him. Hard.
Her rage lasted all of five minutes, then she crumpled to her bed and buried her face in the pillow and cried until she was faint.
Betrayed. That’s how she felt.
David had given her the moon, then taken it away. He’d made promises he didn’t keep because isn’t that what it means when you take a woman to her bed and share your body heart and soul with her, that the two of you are joined in some magical way that lights up all your insides and makes the universe more beautiful?
She knew she was a throwback to a more innocent era, probably because of Papa and Mae Mae’s influence, but her night with David had not been a casual thing. She’d entrusted herself to his care. She’d breathed a deep sigh of relief for here, at last, she’d recaptured her dream.
How could he be so callous? How could he take something that momentous lightly?
She could rationalize and give him just motives from now till the cows came home but the bottom line was this: he dropped her and she broke.
And so, broken, she lay in her bed mourning until the connecting door creaked open. “David?” She sat up with hope reborn for that’s how hope is. No matter how hard you try, you can’t stomp it out, kick it out, scream it out, cry it out. It just keeps coming back.
“Mommy!” Nicky launched himself at her, then cuddled close with Bear and confided in a whisper, “Me an’ Bear sleeped wif’ David ‘cause Bear got scared.”
Elizabeth wrapped her arms around her son and held on, giving comfort but receiving it, too. “Mae Mae used to sing to me when I got scared.”
“Sing that song ‘bout bringin’ in the sheeps,” he said, and she began to sing the old familiar hymn, “Bringing in the Sheaves.”
o0o
Elizabeth’s song drifting through the door exerted a force like gravity, and David had to go all the way to the barn to escape its pull. He stayed away from the house all day, stayed away until he had a crowd to use as a buffer.
Nicky’s birthday party was in full swing when he returned. Elizabeth was across the room. The smile that started in her eyes when she saw him died before it ever got to her lips.
She knew. David was relieved that she did, relieved that he didn’t have to say anything to her, didn’t have to point out the obvious, and if she thought him a coward because of it that was mild to what he thought of himself.
David was spared the pain of saying to her, I can’t do this. I can’t be your hero.
Their connection was so strong she could read his thoughts simply by looking. And he could read hers. That was the thing. Standing all the way across the room from her, David knew she was processing his withdrawal, screaming a denial, then finally saying, okay, that’s it then.
Elizabeth turned her back to him, and he wanted to scream, I didn’t mean it. I take it all back.
Instead, he let her go. Instead he smiled at Nicky and said, “When do we get to sing Happy Birthday?”
Chapter Thirty-five
“Farm life agrees with you Thomas.”
“Can’t say the same thing for you, Fred. Bet you’re not eating a thing but honey buns since I’ve been gone.”
“You’d be surprised at what I’m eatin’ these days.” Fred turned his face up to the sun, looking smug.
There were flower gardens all over the property, better than any park Thomas had ever seen, and all sorts of benches. Plenty for Fred to have his own bench if he wanted to, but no he had to crowd Thomas and sit on the same bench.
Still, it was familiar and comforting, this ritual they had, sitting side by side yapping at each other while Nicky played with McKenzie’s dogs nearby.
“If you think I’m goin’ to rise to the bait, you’re mistaken, Fred Lollar.”
“Ain’t no bait, just the facts. Didn’t you notice who rode down here with me, or are you goin’ blind in your old age?”
Thomas snorted. “You mean Quincy? She didn’t look any too happy about the arrangement if you ask me.”
“I ain’t askin’, you old doofus. I’m tellin’. That there is one mighty fine woman, even if she is pricklier than a porcupine. She’s been bringin’ me fried chicken ever’ Wednesday night. Yessir, that woman’s got the hots for me, even if she don’t know it yet.”
“When’s the weddin’, Fred?”
Fred snorted. “Who said anything about a weddin’? I’m talking livin’ in sin.”
Thomas smiled. Fred did love a good joke.
As for Thomas, he’d be content to live out the rest of his days here. Would that be too much to ask? Of course, chances were looking mighty slim what with David rushing off like a sore-tailed cat after the party and Elizabeth moping around the house. With Fred chattering away on his left and the sun warming his shoulders, Thomas tried to strike up another silent bargain with God.
Now I know I’ve been pestering You, God, but I’m gettin’ mighty tired. It’d suit me to head on home right now, but I can’t leave while Elizabeth needs me. I wonder if You could speed up that lawsuit a bit? And while You’re at it, I wonder if it’d be too much to ask if You’d give Elizabeth somebody to take care of her and Nicky after I’m gone?
o0o
Quincy and Fred spent the night and left early the next morning. After Elizabeth had bid them goodbye, she went to find McKenzie in the barn where the two of them sat talking until lunch, McKenzie spinning yarns about David that Elizabeth wove into a tapestry of hope. How could she not? A man who believed in the souls of hawks surely believed in love, didn’t he?
And in the long afternoon after Nicky and McKenzie and Papa piled into the car and went into town to see a matinee, Elizabeth went into the library looking for a book to read. So much wisdom collected in a single place. Maybe if she sat there long enough she’d become wise by osmosis. And when all this was over and the time came to say goodbye, she’d be like Solomon, and nobody would ever be hurt by her actions again.
But what if she made the same mistakes again? What if she hadn’t learned a single thing from the past?
She went outside so she could breathe. Perched on a wrought iron chair she shut herself off to everything except the sound of her breath moving in and out, in and out. She felt like the same scared little girl who used to run to Mae Mae.
“What am I going to do, Mae Mae?” she whispered. “What’s to become of all of us?”
“Elizabeth.”
She nearly jumped out of her chair, for there was David standing in the doorway and she hadn’t heard a single thing, not the creaking of the door, not a single footstep. He’d come without advance notice, and she hadn’t had the tiniest inkling, not the smallest warning had whispered through her mind.
“I’m sorry I startled you.” He moved toward the chair opposite her, then changed his mind and went to stand beside the stone wall. Nervous.
If she were a true lady like Mae Mae she would have tried to put him at ease, but she guessed she wasn’t. Not tonight, anyhow. She was a hurt little girl who didn’t understand why she couldn’t even have this one simple thing: a soul mate who would always be there to pick her up when she fell.
The bad thing was, she was selfish, to boot. What
woman in her right mind would be thinking about her own personal loss when her whole family was hanging in the balance?
“Why are you here, David?”
Add rude to her list. This was his house.
“It’s over, Elizabeth. Joseph called to tell me the Belliveaus have dropped the lawsuit.”
Elizabeth couldn’t speak. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t do anything except sit with her shoulders slumped as if the burden were still there, as if she couldn’t quite believe that it was okay to drop it on the ground and walk away.
“Everything’s going to be all right, Elizabeth.”
Mae Mae used to tell her that, and it had always offered comfort, but tonight she was weeping so hard she thought she might break. She probably would have if David hadn’t been there to hold her together. Who’s going to hold her together now?
You are, Mae Mae said. You’re going hold yourself together, Elizabeth Jennings, and don’t you forget it.
She sat up and wiped her eyes with her hands. David pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket, and she smiled and said, “Thank you,” and he said , “You’re welcome.”
Suddenly it hit her like the sky falling on her head that the terrible threat of losing Nicky was truly over. All at once she felt her blood moving through her body, she felt her own skin and her own bones. She could hear her heart beating. She could see the wings of humming birds and the pulsing throats of robins and the shapes of clouds and the greening of grass. She could hear the songs of bees and the call of cicadas and the tiny violin music of grasshoppers as they rubbed their legs together in summer glee.
All the simple pleasures lost to her the day they’d taken Nicky presented themselves once more, shining and new, and she swore that as long as she lived she would never take them for granted again. She would embrace life. She’d collect dew from the petals of roses and savor the taste of cold milk poured from a stoneware pitcher and eat all her ice cream before a single drop escaped down the cone. She’d absorb great opera and dance to the rhythms of exotic drums and learn all the verses of the hymns Mae Mae used to sing.
“You’re so quiet, Elizabeth. Are you all right?”
“Yes. I was just thinking.”
Words wanted to tumble out of her. She wanted to tell David everything she’d discovered in the last few minutes. But she was suddenly shy with him. Their lives had shifted, their roles changed, and she didn’t know her new lines.
Everything around her took on a surreal quality, the roses trailing over the stone wall, the magnolia tree, the sun, even David. She felt as if she were in the middle of a movie, one of the old black and white classics, posing for one of the scenes that would be subtitled The family breaks up. If it had subtitles.
Maybe life would be easier if it came with subtitles, and then when you got confused you could look down and see something like She mourns another loss and then say to yourself, Oh, so that’s the why I’m sad.
She was happy and sad at the same time, and maybe that’s the way she was supposed to be.
“I know this is a happy time for you, Elizabeth. It must also be a bit frightening. Change often is. But I don’t want you to worry. You can stay here as long as you like. You don’t have to make any major decisions yet. Take some time off. Travel. You can go anywhere in the world. You can afford it.”
Wait a minute, she wanted to say. Stop that.
David was moving too fast into the future. She wasn’t ready to leave the present. She wanted to sit and savor it. She wanted to share the wonderful news with her son and her grandfather and not think of anything except the tears in Papa’s eyes and the joy on Nicky’s face.
She wanted to catch David’s hand and hold on, hold on tight and not let go.
“I appreciate that, David. I really do.”
She touched his hand and noticed how long his fingers were and how squared-off his nails looked and how the total impact was one of enormous strength and great capability. She touched him and held on.
She didn’t know how long they stayed that way, holding hands and not speaking except with their hearts. Hers was saying thank you over and over again. It was also saying I don’t want to leave while his was saying goodbye.
The fact was, she was in a safe place and she wanted to stay there forever. She didn’t want to make decisions that affected two other lives. She didn’t want to be responsible anymore. She wanted to lay down her burdens, hand over the reigns, climb into David’s lap and say, here, it’s all yours.
“I can never thank you enough for all you’ve done for me and my family, David. We’ve intruded in your life long enough. We’ll leave tomorrow.”
She left him then, just walked into the house not looking back, not daring.
Chapter Thirty-six
Up until the time Elizabeth stood in the doorway with her packed bags all around her, David had fooled himself into thinking she’d change her mind at the last minute. He’d never in his life been the least bit fanciful, and yet for the last few hours he’d done nothing except imagine miracles for himself.
None of them had come true, of course, and now he was standing beside Elizabeth with his heart hurting and his hand clutching a piece of paper that would make this separation final.
She was leaving to start her life anew. Fresh starts are easy for the young. There’s so much time ahead of them. They’re like kites with a full spool of string, spinning out toward the sky in gleeful abandon, oblivious to the currents that can send them crashing toward the earth.
He pictured Elizabeth flying away from him, slowly at first, still attached, occasionally dipping back toward the farm to see if he were still there, then higher and higher until she broke loose and he could see nothing but the empty spool lying on the ground.
“You take care of yourself now, Elizabeth,” he said. “Call me if you need me.”
“We’ll be fine.”
“Well, then...” He couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye. Instead he thrust the annulment papers into her hand. “Here are the papers I promised.” He couldn’t even bring himself to say annul. “You can look over them when you have time. All they require is your signature. I can take care of the rest.”
“Thanks,” she said, then slid them into her purse without so much as a glance.
They stood staring at each other as if their feet had taken root, and might have stood that way until a lightning bolt split them apart if Nicky hadn’t run down the stairs and held up his arms.
“Give me a ‘bye hug,” he said. Then he squeezed David hard around the neck and made humming sounds.
“‘Bye, pal. You be good. Take care of your Mommy.”
“Okay.” Nicky leaned back and cocked his head to one side, thoughtful. Then he thrust Bear into David’s hand. “He’ll make you all better. Don’t squeeze him. He’s real.” Leaning close he said in a stage whisper, “Will you still be my guard John angel?”
“I’ll try.”
Papa shook hands, then he and Nicky climbed into the red Cherokee and left David standing in the bright sunlight with Elizabeth. It occurred to him that he had lived too long in shadow, too long with survivor’s guilt, too long with fear. While he’d sought absolution for sins he hadn’t even committed, redemption had slipped through his fingers.
“Goodbye, David.” Elizabeth stood on tiptoe and kissed him with a tenderness almost beyond bearing. “You’re my guard John angel, too,” she said, and then she followed her son down the steps while David stood on the porch and watched her drive away.
“I can’t believe you let her go.” McKenzie appeared at his side. “You love her, David. Why didn’t you try to keep her?”
“The point is not to hang on, but to let go. She has to love me back, McKenzie. Of her own free will.”
o0o
Elizabeth focused on the road and what she was moving toward rather than what she was leaving behind. The land flattened out and opened up so wide you could hardly tell where the earth left off and the sky began. A few gray clouds scutt
led about trying to find enough support to set up a cloudburst. It looked like the sky might be gearing up to cry.
She just kept on driving. Women have always known how to stay busy to keep from weeping. Mae Mae had told her that once. She’d said that the only way she’d survived Papa being off at war was to start scrubbing floors the minute she got up. When that work ran out she’d move on to the next thing until it got dark and she was so tired she was practically asleep on her feet.
“Then I’d fall into bed and start all over in the morning. That’s how you survive the bad times, Elizabeth. You just keep moving.”
She looked across the seat at Papa who had walked beside her every step of the way from the time she’d left Tunica in disgrace to the time the Belliveaus had taken Nicky to the time they’d packed up their belongings and moved down to David’s farm.
Here she was on her pity pot, but not once had he ever complained. Not once had he ever said, Wait a minute, what about me?
He was so fragile she could see the pattern of bones through his loose skin. Already she could see angels sitting on his shoulders. Didn’t he deserve a dream before he died?
That’s exactly what she was going to give him. It had come to her in the middle of the night while she paced the floor thinking about the future. She didn’t like to think too much about what lay in store for her. It scared her. There’s so much at stake when you have others depending on you.
Instead she’d concentrated on what lay in store for her Papa, and what she could do to make his last years good ones. Glancing out the window she saw how the heavy farm machinery turned the rich black earth and how some of it escaped into the air and floated across the road as if it were rising up to meet them, as if it were saying, hello, welcome home.
“Where’re we headed?” Papa asked, suspicious.
“To the Delta, Papa.”
