by R. Linda
I didn’t have anything to do with my parents. I grew up taking care of myself because they decided they weren’t ready for kids. I spent more time at friends’ or neighbours’ houses, and every holiday I jumped on a train and headed out here to spend time with Leanne and Steve. The day I graduated high school was the last time I spoke to either of my parents. I packed up my few belongings, found a job, and then went to uni. Uncle Steve didn’t even talk to my dad anymore, his own brother. No one would say why, but I thought it was all to do with me. My childhood sucked, but it could have been much worse. At least I had a roof over my head, clothes that fit, and food in the cupboards.
We sat there, Audrey’s tears soaking into my shirt until she couldn’t cry any more.
“Sorry. Sometimes it’s hard, you know? So many things remind me of them, and it really hurts.” She sat straight and wiped her red-rimmed eyes.
“I know. I’m sorry, cupcake. But don’t you think you should try? Get it over and done with. You have to go back to school next week. This can be a practice run. I think your dad would want that.”
She folded her arms and turned to stare out the window. Great. The silent treatment.
“You know I’m right, Audrey. You’re not going to make it next week if you can’t leave my car now.” I reached over and touched her shoulder gently, but she shrugged me off and pulled away. Sighing, I continued. “I’ll be with you the whole time. We’ll sit in a corner, you can put your back to the entire room so no one sees you should they happen to come inside.”
Audrey shook her head.
“Please. I’ll do anything you want if you come inside with me and have dinner. Anything,” I pleaded. I needed to get her out of the car and somewhere she risked being seen. There’d be no hiding next week at school, and she couldn’t even face Johnny alone in the diner. What chance did she have facing the entire school? I understood that it brought back memories and the pain associated with them, but she would never fully recover if she didn’t try. I couldn’t imagine her family would want to see her like this, existing but not living.
“Anything?” She straightened her back and looked at me with one raised eyebrow. There was the optimism I was looking for, though that thought worried me too.
“Anything.” I nodded, watching her face for a reaction. I’d buy her whatever she wanted, help her with her homework, bring her rainbow cupcakes every day, if she just got out of the damn car and walked inside.
She chewed on her bottom lip and twisted her hands in her lap nervously but still managed to hold eye contact with me. “Take me away.”
“Wh-what?” I choked out, not expecting that answer. She couldn’t seriously want to leave the Kellermans’. My aunt and uncle adored her and wanted the best for her.
Seeing the look on my face, she shook her head. “Forget it. I want to go home, Brody.”
“No. Where do you want to go?”
“Home.”
“No, not now. Away. You said take me away. Where?”
“It doesn’t matter. It was a stupid idea. Your reaction told me everything.”
“My reaction?”
“You don’t want to be alone with me or be seen with me. I get it. I’m a frea—” I reached over and put my hand on her mouth, silencing her before she could say any more. She was not a freak. Far from it.
“Cupcake,” I said, using the nickname I used for her when she needed reassurance. “Don’t you dare say it. You know it’s not true. It’s always me and you. We’re alone right now. I’m trying to get you to leave the car and go out in public with me. So, don’t you dare tell me I don’t want to, okay?”
She nodded once, and I removed my hand from her mouth. “But you looked so horrified.”
“I’m not horrified. I was shocked that you asked to go away. You don’t like leaving the house for an appointment, let alone anything else. And then I’m worried that you want to leave for good.”
She shook her head. “My birthday is coming up. And I know Leanne and Steve will try to make a big deal out of it. Cake, candles—”
“You love cake.”
She rolled her eyes. “Yes, but not when an entire house of people are watching me eat. I’m happy sitting in your car with my cupcakes. You know they’ll organise a party, and I can’t deal with the attention. It’s not something I feel like celebrating this year, you know? How can I celebrate my birthday without my family? Why should I have a party, when they’re dead?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and closed my eyes, not wanting to see the sadness reflected in Audrey’s, because she was right. Celebrating would be the last thing on my mind if I were in her position. “I’ll make a deal with you. Have dinner with me now, in there,” I pointed at the diner, “and I’ll take you anywhere you want to go for your birthday. We’ll escape for the weekend.”
“A whole weekend?” Her face brightened just a little.
I nodded. “No party. No celebrations. No cake. Just us. Away from the world.”
“That’s a bit extreme. I at least deserve cake to cheer me up on my birthday.” Her lips quivered. It was almost a smile.
“Okay. We’ll run away with cake if you come inside with me right now.”
She studied my eyes, her right foot tapping nervously on the floor and her bottom lip pulled between her teeth. “Okay.” Her voice was barely a whisper, but I was out of the car and rounding her side in an instant.
I wasn’t giving her the chance to change her mind. I pulled her door open, reached in, grabbed the bag of food from her lap, and held out my hand to her. Taking a deep breath, she grasped my hand and climbed out of the car, chin tucked in. The black hood of her jacket covered her face as we walked to the doors. She was trembling. One hand clutched my arm, and her nails dug into my skin, while her feet dragged across the gravel. She was trying to pull me back.
“Anywhere you want to go,” I reminded her.
“Do it for the cake,” she muttered under her breath.
“That’s it. Focus on the cake.” I pulled the doors open and led her inside. Johnny’s head appeared in the kitchen window. His jaw dropped and his eyebrows raised, then he nodded slightly and went back to work. At least he was smart enough not to make a big deal out of it, even though it was huge.
Audrey’s feet scuffed along the black and white checkered linoleum as I steered her toward a booth in the back corner, far from any prying eyes that might happen to arrive. Her shallow breaths evened out when I slid into the booth first and pulled her in beside me. Ordinarily, I’d have sat opposite, but judging by her reaction, I knew she’d prefer me not to leave her alone.
I tried to pry my hand from her grip to unpack our food, but she wouldn’t let go. “Can’t eat if I can’t get our food out of the bag.”
She sighed, and with a shaky breath she dropped my hand but moved closer until her leg was pressed against mine from hip to knee. Just that little bit of contact was enough to reassure her it would be okay. I grabbed out the food and placed it on the table.
“I’m not hungry,” Audrey mumbled, ducking her head further.
“Eat.” I pushed her burger toward her, and she flinched.
“I feel sick. Maybe I’m coming down with something.”
“Audrey.”
“Brody.”
“Come on. Food’s getting cold. Look, it’s just you and me. You can pretend we’re at home, hiding from Leanne.” I felt terrible for Leanne. She tried so hard and only wanted to make Audrey’s life better, and we repaid her by hiding out.
“Can’t we just sneak home and hide from her for real?”
“Sure, we can.” I smirked, and her eyes lit up. “If you don’t want to run away for your birthday, we can go home right now.”
“So not fair.” She huffed and picked up a fry, making exaggerated movements as she placed it in her mouth and chewed slowly and loudly. I rolled my eyes and ignored her.
We ate silently until Johnny came over. I had almost convinced myself that Audrey was perfectly oka
y with being out of the house and somewhere public, but the bouncing of her knee against mine told me otherwise.
“Thought you might like these,” Johnny said, placing milkshake glasses on the table in front of us, the swirl of purple, pink, and blue milk with silver sprinkles on top looking completely sickening and disgusting.
Audrey jumped slightly at his voice and pressed closer to my side.
I shot Johnny an apologetic look, but he shook it off with a wink and continued speaking. “My speciality. Unicorn cake batter smoothies.”
Audrey glanced up, a small smile on her face.
“Yeah, thought you’d like that, kid,” he said, and she nodded.
“Thank you,” she whispered before hiding her face again.
“Anytime.” Johnny’s chest expanded, and he stood a little taller, proud of himself for getting two words and half a smile out of her, which was, honestly, much more than most people got. “I’ll leave you to it.”
“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” I asked, watching as Audrey took a sip of her milkshake.
With a lift of her shoulder, she said, “It was Johnny. He’s okay.”
Progress.
That was a big step, even though it might not have seemed that way. I smiled and continued eating.
Chapter Three
Audrey
Voices echoed through the house. Indie and Kenzie were here, and I knew why, but I didn’t care. I put my headphones in and closed my eyes, hoping they’d leave me alone. After having dinner at the roadhouse with Brody the other night, word got around that I went out willingly in public, and it had been a nightmare ever since.
Leanne had invited me out every day the past week to go shopping, for a coffee, for a walk, a yoga class with Bailey’s mum—why anyone would want to do that was beyond me. I wasn’t interested, and I certainly didn’t go out for dinner with Brody by choice. He coerced me into it with the promise of taking me away for my birthday. Granted, that was my idea, but still…
I was almost eighteen, and I couldn’t think of anything worse than having a party for my birthday. The idea of celebrating such a milestone without my family by my side made me feel sick, nervous, like I was betraying their memory. My mother was always fond of having big celebrations with lots of food and friends, since we had no other family. Birthdays, Christmas, any reason for a party, my mum was onto it. She told me on my seventeenth birthday that she was excited to plan my eighteenth. The idea of having a party without her, one she didn’t plan, made the constant ache in my chest so much worse. Parties were her thing, and if she couldn’t give me one, I didn’t want one. It wouldn’t be right.
Besides, there was nothing to celebrate. Another year alive. Whoopee. My family weren’t so lucky, so why should I have fun? All those eyes that would be focused on me, the extra attention, not only because it was my birthday, but because of my fragile state would be too much to bear.
That was why I had dinner with Brody.
And only Brody. He didn’t make me feel self-conscious, or awkward, or like I was going to break at any moment. He treated me like an average person, and I was grateful. He calmed me down and made me feel safe when I was entirely out of my comfort zone. When the pain was too much to bear during my recovery, he sat with me while I screamed and cried in agony. He placed cool towels on my burning skin to ease the pain. He was the only one who made me better, and the only one to tell me it was okay to cry, to scream, that I didn’t have to be brave or strong.
The bed dipped beside me, but I chose to ignore it, not wanting to open my eyes and see who would be looking back at me. Indie. Kenzie. Leanne. It would be one of them. Brody and Steve were at work, and I assumed the rest of their pack were too.
I snorted at the thought of them being in a pack. It was like a wolf pack, or the Scooby Gang, because they never did anything alone. They were all so close and the best of friends, even with Brody, who was still shutting himself off from them. I didn’t like it. It made me unnecessarily jealous that they all had someone they could rely on when they needed a friend. They had people they could trust, confide in, be silly with, and just hang out. I had no one. Not anymore. Maybe just Brody. But even then, sometimes it felt like he hung out with me out of obligation or something. Guilt that he couldn’t save my family.
Ever since the fire, I’d lost everyone I cared about. My family were dead. I’d lost myself. I was a shell of the girl I’d once been. My friends were non-existent. Not one friend visited me when I was in the hospital, not that I’d have noticed because I was in an induced coma for weeks, but the nurses had told me the only people to visit were Brody and Nate, and that was because they rescued me. That guilt word reared its ugly head again.
A finger poked my arm. Maybe if I kept my eyes closed, they’d think I was asleep and would leave.
A hand pushed on my shoulder gently.
I rolled over.
My headphones were yanked out of my ears.
“I know you’re awake,” Indie said softly.
“Good for you.” I snatched the headphones from her and put them back in my ears. Indie’s smile fell. I was being a bitch. I knew that. Indie didn’t deserve it. None of them did, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to be a charity case.
Kenzie pulled my headphones away and screwed them in a ball. Throwing them across the room to my desk, she said, “Quit being a bitch and get up. We’ve got things to do, and hiding in your room all day isn’t going to accomplish anything.”
I stared at her in shock. I liked Kenzie. She didn’t take crap from anyone, especially not me. She said what she thought and didn’t care. It was refreshing. I huffed and sat up.
“Kenzie,” Indie hissed at her, apparently not approving of her tone.
“No.” Kenzie held up her hand to stop Indie from speaking further. “She starts school in three days, and she’s not even ready. Leanne has been busting her balls for weeks trying to help her, and all she does is shut herself in her room and ignore everyone but Brody.” She looked at me. “Guess what, cupcake? Brody’s not here. We are. So, get your little ass out of bed, throw on your hoodie, and let’s go.” She tossed my black jacket at me and stormed out of the room.
“What does she care, anyway?” I asked Indie, reluctantly pulling my hood over my head.
“She knows what it’s like being the outcast. To have the whole town watching your every move. She’s so much like her brother, blunt and rude, but she means well.” Indie gave me a sympathetic smile.
I knew I had no choice but to go with them. I needed school supplies, clothes. I needed a freaking haircut to do something with the mess on my head. But it meant leaving the house and going out in public, something I’d been unable to do without Brody by my side.
Leanne had been so kind and patient with me, but judging from Kenzie’s reaction, I was too hard on her. I was grateful for everything Leanne and Steve had done for me, taking me in when I had no one. They drove me around from appointment to appointment and gave me all the support…and love I needed. And, I appreciated it, even though I didn’t show it.
My chest tightened, and the room spun. I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes, wishing that when I opened them, Indie would be gone, and I’d be left alone to hide under my covers.
No such luck.
“It’ll be okay. I promise.” Indie tried and failed to reassure me. It wouldn’t be okay, but I couldn’t tell her that. She’d never understand. Indie was gorgeous in her girly tomboy way, with her sun-kissed skin and long golden-brown hair that hung in waves like she’d just stepped off the beach—which, in all honesty, she probably had. Her fiancé Linc was a lifeguard, and they lived at the beach. Literally. They had a shack on the beach, right on the sand. Her dresses with Chucks were cute. She had her own style, and she owned it.
Me, on the other hand…no one could understand what it felt like to be me. To have everyone’s eyes on you all the time, staring, judging, pitying you. It wasn’t pleasant to be the center of attention. Once upon
a time, I had friends, I wore pretty clothes—maybe a little too revealing when my parents couldn’t see—makeup. I was happy and outgoing, and it all changed in an instant. My life was destroyed, gutted like my house after the fire. Everyone was gone.
It was a miracle I had survived. And most days, I wished I hadn’t. It wasn’t only the physical side of things. Learning to walk and feed myself again was excruciatingly painful. The ugly scars covering half my body did nothing to make me feel better about myself, and even though I knew I should be grateful to be alive, I wasn’t. I should have died. Not my family. Some days I’d been so close to giving up. Brody caught me in the bathroom one day with a bottle of vodka and the painkillers I’d been prescribed. I was just standing there, staring at them on the counter and trying to work up the courage to swallow all the pills with a vodka chaser. He snatched the pills, poured the vodka down the drain, and carried me to the car and took me to see my therapist. Then he didn’t let me out of his sight for weeks.
The guilt of being the only survivor was a daily struggle, and it was only compounded by my appearance. Those close to me—well, the Kellermans and the wolf pack—didn’t appear to care what I looked like, but they pitied me. I could see it in their faces, their eyes. Strangers on the street who didn’t know what happened to me stared as though I was a freak. I wanted to hide away from the world and be forgotten. Why should I get to carry on when my parents, my sister…didn’t?
School wasn’t important. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to go. But I didn’t have a choice. I was in the care of the Kellermans until I was eighteen. A few short weeks away. But even then, I knew I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t survive on my own, and as much as I didn’t want their help or support, I needed it. They didn’t have to take me in and care for me, but they did because they were good people. And I, as Kenzie rightfully pointed out, was being a bitch.
