More than anything, he wanted to be tied up, all responsibility taken out of his hands, and beaten until he was reduced to nothing but a raw ball of feeling. Talking just didn’t provide the same release, even though he tried. The only thing he wanted more than a beating was to please Will. He had requested that Malcolm talk through his feelings instead of taking the physical release. In theory, he understood. It seemed healthier, but so far his experience led him to believe it was far less effective. Maybe all he needed to do was talk more. Maybe over time it would get better. All he could do was take it one day at a time.
Chapter Fifteen
Will stripped down in preparation for a shower. Exhaustion seeped into every bone and muscle of his body. The last several days had settled into an uncomfortable routine. Nothing felt normal or right. They all simply passed time. Wake up, eat with stilted conversation while trying to pretend to not see the empty chair, go to work while everyone found their own retreat, lose track of time until the alarm signaled lunch, choke down food that could never be satisfying, go back to work, push food around the plate at dinner, retire to the lounge, and pretend like their family was still whole.
Malcolm hadn’t objected when Will took to working more. While Will retreated to the office, Malcolm spent his time with the other Zeds, making sure they were all right and taking comfort in their shared grief. The only semblance of a schedule they kept was mealtimes, which seemed almost masochistic since it was the time Kaleana’s absence was most keenly felt.
None of them were good at handling their grief. Most of them had spent the majority of their lives devoid of any kind of love. For the rest of the time, they’d lived a cloistered life together in an idyllic family. Kaleana’s death had disrupted not only their family but their security and served as a violent reminder of the world they inhabited from which they’d only been granted a reprieve. Their family had been broken, and Will didn’t know if it could ever be fixed. He tried to content himself with the knowledge that he’d had more of a family than many Zeds did, but he couldn’t help wanting what he’d once had.
Will stepped out of the shower and dried himself. He couldn’t remember washing, but his fingers had pruned and the scent of soap lingered in the thick steam. Most of his time seemed spent in automatic habit lately.
As he brushed his teeth, he heard a thud on the bed. Malcolm must have entered. Will finished, looking forward to collapsing into bed so he could wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.
What he saw when he exited the bathroom stopped him. A pair of leather manacles lined with lamb’s wool sat in the middle of the bed. Malcolm stood at the foot, desperate eyes locked on Will.
If he were honest with himself, Will had expected this. He had only hoped this night wouldn’t come. He pushed aside his exhaustion and took a moment to gather himself. Malcolm needed him, and Will’s reaction had the power to do a great deal of harm. The situation called for Will to tread lightly.
Once he felt sufficiently composed, Will walked toward the bed and sat, picking up the manacles. “What brought this on?” The request for a beating didn’t surprise him, but the manacles did. Even during a beating, Malcolm valued control too much to ever cede it.
“I heard back from the DGI about my request for Kaleana’s body so we could bury her. They said they’ve already disposed of her. I’m never going to see her again, not even to say goodbye.”
“Come sit with me.” Malcolm had remained standing the whole time, appearing as if he were stretched so thin that the lightest touch would disintegrate him.
Malcolm shook his head in a short, jerky movement.
Will sighed. “Nothing is going to happen until you come sit with me.” They remained in silence for a few moments, a silent battle of wills, neither opponent wanting to relinquish ground. But Will held the position of power. All he needed to do was wait.
Every second tested Will’s resolve. A part of him wanted to run to Malcolm, wrap him in his arms, and tell him he’d do whatever he asked. That would only be a temporary bandage on a gaping wound. They needed to talk, and he needed to understand what was going on in Malcolm’s head. The only way he could help was to understand, not to bury the issue under a rain of pain that Will felt sure would be used in an attempt to assuage a guilty conscience rather than to derive pleasure.
The moment came. Malcolm deflated and slumped onto the bed next to Will, hunching over until his forehead rested in Will’s lap. Automatically, Will’s hand went to Malcolm’s hair, his fingertips massaging the scalp as his hand combed through the thick strands. “I’m so sorry. We knew it was a long shot with them. They don’t understand. They’ve never loved a Zed like you loved her.”
“I just wanted to bring her home. I don’t like the thought of her there.”
“I know.”
“I’ve failed her. I need to feel, to hurt. I need it rough. Please, Will. It’s Kaleana. Don’t make me beg.”
Will lifted Malcolm’s head until they made eye contact. The fact that Malcolm had kept his face hidden as he talked disturbed Will. He knew it was out of shame, and the thought hurt him more than all the rest. “Never.” He’d never make him beg. His lover’s pride had always been, and would always be, safe in his hands.
“I need you to do this for me. If you don’t, I won’t seek it somewhere else. I’m scared I’ll lose myself in it.”
At least Malcolm exhibited some self-awareness. Looking into Malcolm’s eyes, seeing the pain and conflict there so raw it shredded Will’s heart, it hurt him more than he would have thought to refuse. “You know why I can’t. We said we wouldn’t let this happen again, but it’s as much my fault as yours. I haven’t been giving you the attention you need. I wasn’t before this, either.”
“This has nothing to do with that.”
“Come lie with me.” Will grabbed the manacles and nudged Malcolm until they were lying side by side, Malcolm’s head on his shoulder while Will toyed with his hair.
With his other hand, Will examined the manacles. The light-brown leather was soft, the lamb’s wool thick and fluffy. Close examination revealed a safety clasp so the restrained person could release himself. If Will were to restrain Malcolm for a beating, these would be the only manacles he’d consider using. They clearly came from a high-end boutique. He wondered how long ago Malcolm had ordered them.
“Let me guess: these weren’t your first choice.”
“No.”
“They don’t seem like you. Moving past the fact that you wanting to be restrained is out of the ordinary, I would guess you’d prefer something made of pure cold metal, no lining, no safety, not even rounded edges. Am I right?”
“Yes.”
Will reached across to his bedside table and placed the manacles in the drawer. He wanted to throw them, but they might have their use sometime in the future. “You know that’s the problem, right? I’d never deny you anything that brought you pleasure or lightened your burden, but that’s not what this is. I swore that the last time would be the last. You won’t use our relationship as a tool to punish yourself.”
“How can I take on the responsibility of the entire movement, of all the Zeds who are relying on us to pave the way to their freedom, if I can’t even take care of my own people? Kaleana, Will. She was a part of me, and I couldn’t save her.”
Will gripped Malcolm’s shoulder and shook him. “Exactly, you couldn’t. It’s not that you didn’t; it’s that you couldn’t. So why do you think you deserve to suffer for that?”
Silence.
“Why do you think that your grief isn’t enough? Why do you think you’re a man who deserves to be tied up and beaten?”
“I need the pain, to feel.”
“I know. I understand. I didn’t think I ever would, but I do now. I get you better than you think. But that’s not what this is about. You know if it were, I wouldn’t hesitate. But it’s not. This is about you seeking out punishment because you think you deserve it. I understand that you need it for other reason
s too, but until you realize that you’re innocent here, I can’t beat you.”
“I understand.” The sorrow lacing Malcolm’s voice spoke directly to Will’s heart. There had been a time when Malcolm had hidden behind a cold exterior, masking his emotions, but not here, not anymore. They were past that.
“When did you get the news from the Geneticists?”
“I came here as soon as I read the message.”
“I didn’t know you had made the request.”
“I knew it wasn’t likely to be approved, so I didn’t want to get your hopes up. I also didn’t want to give you the chance to talk me out of it. I know I’m supposed to appear to hate Zeds for the sake of my cover and the movement, but I needed to do this. I needed to know I did everything I could to bring her home.”
“You were right to make the request, then. I’m sorry you didn’t feel you could tell me, but I understand. You’re probably right. I hate thinking that I would have tried to talk you out of it.”
“It’s different for you than it is for me.”
He didn’t need Malcolm to explain. Will had never expected a Zed to be respected in death, not after a life of subjugation. But in Malcolm’s world, people were people, deserving of respect and dignity. When Will had seen Kaleana’s cold, lifeless body, he knew that’d be the last time.
The bond between Malcolm and Kaleana was something Will couldn’t even comprehend. They’d been together for so long, seen each other through so much. Will knew Malcolm loved him just as much and in a different way, but there was a depth to his bond with Kaleana that only came with time. They had all counted on her and loved her, taken her presence for granted. She had been woven into every fiber of life on the compound. Without her, it all seemed to fall apart.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen, Malcolm. I don’t know how we’re going to get through this, but I do know that we will. It won’t ever be like it was, but we’ll make it work.”
“I can’t even imagine that right now.”
“You don’t have to. Just believe that it will be true someday.”
“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Then it’s a good thing I’m here.”
“How are you holding up?” Malcolm scooted closer and wrapped his arm around Will.
“I’m fine.”
Malcolm kissed Will’s neck, and Will melted slightly at the affectionate touch. He hadn’t even realized how stressed his body was until it so readily took refuge in Malcolm’s touch.
“Uh-huh, you’re not getting away with that, Will. You’re not fine.”
“No, but I’m better off than you.”
“So? Weren’t you the one who once pointed out the folly of diminishing one’s own problems because others suffered more?”
“It’s annoying that you have such a good memory. It’s not fair using my own words against me.”
Will’s effort to pull Malcolm into light banter failed. Malcolm only looked at him with infinite patience.
“I keep busy. Oculus has a program designed that should make it easier to use the data we get from the collars once they’re rolled out to the pilot program.”
“How’s he doing?”
“Well. I try to help him as much as I can, but it’s outside my area of expertise.”
“I should spend more time in the office.”
“No, you need to be with the others. They need you, and you need them. I don’t mind. The work keeps me occupied.”
“I know the feeling. I don’t like it.”
“Well, someone has to keep this place running.” Guilt seeped into Malcolm’s eyes. “That wasn’t a condemnation, just a truth. I’m more than capable and willing to do it. Since Carson has taken on most of the company business, there aren’t many things at Panacea that need my attention. The collar team is eager for any news. They’re ready to stop production on the current model and switch over to the new. I’ve compromised and told them they could go ahead and make a batch in anticipation of a pilot program as long as all existing orders are filled on time.”
“It’s like I’m not even needed.”
“You’re needed for plenty, just not the mundane day-to-day activities. The movement needs you, but you need to heal first.”
Malcolm sighed. “I don’t know how to go on fighting after this.”
“You’ll figure it out. Just let yourself grieve.”
“And when do you get to grieve?” Malcolm’s sincere gaze penetrated Will.
“She didn’t mean as much to me as she did to you.”
“No, but she meant plenty.”
Will shrugged. “This is my way of handling it. I can’t stop until the collars are abolished. This is the first step. I miss her. I miss the way she took care of all of us. I miss the stories she’d tell about you. I miss the way she carried herself, the way she looked when she would paint in front of the window in the sunroom. I miss the way we used to talk. There were some things that I could only talk about with her. I miss all of that. But I can’t do anything about it other than try to make sure no one else dies the way she did. I can’t move fast enough for that. I’m not in denial. I’m just so mad that I need an outlet for it in my work.”
“We all miss you, but I’m grateful that you’re taking care of everything.”
“If you ever need me, you know you can come get me. Work isn’t so important that I can’t be interrupted.”
“The same goes for you. I can content myself with having you here with me at night.”
Will cupped Malcolm’s neck, rubbing his thumb along his cheek. “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to do what you wanted tonight.”
“It’s all right. You were right to refuse. You’re the only thing keeping me from losing myself right now.”
“We’re both doing the best we can. Why don’t you get out of these clothes?”
Malcolm stood and stripped for bed. Kaleana’s death had changed everything. It even touched Will’s relationship with Malcolm. Things felt different, hollow. They still loved each other with a fierceness that stunned Will sometimes, but it was different. He didn’t know if he should try to adjust to it or if it would pass. They were both strained, and Will had to hope that as time went on the strain would lessen until they were themselves again.
Malcolm climbed back into bed facing Will on his side. Will reached across and brushed the hair off of Malcolm’s forehead and looked into those eyes that had gone from disconcerting the first time Will had seen them to infinitely comforting now that he was more familiar with them than any other sight.
“Thank you.”
“For what?” A slight crease formed between Malcolm’s eyes in confusion.
“For respecting me and our relationship enough not to manipulate me into beating you. You could have, and I know you know that. I appreciate it.”
Malcolm grabbed Will’s hand from where it still rested on his face and placed a kiss on the palm. “You’re the most important part of my life. I won’t endanger that. I already lost Kaleana. I won’t lose you too.”
Chapter Sixteen
Ralph Masterson. After all this time, the Geneticist who killed Kaleana had a name. The hardest thing for Malcolm to do since he had heard Kaleana scream that day at the Eval Center was to appear as if he didn’t care about this man. Nothing Malcolm did could bring her back; all he could do at this point was maintain his cover. When he had received notification from the DGI of compensation for his material loss, he had responded with a curt reply conveying his hope that the careless Geneticist who had botched the collar switch would be held responsible. He could have demanded a name, and they would’ve given it to him, but he had worried he wouldn’t be able to contain his emotions. Anger at the financial loss would be understood, but nothing more than that. Malcolm didn’t know how to pretend Kaleana’s loss wasn’t more than that.
Malcolm had wanted to spend the day with Will, to at least pretend like things were normal, but when he sat at his desk, he didn’t have any id
ea what he could do. His work seemed useless now. He glanced over at Will who focused with dogged determination on his computer. Malcolm didn’t know what he was doing, but he knew it was something beneficial, probably for the movement. Meanwhile, all Malcolm could think about was revenge. He didn’t know how to care about anything else. How could he possibly pretend that he could do anything to help the Zeds of New Cali when he hadn’t been able to help Kaleana?
But now he had a name. The only task he had been able to focus on at his desk was discovering the identity of the Geneticist. It hadn’t been difficult. His name had been in the DGI directory they had downloaded from Walken’s computer. But what good did the name do him? Nothing he could do to this man would bring Kaleana back. So what was he doing?
A new message from Marcy blinked on his screen. A simple request for time off. Having nothing else worthwhile to do, Malcolm decided to take care of it. No need to bother Will or Carson with it. Malcolm would handle it in person. He needed to get out of this office where all he could do was sit ineffectually behind a desk.
A few paces from the kitchen, the stench of cleaning fluid stung Malcolm’s nostrils. The door to the utility room sat open, and inside Jess cleaned out one of the little machines that swept around the house cleaning the floors. “Hello, Jess. Is Marcy in the kitchen?”
Jess startled at the sound of Malcolm’s voice and looked up. She always seemed a bit scared of Malcolm, as if she didn’t know how to react to him. “Oh, yes, she is. Is everything all right? Is there anything I can help you with?”
“No, everything’s fine. And thanks for all your hard work, Jess, especially lately. I know things haven’t been easy.”
“Don’t worry about it, Mr. Price. I’m just sorry I can’t do more.”
“You do more than you think. And please, once again, call me Malcolm.” Truth be told, he didn’t know exactly what she and Marcy did. All he knew was he had a clean home and three good meals a day for him and his family and didn’t have to so much as think about it. That was a gift he didn’t take lightly. He should think of some way to thank Jess and Marcy, something more than just granting Marcy’s request for time off.
[In Distress 02.0] In Pain Page 11
