"She seduced you—"
"No, Karita. I seduced her." She glanced up as if to see if Karita was unduly shocked. "At least…I did more than half the work of getting us into…the situation. I know all about the fact that she was the boss and she had all the power, but I'm not without responsibility. I thought I loved her. I thought, sex, would bring us closer together even if we never pursued a relationship. She was so much older and I didn't care, but she did. Then she started dating what's-his-name and dumped me. It's actually kind of sordid and dull, and I brought it on myself."
"Pam." Karita took a deep breath to get control of her tone, not wanting to sound as irate as she felt. "Okay, yes, opening the door to a sexual relationship with your boss wasn't the smartest thing to do. Taking responsibility for your choices is right, but it doesn't mean she's not responsible, too. She heaped abuse and ridicule on you, had you working sixteen hours a day, and weekends, and told you all that was necessary to keep the relationship secret, right?"
Pam nodded, tears swimming in her eyes.
"She used your emotional attachment to her to work you, and her position as your boss to keep you from complaining about your treatment. Then, when she wanted out, what did she do? She fred you. Why couldn't she just say that it was over? Why did she have to be so cruel about it? Why couldn't she just say she'd made a mistake and tell you that you needed to move on?"
Karita paused when Pam surreptitiously dabbed at her eyes. "Forget the boss/employee stuff for a minute. On the personal side of it, I don't get it—she had a choice, you know. She could have been kind. Firm, but kind. She chose not to be. She fabricated that missing file, it was a lie, so she could get rid of you. And that's on her. That's all about her ducking out of responsibility for her choices, and has nothing to do with you. Don't tell yourself you somehow are so bad that you brought out the worst in her. You're not the only person who has ever seen this side of her."
"She yelled at me more than her other two associates put together. I couldn't do anything right."
"So you made her insecure or nervous or anxious or whatever. She still had a choice about what to do with those feelings. Her choices are not your fault. She kicked you because you couldn't kick her back and she knew it. That makes her a bully and bullies are cowards." Her voice caught and she took a sip from her tea.
After clearing her throat, she added, more quietly, "I don't understand why people choose to be mean when they have all the power in the world to be nice."
Pam gave a little laugh. "Promise me something."
"What?"
"Whatever you do, don't go into the law. It'll eat you alive."
Karita laughed. "It hasn't exactly treated you better."
"True." Pam picked up her sandwich and took a large bite out of it. "It wasn't just the, you know…the love she rejected. It was me, the person. The lawyer, the human being, the lesbian, the woman. I don't know why she had to do things the way she did and I guess I thought, you know, it had to be me making her do it somehow."
Karita shook her head. "She treated you like that because it made life easier for her. That's what cowards do—they cause other people pain to escape it themselves. If Susan was worth anything, she'd have found you another job, written you an accurate and compelling recommendation, you know, made sure you didn't lose anything. But evidently she had to make sure you lost everything for her to feel secure. As if she could prove she loved the new guy by grinding the woman she'd cared about into the ground. You, at least, have a chance to get your self-respect back. She'll never even know that she lost hers."
"Where were you when I was falling for her? I could have used that speech back then." Pam tore open her bag of chips. "I ignored her temper, and the way she blames everyone else when things go wrong. I tell myself I could have done things differently. That I could have bowed out before she made me go. I tried, you know? I told her all she had to do was say we were done and I'd never speak of it again. Next thing I knew she hadn't ever wanted gay sex, that it was my fault, and she was dating a guy and I was the worst lawyer she'd ever worked with. She had no respect for me at all."
"Closet case," Karita muttered.
Pam let out a chortle. "Can I have lunch with you once or twice a week for a couple of months? I'll even buy."
Karita grinned at her, glad to see real humor in Pam's eyes. "Maybe you should talk to a bona fide therapist. I just have a junior merit badge. Imagine what a pro could do for you."
"You should be a pro. You're a great listener." Pam finished her last chip and stared into the bag. "Wow, that's the first whole meal I've eaten since it happened."
"Good for you." Karita reached into her purse for a little box. "I remembered these were your favorites and thought a few might be medicinal."
"Oh, you're so sweet." Pam took the box of truffles. "Mochas and caramels, you're right, my favorites. Have one with me."
"No, those are for you. For the dark of night."
Pam blinked back tears, then gave her a broad smile. "Okay. Karita, be honest. Why are you single?"
Karita knew she blushed. Her answer felt like it might be a lie—she didn't think of any particular set of very dark, intense eyes, or of a kiss that had suggested she didn't know the first thing about passion or love—but she said it anyway. "Because I haven't met the right woman yet."
CJ watched Karita and her date leave the deli, glad not to have been noticed. She'd not even realized Karita was there until she'd heard the unmistakable, engaging laugh. From where she sat she could see the other woman saying something Karita found very amusing, then in another furry of laughter, the much shorter woman scooped up a lavish bouquet from the flower vendor on the corner and presented it to Karita with a bow. They disappeared from CJ's sight, Karita's cheeks stained red with delight.
The beauty of Karita's smile lingered behind her eyes like the afterlight of staring at the sun. Butterfies fitted in her stomach until Aunt Bitty whispered, "She won't ever be smiling for the likes of you."
It took her a moment to realize that Burnett had stopped talking.
"Sorry. I saw someone I knew. I didn't realize she worked close to me is all."
Burnett looked mildly speculative, as if he was wondering the significance of a woman who could distract CJ from business. Those puppy dog eyes saw more than CJ had initially thought. "It's okay, I was blathering."
"No," CJ corrected. "You were giving me all the details you know about your potential client. He took your call which means the package was right on. What's your next move?"
"I can't decide." He chomped thoughtfully on his BLT. "More information, detailed first floor plan, tenant improvement budget, all that of course. I could hand deliver it on the hope of getting a brief face-to-face."
"How about this?" CJ tipped a little more white balsamic vinaigrette on the last of her shrimp salad. "Leave him a voice mail saying that you're getting together more material but it would be ultimately time-saving for him to just see the space. He's on the architect association's environmental subcommittee, right? If he walks the space and it's obviously unworkable you save a lot of trees and time. You're happy to pick him up at his convenience, tour the site and have him back in his office. in under an hour. Or, if he prefers, you can send over the material first, that's really no bother. Whatever is most convenient for him."
"If I time it right I might get to talk to him live. Jerry is big on always catching the client for a live chat—he doesn't like voice mail."
CJ took her time chewing and swallowing, then she said, "Think about what you want and which communication will get you what you need. You don't know Cray and have no rapport that will make him want to listen to you for long. I personally would go for a practiced and succinct, highly professional voice mail. If you talk to him live he'll tell you to send the package first to get you off the phone. If he gets a chance to think about doing a quick tour and has to call you back, or tell someone to call you back, he might decide you're right about seeing the space. A voi
ce mail gives you a better shot at yes versus no, that's all. The space is going to do most of the job selling him."
Burnett literally bounced in his seat. "And once he sees the space he'll be sold."
CJ envied the kid his youthful enthusiasm even as it annoyed her. "Once he sees the space all you'll know for sure is if there's no chance at all. He'll tell you he doesn't want it if that's the case. Otherwise, the real selling starts."
Burnett's enthusiasm wasn't the least bit quenched. "I know, it's just that it's a good ft for him."
"Yes, it is, but I've seen plenty of perfect fits fall through." She finished the last of her salad and let the rest of her day fit through her mind. Sales meeting, two conference calls, an interim presentation over drinks—more or less a typical afternoon and evening. She wanted an early night because tomorrow was another long Friday at the shelter. Emily hadn't called to tell her not to come back, so she was going. "If you want to practice what you'll say, we can do that on the way back to the office."
"Thanks, but I think I got the gist. You've been great, CJ, thank you. You don't have to give me all your trade secrets, you know."
"They're not secrets, just common sense and experience. It'll be a pleasure to watch you close the deal." I'm not doing it for you, kid, she might have told him. She was addicted to closing a deal, and if not one of her own, then one of his would be a temporary fix It would be a mistake for him to think she did anything out of the goodness of her heart. Kisses from angels and people who thought she was good enough to date their friends— they changed nothing. Her inner scoffing laugh sounded just like Aunt Bitty. "I think you went about getting this lead in a very clever way, and if you keep that up, sooner or later you're going to hit a deal too big to handle, and that's when I'll expect some payback."
Burnett readily agreed. As they braved the heat, CJ again thought the kid pinged her gaydar, but she had no real use for the information if it was true. If he knew she was gay, he didn't let on. She never socialized with coworkers, so it just wasn't relevant for the day-to-day conduct of her life.
Between conference calls later that afternoon she thought briefly. of calling Abby to see if she was free. Calling just two weeks after their last get-together would send the wrong message, she reminded herself, even if the night would no doubt be distracting.
Besides, what did she need distraction from? Her goals were what they had been for years now, her days spent always moving toward those goals. A throaty laugh and dancing eyes and a single kiss, well, they would fade from her memory all on their own. A night with Abby wasn't necessary for that.
She kept telling herself those facts as she dialed the number, then hoped to get Abby's voice mail, in which case she'd hang up. But Abby, sounding tired and out of sorts, answered.
"Hi, it's me. Busy tonight?"
"No—do you want to come over? I just got home from my rotation and it was incredibly shitty."
"I'll bring some dessert. I've got a presentation but could be there by eight."
"I'll get a few winks, then. Dessert sounds good. You know… what I like." Abby's voice had taken on a decided purring edge.
"I do, I think. But if I get it wrong you seem to find it easy to correct me." Jerry appeared in her doorway, forcing CJ to change her tone. "So I'll see you later, then."
"Boss there? I could say anything I liked, couldn't I? Would that make me a bad girl you'd have to punish?"
"We can discuss that."
"See you at eight." Abby hung up, leaving CJ to fight. a blush.
"Are you working with Burnett on his big restaurant deal for the Prospector?"
"Sure. He got a solid lead and I'm reviewing his work."
Jerry frowned as he bounced forward on his toes, making the keys and change in his pocket jangle. "I'd be more comfortable if an experienced broker was the lead."
Oh no, CJ thought. She hadn't given up being lead so Jerry could steal it. She would spike that idea right now. "Believe me, first sign I see of him faltering I'll grab up the slack."
Maybe it was the too innocent smile that convinced Jerry her intentions were sinister, but he went away looking both pleased and put out.
During the next conference call and the proposal presentation over drinks later in the evening, she found herself anticipating the night with Abby, which wasn't like her. Passion usually asserted itself when she was actually with Abby. The smell of her shampoo or that sexy perfume she sometimes wore, the shape of her body—it took only a moment in her presence for the attraction to blossom. It wasn't like her to be thinking about sex during a business meeting.
Driving to Abby's, CJ had to admit it felt different tonight. She didn't want just sex, though that was definitely on her mind. She wanted something more, maybe just the comfort of familiarity. Maybe not to be alone with her thoughts or the memory of a kiss that didn't mean anything. Whatever it was, the very existence of something other than physical desire with Abby was new and therefore unsettling. It wasn't a particularly welcome sensation, either, but it was also an itch needing to be scratched.
Her troubled thoughts got a lot simpler when Abby answered her apartment door wearing a short lavender robe that clung to her body. Her short hair, still damp from a shower, curled around her shoulders.
Abby took the box containing a small walnut and caramel tart and led the way to the kitchen. "I think we should save that for energy later." She set the box on the counter and turned around to find CJ right behind her.
"Damn, CJ, how did you know I really wanted to see you tonight?" She undid the tie on her robe and CJ helped her slip it off her shoulders.
"Must be telepathy, because I have been thinking about you all afternoon." She tugged the robe out of Abby's grasp and the silk puddled around Abby's feet. "I love your naked body."
Their kiss was as heated and filled with desire as any they'd ever shared. It was the way a kiss was supposed to be, not full of silent, innocent moonlight, but overflowing with their rapid breathing, little gasps, even the sound of skin brushing against skin.
Abby tasted like sex, like a woman, and there wasn't any need for CJ to be thinking about anyone else, about what a different woman might be like. Even as she aggressively explored Abby's body, though, she realized her thoughts were wandering. She wanted to devour Abby whole and yet it was another voice she heard in her mind, urging more.
Abby tipped CJ's head back for a long kiss. "I love the way you turn me on." Sliding off the counter, she pulled CJ down the short hallway to the bedroom.
CJ didn't have to think of anyone else for her pulse to hammer in her throat. They were quickly spread out on the bed, naked, straining. "Let's take all night."
For an answer, Abby raked her nails across CJ's shoulders, her words lost but the groans and pleas were perfectly clear. It wasn't hard to ignore the other voice she could hear, rising in her fantasy of platinum hair spread across the sheets and long legs wrapped around her hips.
They both fell asleep some time later, bodies still entwined. Stirring in the night, CJ pulled the warm body closer after she found and draped them both with the sheet. Whatever their separate needs had been, they'd both found mutual satisfaction. She drifted to sleep again, feeling oddly pleased that Abby hadn't called out her name as she usually did.
Only in the morning, making a bad breakfast of half a walnut-caramel tart, did she wonder why. It wasn't a question she could ask. CJ left Abby sleeping, and headed for home. In the shower she felt the scratches Abby had left. Toweling off she discovered the sore muscles and ache in her back from the prolonged love making. Hot and hard, they'd both gotten what they wanted. CJ regarded the circles under her eyes and tried to tell herself that she was making more of her own uncertainties than they merited.
They'd both wanted to get laid, and that's what they'd done. Except she'd been thinking of someone else, and that was most certainly not part of what Abby understood to be the truth of their relationship. She'd never used Abby as a stand-in for someone else and she
supposed she ought to feel bad about it. She would, except that Abby had been different, too. No fuss about CJ's lack of commitment, no cries that included CJ's name. Just sex, on both sides, for the first time—wasn't that what she had said she wanted?
The collar of CJ's white blouse draped to one side as she helped Karita move the bed frame farther down the wall. For several moments Karita struggled with conflicting feelings. The long curve of CJ's neck, taut with muscle, was undeniably attractive. Her shoulders tightened as she strained against the heavy frame and Karita was finding it hard to look away.
Even more riveting was the scratch that stretched from the base of CJ's neck to some out-of-sight point on CJ's shoulder. At least Karita assumed that's where the scratch would end. The skin wasn't broken but it had probably occurred in the last twenty-four hours.
The blouse gapped and shifted as CJ gave one more heave to the heavy frame and Karita's mesmerized gaze found matching scratches, no doubt all made by the same set of nails at the same moment in time. She caught herself before she imagined what position she would need to be in to scratch CJ in just that way. Well, she nearly caught herself. Just like she had nearly caught herself from reliving that kiss every time she didn't look at CJ's mouth. She wasn't looking at it now, either.
Girlfriend, Karita thought, CJ's got a girlfriend, remember? You kissed someone who has a girlfriend—not your shining moment, remember?
Was there another set, farther down CJ's back? None of your business, she told herself sternly, and stop ogling. Since when did some nice muscles draw her mindless attention? This preoccupation was only going to lead to more trouble. "Here is good enough. We can get two port-a-cribs in this way."
"Those are kept in the last room on the right?"
"Yes."
"I'll be back with the first one in a jiffy."
Karita watched CJ speed away, telling herself to do other things with her eyes. She draped the first set of sheets on the narrow bed. Busy hands would keep her eyes from misbehaving.
The Kiss That Counted Page 9
