He’d acquiesced, but he hadn’t let her move into her bedroom. His wife slept with him. Lord, if he never saw another bad month again, it would be too soon. He didn’t like it, but he could manage going days without making love to Diana. No, what unmanned him was seeing her in pain and being helpless to do anything.
He’d suggested slipping a few drops of laudanum into the special mint tea she favored, but Diana told him the drug made her anxious and irritable. He’d been tempted to dose her anyway. Then, at least only one of them would have been anxious and irritable. Eventually she’d taken pity on him, or perhaps herself, and banished him to his office.
“Henry?”
He dragged his gaze from her growing mountain of peas. “Are you feeling ill again?” He gestured to her plate.
“I told you earlier that I feel fine. I’m simply saving room for the orange and almond tart that Mrs. Polgrey made for dessert. I warn you,” she challenged him, “you will have to fight me for every last bite.”
“It’s not almond tart I’m hungry for tonight, but I should warn you, after six days, I’m very much looking forward to my dessert.”
Damn it all, that blush would be the death of him. Henry glanced at the table, wondering how many things he’d have to throw to the floor in order to lay Diana out upon it. She could have her treat later. He wanted her now.
“When is this sale at Tattersall’s?” she prompted, obviously trying to change the subject.
“Uh, this Monday,” he replied distractedly. Perhaps if he just pushed everything to one side of the table…
“This Monday?” Diana’s fork clattered against her plate. “It’s Saturday evening! I shall have to stay up all night packing if we’re to leave tomorrow. This is too bad of you to give me such little notice.”
“I plan to keep you awake tonight, sweetheart, but there’s no need for you to pack. I’ll go alone.”
“Alone?” she demanded. “You would leave me here by myself? For ten days?”
“You make it sound as if I were abandoning you forever in some desolate place. I’m hardly leaving you on your own. The servants will be here, and I plan to ride, so you’ll have the carriage should you wish to pay any calls. Taking you with me would add days of travel, love, and I’m not such a beast that I would rattle you about when you’ve just been ill.”
Not to mention, his overdue business near Newmarket was seeing her father, and he didn’t want Diana anywhere near the man. Thomas Merriwether was a lit bit of kindling waiting to blow up in his face. If the man thought he could send a horse, what was to stop him from posting a letter or, heaven forbid, arriving unannounced at their door?
Henry needed his father-in-law to understand, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he wasn’t welcome at Ravensfield. Henry planned to offer the man a fair sum for Penelope and her foal, and then they need have no further contact. If the day came when Diana wanted to see her father, Henry would support her in her decision. Until then, he would do his best to see that the man kept his distance.
Diana smiled at him, part seductress, part shy maiden, and all too enticing. “I’m perfectly well now and, if you remember, we pass time very well together in a carriage.”
He groaned. “You tempt me, Di, but everyone has gone from London. I don’t want to trouble with opening the townhouse for such a short visit, especially when I haven’t given the servants any warning. I’ll put up at a hotel unless I run into a friend with a spare bedroom. It will be easier if I go alone. In any case, I find you much too distracting. I would never get any business done.”
“I don’t mind a hotel, and Newmarket is only a few miles from Cambridge,” Diana pointed out. “I can surprise Alex with a visit while you see to your business.”
Henry laughed. “Young men at university don’t wish for their sisters to surprise them, but I’ll look in on the young scamp if that will make you happy.”
“Halswelle Hall isn’t so far from Newmarket either. I could visit my mother. I’ve never gone so long without seeing her.”
There was a wistful note to her words, and it pricked at his pride. He knew he was being foolish, that Diana’s wish to see her mother didn’t mean she loved him any less, but he couldn’t suppress the small surge of jealousy. He dearly loved his parents, but he had no overwhelming urge to visit them. A month into marriage, he had no need for anyone other than Diana… and Mrs. Polgrey. He wanted to be enough for Diana, to provide everything she needed. And he could recognize that he was selfish enough to want her as fixated on him as he was on her.
“Your mother is welcome to visit us here,” he said tersely. He immediately regretted his sharpness and gentled his tone. “We can visit in a few months when the stud is less busy, but this isn’t a good time. I’ll conduct my business with all due haste and return home as soon as possible.”
“Perhaps we should go to The Hall before you purchase any more stock at Tattersall’s. I thought I might ask my grandfather about the horses there. The breeding program mostly fell off without my father’s guidance, but there are still a handful of beautiful Arabians. With Alex and me both away, they’ll turn fat and lazy. I could ask for them as wedding present, and—”
He held up one hand to stop her and scrubbed the other over his face. “I know you’re trying to be helpful, and I wouldn’t want a wasteful, spendthrift wife, but somehow you’ve got it stuck in your mind that we’re impoverished. We may not live in a ducal mansion or piss in gold chamber pots—” He stopped himself when Diana winced at his crude language.
Christ, he needed to get up and walk away. He was already on edge from not having slept well for nearly a week. Diana was one of the few people who could push him to lose his temper, and tonight it wouldn’t take much. He took a deep breath. “I am more than able to provide for you. I can afford my own horses. I don’t need your family’s charity to succeed.”
“It wouldn’t be charity—” Diana began.
“No!” Henry slammed his palm down on the table. Damn it all, he didn’t need her help, and he didn’t need gift horses from every damned member of her family. He got to his feet, and tossed his napkin onto his plate. “I’ve lost my appetite. I’m going for a ride. At least the horses don’t doubt me.”
Diana stood as well, clearly not willing to let the conversation rest. “I don’t doubt your ability to succeed or to provide for me,” she said quietly. “I never meant to suggest otherwise. I only wanted some reason to accompany you.”
Some of the tightness left his chest. “I’ll only be gone a week, Di. If I were going away for longer, I’d force you to come with me. This time, though, it’s better if I go alone.”
She frowned at him. “You’re keeping something from me. You’re hiding whatever is making you so determined to go alone.”
He forced out a laugh. “I’m not hiding anything from you. I simply want the trip over quickly and for you to regain your health so I may ravish you to my heart’s content.”
“Did you know the tops of your ears turn red when you lie?”
“You’re being ridiculous!” he blustered.
“Am I? Tell me why you don’t want me with you. Oh…” Her face blanched suddenly, and she reached out for the back of her chair to steady herself.
Henry was at her side in a heartbeat. “Di? What’s the matter? Do you feel ill again?”
She shook her head slowly. “Do you have a…?” She moistened her lips. “Are you going to London to see a… a woman?”
“What the devil are you talking about?” he demanded.
“There’s some reason you don’t want me along, something you don’t want me to know about—”
“And you believe I’m keeping a mistress?” he asked incredulously.
She wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“Apparently your faith in me doesn’t extend very far,” he said coldly. “I won’t lie to you. There is some business I’m involved in that I’d prefer not to share with you. I can’t tell you more than that at the moment, but I swear that
it’s nothing scandalous. Since we first began courting, there has been no other woman in my life. There never will be. I can tell you I won’t stray, but I can’t make you believe me any more than I can change my past.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “Henry, please, you know I love you.”
He shook his head. “That’s not enough.”
“What more do you want from me?” she cried brokenly.
“Your trust. You need to trust that your happiness is my own, and that I will always keep your heart safe. You need to know in your soul that I meant every vow I made to you on our wedding day. Yes, there are women in my past, but there was never any talk of love or commitment. I have only ever wanted forever with you, Diana, but if you can’t let go of my past, you’ll destroy us both. You have to trust me. Can you do that?”
“I… I don’t know. Please, if it’s nothing bad, just tell me why I may not go with you,” she begged.
“God damn it!” His chest heaving, he grabbed a wineglass off the table and hurled it at the wall, needing some outlet for the storm that had built within him. It shattered in a satisfying cascade of crystal shards. The small bit of wine left in the glass streaked down the wall in bloody rivulets.
The sound of a sob had him spinning back toward Diana. All the blood had leached from her face. She stared at him with haunted, accusing eyes, as if he’d committed some atrocity.
“Christ, don’t look at me like that,” he muttered. “It was only a glass. I promise we can afford another.”
She closed her eyes and sucked in a breath as she pressed a white-knuckled fist to her chest. Did her heart hurt as much as his did? Tears began to roll down her cheeks as she drew in another choppy breath.
“I…” She opened her eyes, and her gaze darted to the door. Her muscles tensed to bolt, and he knew she was trying to run from something he couldn’t see. He wished he could. If he could see the dragons and slay them for her, this would all be so much easier. He didn’t know what to do about their argument, but his anger stepped aside in the face of his need to comfort her. Even if she broke his heart, the damned thing still wanted to take care of her.
He cursed as he closed the distance between them and caught her before she’d taken more than two steps. She resisted for a moment, and then sagged against him. He rubbed one hand up and down her spine as the other urged her head against his chest. He touched the delicate skin at the base of her neck; her pulse pounded hard and frantic against his fingertips. “I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to frighten you. There’s nothing to fear. Just take deep breaths.”
He wished he could take his own advice. Seeing her like this chilled him to his marrow. Knowing he’d done this to her… Guilt wrapped him in a crushing embrace, wringing the air from his lungs, so that his breathing wasn’t much steadier than hers was.
“Keep talking… please.”
Diana’s whispered request brought a lump to his throat and, for a moment, Henry wasn’t sure he could do what she asked. He pressed his lips to her hair, breathing in orange blossoms, Diana, and sweat-dampened skin. He usually loved that particular combination of scents, but something wasn’t right. No sweetly feminine musk infused the air because he hadn’t made Diana sweat with desire. Tonight, the slightly acrid stink of fear overlaid Diana’s natural sweetness. He’d promised to keep her happy and safe, and then he’d gone and terrified her. Little wonder she didn’t trust him.
Henry swallowed past the painful knot in his throat. “I have you, Di. I won’t let anything hurt you.” He murmured nonsense to her as he lifted her into his arms and sat down with her cradled on his lap. “Come on, sweetheart,” he whispered. “Open your eyes, and I’ll tell you about the time my father took me to see Highflyer race.”
As inducements went, his storytelling clearly lacked a certain something because Diana didn’t open her eyes until after he’d offered her a dozen pairs of lilac gloves, a lengthy visit to her mother, the stars, the moon, and whatever she bloody wanted. He hovered somewhere between desperate and frantic by the time she lifted her hand and cupped his cheek.
She dredged up a tired smile. “I’m all right. The arguing and the… It brought back a bad memory.”
“It was the glass, wasn’t it? It upset you when I threw the glass.” He searched her face anxiously. “Di, if I’d known… You know I would never… Tell me you know I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Her mouth opened in shock. “Sometimes I don’t know what brings this on. How could you have possibly anticipated this? ”
He shrugged and held her a little tighter. “I hate seeing you so upset.”
“I can’t say I enjoy it either, but having you with me makes it easier.” She tucked her head beneath his chin and snuggled into him. One of her hands rested against his chest, her fingers spread wide as if to claim as much territory as possible. Didn’t she know she held his heart in her hands?
“I’m not going to London,” he told her as he stroked her hair. “There will be other sales at Tattersall’s, and the rest of my business can hold a while longer.”
Diana raised her head. “No, you need to go and see to business, and I… I’ll miss you, but I need you to go.” She sighed. “The part of me that can think clearly knows I’m being ridiculous, but there’s a small piece that’s beyond my control. That small piece of me is terrified for you go to London without me. I don’t think you would seek out a woman, but I’ve seen the way women throw themselves in your path. Perhaps the unmarried ones will step aside, but the rest won’t care that you’re married. They think you’re foolish to have m-married m-me, and t-tonight I agree w-with them.”
She laid her head on his shoulder and sobbed. He let her have her cry and, after a few minutes, she quieted and raised her head. She turned her face away from him. “Don’t look at me. I’m all red and splotchy.”
“You’re beautiful. A bit deluded, but beautiful. Courting you was the smartest thing I’ve ever done.”
She sniffed loudly. “Be serious, Henry.”
“I am serious. I’m not— I don’t consider myself a particularly intelligent man. I was never any good at my studies, not like James. Before I decided on the stud, I never tried very hard at anything. If I happened to be good at something, I kept on with it. If I wasn’t, I walked away, because I couldn’t stand to try and then fail. It was easier by far to be a self-indulgent fool than find out I’m nothing but a mediocre man. Can you imagine my father failing at anything?”
“I’m sure he must—”
“No, he’s never failed at anything. Both of my parents are incredible. The thought of disappointing them terrifies me. The thought of disappointing you—” He shook his head. “Do you know what you do to me every time you suggest you’re somehow unworthy of me? You tear me apart inside. I’m the unworthy one. There you were, right in front of me for so many years, but I was too blind to see you.” His hand trembled as he cupped her cheek.
She placed a finger over his lips. “Don’t waste time being sorry. We have each other now.”
He took hold of her wrist and pulled her hand away from her face, then brought his hand back up to cradle her head. He gently pressed his lips to her temple, her cheek, her lips… paying homage and making promises of forever. “No, I’m not smart,” he whispered against her ear, “but I was wise enough to fall in love with you and clever enough to convince you to marry me. I hope I’m not so stupid that I would ever let you go.”
HENRY HELPED DIANA UPSTAIRS AND turned her over to Ellie’s care. Most evenings, they sat in the library for a while after dinner, but the sooner this night was over, the better. He made his way downstairs to fetch Diana’s novel and, for himself, Taplin’s Compendium of Farriery. If the book didn’t put him to sleep immediately, it would at least prevent him from attacking his wife. Reading about cures for mange had a way of cooling a man’s lust.
He poked his head into the dining room and found that in addition to clearing the table, someone had already swept away the broken glass an
d cleaned the wall, though it would likely still need repainting. He was about to head back upstairs when Mrs. Timms entered the room through the opposite door.
“Oh, I beg your pardon, sir! I thought you and Mrs. Weston had retired already. Is there aught I can get for you?”
“As a matter of fact, there is.” He crossed the room so he wouldn’t have to shout. “My wife is feeling poorly again, and she needs a good night’s rest. If you will bring up hot water, I’ll prepare some of that special tea she likes. Bring me the laudanum as well. She’s fretful, and a few drops will help her to fall asleep.”
The housekeeper’s mouth pursed with displeasure.
“Is there a problem, Mrs. Timms?”
He didn’t expect the woman to say anything, but after a moment’s indecision, she took a few steps closer to him and lowered her voice. “Will you forgive me for speaking plain, sir?”
Henry inclined his head.
“I’ll have you know I don’t pass any judgment. There’s no harm in letting a marriage settle before there’s babes crying all the time, but there’s other ways than the pennyroyal—ways that are easier on a body. If you’ve fixed on it, though, you should know there’s no need for her to drink it every day. ‘Tis an unpleasant tea, I’ve always thought. It leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.”
It did, indeed. Henry had no idea how he kept his face impassive during Mrs. Timms’s revelation. Shock, perhaps. He knew the ways to keep from getting a woman with child, and he was familiar enough with the herbs women used to rid themselves of unwanted babes. He hadn’t expected Diana to know of such things, let alone make use of them.
Her fear of his betrayal no doubt stemmed from a guilty conscience. She’d sat beside him so many times, drinking her special “calming blend,” lying to him with every sip. God damn her, he’d given her all of himself, held nothing back. He finally understood what James had meant all those months ago when he said he trusted Isabella with his heart.
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