As she made her way into Murphy Medical Center she felt as though everyone’s eyes were on her. As if they all knew the dirty secret she held behind her sullen face. She made her way toward the suite that Cash had instructed her to go to, finding a smiling nurse who was waiting for her arrival. She smiled weakly at Knox as she made her way into the examination room. Her stomach twisted and turned with each touch of the doctor. She ran every test imaginable and swabbed every square inch of Ani’s skin before she concluded her examination.
“Ok, Ani, I think we are all done here. I have a prescription here for you, some antibiotics and some pain killers. Make sure you take these with food as they can make your stomach a little queasy.” As the doctor continued to talk, Ani’s thoughts drifted off. She didn’t focus on the humming of the doctor’s voice as the visions of the woods and the serenity of the trees floated into her head. She nodded in agreement as the woman finished speaking, taking the small pieces of paper from her and heading toward the door.
She felt empty, like she was only the shell of her exterior now. She breezed past Knox and Repo as she made her way to the hospital exit. She was practically sprinting as she came out of the automatic doors and took off into the parking lot. She didn’t want to be here anymore, she didn’t want to be around people. The only way she knew how to cope with pain was to hide, to box herself away from everyone so that no one else got hurt; including herself. She screamed as a hand grabbed her arm in an effort to slow her. She turned to see Knox’s ghost white face, startled at her panic.
“Aiyana, where are you going?” he whispered out as if not wanting to know the answer.
“Away from here. Away from everyone. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want to be touched.” She could feel the anger and resentment building inside of her gut and she latched onto that as she threw the first punch. “I don’t want you to touch me. Every time you touch me all I can see is his face.”
“Ani,” his voice was hurt as he searched for the words to say to her. “I’m not goin’ anywhere. You can scream, shout, make as big of a scene as you want, but I’m not leavin’ you. I am gonna fight through this with you.”
She glared up at him, her eyes piercing down to his soul. She knew she had to push, she needed to take this as far as she could to get it out of her system and she prayed that he would be able to handle it. She knew she was going to say things to purposefully hurt him because she wanted him to feel the hurt and pain that had now replaced her loving spirit.
“I don’t want you to fight for me, Knox. I am fucking strong enough to take care of myself. I want you to feel the same hurt that I feel. The same gut wrenching feeling that sinks into my stomach when I think about what happened. You keep saying you’re not gonna go anywhere, but let’s not kid ourselves. I can’t stand for you to touch me because every time you do, I feel him. I feel his hands on me. I feel him inside of me. I can’t stand to look at you because every time I closed my eyes, you were all I thought about.” She could see the blow of her words had hit him directly in the gut. His mouth hung open as she calculated each word she was saying.
“I hate you, Knox. I hate you and I love you and I don’t know what to do with that. I want to touch you and hit you. I want you to leave me the fuck alone, but never leave me at all!” She grabbed at the sides of her head as she fell to the ground. “I hate what he did to me. I hate that it holds power over me and I don’t know how to make it go away.”
She watched as he swayed, taking in the words that came screaming out of her mouth. She knew she had done it. She’d pushed him enough that he would turn and walk away from her. No one wants a woman who’s been tainted by an agony that she can never purge from her system. She waited as he stood over her, waited for him to turn and leave her on the ground. She closed her burning eyes as she heard his footsteps away from her. This was it, this was the end and she would regret every minute of it for the rest of her life. It was to her surprise when she heard him return to her, wrapping a jacket around her arms as he sat down onto the dirty parking lot pavement next to her.
“Ani, I’ve never really told you this. Never said it out loud. I was too much of a coward to, I’ve said it in my head a million times, but never like I should have. Ani, I love you. I love you so much it hurts and I couldn’t think of anything that could hurt worse than not having you in my life.” He leaned back onto his hands, looking up at the star speckled sky. “If you need to scream, you scream, baby. If you want to hate me, it’s ok. I’m not goin’ anywhere.” His eyes made their way back down to her, she could feel the warmth of his gaze spreading across her body.
“Knox,” she attempted to resist.
“No, Ani. You don’t get to make that choice. You don’t get to choose for me. I have made up my mind that death will be the only thing to take me away from you.” He let out a deep breath looking back up. “So we will sit here for as long as you need to, staring at the ground, staring at the stars; whichever you choose. But we won’t leave until you’re ready.”
It didn’t reflect on her face, but inside she smiled. She knew this would be a long journey and she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that no matter how hard it got, Knox would be there by her side. Her wants began to materialize in her mind, she wanted to be with Knox and she wanted this trauma to be gone. She wasn’t angry at Knox, she was angry at what Chief had done to her. Knox hadn’t hurt her, Chief had. She had to repeat those things in her head or else she’d take it out on Knox for the rest of her life.
After they left the hospital, Repo and Knox had taken her back to the clubhouse. Everyone had cleared out by now, everyone except Kate and her dad. She cringed, wondering how she’d explain everything to her dad. She didn’t want him thinking poorly of her choice to be with Knox or Knox’s way of life. The clubhouse was dark as they pulled up into the front yard. They made their way toward the door and just before he opened it, she reached over and grabbed Knox’s hand. She felt him looking down at her, but chose not to look up at him. She was fighting the vile thoughts that were trying to force themselves back into her head.
“Oh my God, Ani, I’m so glad you’re ok!” Kate rushed to her, wrapping her up in her arms. Ani froze, her breath ceasing as the entrapped feeling floated through her body. She resisted the urge to push Kate off her. Seeing the despair in Knox’s eyes she gave him a weak smile as she brought her arms up around Kate.
“Where’s my dad?” Ani asked, eyeing around the room to find it empty.
“He’s upstairs. I’ll go get him.” Kate looked up at her warmly, “I’m so glad you’re ok. I was so worried.” She hugged her tightly one last time before she turned and headed up the stairs.
Ani made her way over to the couch and took a seat. She looked around the open room and absorbed the feeling of being home. She took it in, lapping up every last ounce of the familiar feeling. The room felt the same, even though she felt different. She ran her hand over the worn fabric of the couch, attempting to solidify that she was actually here. She heard her dad lumbering down the stairs and looked up to see his warm face. She made her way over to him and wrapped her arms around him without thought; he was her protector. She lingered in his hug as she felt his chest tighten, gently shaking as the tears dripped down onto the shoulder of her black shirt.
“Daddy, I’m ok,” she tried comforting him. “I’m here. I’m ok.”
“I know. I’m just so happy that you’re safe. If it wasn’t for Knox and Cash you wouldn’t be here right now.” He gently patted her hair as he spoke.
She’d heard Knox mention Cash’s name earlier, but hadn’t actually put the two together. Had they worked together to find her? She smiled, imagining how awkward it must have been for them both. Ani’s past and future colliding in a valiant mission to save the woman they loved. The weight behind the meaning of it struck a chord to Ani’s heart. They both loved her, Cash loved the girl she once was and Knox the woman she’d become. Two very opposite creatures, yet the same on so many levels.
She spent time catching up with her dad, but that was short and sweet. She couldn’t bring herself to explain in great depth what had happened, but enough for him to know the threat was gone. She watched as Rage came into the room, grabbing Kate and lifting her off the ground as he planted a passionate kiss on her lips. She wished she could have that once more, but knew that she wouldn’t be able to cross that bridge just yet. Right now she needed the reassurance of his presence more than she needed his touch. She let out a large yawn as Knox came over to the couch and took the seat that her dad had just left.
“You ready for bed, babe?” His hand was gentle as he rested it against her crossed knee. She didn’t flinch from his touch or pull away like her body wanted to. She pushed past that and focused on her love for him.
“Yeah,” she placed her hand on top of his, intertwining their fingers as they made their way upstairs.
She felt exhausted, drained both mentally and physically. She sat on the edge of the bed as Knox undressed. She looked down at her hands, imagining the blood that had stained them only hours before. Butcher’s words floated into her mind, make sure they don’t find out about her. Who was she was supposed to be protecting? Starla? Chloe? Johanna? Of all of the people she thought it could be, Chloe seemed to be the most logical choice. She’d been trying to get with Knox, the president of the M.C., and when she couldn’t she’d been on Butcher’s arm ever since. And, what did it mean? Was this person A.T.F. as well or were they working with them?
Ani laid back onto the bed as Knox came over and climbed under the covers. She wanted to touch him, to wrap up in his arms but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She felt lonely. She was surrounded by people she knew loved her, but she couldn’t feel it. Something had severed the connection of her emotions to her brain. Where once she felt warmth at the thought of love, she now felt a cold emptiness. She wrapped her arms around herself as she rolled over to face Knox. His steel gray eyes held the same worry as his face. She could see that he wanted to help her, but he didn’t know how and neither did she.
“Promise?” she asked over to him.
“I promise. I’m nowhere else but here.”
“No matter how hard it gets?”
“No matter. I’ll never, ever, leave your side. We’re gonna face this together.”
She looked down between them where his hand lay, gently she reached over and took his hand, holding it as they drifted off to sleep. This was going to be the darkest path she’d ever been down, but she knew that there would be light at the end of the tunnel; she just had to make it far enough down the trail to see it.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Haunted
The Out of The Darkness Series, Book #1
Cassandra Love
Coming Soon
Preface
I sit here at the motorcycle club’s bar drowning myself in whiskey. Damon looks at me as I motion for another one. “Baby Girl, you don’t need anymore,” he says with a sad look. I stare at him for a minute. I can barely think straight, which is exactly the way I want it right now.
“Damn it, Damon, just give me the fucking bottle or I’m going to come back there and get it myself,” I snarl. After waiting for what seems like eternity, I stumble my way behind the bar and grab another bottle and then sit back down.
“Jesus, Baby Girl, you’re going to end up killing yourself if you keep drinking like that.” Myles tells me. I look up at him, I can see the concern in his eyes but I don’t care anymore. I just lost the love of my life because of my past.
“I’m just drowning my sorrows, Myles, and don’t call me that anymore,” I tell him. He holds his hands up in defeat and walks away. Damon is standing there looking at me, then someone turns on the jukebox and “Angel on my bike” by The Wallflowers, starts playing. I spin around on the bar stool, I take the nearest glass to me and throw it at the jukebox. One of the club members runs over resets it and turns it back on and starts playing “Whiskey River” by Trick Pony over again then I go back drinking to try and ease the pain of losing Jackson.
I lay my head down on the bar and begin to sob. “Why, Damon, why did he have to be murdered? This is my fault.” I say as I continue to sob.
“Come on sweetheart, I’m going to take you back to one of the spare rooms in the back for people who are too drunk to go home. You need to sleep this off.” Damon says as he scoops me into his arms. I haven’t stopped crying since the local police came to the house and told me that Jackson was dead. I can’t look myself in the mirror as Damon places me on the bed and I drift off to sleep. I dream of Jackson and the morning we had.
I shoot straight up, as the rays from the morning sun is beaming down hitting my eyes. I look around the bleak room and I find my best friend Angel sitting in one of the chairs, staring at me.
“Damn, Sugar, look at you. You’re a mess, come on I’m here to help you through this.” she says. When she reaches for my hand I shove hers away, I don’t want help I just want to be left alone.
“Look I don’t need, nor do I want your help, Angel. I just want to lay here and try to forget this whole screwed up mess. Fuck I just lost the love of my life,” I tell her as I lay my head down on the pillow so she doesn’t see the tears fall. She looks at me for a minute, I guess she’s trying to figure out what smart ass comment she’s going to come back with.
“Listen, Sugar, I’m only going to say this once. The Tori I met would not let this get her down and she sure as hell wouldn’t go around pulling this poor me shit. So get the hell up off that bed and take a shower because you’re going to come and live with me in Texas,” she says sternly while crossing her arms.
I don’t budge so she walks out of the room and comes back in with a pitcher full of ice water and then throws it on me. I gasp trying to catch my breath, “Now get up and get a move on,” her voice grows louder as she speaks.
A month later I find myself in the big and bustling town of Austin, Texas and I’ve been sober for this entire time. Angel has helped me through my emotions and I’m starting to go back into the big lonely world. I’m getting there and starting to do things, but I still haven’t even unpacked all of my things yet. I can go out without seeing Jackson everywhere. Angel’s a drill sergeant, but if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed each morning.
Chapter One
Two weeks later
As I stare at myself in the mirror, I look at my long wavy brown hair curving around my face and then I look into my hazel eyes, so full of pain that anyone who looks close enough can see it. You can tell I’ve seen a lot of pain in my life by just looking in my eyes, but I always put my mask on before going out into the world. Very few know about my past and that’s the way I like it, only a few know about what’s happened to me, but not all of them know everything. It’s just easier this way, that’s why I don’t date, well at least try not to. But I somehow always end up with assholes and it only lasts through a few dates. I’m going to finish my college degree and find a part-time job. Since I have a bad habit of picking the wrong men and I’m not about to make that mistake again. I shake off the sadness of being alone, and walk back into the room to finish unpacking. Holy shit, I didn’t realize I had this much stuff.
Angel walks up behind me, “Damn girl, geek much?” she snickers.
Looking around the room I realize she’s right. I have two laptops, a desktop with five computer monitors and anime posters along with all of my DVD’s. Laughing, I say, “I guess so.”
“What did you want to do for dinner?” Angel asks.
“Anything’s fine with me, I’ve got my first day of school day after tomorrow and I want to make sure I have everything prepared,” I smile.
Angel’s blonde hair is all the way down to her waist and she has the most beautiful cerulean blue eyes. We have gotten along since we met and I’m thankful for her for helping me out again especially after the whole tire fiasco when I was on a back road. I swear I don’t know where I’d be without her. “Alrigh
t, how about we order some Chinese?”
“Sounds good, you know I love Chinese,” I say bent over one of my boxes.
She walks out of the room and I decide to turn on my IPod. “Candyman” by Christina Aguilera starts playing and I start singing along. I’m unpacking and organizing everything in my room for so long that when I look around and realize I’ve only got a few boxes left so I decide to go grab a drink.
As I walk out into the living room I see Angel dancing and singing along with my music. I start laughing as I sneak up beside her and start dancing with her. As the song finishes we let out a loud laugh. “I Don’t Need a Man” by The Pussycat Dolls starts to play without missing a beat we continue to dance, singing loudly to every word as it plays; this is our favorite song. We’ve both been in some pretty screwed up relationships, and after we met we agreed this was our song. The song finishes I look at her “Hey, Honey, do you want go to a club tonight? I want to get out and explore the city a little bit,” I smile
“Hell yeah, we could definitely use a girl’s night.” Angel jumps up and down with excitement since she hasn’t been to a club in almost two month.
“Sweet, I’ve got to head to the book store anyway so we could do that before we get dinner. We can just eat dinner at the club instead of ordering in, but first I’m going to go get ready,” I add as I start walking into the bedroom.
“Why don’t we just make it a girls day? We can go shopping and then get dressed up tonight before we go to the club. I’ll go and get ready,” she says as she walks in her room to get dressed.
Wild Heart (The Wild Heart Series) Page 21
