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Emma asked Dani to meet her at Sea-Tac the Sunday night after World Cup qualifying. Ty was at Benji’s house, as usual, and her mother was at the hospital. Since returning to work, she’d been there more than she’d been home, which was partly why Ty was at the Chandlers’ house so often. Emma thought he also might be actively avoiding home. She didn’t blame him. The two weeks in Canada had given her a break from the cloud of sorrow that seemed permanently camped out over their house. In her mind, Seattle was dark and ominous while Montreal and Ottawa were shiny and new. And how new they had proven to be.
“How was it?” Dani asked as they headed out to short-term parking.
“Good,” Emma said, “even though we lost to effing Canada today.”
“I saw that. But you still qualified for the World Cup, so that doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“No, but I wasn’t on my game. It wasn’t my player who scored, but still, maybe if I’d played better we would have won.”
“Soccer is a team sport, remember?”
“Easy for you to say. You’re a striker. If you don’t score, your team doesn’t necessarily lose. But if a defender or keeper screws up, it usually means a goal.”
“Give yourself a break. You’ve had a lot on your mind, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
Emma bit her lip, trying to hold back a smile.
Dani glanced over. “Oh my god, you totally hooked up with that Tori chick, didn’t you?”
“I did. Like, a bunch of times.”
“Damn, girl.” Dani laughed. “No wonder you don’t seem as pissed as you usually do when you lose a big game. I figured it couldn’t just be two weeks of soccer and summer sun.”
“Oh, it was sunny all right. In my bed.”
“How does that even work? Tell me you didn’t do anything with other people in the room.”
“Of course not. Although I’ve heard that happens a lot in college.”
“Yeah, not sure I’m down with that.”
“Me either. Especially after we were interrupted once.”
Emma paused her story as they reached Dani’s Forester. Her parents had given it to her as a reward for earning a nearly full ride to UCLA. She’d wanted something sportier, but they’d liked the Subaru’s height, stability, and mileage. Not to mention the price tag. You could take the Italian-American out of Jersey, Dani liked to say, but you couldn’t take the cheapness out of the Italian-American.
Bags and seat belts secured, Dani pulled out of the spot and headed for the parking gate. “Details,” she prodded. “Now.”
Emma gave her the abbreviated version of the last couple of weeks. She and Tori weren’t roommates this time, but on the second day of training in Montreal, Tori invited her to go for a walk to a nearby coffee shop where they’d stayed almost until curfew. Tori had kissed her in the elevator on the way up to their floor, and while it hadn’t compared to her kiss with Jamie, Emma had still found the clandestine nature of the exchange thrilling. The next day, they spent their afternoon free period riding scooters to the top of Mount Royal, where they’d explored the park holding hands and making out behind trees and assorted sculptures.
On the fourth day of camp, Emma’s roommate, a girl from Texas, invited her shopping with a group of other girls. When Emma said she was tired and wanted a nap, her roommate gave her a knowing look on her way out and told her to “have fun, girl.”
Emma had texted Tori and then taken a quick shower. She was brushing her hair when Tori knocked on the door, and Emma had opened it, trying not to feel nervous. Unlike Jamie she had kissed her fair share of people. Not that she was thinking of Jamie, because she definitely wasn’t.
“Come in,” Emma said, smiling at Tori. She looked cute and freshly showered in a tank top and board shorts, the tribal tattoo on her shoulder lending her a slightly edgy air.
“Are you sure about this?” Tori had asked, and for once her eyes were deadly serious.
“Positive.” Emma had glanced up and down the hallway, slipped a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door, and pulled Tori into the room by her tank top. Then she kissed her, trying not to remember kissing Jamie.
Tori’s surprise gave way to intensity. She stroked her tongue across Emma’s lips—
“Stop,” Dani said, checking in her rearview mirror before switching lanes.
“You said details.”
“Maybe not quite so many. But how was it? You said you were interrupted?”
“Not that time. And it was, I don’t know, surprising. I think maybe she’s really good at everything because honestly, it was never like that with Drew.”
“Oh, that’s right, he’s your only, isn’t he?” Dani asked.
“Sorry, we can’t all lose our virginity at thirteen.”
“Ouch.”
“What? You always make it sound like I’m the cutest little near-virgin you know.”
“You are. You’re also the only ambisextrous near-virgin I know.”
Emma rolled her eyes. “You’ve been saving that one, haven’t you?”
“Totally.” Dani smiled smugly.
She certainly had come a long way in the past couple of months. When Emma first told her she liked girls, Dani had been unsurprised but also uncharacteristically quiet. Then the thing with Justin had happened, and her best friend had taken her side without hesitation. Dani’s encouragement was one of the reasons Emma had decided to report Justin to the administration, an action that had led to his temporary suspension and an official apology in front of her mom and his parents in the school principal’s office. Now here Dani was making jokes about Emma’s sexuality as if she was even more comfortable with it than Emma was. Which might be the case. Emma still couldn’t quite believe that she’d kissed Jamie and slept with Tori. Grief really did interfere with impulse control.
As they drove home, she filled Dani in on the rest of the trip and answered her plethora of questions. No, it wasn’t serious, she and Tori had both agreed. Yes, it was even better the second, third, and fourth times, except in Ottawa when Tori’s roommate came in and Emma had to hide, giggling, under the sheet until the other girl found her purse and fled. Yes, she had “reciprocated.” And yes, sex with a girl was different than it was with a guy.
“How?” Dani asked, guiding the car off the freeway.
“For one, girls are softer and smoother and not as hairy. It’s also more intimate. You know how guys can sort of close their eyes and plug away as if you’re not even there?”
Dani pulled up at a red light and gave her a pitying look. “Oh, honey, Drew was definitely not doing it right if that’s how it was with him.”
“Really?”
“Really. Did you ever, you know, with him?”
Emma shook her head.
“What about with her?”
She nodded, feeling her cheeks redden. “Like, a bunch of times.”
“Now she blushes,” Dani said to the air as the light changed. “But good for you. What are you now officially, gay?”
“I’m definitely gay for her.”
“What about Jamie? You were gay for her first, weren’t you?”
Emma winced. “Doesn’t matter. I told you, she’s not an option.”
“Maybe not, but she’s still your friend last I checked. You slept with someone who’s not only on the national team but is also your future college teammate. How do you think Jamie is going to feel when she finds out?”
“Who says she has to find out?” Emma said, only half-joking.
“Dude, you’re all in the national team pool. It’s only a matter of time.”
“Oh my god, you’re right.” Emma groaned and slid down her seat. “I’m an awful, terrible, horrible person.”
“You forgot ‘drama queen.’ Seriously, maybe you could, I don’t know, try not to act like a hormonal teenager who can’t keep it in her pants?”
“I know I’ve said I appreciate your unfailing honesty, but I think I’d like to take that statement back.”<
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“Way too late for that,” Dani said as she guided the Subaru into Emma’s driveway. “Now are you feeding me or what? My brothers are at home this weekend, and I cleared out midway through Sunday dinner when the fireworks started.”
“What’s up with Jeff these days, anyway?” Emma asked as they unloaded her bags, only too happy to shift the conversation away from her own disaster of a life. It had honestly never occurred to her that Tori and Jamie could meet. Apparently, as one of her mother’s nursing school friends liked to say, denial wasn’t just a river in Africa.
Dani stayed and helped her polish off the chicken casserole her mom had left in the fridge, catching her up on the last two weeks of school as they ate at the kitchen bar. Then she finally said she should get home so she wouldn’t be too tired for her last final in AP US History the following day.
“Don’t worry. The actual AP test was harder,” Emma said. “You’ll do fine.”
“I can’t believe you got to take your exams with you.”
“That’s one thing about the national team. They make sure you get your homework done.”
“School stuff they’re good with. Preventing underage girls from getting it on in hotel rooms, not so much.”
“Zip it.” Emma shoved her sideways as they walked out into the cool night. Montreal and Ottawa had been hot and muggy most of the time, with the occasional thunderstorm to break the humidity. That was one of the things she loved about Seattle—there weren’t many big cities she could think of that were as comfortable during the summer. Except, maybe, San Francisco…
Almost as if she had sensed it coming, her phone vibrated. She paused beside Dani’s car to check the text: Jamie. Normally Emma texted her as soon as she got home from national team camp. But tonight, as had increasingly been the case, she wasn’t sure what to say.
“Was that her?” Dani asked.
“No, it’s Jamie.”
“That’s who I meant.” Dani squeezed her shoulder. “You’re going to call her, aren’t you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Em, you have to talk to her. She’s your best friend. I should know because that used to be my job.”
“Dan…” Emma stared at her, stunned.
“No, it’s okay. When I was with Nick, I was the same way. He and I connected on a level that I’ve never experienced with anyone. But you’re my oldest friend and I’m yours, and I love you. Though I am definitely not gay for you, hon.”
“Ditto, pal.” Emma pulled Dani in for a hug. “I promise, I’ll talk to her. I’m not sure I’m going to tell her about Canada, though. It didn’t mean anything. I barely know Tori.”
“Which is why she was your perfect first girl?”
“Exactly.”
They slapped hands and Dani paused to admire her nails—some of the girls at camp had had a spa afternoon in their room—and then it really was time to say goodnight.
As the Subaru disappeared down the long driveway, Emma went back inside and turned on the alarm. She’d rarely stayed alone in the house at night, and it wasn’t a very comfortable feeling. Their neighbors were so far away that no one would hear her scream. But the alarm made her feel better as she settled in the living room with the land line, Lucy snuggled up against her.
Jamie picked up on the third ring. “Hey, Shoreditch.”
“That’s Shorecrest to you, Maxwell,” Emma said automatically in a snotty British accent. She was tired, really tired, but now that they were actually talking, it was almost a relief to hear Jamie’s voice. She’d missed her. Nothing new—she always missed her.
“I heard about Canada. Sorry, dude.”
“Me, too. But at least we qualified.”
“I know. Congrats! By the way, have you seen MLS scores?”
“I actually saw a lot of the games the past couple of weeks. You know, as part of our training.”
“I figured.” She hesitated. “I watched without you. Hope that was okay.”
“Oh. I mean, of course.” Emma had set the DVR before she left so that they could watch together like they usually did. But finding time could be difficult, so it made sense.
“How was the tournament?”
Emma told her about her experience in Canada, leaving out the part about any girl-on-girl action. She would rather stick a hot poker in her eye than admit to Jamie that she’d had same-sex sex. Instead she relayed the interesting and amusing bits, hoping she was the only psychic one in this relationship. Friendship. Whatever.
“What about you? Anything new?” she asked eventually.
“Actually, yeah,” Jamie said, and suddenly she sounded nervous. “I, um, started dating someone.”
Emma sat straight up on the couch, blinking. Outside a ferry boat was passing, and she focused on the familiar sight, trying to catch her breath. It was ridiculous to be this upset about Jamie going out with someone else when she’d had her hand up Tori’s shirt less than twenty-four hours before.
“Emma?”
“Sorry, Dani was texting me. What were you saying? You went out on a date?”
“Yeah.” She sounded wary. “Two dates, actually.”
“Congratulations.” Emma forced her voice to sound cheerful. “Who’s the lucky girl?”
“Faith.”
“As in, Spanish class Faith?”
“Yeah. She asked me out last week.”
Emma leaned back against a throw pillow, rubbing her temples to ease the headache beginning to form there. The girl Jamie had liked on and off all year apparently liked her back. She should be happy for her, right? Right. Totally.
“Wow,” she managed. “That—that’s great. Good for you.”
Jamie hesitated. Then she said, her voice soft, “You know, if it’s too weird, we don’t have to talk about this.”
Emma slid her fingers through Lucy’s silky fur. “It’s fine. We’re friends, right? This is what friends do.”
There was silence at the other end. A long silence, in which Emma could almost hear Jamie thinking: But are we? Friends? Which of course they were. Because if they weren’t, then what were they?
She tried again. “Tell me about Faith. You’ve had a crush on her forever, haven’t you?”
“I guess so,” Jamie said after a moment. “She’s pretty cool. We went out for ice cream a few days ago and then to a show last night with Meg and Becky.”
As Jamie described her second date with Faith, Emma closed her eyes, trying not to picture her in a dark club in San Francisco, some girl pressed up against her as a band played a few feet away. When Jamie said they’d kissed, Emma felt numb. Not quite like the day her dad died, but similar. And that’s when she realized: What she had feared all along had happened. Jamie had managed to break her heart anyway, possibly without even knowing it.
She sat up and reached for her cell, opened it and made it beep just as Jamie was saying something about a conversation they’d had about Amanda a while ago; did Emma remember?
“I’m sorry,” she said, the lies coming easily now, “my mom needs me to call her. Can we talk later in the week?”
“Oh. Yeah. Text me, okay?”
“I will.” Emma hesitated. “Good luck with Faith. I hope she knows how lucky she is.”
Then she hung up before Jamie could say anything else. She lay back on the couch and pressed her face against the soft fleece pillow they’d had for as long as she could remember. The scent of her father’s aftershave lingered on it still, and she took a deep, shaky breath, unsurprised when it turned into a half-sob. None of the girls at camp had known anything about her dad, and she hadn’t mentioned it to anyone, not even Tori. The coaching staff knew and made sure to check in regularly to see how she was holding up. But Surf Cup aside, he hadn’t been a very involved soccer parent in years, and no one else’s parents showed up at the U-19 camp. U-17s was one thing, but most of the girls in Canada were already in college or, like her, about to start. From now on, national team camps and competitions would be mostly parent-free, w
hich meant no one would have to know about her dad unless she wanted them to.
The same went for Tori. And right now, other than Dani, she was pretty sure she didn’t want anyone to know about their hook-up. If one of Dani’s first comments had been to ask about Jamie, she could only imagine her mother’s reaction. Her mom already thought she and Jamie were a couple, as did Ty. She was pretty sure they’d be pissed at her for “cheating” on Jamie with another girl.
Had she cheated? No, of course not. Jamie was the one who had put the brakes on after her visit—not that Emma hadn’t given her ample cause with her temporary disappearing act. Why did it feel like she had betrayed Jamie then? You can help who you fall in bed with, she had told her the night of the memorial service. Nice theory, but somehow it was proving less black and white in practice.
Beside her, Lucy moaned in her sleep, feet twitching as if she were chasing—or being chased by—something in her dreams. Emma rubbed the dog’s neck and whispered, “It’s okay, Luce. I’m right here. You’re okay.”
Hadn’t Jamie whispered those same things to her as they lay in bed together, nearly as close as two people could get? She’d sworn she wasn’t going anywhere, just as Emma had. But even as they’d made those promises, Emma had known they couldn’t possibly keep them. Still, how she’d wished they could.
A Nancy Griffith song her mom loved popped into her head. If wishes were changes, Jamie would have been the one she met at U-19 camp, the one who would be her teammate for the next few years. But wishes weren’t changes, and so Jamie would remain in Berkeley with Faith for the foreseeable future while Emma joined Tori at UNC. Life was unfolding in the only direction it could: forward, inexorably carrying them away from each other.
She couldn’t pretend she hadn’t known that this split, this break was coming. But just because something was inevitable didn’t mean it hurt any less. She sucked in a sharp breath, her lungs tight as if there wasn’t enough air in the room. Beside her, Lucy’s tail hit the couch rhythmically, comfortingly. Emma closed her eyes as she tried to breathe, fingers entwined in the warm fur of her father’s dog.
This wasn’t how her senior year was supposed to go. How had everything gotten so messed up? And, more to the point, how was she possibly going to fix it?
Training Ground Page 25
