by Lola StVil
Logan looks down at him and races towards us to finish off what he started. I put myself between him and Jack knowing that he won’t hit me. While Logan doesn’t strike me, he does pick me up effortlessly and put me aside. He sits on Jack’s chest and pounds on him repeatedly.
I’m screaming at Logan to stop but he keeps going. The only thing that saves Jack’s life is the appearance of the other Hunter brothers. Kat had found them around the hotel and told them what was happening; together the four of them hold their brother back. While Jack is getting medical care, Logan glares at me and sends cold shivers down my spine. It’s not just his rage that gets me, it’s the depth of his heartbreak.
“Tell me what I saw was not what really happened,” he demands.
“Logan…”
“Tell me! Tell me you weren’t in our room fucking my best friend!”
That’s when I realize just how much I love him; because the thought of him in pain hurts me. I don’t want him to ever have to sit at my bedside, watching me in pain. I’d rather have him away, happy with someone else, than be sentenced to weeks or months at a hospital. I thought of breaking up with him but could not do it. This is my chance. I can give him a much happier future than the one fate has handed to me. I don’t doubt that Logan would be there for me, but why should he have to be?
There’s a chance this cancer could kill me—a very real chance. When you love people, you spare them when you can. And I can do this; I can spare him future pain down the line.
“SHAY, ANSWER ME GODDAMN IT! DID YOU FUCK JACK?!”
“Yes…I did.”
The next day, I go back to the house and he asks me again and again I lie. He doesn’t get angry this time; he just looks at me like a wounded creature and asks why. I give some stupid excuse and tell him I’m sorry. And that’s how we end—he is broken and I am sorry. A few days later, I’m headed to the operating room and the love of my life is headed out of the country…
***
Shay (Present)
I stand in the middle of my office with my back to the door, while Kat sits behind my desk, looking over at me. She thinks that I should practice what I’m going to say to Logan.
“I don’t think I need to practice. I’m just going to tell him the truth,” I remind her.
“Girl, let’s get real. You want to tell him the truth in a way that doesn’t kill any chance you two have of getting back together. That takes practice,” she says, arching her eyebrow.
“Okay, I got this. Logan, I wasn’t as truthful—”
“No! If you two want to start fresh, then be honest. No bullshit. Logan is that kind of guy. Just give it to him straight,” she pushes.
“Alright. How’s this: Logan, there was a misunderstanding that night—”
Kat hurls a magazine at me from behind the desk. I barely manage to dodge it.
“Hey!” I protest.
“Woman, just tell the truth and shame the damn devil!” she says, sounding like a fiery Baptist preacher.
“ARGH!” I shout in frustration. I refuse to let my nerves get the better of me yet again.
“Fine, okay, I will just tell him straight out: Logan, I lied to you. I never cheated on you with Jack or anyone else. I lied to push you away.”
“What the fuck did you just say?” someone demands in a steely voice behind me. Both Kat and I turn our attention toward the door.
Logan.
My heart is beating so hard against my chest, it’s about to jump out of my body. A tidal wave of dread washes over me.
“Shay, what do you mean you never cheated on me?” he asks again.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t notice he entered the office,” Kat whispers.
“It’s okay. Kat, will you excuse us?” I reply, never taking my eyes off of Logan. She walks past Logan and out the door. Logan walks towards me, his presence more looming and menacing than usual.
“You need to start talking. Fast,” he orders. I look up at him, swallow hard, and try my best not to turn my eyes away.
“I let you think that I cheated on you because I had breast cancer and I didn’t want you to have to go through the hell you went through with your sister.”
“You have cancer?” he asks, beside himself.
“I had cancer—but I’m okay now. Everything is okay,” I reply as I reach out to him. He steps back, his nostrils flaring. His jaw is clenched tight and his eyes are aglow with rage. He opens his mouth but no words come out. He shakes his head in the kind of anger he usually reserves for the field. He turns his back to me and goes for the exit. I quickly place my body between him and the door.
“Please, just let me explain,” I beg.
“You need to get out of my way,” he says, trying to control the ire in his shaking voice.
“I know I lied to you but let me explain.”
“Get out of my way,” he says in a razor-sharp voice that cuts right through me.
“Logan please, I—”
“MOVE!!!”
Startled, I nearly jump out of my skin as I step aside and let him get to the door. He grabs hold of the doorknob and practically pulls the door off its hinges. Banshee is outside in the staff area and has heard everything that’s been said. Logan charges though the center like a pissed-off bull out to kill. As he walks by Banshee he orders him to watch me.
“Logan! Logan, wait! Please!” I call out as I sob into my hands…
(Present)
I don’t fucking remember going home and heading to the gym in my basement. All I know is that I’m here hitting this fucking punching bag and for the first time in my life, it’s not calming me down—if anything it’s making me angrier. I wear myself out hitting the damn thing for over an hour and it does nothing to quiet my rage.
“FUUUUUUUCK!” I shout as I snatch up the large bottle of water near me and hurl it at the window. The water splashes all over the window.
“Damn, what did that thing do to you?” Wyatt asks as he comes down the steps and into the home gym.
“Who called you?” I ask.
“I came by the center to tell you that Cash has made contact and thanks to you we were able to give him the right safe house info.”
Getting the guy to give us the info we needed in order to get Cash to the right safe house wasn’t hard at all. I found him at a chop shop in the Bronx, salivating over the engine of a black Ford Mustang. I very politely reminded him of how important hands were to car repair. It turns out he was very fond of his hands and didn’t want them broken. So, he told us what we needed to know.
“Is Cash alright?” I ask.
“He’s hurt but wouldn’t give details over the phone.”
“Damn it, how long until he gets a ride out of that shit hole?” I ask.
“Working on it.”
“Great, let me know as soon as he’s out of there. Is that what you came to tell me? You could have called,” I say.
“When I was at the center, Banshee told me what happened.”
“Banshee talks too fucking much.”
“Yeah, there’s that…” he says, trying to gauge just how pissed off I am. He wants to know if the water bottle is just the start.
“Go home, Wyatt.”
“Look, I get why you’re pissed off, man.”
“I’m not gonna tell you again,” I warn as I take the stairs three at a time. He follows me up to the first floor.
“I’m sorry about...”
“TWO YEARS! TWO YEARS OF OUR LIVES, GONE! SHE WAS SICK, I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE, I COULD HAVE HELPED…I COULD…FUCK!!!”
The weight of the past twenty-four hours finally hits me. I sit on a nearby chair and put my head in my hands, trying not to fucking lose it completely.
“Did you know about it?” I accuse.
“What? No fucking way! C’mon, man.
“Logan, if you want to take off and have me watch over her, I will do that. It’s only a few days until the trial,” he offers.
“No. I came here to make sure she was
okay and that won’t happen until the Malone problem is over. And I think I know how I’m gonna make that happen,” I reply.
“You have a plan?”
“Yeah, I’m gonna feed him to the wolves.”
“What does that mean?”
“You’ll see.”
“Okay, but do you want to keep watching her?”
“Yeah, this is something I have to do myself,” I reply.
“I talked to her and she told me how she ended in bed with Jack—”
“No, I don’t want to hear the rest of the story from anyone but her. I need to hear her say it. She was the one I was gonna marry and she should have been the one to tell me…”
“Yeah, she should’ve.” He nods quietly.
“She had cancer. Wyatt, she could have died…she went through all of that, and chose to do it without me. Maybe she knew something I didn’t.”
“Like what, Logan?”
“Like how I failed Rose and how I would most likely have failed her too.”
“That’s not what happened—”
“It doesn’t fucking matter anymore.” I take in a deep breath and when I exhale, I let go of all the emotions I’m feeling. In fact, I let go of emotions, period. It’s what you need to do when you’re about to undertake a mission and that’s what the thing with Shay is now: a mission. That’s how I have to treat it, regardless of how much that shit hurts.
“I know the FBI has both mob families under constant surveillance. I need to know their schedule for the next few days,” I ask. My formal tone tells Wyatt we’re done discussing my feelings for today and the foreseeable future.
“Look, I know Shay was wrong but—”
“Wyatt, the family’s schedule, can you get it or not?”
“Yeah, I will.”
“Thanks, and let me know as soon as you hear about Cash,” I say as I head out the door.
“Now that we know which safe house is secure, he has a shot. Where you going?” my little brother asks.
“I’m gonna get some fucking answers.”
“You should wait until you are calm or at least until you start blinking again.”
“I’ve waited two years. That’s long enough.”
***
A half hour later, I enter our hotel room. She has her back to me. She’s leaning on the window frame, looking out at the skyline. On any other day I would have given my soul to be able to stand behind her and slide my arms around her. On any other damn day, I’d envision nibbling on that spot just behind her ear, the one that makes her inhale sharply and shiver. But today, I can’t do that because the woman standing a few yards away has thrown a hand grenade into my world. Now everything is crumbling…
“Wyatt said you told him what happened. He offered to tell me but I think I deserve to hear it from you,” I demand as she faces me. Her eyes are puffy and her jaw is tense. She crosses her hands in front of her and places them over her midsection.
“You’re right, you should have heard it from me,” she replies in a soft voice.
“Well, two years have already passed; don’t you think you’ve kept your audience waiting long enough?” I ask bitterly.
“Okay, it started when I went for a checkup…” she begins. I listen as she tells me about her diagnosis, the panic attacks, and how she ended up half naked on the bed with Jack. Every new piece of information is a piece of shrapnel tearing through my chest. I let her finish and when she does, the room crackles with tension as she waits for me to respond.
“Logan, please say something.”
“What do you want me to say?” I ask, shrugging my shoulders. “I am glad you’re better now and I hope to God you never get sick again. I really do.”
“Is that all?”
“What else is there to say?” I reply.
“Anything, just don’t shut me out,” she says.
I laugh sardonically and fold my arms against my chest. “You are accusing me of shutting you out? Are you fucking serious?”
“Logan, I—”
“No! I’m talking,” I snap. “We slept in the same bed, we took showers together, I was the first man inside you. And when you needed someone the most, you went to everybody but me. Is that right?”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yeah, Shay, it is just that simple.”
“Only a few people knew about me being sick,” she assures me as if that would help.
“You told your best friend, you told my partner, you told a room full of fucking strangers that you were sick. You shared what should have been between us with everyone but me.”
“I’m sorry,” she says, swallowing back tears.
“Sorry for which part, Shay?” I hold out my hand and start to count on my fingers. “The part where you lied to me for two years? The part where you let me hate my best friend, or the part where you made it so that I couldn’t be there for you when you needed me the most?”
“I’m sorry for all of it. I am,” she pleads.
“Were you ever gonna tell me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Bullshit! You know!”
“I tried, okay? Back when we were together, I tried to tell you so many times but…you talked about hating hospitals and never wanting to go there again.”
“Yes, it sucked to watch my little sister laying in that hospital bed, and yes it was hell, but I would have gone there again—for you! I would have done it for you. That was my job. I signed up to be your husband. I am the guy that was supposed to be holding your hand whether we were about to enter heaven or hell. We hold each other’s fucking hand and we don’t let go. That was the deal.”
“I know…”
“Then why the fuck did you let go? Why didn’t you tell me? And don’t you dare make it sound like it’s my fault for hating hospitals. I remember the night I said that and if you had told me what was going on with you, I would have taken back everything I said. You had a million chances and you didn’t come clean with me. Why the fuck didn’t you come clean?”
“I know what watching Rose die did to you. I didn’t want to put you through that. I wanted to spare you; can’t you see that? I did what was best for you.”
“You had no right to make that decision for me!” I bark. “Look what you took away from us. The moments we lost.”
“They weren’t good moments, don’t you get that? I had cancer; I wasn’t relaxing on the beach with a fruity drink in my hand. I was in pain, I was weak, and I was scared. Why would you want to be a part of that?”
“Because I love you! That’s what love is supposed to be, right? It’s you being there for me and me doing everything to be there for you. You are supposed to be scared, with me. You were supposed to be weak and in pain with me there beside you. Yes, it would have been hell but it would have been bearable because we’d have each other.”
She yells desperately, “Logan, you go out of your way to protect me, that’s what I was trying to do for you. Just because there are no guns involved doesn’t mean you can’t get hurt. I didn’t want you to have to smell the hospital hallways or sleep in the waiting room while death was lurking in every corner. Damn it, I tried to protect your heart, don’t you see that?”
“What heart? Shay, I haven’t had a heart since the night you ripped it out of my goddamn chest. I’ve spent the last two years with this fucking hole inside me and everything I try to fill it with hasn’t worked. You think you were protecting me? How, Shay? By looking me in the eye and telling me you fucked my friend? By watching me die a thousand fucking deaths thinking that I had somehow pushed you towards Jack?
“I carried you around the world with me. And with every flash of our happy life together came a slew of questions I couldn’t answer. Why did Shay cheat on me? Where the fuck did I go wrong? How did I meet the love of my life and let her get away? Why did my fucking heart just walk out the door? The more questions I asked myself the less I understood. You knew that I loved you and that it would kill me to be away from you
and yet…you think you protected me from getting hurt? No, you ensured it. That’s not you being protective. That’s you being cruel.”
“Please, try to understand. It took everything I had to send you away. All I wanted was to have you there with me but it wasn’t fair to ask you to live through that again,” she says as she steps closer.
“You didn’t trust me to handle it. You didn’t believe in me or in us. And you cost us two years that we can’t get back. I never got to hold your hand. I should have been there when you were waking up from your surgery, I should’ve…” I shake my head. “You needed me. And I needed to know that I could come through for someone I loved. And you took that away.”
“Logan, I know you’re upset and I want you to—”
“I’m not upset, I’m fucking pissed off. I’m pissed because you lied to me. And yeah, that really sucked but you know what’s worse—you made me be the one thing I never wanted to be in your life—the guy that doesn’t show up.”
“I know.”
“Do you remember me telling you that?” I ask.
“Yeah, I do.”
“But it didn’t matter. In the end, you just did whatever you wanted to do. It was selfish.”
“I was being selfish?” she says in disbelief.
“Yes!”
“Look, I lied to you and yes that was wrong. But you will not stand there and accuse me of being selfish! How dare you? I fought against every fiber of my being so that no matter how bad things got, I didn’t reach out to you.”
“Why the hell are you saying that with pride, Shay?”
“Because that’s exactly what you would have done! You would have crawled through glass if it meant protecting me. And that’s what I was doing for you. I was dragged into hell and you’re pissed off because I didn’t take you with me? Well, fuck that. I’m sorry I lied and that it hurt you. But I’m not sorry I prevented you from watching someone else you love suffer.
“I’m not sorry that I swallowed my need, my want, and all my desires so that you could be free from the hopeless void that can sometimes come with cancer. You already went to hell, I fucking love you, and I will not drag you there again. Don’t you get it; you’re not the only one who gets to protect their loved ones.”
