by Gaja J. Kos
“Lotte…”
Alec tried to fight my jerking, but one harsh look from me had him letting go without further argument. I had a mission. A part to play.
I had to hold on to that if nothing else.
So I scrambled away from him with all the strength I could muster, although the sudden absence of his warmth caused me to stumble. My hip crashed against the desk, and I shifted my body to make the most of its support.
But despite my resolve, my hands trembled viciously when I picked up the stationary phone and punched in Isa’s number.
Her voice greeted me on the first ring, as if she’d been expecting me to call, but I didn’t let her finish whatever her syllables would have connected into, given the chance. I didn’t want to hear the cold in her tone—wasn’t certain I could survive it.
“Rosalie,”—I swallowed audibly—“my friend, she—”
“I know,” Isa whispered softly, any hint of her anger gone. “One of our agents informed me moments after you left.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “But you don’t know that she felt unwell yesterday. At the party. She said she had too much champagne, but I think… Gods, she must have taken the drug—”
“We don’t know if it’s Nill yet. The official report—”
“Don’t bullshit me with getting bureaucratic,” I snapped. “You know her death isn’t natural.”
Isa’s silence said more than words ever could.
I used the small reprieve to wind those threads still keeping me together tighter around me. And somehow I suspected Isa was well aware of what I was going through. After all, her pause lasted just long enough for me to convince myself that I could fall apart later.
“When did she leave the party?” she asked, her voice once more all business, although not quite as detached.
I rummaged through my memory. It was a haze, a scrambled, fucked-up mess that sent talons of guilt raking down my insides. But in it, I found my answer.
“A little before midnight.”
Isa let loose a tight breath. “Did you see her take anything? Talk with anyone?”
“Shit, at the party?” I rubbed my forehead. “She must have been around dozens of people. She mentioned seeing Linus, but I didn’t know if they spoke or not.”
I tried to illuminate those fragments of memory containing Rosalie’s image, but it was all a blur. While I’d noticed her, I hadn’t been watching her.
Finally, I gave up.
“I wasn’t with her until later, right before she left, and all I saw her drinking was the damned champagne.”
Gods, why hadn’t I warned her about Nill? Why had I let her go outside alone? Maybe if I’d been there for her, if I’d called an ambulance…
“That’s good, Lotte.” Isa’s voice cut through my nauseating ravings. “We’ll be able to use that. Tell me, is Alec near you?”
I let out a grunt that only moderately sounded like a yes. I’d almost forgotten about his silent presence in the room.
“Ask him to take you home, Lotte. I’ll be in touch as soon as any news comes to light.”
I cried all the way to my apartment. A sniveling mess, that’s what I was. But whenever I remembered, whenever I heard Rosalie’s laughter flutter through my mind, recalled our last match together… Gods, why her.
For the second time, I wished death had found another. It made me a fucking horrible person, but I didn’t care. I wanted Rosalie back. I wanted Christian back.
Even with the absurd fact that I actually knew the lord of the underworld, knew their souls were loved and cared for, I couldn’t accept that they had been ripped away like this.
Alec scooped me into his arms once he killed the engine. My body was in no shape to hold my weight, let alone walk, so he did the only thing he could and carried me upstairs. He fished my apartment keys from my jacket pocket with one hand, let us both in, then eased me onto the couch.
With a soft whimper, I curled up on my side. Alec’s gentle touch trailed through my hair as I buried my head in one of the throw pillows, wishing the fabric would just swallow me up.
“Can I get you anything?” he asked gently, continuing his trail of caresses.
I shook my head. I was nauseous and not entirely certain I wouldn’t end up throwing up as it was.
“I can stay with you if you want, really,” he offered, just as he had before in the car. “All matches have been postponed, and I’m sure no one will miss me at the Zentrum. And even if they did, well, I’ll tell them precisely where they can shove it.”
“It’s fine,” I said, choking a little on another sob. “I’d like to be alone. I need—I need to process this, Alec. And I’m afraid that with you here—”
“You won’t go deep enough.” He nodded. “I understand.”
I blinked up at him, his compassion filling me with warmth that loosened some of the icy shackles still gripping my insides. Alec knew when to push and when to let go. Even if it hurt him to do it.
But nothing could change the truth. I had to get through this myself. Not use Alec as a crutch, as easy as it might have been.
The fight was mine.
“I’ll keep my phone on me.” His fingers tangled with my hair one last time. “If anything happens, if there’s anything I can do—call.”
I nodded and angled my head just enough for him to give me a tender kiss. I accepted the warmth, then let it go.
When the door closed behind him and I found myself with nothing but my grief keeping me company, I opened up and allowed it to consume me.
Down to the very last tear.
The morning I hardly remembered, and the afternoon passed in a blur of thoughts I hoped I’d never have to harbor. They rolled through me incessantly, a swarm of what ifs and scenarios that would never unfold, only drive me mad.
Dropping my shields and allowing myself to feel everything had created a chasm within me. I was empty and bursting at the seams at the same time, the struggle draining my strength.
But as I grew weaker, the loss of all that energy took with it the hysteria. The emotions that seemed so intent to choke me with their erratic presence. And when I was well and truly spent, I managed to force myself to eat. Managed to drag myself to the shower and stand under the scalding water until my body was free from the chills.
Until I finally started to feel something aside from the void gaping in my chest.
I wiped the fog off the mirror and met my haunted reflection.
My eyes were bloodshot and puffy, dark half-moons lurking beneath. Small tears in my lips that hadn’t yet healed testified I’d spent a good portion of the time chewing them, and my skin was so white it was almost painful to look at.
But there was something else underneath, too.
An edge of determination that gave me hope.
Nothing I could do would bring Christian and Rosalie back. Nothing could return their laughter to this world, stop the imprints they had left becoming memories instead of the possibilities they had once been. Should have been.
But I did have something to hold on to. A thread—sharp as a blade and vicious as the wolf living within me.
Vengeance.
I could give them vengeance.
I held on to it with all I had, letting it flow through my veins until it infused my very heart. And yet, even as my mind calmed fully and the path now laid out before me was clear, the hurt remained.
Somehow, I knew this was one scar nothing could erase.
15
A knock sounded at my door just as I was done with another series of push-ups. I’d practically burned through my regular routine in less than half an hour, so I added a few more repetitions that had started to bring on the usual satisfactory aches.
Unfortunately, I would probably need ten more minutes to get the result I wanted, although I suspected that wasn’t going to be the case.
Panting and sweaty, I pushed off the ground and sucked in a lungful of air. I filtered through the scents as I padded across
the hardwood floor, surprised, if not exactly taken aback by who I found waiting on the other side.
Still, I took a breath before unlocking the door and meeting Isa’s emerald stare.
“May I come in?” she asked.
A part of me wanted to shut the door straight in her face for the insults she’d tossed at my feet back at the compound. But while tempting—and more than well deserved, too—I couldn’t help recalling the softness in her voice when I’d told her about Rosalie.
For a moment there, she’d cast off her armor of ice and actually cared.
And, in the end, it was that that moved my body aside, clearing the threshold for her to cross.
To my surprise, Isa made a beeline to the couch and sank onto the cushions. She was still as graceful as ever, but uncharacteristically casual at the same time. Maybe even a little bit defeated.
Definitely not a good sign.
I padded over and claimed the empty spot next to her, busying myself with wiping off the sweat from my face instead of talking. While I might have chosen to let her in, this part was entirely up to her.
One boon was all I had to offer at this point.
Isa entwined her fingers, a sharp inhale preceding her words, but her opening statement was far from one I expected. “Linus confessed to possessing Nill.”
“And?” I arched an eyebrow. Wasn’t this supposed to be a good thing? If he confessed to possession, then he clearly wasn’t taking the tight-lipped route. “Why aren’t you celebrating?
The slightest hint of her fangs pressed against her lower lip as she sighed. “He claims it’s for his personal use. Unfortunately, I’m inclined to believe him.”
“Well, that sucks.”
I’d been positive his arrest would be a step forward in the case, not just more pacing on the same fucking spot.
He had a shitload of Nill in that container. I didn’t know the exact dosage, but if it worked even remotely like any other drug, there was a lot more than one person could burn through in a month. Possibly two. His wallet had to have taken a hit.
The only reason I could think of someone stocking up was if they were dealing or knew with absolute certainty the officials wouldn’t find a way to pick up on the drug anytime soon.
Either way, it sounded like involvement to me.
Isa barked out a dry laugh. “At least the bastard will get to live another day.”
“You’ve tested him?”
I snagged the open bottle of water from the table and nestled myself higher against the backrest, one arm thrown over the curved top.
“We have the preliminary results. The lab is still running a couple of specialized ones, but so far, it seems Linus’s organs are perfectly healthy. If he’s a regular user as he claims, he’s smart about it.”
I placed the bottle back on the table and frowned. And not just because doping and smart were polar opposites.
“So there is a…safe…way of using Nill?”
“It appears so.” She rubbed her temples. “ICRA intends to keep him in holding for as long as it takes for us to uncover the exact way the drug works. Our scientists are hopeful that with a live subject at their disposal, they might be able to devise a technique for picking up on Nill even in active bloodstreams.”
That would certainly be a breakthrough.
“Do you have any idea where he got the drug from?”
She shook her head, annoyance written plainly on her sharp features. “He claimed a coach from his early years gave him a number when they spoke about his somewhat less than stellar form. He then dropped the cash at a predetermined location, picked up the drug at another.” Her annoyance deepened. “The coach disappeared off the face of the earth, and the number Linus called belonged to a burner phone, presumably destroyed after the exchange was made.”
I blew out a breath. They certainly knew how to cover their tracks. But… “Wait, how was he supposed to get more?”
It didn’t make a whole lot of sense, unless they arranged another meet in advance. But if that were the case, I was pretty certain Isa wouldn’t be looking like someone on the verge of committing murder.
“He wasn’t.” Her gaze drilled into mine, one of her eyebrows arching up. “He claimed he was trying to find another way to the supplier for the past month. He was inventive, but no luck.”
I pursed my lips, mulling over her words. “That’s kind of a shitty way to run a business, isn’t it? I mean, why get clients if you’re so eager to drop them after one round? Even if his initial purchase had added up to quite a lot...”
“Precisely.” She crossed her legs, then draped an arm over the backrest and turned to me, our poses mirroring one another perfectly. “I have to admit that in all my years at ICRA, and even before, when I worked under the radar for a sensitive on the force, I’d never seen a case quite like this. I’d expect some sadistic serial killer to escape the grasp of logic we have, but drug dealers?
“With the demand for Nill, you’d think they would be eager to roll in all the money these fools were so willing to throw their way.” Her eyebrows knitted together in a delicate frown. “And there is one more thing that doesn’t fit… Due to the results our medics gathered from Linus, they were able to determine that Christian Schiller had only taken a single dose of Nill. You were right, Lotte. Your athlete wasn’t a user. Or at least not until that day.”
I swallowed heavily. I should have been pleased that Christian hadn’t lied. That I hadn’t been wrong. But somehow, the thought only made me feel worse.
A single step in the wrong direction. That was all it had taken to strip him of his life.
Fuck if I could take consolation in that.
“But why such a difference? Why does Linus get to walk when Christian…”
“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I honestly don’t know.”
We fell into a thick silence, but our respective thoughts were loud enough to fill the room. I could see Isa’s written in the furrow of her brow, in the slight tightening of her lips, and I could hear mine clearly enough. Only they led us nowhere.
“Listen, Lotte,” she said after a few minutes. “I want to apologize for my behavior this morning.”
One of my eyebrows rose on its own accord.
“Given my age, I do hold somewhat more…traditional…values, but I was out of line. I know nothing I say can excuse my actions, but believe me that I wasn’t even aware I was going to snap until it was too late.”
She didn’t look at me as she said it, but I kept my gaze on her, studying how she fought to keep her face closed off. As if there were something there she didn’t want me to see.
“So why did you?” I asked.
She lifted her gaze to me, and my breath caught in my throat.
No, I reminded myself. You’re reading too much into this.
I was still repeating that same line in my mind when Isa cocked her head to the side, leaning just a little closer. Losing a silent battle, it seemed.
And so was I.
“Because you’re positively infuriating,” she whispered, the barest hint of a smile forming in the corners of her luscious mouth before it died down. “And it still doesn’t make me desire you any less.”
A thin, thin breath left my suddenly dry lips, and I was all too aware of how little space separated us, of how inviting her mouth looked—and how badly I wanted to steal that alluring fullness. The tips of her fangs glistened in the artificial light, heat uncurling deep inside my body at the thought of her tasting me…
I closed the distance before either of us could taint the purity of our admissions.
Isa stilled, but only for a moment. Then she was pressing me down onto the couch, her slender body covering mine. Her taste filled my mouth, joined by a faint trace of blood as her fangs scraped my lips, my tongue… I groaned into her kiss, one of my hands coming to rest on her back while the other cupped the fine, supple curve of her ass.
Gods, every nerve in my body came alive, burning under the weight o
f her hunger.
I slid my hand lower, hooking my fingers beneath the hem of her short black skirt. Inch by inch, I pushed the smooth material higher, over the lace of her panties until it bunched around her waist. She writhed as I traced my fingers across the newly exposed skin, cherishing the touch.
Rubbing her breasts against mine, Isa devoured my lips until they were swollen, aching, the pleasure spreading through my veins in a blaze of heat that coalesced between my thighs. I couldn’t recall ever wanting someone this fiercely. Couldn’t remember losing myself so fully, so completely in another person. As if we were destined to fall in each other’s arms.
Hooking my thumb into her panties, I eased them down an inch—
My phone screeched from its spot on the club table.
As if the sound shattered some spell, Isa pulled back with vampiric speed, her lovely face flushed and fangs on full display. But as I lay my hand on her thigh, she shook her head.
“We can’t.” With another fine shake, she settled back on her side of the couch and fumbled with her skirt until the slip of her panties disappeared out of sight. “It isn’t appropriate.”
“Fuck appropriate,” I whispered, and a flicker in her eyes told me she thought the same.
But still, she stayed there, breathing heavily and keeping this distance between us solid. Unmoving.
Needing to keep myself busy to stifle the hunger that continued to pulse deep in my core, I reached for the phone and glared at the email that had so rudely interrupted what could have been something monumental.
The schedule for the Games.
Gods, was I ever going to catch a break…
I blew out a breath and opened the attachment, finding Alec’s and my name first, then skimming over the rest. I didn’t dare look at Isa as I scanned the contents, too fucking aware of her presence by my side. But when I reached Rosalie’s slot and saw who had automatically advanced to the next round—when I noted who had moved forward now that Linus had been arrested…
My heart hammered in my chest.
Isa must have noted the sudden change. She leaned closer, but didn’t comment.
