“You need to get it together Jazzy. I hope that you don’t think that you can just take off every time something goes wrong. You have to work until the results are in like everyone else.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. Breeze was really acting like none of this affected him. I couldn’t even count the number of times that we had sex after my threesome with the boys. But there he stood, all high and mighty, as if he was a Teflon-don, as if he was invincible.
“I don’t give a shit about work right now. Work can kiss my ass, and if you throw my contract in my face, I swear to God I’m gonna tell you the fuck off.”
I knew that my contract would be his next line of defense so I warned him before I unleashed the beast that he had yet to meet.
“You’re gonna do what? Anyway, all I’m trying to do is help you get back on track. The world doesn’t stop because you’re having a bad day. I had to deal with my dad’s foot up my ass over this bullshit yet I still got my ass up and went to work. And by the way, YOU ARE UNDER CONTRACT.”
Once the last of his words left his mouth, it was as if my body was on fire. Rage filled me like a sink overflowed. I jumped out of my body and half way charged and walked toward him. I leaned over and extended my hand out so that it could reach him where he sat. The first slap across his face left him stunned, the second left him pissed and hurt. Never did he think that I would ever be so disrespectful.
“Bitch, have you lost your mind?”
My body was shaking and I no longer had control over my emotions. My devastation had taken me to a place that was dark and cold hearted. The person who was supposed to be my rock didn’t give a fuck about how I was feeling and only cared about “The business”.
“That’s right, I have lost my mind, and I’m in no hurry to find it. I’m just about sick of your fucking ass. All you care about is yourself and your pockets. You’re a fucking poor excuse for a man, friend, or whatever else you consider yourself to be. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE,” I screamed as I shoved him toward the door. When he pushed back, I went tumbling down. Not that he pushed so hard, but all the drinking and smoking I had done was starting to catch up with me. And even though I was on the floor, that didn’t stop me, it just added fuel to the vengeful fire that he had lit inside of me.
“You motherfucking bitch, you would push me back. I’m a female that you’re not scared of, but when daddy yells you shrivel up like the pussy that you are. Get out, you fucking coward, I can’t even stand to look at your bitch ass.”
I dug deep and my words came down like the wrath of God. I knew that this would cut him to his soul and the thought of that pleased me. He had struggled with the daddy- son syndrome for most of his life. It was always at the core of his being and thought that he was able to mask it well, but I watched. I watched and devoured that information. There had been many times that it was fighting its way up my throat but I held it back. I needed it and wanted to regurgitate it when I felt that it would have the most impact. His face was red with fury and his hands were trembling. First, I smiled. It was a smile that undressed my true intentions and left it naked. I wasn’t trying to hide them in this moment of hatred. I wanted Breeze to see it, I wanted him to feel it deep down inside.
“That’s right, daddy’s boy, that’s all you really are, A BOY. You run around like a chicken with its head cut off as soon as your father barks. The funny part is, you really think that you are a man. You walk around the studio as if you’re THEE MAN. No one is buying that shit but you. And you know what’s worse, they all laugh at your dumbass once you’re out of sight. They laugh because they all see that you’re trying to be something that you’re not. You put on your grown man’s suit and walk around like you’re the boss, as if you’re DADDY. Shit, we all know that you’re not. You couldn’t even get me nominated for NEW CUMMER. You knew damn well that this would be the only year that I would be eligible and you fucked that opportunity up. You had to go to your father to see what he could do. I’ll be surprised if I get any nods at all. Boss, my ass.”
Once the word daddy left my mouth, my smile had turned into full- fledged laughter. The lack of control that he had for his emotions as a man turned me off toward him, it disgusted me. He let what should have been insignificant mockery rock him completely. I didn’t know if he was about to cry or attack me for the evil I had spit at him. But, his anger did not sway my feelings on the matter; it was more like an instigator who was throwing water on a grease fire. My laughter was like a roar of thunder that seemed to echo through my whole apartment.
“You know what, Jazzy, I’m gonna get out of here before you go too far down this road and crash. You’re high and clearly drunk so I’ll chuck all this bullshit up to your intoxication. Cause if I don’t…well, I’ll leave it at that,” Breeze said as he walked over to the couch and grabbed his keys. I had crawled over to the coffee table and picked up the only thing that had been giving me refuge. I finished the rest of the vodka that was in the glass and just sat right there on the floor. It was as if I had just reentered my body and was surveying the damages. I watched him get his keys, straighten his shirt that I had grabbed on while attempting to throw him out, and walk to the door. Once he stood outside of my apartment door, he left me with some parting words.
“I’m gonna need some time to get over the disgusting statements that you’re probably gonna call “your feelings”. And since you seem to forget that beyond what you or anyone else thinks, I am the fucking boss. So how about you stay home, think about things and let me get back to you.”
“What am I suppose—.”
“Oh, no, baby girl, you’ve said enough. Don’t call me, maybe I’ll call you. Don’t worry; I’ll let it be known that I have asked you to stay home for a while. How long, well I just don’t know yet.”
With that, he turned around and slammed my front door. I stood up, refilled my glass, and rolled another blunt. I couldn’t help but think that maybe I had gone too far.
*****
Five days later, I was still drunk and somewhat high. It was getting harder and harder to get out of the house and drive down to the ally where I brought my poison. Like all drug dealers, my street pharmacist didn’t stay anywhere too long. I always found myself bumping into a new one who had what I would be looking for. My weed stash may have been low but the liquor cabinet kept me wet. I drunk so much alcohol that I was practically inebriated every waking moment, and since I couldn’t sleep, well there wasn’t a sober moment in those passing weeks at all. People were starting to call me once they noticed my absence from Fantasy Pictures but I ignored them all. My pity party had hit a new low and I didn’t want anyone joining me. I would listen to my messages every other night and wished that I had the strength to accept their shoulder to cry on. But in my selfish loneliness, I didn’t want to be burdened by their sorrow and worry. As I soaked in the tub for three hours, too weak to get out, my doorbell rang. I turned a deaf ear the first ten times, but by the fifteenth, I knew that my visitor wasn’t going anywhere.
“Who the fuck is it?” I asked as I stumbled to the door. I stubbed my toe on the foot of the couch and struggled to hold on to the towel I had just wrapped around myself.
“Fuck, I hate you, you piece of shit, damn that shit hurts,” I said to the couch as if it could hear me.
“Open up the goddamn door Jazzy. And who the hell are you talking to?” Jamar’s voice came through the door as if he was already inside of my apartment. He was worried and wanted in.
“What do you want, Kraaave?” I slurred his name as I took another sip.
“Just let me in.”
I unlocked the door, but left it closed. I walked over to the same couch that I stubbed my toe on and sat down in front of my dwindling weed pile.
“Where the fuck have you been, Jazz? Everyone has been worried and asking about you. When I asked Breeze where you were, he said that you were on punishment. What’s up with that shit?”
“Well, I’ve been right where you see me, and mother
fuck a Breeze. Don’t say that piece of shits name around me.”
I sat there as Jamar watched me in shock and tried to gather the little bit of weed that I had left to roll.
“This is some bullshit, who’s a bitch gotta fuck to get high around here?” I asked as I wiped what I had left to the floor.
“Well, you know it ain’t me, I don’t swim for your team.”
I looked at Jamar and we both fell into deep laughter. He understood what I had been going through and cast no judgment. He sat down beside me and thank God that I had sat in the bath for so long. It gave me the opportunity to wash the smell of alcohol that was seeping through my pores.
“Low on the green, I see.”
“Sorry about that outburst. Smoking and drinking is the only thing that has been keeping me sane for the last week or so. Now that I’m running dry, I’m on the brink of a breakdown.”
“Looks like you’ve already jumped of that cliff honey. Look, let me call my man and he’ll be over here within a half an hour.”
I looked at him with a smirk that let him know that I knew who he was calling.
“Who are you trying to fool? I know that you just want to see Blaze and that long dick that he dropped on you not too long ago.”
“Girl, please, he wasn’t the one doing the dropping, I was, but that’s beside the point, I’m trying to help you out. Do you want me to call him or what?”
I told him yes, as I laughed at his last statement. I was just happy that he put a smile on my face. I felt like it had been a long, long time since that happened.
*****
“What’s up, black people, I heard some ones running low on the Blaze.”
He thought that he was so clever for using his name in a sentence; it just made me laugh at his tall lanky ass. Jamar stepped aside and let Blaze in as my mouth began to water at the sight of my new weed man. I watched as Jamar flirted his way into an extra DUB for free and waited for my blunt to be filled. As the smoke hit the ceiling, my body relaxed and I let my mind take a detour from what had become its normal destination.
“So what’s been going on besides all the worrying?”
Blaze knew the deal without being filled in. He had received more calls than the norm that week. Everyone was always trying to escape something but lately we were all running from the same thing.
“Shit, just tired of dealing with fucked up people and fucked up situations, am I the only one?” I asked and waited for them to answer. None came verbally but they both nodded.
“I know that I’m not Miss know-it-all but damn, why he gotta treat me like his rag doll? Like he can tell me to eat shit and I’ll just grin and love the taste? Fuck that, I may let you win some but I won’t let you win them all,” I said as my thoughts went back to Breeze’s disrespectful ass. My fight with him left me heated and, although I hated to admit it, a little scared.
“Poor, Jazzy, she’s in such a fucked up situation. She’s fucking the heir to a multimillion dollar porn empire. Oh, my God, she’s a porn star, what is she doing with him? She will never be able to make it big; he will never be able to help her.”
I watched as Blaze made fun of me and wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I knew what he was saying, and he was right.
“Lookie here, baby girl, you have positioned yourself so right that you wouldn’t get wet even if it rained. Use where you’re at and who you’re with to get what you want. Fuck a nigga and what he thinks or has to say. I wouldn’t pay that small shit no mind; I would work hard and prosper off that nigga’s sweat, yah dig?” He was right but I still wanted to tell them what happened, I didn’t want them to think that I was too much of a doormat; I needed them to know that I could put a man in his place too.
“Well, when he came over and started talking about how I need to get it together---.”
There was a knock on the door, which caused me to look around and wonder who the hell it could be. I really didn’t know too many people outside of Fantasy Pictures and wasn’t expecting anyone from there.
“Girl, open the door, Ebony told me that yah would be here.”
As soon as I heard the voice, I knew it was DeeDee’s loud ass. As soon as Jamar let her in, she pushed right pass him and came over to me.
“Girl, are you okay, we all have been asking about you. Breeze’s spoiled ass didn’t do anything crazy, did he? Walking around the warehouse talking about you on punishment, girl that couldn’t have been me,” she said as she took the blunt from Jamar and pulled hard on it. It was starting to be clear to me that Breeze had a big mouth. He wanted to make himself feel like a man and the only way he could do that was to spread the news that he had put me in what he thought was my place. He was such a little bitch that he disgusted me.
“You didn’t lock that door did you? I just saw your man and Ebony, they were sitting in his car I think smoking, I knocked on the window and scared the shit out of them, they said they would be in soon.”
“Damn, Jamar, what did you call, the save a porn star hotline?” I asked as I laughed and choked on the smoke that was in my lungs, and then came the knock.
“What took you so long baby?” Jamar asked as he kissed his lover hello. I watched for Blaze’s reaction and he didn’t let me down, it was quick but I caught it, he was envious. But he was too much of a slut to ever really keep a man, even when he had one and was happy, he always fucked things up.
“Well, Ebony called and once I told her that I was on my way to see Jazzy she asked me to swing by and give her a ride.”
I don’t really know why Ebony found that so funny but good weed will do that to you.
“Boy, you know I ain’t got shit going on right now, plus I heard what Breeze said about Jazzy and I wanted to make sure she was okay.”
“Goddamn, even you know what that mathafucka said? Yeah, I bet he didn’t tell you what really went down here. Roll another one for me, Blaze. I gotta tell yah this shit.”
I was pissed to the max. And as I puffed on the feel good weed Blaze grew, I went over and half way reenacted the whole blow out between Breeze and I. By the middle of my story, everyone was damn near on the floor with laughter and by the end of it, so was I.
“Wait, wait, Jazzy, do the face; do the face. What did he look like when you said that daddy shit?” DeeDee asked as she held her sides. After another round of laughter it hit me that Breeze was really a joke. He only got respect because he was in charge.
“Girl, don’t say shit else until I finish using the bathroom. You got a bitch about to piss on herself.”
As DeeDee went to go pee, we passed around more blunts and laughed about company gossip, mostly about Breeze and Tanya, with DeeDee putting her two-cents in from the bathroom. And while we laughed and forgot about the gloomy fate that waited for some of us, it happened. One by one, our phones started to beep or vibrate. Blaze was the first one to get the text and the laughter that oozed out of him with ease was cut short. He looked like he had gotten the weed knocked out of him. Then I watched as everyone got the text. It seemed as if everyone was stuck, frozen even. The only one I couldn’t see was DeeDee, but her silence spoke louder than she ever could. As for me, I was the last one of us to get a text but by then, I had already known what it was about. Although no one had spoken a word, I knew what time it was. So I got up, slammed back what was left in my glass, picked up the rolled blunts and put a flame to both of them. I handed Jamar one of them to pass around and took the other one to the bedroom and got dressed.
*****
We all walked into Fantasy Pictures feeling high, drunk, or both. Sitting in that big warehouse with all of the actors made me feel like I was in the Twilight Zone. The same faces that greeted me every day somehow looked different. The smiles and laughter that filled the air was dry and thick, forcing us to face the truth about our profession. We would always be at risk no matter how much we tried to protect ourselves.
PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans Page 20
