Second Chances

by Nicole Andrews Moore

  Her head hurt in the morning. That’s why she didn’t cry herself to sleep often. She knew that in the morning she would awaken with her head in a fog, red swollen eyes, and a pounding headache. She glanced into the spare room, but the bed didn’t appear to have been slept in. The clothes were as she left them. She moved down the stairs, and found Josh taking off his shoes in the foyer.

  “You’re home late,” she said irritably, “or should we consider it early?”

  “The baby was sick. Tessa needed me to go to the hospital with her.” He yawned even as he spoke.

  Sarah could feel the heat rise in her face. She looked at him for a moment, almost thought better of it, and spoke anyway. “Is it your baby?” She knew the answer, but wanted to hear him respond.

  “No, it’s not my baby,” he sneered.

  “Oh, well then I guess you just take better care of other people’s babies?” She spat as she stomped into the kitchen.

  He followed her in, trying to show his anger in his step, but he was no match for her in her bare feet. “What are you talking about?” He demanded, grabbing her shoulder and whipping her around to face him.

  “I’m talking about the winter Chloe was three.” She glared at him, willing the tears back into their ducts.

  “What about it?” He seemed to be genuinely clueless.

  Sarah could hold back no longer. She burst into tears. Tears streamed down her face and she nearly shook from her efforts to keep from sobbing. “She must have had ten croup attacks that winter, and every time I had to go to that emergency room in the middle of the night all by myself. You could never be troubled to accompany us. You said it was a one person job and that if I was going, you didn’t need to be there, too.” She could control her emotions no longer and instead started sobbing, tears filled with anger, jealousy, and hurt poured out of her. He moved toward her, reached out to her. Josh wrapped his arms around her, trying to still the sobs racking her small frame. She wouldn’t let him off that easily. She pounded on his chest with both her fists. “Stop it!” She screamed between sobs. “Let me go! Leave me alone!”

  He shrugged his shoulders, gave up and began to walk away. Sarah pulled out a chair and sat. Her face in her hands, she wiped away her tears, swiped at her nose, and yelled once more. “All these years and you’ve never done that for us, your own daughter, your wife!” She laid her head down on her arms and sobbed. Her throat hurt. She felt worse than she had when she awoke, if it were possible.

  “She needs me. She’s not like you,” he mumbled. He was standing in the doorway, his hands in his pockets.

  Sarah lifted her head slowly. “What?” Her tears stopped suddenly, but she still battled a runny nose.

  “She needs me. You could always take care of yourself, Chloe, everyone and everything. You never needed me.” He stared at the ground, unable to face her.

  “What are you talking about? How can you say that?” She stood up from the table now and walked towards him. “I had to be self-sufficient. I had to be independent. You were never here. I never knew where you were or when you were going to be home. I had to learn how to handle everything. How dare you desert me and then blame me for surviving it! How dare you!” She rushed past him, up the stairs and slammed the door to her room.

  Sarah paced for a moment, trying to work out her anger. Unable to figure out how to release all the tension that was building in her, she made the bed, picked out her clothes, and took a long hot shower. She let the showerhead soothe the taut muscles in her neck. She rubbed on a facial mask and leaned back onto her pillows with some eye pads that were supposed to work wonders on puffiness. She was definitely putting their advertisement to the test today. If they worked, she vowed to send a testimonial to the company. Sarah even planned it out.

  Dear Sirs:

  After a lengthy fight with my soon to be ex-husband over his teenage lover and the favoritism he shows her, my eyes were red and puffy. After fifteen minutes with your product, however, I was fit to rejoin the human race.

  Sincerely, Sarah White

  Filled with hope she felt her way to the bathroom, washed off the mask, uncovered her eyes, and after blotting gently with a fresh hand towel, she took a first look at the results...and reached for the Visine. Damn false advertising, she cursed. She threw on her clothes, grabbed her purse, tote bag, and keys, then kissed Chloe while she slept and walked out the front door.

  She drove like a woman possessed until she found the nearest Starbucks. The line was short, which worked nicely since she was short on patience and her day had scarcely begun. She ordered a venti hot chocolate, a chocolate cheesecake muffin, and struggled to remember Brian’s favorite drink. She would feel terrible walking into the college without something for him. At first Sarah could merely sense the eyes of all the anxious customers behind her boring into her back as she studied the extensive list of drinks offered, then they grew mildly annoyed. Just as they reached full-blown irritation, a voice spoke out from the back of the line. “He likes the Chai tea with foamed soy milk.”

  Sarah turned and snapped, “How would you know?” Then she blushed as Brian walked over to her.

  “Sorry,” she mumbled a few short minutes later as they collected their drinks.

  “Oh, honey, you shouldn’t have,” he joked as he took his first sip. He directed her to a vacant table near the fireplace. She looked unconvinced. “Come on. We have time. We were both going to be dreadfully early anyway. Please.” He drew the ‘please’ out for about ten syllables and she couldn’t help but give in.

  Brian had been watching her pick at her muffin and savor her hot chocolate. All the while he felt as though she were putting up a facade. He stared intently for a moment, letting his eyes linger over her raven colored hair that was once again pulled into a ponytail, her normally sparkling emerald eyes were downcast and…puffy? He closed his eyes for the briefest moment, allowing himself to truly feel her, absorb her pain. It hit him immediately, like a giant fist to his chest. Acting purely on instinct, he then reached over and grabbed her hand. “You’ve been crying,” Brian announced solemnly.

  She sighed. “I thought I covered it better, but I guess there’s no fooling you,” Sarah replied with a slightly mocking tone. The pain from the morning’s fight was still close to the surface. In retelling the tale she knew he wanted to hear, she had to pause frequently to keep from crying again. All the while Brian stared at her with a thoughtful look in his stormy sea colored eyes. “I guess he loves her. He must. And I guess I just hurt because I feel like he must never have loved me like that.” She took a long gulp of her drink and waited for the warmth to spread.

  Finally, Brian spoke. “A man like Josh will never love anyone like Tessa for long,” he predicted. Sarah wanted an explanation and knew that if she waited long enough, patiently enough, he would give her one. “Everyone wants to feel needed once in a while,” he began wisely, “but Josh will grow tired when the charm of it wears off and the burden of it grows. From what you’ve told me, she can’t make a decision or do anything alone. She probably latched onto him to be the replacement father figure for both herself and her child.”

  Sarah felt some of the tension release in her shoulders. She leaned back in her chair and a smile began to work its way across her face. But Brian wasn’t finished, in fact, his look suddenly turned grim. “I guess the question is: will you take him back when he’s through with her?” She blinked. The thought had never crossed her mind that he might want her again. Brian didn’t wait for her to answer. “Don’t even consider it, Sarah.” He leaned across the table, his gaze intense. “There will always be another Tessa, another diversion, but you...you’re different. You’re special.” He looked as though he wanted to say more, even as he felt he revealed too much. Instead, he glanced at his watch. “Well, we should go.”

  And for some reason, Sarah found as she sat down in her Xterra, she felt both better and worse.

  Student Services and the Tutoring Departments had teamed up to create
bulletin boards all over campus and stick fliers on everything that stood still long enough announcing the count down to the end of the semester. Three Weeks ‘Til Finals! That was the red warning on a black background that caught everyone’s eyes as they entered Sibley Hall.

  “Have you cemented your plans for what courses you’ll teach this summer?” Brian queried as he walked her to her office. “Or are you going to take the summer off?”

  She paused as she unlocked her door. “Well, I had toyed with taking the summer off, but now, I don’t know that I can afford to. I feel like I need to squirrel away every cent possible.” She plopped her tote bag on the desk unceremoniously and sat down. “So are you teaching this summer? I wouldn’t mind working so much if I knew you were, too.”

  The words were spoken as a statement, and yet it was evident that she was really asking him to work. She waited for a response with her breath held and her eyes staring intently.

  Inwardly, he groaned. If he hadn‘t already planned to teach, he would have instantly acquiesced and done so. Clearly he would never be able to deny her anything, whether he was merely a friend or not. He would do anything in his power to make her happy, to keep her from ever having puffy sad eyes again. Gradually, Brian smiled, a smile that grew broader as he realized Sarah had finally exhaled. “I’m working. In fact, I’m taking a few field trips to Quebec this summer. I’ll need at least one faculty member to accompany me.” He paused. “I don’t suppose you’re interested?”

  Sarah pondered the question a moment. “Do any of these trips involve an overnight?”

  He nodded. “One of them. The other is a day trip.” He studied her, found her difficult to read, and asked, “Does that make it more or less appealing?”

  Sarah smiled. “More.”

  Brian left the office after that. He wasn’t sure how to take that response. Every chance she had, she told him he was nothing more than a friend. He could live with that, for now. After all, spring and summer were magical seasons. Anything could happen. He sat in his office and gazed out the window. Sarah was tapping away at her computer. He wondered what she was writing. She seemed content at the moment.

  Sometimes he could feel her so strongly. She had so much energy. Over the year he had felt it weaken and wane, but now it was pulsating and alive again. Maybe this separation from Josh, painful as it was to watch, would benefit her. Maybe she would at last reach her potential, realize what she was meant to be.

  He leaned closer to the window, eyes staring intently at her, willing her to turn around. In the past he would have turned and busied himself the minute she glanced his way, but today he was bolder. Sarah will learn, he thought, and I will guide her. Satisfied, he gave a little wave when she looked over at him.

  Brian raised a finger to hold her attention, grabbed the board, and scribbled a note. Courtyard lunch at 1pm. He watched as she read the message, smiled widely, and waved. She had class now. So did he. He stretched and yawned lazily like a cat then reluctantly padded to class.

  Sarah beat him to the courtyard this time. When he walked through the door he found her perched on the edge of the large round stone fountain located in the center of their courtyard. Her brow was furrowed as she focused intently on the shallow lower level where all the water pooled. She didn’t even hear him approach on the cobbled walkway.

  As he reached her, he leaned over her shoulder to see from her perspective wondering what held her gaze, but all he saw was her reflection now joined by his.

  She was startled for a moment, placed a hand across her chest, then turned and smiled warmly at him. “I’m sorry. You caught me lost in thought,” she said bashfully.

  “No problem.” He glanced around, but saw no food. “Well, I wasn’t hungry anyway,” he began.

  “Food is on its way,” Sarah said mysteriously.

  “Really?” He asked with some surprise. And then seeing that they had a moment, he decided to take the opportunity to focus on the reason why he had initiated their lunch date. “I wanted to talk to you,” he began quietly, more than a little afraid of rejection. He sat down on the edge of the fountain next to her, mirroring how her body was positioned.

  “What do you want to talk about?” She seemed more relaxed now than she had been earlier today.

  He let out a deep breath as though he cautiously phrased the words that were about to escape his lips. It had seemed like such a great idea when he had formulated the plan during his office hours this morning. Brian had so easily pulled it all together, and now the envelope was burning a hole in his pocket. He swallowed. Of course, her rejection could burn a hole in his heart.

  Gathering as much courage as he could muster, he formulated his opening sentence, “I know your anniversary is coming up.” He watched her for a reaction. So far, so good. Sarah simply stared at him with a blank face. “I know you must be dreading it even on some small level.” He paused for a response. Still her face gave away nothing. She just sat waiting for him to complete his thoughts. “I didn’t want you to be home suffering through it on Saturday.” He paused again. This time Sarah finally responded.

  “For goodness sake, Brian! Will you just spit it out already? The day will have come and gone before you finish telling me what you have to say!” She was exasperated and a little unnerved about being reminded of her impending anniversary.

  Brian could feel her anger; she was getting warmer. It was almost visible now, with just a hint of pink in her cheeks. He reached out a hand to put on top of hers, which were folded in her lap. The door to the courtyard burst open, startling both of them, and he jerked his hand back. The pizza guy marched straight over to them, pulled out a couple of boxes from his thermal bag, took the check Sarah handed him, thanked her, and departed with almost as much gusto as when he arrived.

  Feeling foolish now, Brian hesitantly looked at Sarah. She was calmer, cooler, more herself. He began to speak once more. “I bought you something,” he said gently. “I made plans for you, and for us. I didn’t want you to be home there when I was certain he wouldn’t be. I even made arrangements for Chloe.” He reached inside his jacket, found the inner pocket, and pulled out a business envelope. Silently he passed it to her for her inspection and ultimately, he hoped…approval. He watched and waited. He tried to feel her out, but she was cloudy. “What’s the turmoil?” He asked.

  “We’re going to New York City? I have an appointment here for some spa treatments? I don’t understand. Oh. And then there’s Chloe...” She set the envelope on the unopened pizza boxes sitting in between them.

  Exhaling slowly to even out his mood, he began to explain. “I know you love the theatre. I had an opportunity to get tickets to Les Mis for a great price. Long story, but someone else’s loss happened to become my gain. I had enough frequent flier miles for two free tickets. And I imagined that you might want to start this new chapter in your life feeling like a whole new woman instead of wallowing around the house on Saturday. Does that explain everything?”

  She shook her head. “You left out the part about why we are spending the night and what I’m going to do with Chloe.” Her arms were folded over her chest.

  This wasn’t the reaction he had expected. She was closing herself off. How could this not work out? “Okay.” He fidgeted for a moment as he prepared his explanation. “I couldn’t get same day tickets. It’s a weekend. And as for the rest, I called your mom. She is keeping Chloe overnight.” He leaned back and waited for the next attack.

  Sarah was quiet a minute. She smoothed a few stray hairs back from her face and tucked them behind her ear. She thought for a second. What was she so upset about? Brian was her friend. He was trying to do something nice for her, something more than Josh had done in all their years together. Why was she so bothered by it?

  “My life feels as though it is spinning out of control,” she said slowly, squeezing her eyes shut in an effort to contain her emotions. “I just feel as though everyone is more in charge of it than I am.” She looked at him with newly
tear filled eyes. “This is a really nice gesture. I should take you up on it, but...”

  Before she could complete her thought, Brian put a finger to her lips, a gesture that caused her to stop and shiver. He felt her response and struggled to stay focused. “No buts,” he said quietly as he leaned in. “I’m not trying to control your life. I’m trying to help you and be there for you. I was only thinking of you.” He removed his finger from in front of her lips and leaned in to within mere inches of her face. He stared deeply into her eyes, struggled to resist the urge to close the distance between them, and slowly backed away. “Do you understand?” He asked quietly.

  Sarah couldn’t respond verbally. Involuntarily, her hand had shot to her lips, her fingers rubbing over the spot where his had lain. She simply nodded wide-eyed.

  “So, you’ll come then?” He asked the words anxiously, convinced that she would turn him down.

  Cocking her head to the side, she studied him. What did she see there behind his vivid blue eyes, his gentle smile, and his worried brow? She shook her head, clearing away her thoughts. Instinctively, she knew that this choice, the response she made to that one question would somehow irrevocably alter her life. Of course, she had just caught her husband cheating on her, maybe a little change was good. “What time will you pick me up?” She asked with a shy smile.