I laugh, taking the orchids from him and setting them on the table. “Thank you. I love them.”
He nods. “How are you feeling?”
I lock my fingers together and stand up, taking a deep breath and grinning wildly. “The happiest I’ve ever been.”
Vas smiles back, and my heart does somersaults.
* * *
When the music starts, my nerves come alive. I feel like my blood is full of a trillion microscopic beads of electricity. I’m pacing in circles, jumping in place, inhaling big gulps of air.
Vas takes my hand and squeezes. “I’d kiss you, but I don’t want to ruin your makeup.”
I grin. “I’d kiss you anyway, but I don’t want to ruin yours.”
I can hear the cheering from the audience. The laughter, too. It reverberates through the big top like a stampede of wildebeests through a canyon.
And then it’s our turn, and suddenly I can’t hear a thing.
I just see Vas, moving beside me like we’re both floating toward the center of the ring.
I close my eyes, let everything go, and breathe.
* * *
We are light and skin and water and magic. My breath echoes in my ears. I’m sure my heart is hidden there too.
We move together. Exist together. And every second that passes fills me with a kind of power I can’t explain.
I feel invincible.
I’m not just a morning star—I’m an entire universe.
And when the audience cheers and I feel myself wrapped up in Vas’s arms, I know there is no going back from this feeling.
Because now I know what living feels like.
And it’s dazzling.
* * *
“I’m so proud of you!” Vivien squeals, her arms tight around my neck.
“You were incredible,” Dexi says.
“Your chemistry is off the charts,” Jin adds.
I make a face. “I mean, that wasn’t really what we were going for, but I’ll take it.”
Jin shrugs. “People see what they want to see.”
Vas is standing beside me, looking at me like I’m made of sunlight. Vivien seems to take this as a cue.
“Okay.” She skips toward the door, dragging Dexi by the wrist. “We’ll see you in a bit.” She pauses near the doorway. “Want to go out for ice cream to celebrate?”
I nod giddily. “I’d like that.”
Jin perks up, following them out of the dressing room. “Are there drinks involved in this celebration? Because I know a place….”
I turn to Vas. “You’re coming too, right?”
“I wouldn’t miss it.” He steps forward, locking his fingers through mine. “They’re right, you know. You were incredible. Everyone in the crowd loved you.”
I bite my lip and bounce on my heels. “Do you think so? I know it’s weird to be so desperate for a stranger’s approval, but there’s something about the way they look back at you. Like they want you to know when they’re happy. Like they’re thanking you for giving them something wonderful. And I’ve always wondered what that would feel like, ever since I was a kid watching other people perform.”
“And what does it feel like?” Vas asks gently.
I lean my head back and shut my eyes tight. “Like someone else knows what I’ve been saying all along—that I’m a good aerialist, and that I belong in the circus.” I open my eyes. “I guess I’ve always wanted the validation.”
“I knew you were good the first time I saw you in the big top,” Vas says.
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, right. You hated me back then. You were practically sneering the whole time you were playing your violin.”
“That’s not true! I’m just not good around strangers.” He pauses. “Especially cute ones.”
I smile, poking him in the ribs to make him laugh. “You thought I was cute?”
He pulls me close to him, folding his hands around my lower back. “I did. But that’s not why I liked you. There was something else about you. This—this kind of focus, I guess. When you’d practice, you’d have this look in your eyes—like it was you against the world, and the rest of us could either get on board or get out of your way.”
I make a face. “That’s why you liked me?”
“I mean, you have really nice lips, too. And eyes,” he says, like it’s an afterthought.
I shake my head, laughing.
“Ah, there you are.” Simon’s voice sounds from the doorway.
He’s dressed in his suit and top hat, his eyes as mesmerizing as ever.
I’m still smiling, thinking he’s here to congratulate us, when I catch the worry in Vas’s face. The furrowed brow, the twitch in the corner of his mouth, and the way his shoulders pull back like he’s bracing for news.
Something isn’t right.
I feel Vas’s hands slip away from me. “It’s not like you to wander backstage after a show. Is something the matter?” he asks coolly. He knows Simon—he knows his tricks.
I feel my body shrinking and shrinking, until I’m barely the size of an ant.
Simon smooths his mustache with his fingers, searching for his words.
I don’t think he has to search very hard. I think he came here knowing exactly what he wanted to say.
“You put on a great show tonight, and you should be very proud of yourselves.” Simon’s eyes dart between the two of us before landing solely on Vas. “Look, there’s no point in dragging this out. There’s a new trapeze artist arriving in the morning, and I’m going to need you to teach her the routine. Get her up to speed.”
Vas clenches his jaw.
I still don’t understand what’s happening. Or maybe I don’t want to.
“Is… Is this for another act?” I ask, my voice cracking.
Simon pulls off his hat, spinning it casually in his hand. “No, she’s here for your act. You’ve done really well, and I don’t say that lightly. But I need a professional, and I hired you as a trainee. I’m sorry, but this was never going to be a permanent arrangement.”
“But you said I could perform. You said if we—” I start.
“You did perform,” Simon interjects. “And you can perform through the rest of the week. But as soon as the new aerialist has the routine down, I’m swapping you out.”
My eyes burn hot.
“Don’t take it so hard, kid,” Simon urges, his voice void of empathy. “There’s still a place for you at Maison du Mystère. Just not as the closing act.”
Vas clenches his fists beside me. “You tricked us. You manipulated us into coming up with an act knowing full well you would replace Harley.”
Simon tuts. “It’s business. It’s not personal.” He turns for the door but looks over his shoulder. “And I’m still keeping your song, so it’s not all bad news.”
I close my arms around my ribs. Usually I have such a hard time keeping my words in, but I’m not sure words even exist in my head anymore.
Everything is dark.
Empty.
And I can’t breathe.
CHAPTER SIXTY-ONE
I must be balancing on a spinning top, because the world is wobbly and shifting and I can’t focus on anything in front of me. Even Vas appears to be swaying, his hands trying to hold me up by my shoulders, but I’m sinking fast onto the floor.
The tears don’t stop pouring.
Why did I think I could do this?
Why did I think I was good enough to be here?
I feel like I’ve learned this lesson before, a hundred times, but never like this. Never so clearly thrown in my face.
Simon is replacing me.
And at first I’m wondering where I messed up, and if my poses weren’t good enough or my leg extensions not high enough. I wonder if I looked too much like an amateur on that stage, and if that’s why Simon changed his mind.
But he didn’t change his mind. This was his plan all along. There was nothing I could have done to make him keep me as a performer.
Because I’ve neve
r been good enough—not from the start, and not at the end—and maybe everybody knew it but me.
Why did I have to get so carried away?
And why did people let me?
I see my tears fall onto the floor. One, two, three drops, all morphing together to form a puddle.
Vas is trying to call me back to him, but I don’t know how to recover. I don’t know what to do next. My head is screaming to run forever, through the walls and across water if I have to, to get as far away from here as possible.
But where would I go?
I’ve burned every single bridge I’ve crossed.
My chest aches and aches and aches, until I’m not sure I can take another second of it. I’m not sure I can come back from this kind of fall.
My body feels broken. Everything feels broken.
I’m squeezing the fabric of my costume because I need to hold on to something that feels real when I hear her voice.
“Harley?”
And then his.
“Are you okay?”
I look up and see Mom and Dad standing in the doorway. But are they real?
And if they are, how are they really here?
In that moment it doesn’t matter if they hate me. Because I need my parents more than anything.
I’m on my feet and in their arms, sobbing into Dad’s checkered shirt that smells like home. My real, tangible, grounded home, and not the fantasy I’ve been so desperate to live in.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I say through sobs. “You were right—I don’t belong here.”
“Oh, honey,” Mom says, kissing me on the top of my head. “I don’t understand. What’s happened?”
“I just want to go home.” I pull my face up and look at them both. “Please, can I come home?”
Mom’s face softens. She looks at Dad, who is only looking at me.
He pulls me into his chest. “You can always come home, Harley,” he says. “Come on. Let’s go get your stuff.”
CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO
I’m stuffing all my clothes into my duffel bag when I hear the trailer door fall shut. The noise makes me jump, and I find Vas standing a few feet away, his eyebrows as furrowed as ever and his mouth half open.
“You’re leaving? Just like that?” I can hear the hurt in his voice.
But this has nothing to do with him.
I turn back to my bag, shoving the last pair of socks into the corner and pulling the zipper closed. “I don’t belong here.”
“Yes, you do.” He takes a step closer.
“I’m not good enough.” I shut my eyes.
“Yes, you are.” Another step.
I swallow, fighting the tears that begin to pool. “I should never have come here, Vas. This was a giant mistake. I knew it, deep down. I was just too stubborn to admit it.”
Vas reaches for my arm, but I spin around too quickly, and his fingers recoil.
I wonder if he knows all the things I wish I could say to him.
If he knows leaving him is just as painful as leaving the circus.
“Please don’t go,” he says. “It doesn’t have to be the end. I’ll keep training with you, and we’ll get Simon to put you in another act. Maybe the swinging trapeze, or the silk ropes. There are other ways to be a part of the circus.”
I shake my head, my voice hollow. “I don’t want it anymore.”
He looks angry. “That’s not true.”
“It is,” I snap back. “Or at least it will be.” I grab my bag and yank it toward me, the weight of it pulling me down. “I have to go. My parents are waiting outside.”
I only make it one step before he speaks again.
“I thought you had more fight in you.” It sounds like an accusation.
I look up at him, hating how much those green eyes make me want to soften my heart and press myself close to him. They make me feel like they could break me, and I already feel broken. “I’ve done nothing but fight since I got here. I stayed when everyone ignored me. I stayed when Maggie refused to train me. I stayed when Simon put me on popcorn duty, and even when the only place I could practice was at night when nobody was looking. But I won’t stay after this—not after Simon has made it clear that, not only am I not good enough, but I’m not even worth the courtesy of being treated like a person with feelings. It’s business, right? Well, I don’t like this business, and I don’t feel like fighting anymore.”
The circus was everything to me. It was magic, and wonder, and life.
But Simon lifted a veil today.
I don’t see magic in the circus anymore. I see heartbreak.
“You’re not a quitter,” Vas says, his jaw tightening.
I twist my mouth, feeling my defenses rise. “You’re lecturing me about quitting? Come on, Vas. Your heart quit the circus a long time ago, but you won’t actually quit because you’re too scared.” I lift my shoulders. “What are you still doing here? Simon is never going to let you write music for this place. He gave you one song, but for how long? You think when he uses all of Teatro della Notte’s stolen music for next season, he won’t conveniently swap out your song? But sure, you’re not a quitter either, right? You’ll stay here anyway, while the circus eats up your dreams.” I shake my head. “I might be quitting, but at least I’m not letting my heart rot away on a dream I’ve outgrown.”
Vas looks like I’ve punched him in the chest.
Oh my God, what am I doing? I’m ruining us. I’m ruining everything.
But I can’t stop.
“Please don’t leave like this. You’ll regret it.” He swallows. He still thinks there’s hope.
But I know better. The words burst out of me too fast. “I regret a lot of things, but leaving won’t be one of them.”
His green eyes crack in half.
What am I doing? What have I said?
Take it back, take it back, take it back.
“Do you regret me?” I can barely hear him over the pounding in my skull.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I say, but it sounds guttural and harsh because I’ve lost all control of my emotions.
“Did you even consider what it would mean for us if you left? Do you even care?” Us. The word twists my insides. His voice is so far away. “I travel eleven months out of the year, in a circus you so clearly never want to step foot in again. Did you even think about whether or not we’d see each other after this?”
I’m shaking everywhere. “I—no.” Where are my words? Where is my mind?
Vas shifts his jaw. “Of course you didn’t. Because that’s another character flaw, right? You’re always putting yourself before the people you’re supposed to love.” He hesitates. “Or maybe that was just an illusion too.”
“That’s not fair,” I say, tears streaming down my cheeks. “I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“You never are.” He shifts his weight. “But you sure do leave quite the body count of hurt people on the way to doing whatever you want.” He turns for the door.
“Vas, wait,” I blurt out, my heart feeling frantic.
He stops, tilting his chin slightly toward me. “It’s fine. I’ll get over it. You’re doing me a favor, really. Now I know where I stand.”
He leaves me alone in the trailer, taking all the color with him.
Las Vegas, Nevada November – Week 14
CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE
I’ve been home for two weeks and have barely spoken a word to my parents. There’s a lot we still haven’t talked about, and I guess I was in such a hurry to get away from Maison du Mystère that I didn’t really think about how those conversations would go.
There’s still so much I need to apologize for.
But right now, my heart is too broken for remorse.
It’s too broken for anything.
I feel the dark clouds coming back. And I’ve met them enough times that they should feel familiar, but they never do.
And it’s always hard to pinpoint exactly what it is that invited them.
&nb
sp; Was it leaving Maison du Mystère? Was it leaving Vas? Or were they already well on their way before then, hovering until they found the perfect opening?
Sometimes I think they’re always hovering. Always waiting.
But every now and then I can convince myself I’m happy enough to pretend they aren’t there.
I keep reminding myself this isn’t the worst it’s ever been, but then I think—will it get worse? Is this just the start? And how long will it be until I bounce back again?
Will I ever bounce back?
My brain wrestles these thoughts until I’m exhausted and I force myself to sleep most of the days away.
Mom and Dad seem concerned, but they shouldn’t be. This is not the part of my life where I needed their concern. This is the part I’ve already made sense of—by embracing that it doesn’t always make sense. This is just part of who I am—maybe who I’ll always be.
Popo tells me darkness is a wave, and all waves pass eventually.
But right now, in this moment, it feels like it will last forever.
I’m filled with such a crushing amount of regret. Regret that I took Dad’s music and gave it to Simon. Regret about hurting Tatya, and neglecting my friendship with Chloe. Regret that I joined Maison du Mystère, and put my trust in Simon.
I regret everything in the last few months.
Everything except Vas.
Until the moment we said goodbye.
CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR
Relationships are like most living things—if you don’t nurture them, they’ll die.
All I can hear is Vas’s voice, over and over again like he’s burning the words into my memory.
Which is pointless, because they’re already there.
What have I done? What have I ruined?
I’ve been ignoring all the people I care about most. The people I love. And why? Because I get too excited and I can’t remember to make an effort? Or because I don’t want to make the effort?
What does that say about me?
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