Gillian was not sure. She had no knowledge of teenage girls; they were a mystery to her, as children were. I am a childless woman, she wanted to say, what would I know?
‘Oh well,’ she sighed. ‘I’m sure you’re right.’
We’ll all go out together tonight, Frances thought in the silence that followed. I can see Kenny after they’ve gone. If we close in like this and care for each other, Susan will still be outside, excluded, but it won’t matter any more. She chose that, after all.
6
Alec treated them to a take-away meal from the Indian restaurant in Dingwall. A festive meal out, even when it was Kate’s birthday next day, did not seem quite the thing.
Kate slept till six, then came down bleary-eyed but perfectly well. She had a shower and re-emerged in full make-up dressed as if for a night out, as Alec returned with two brown carrier bags and a smell of curry spices.
Andrew ate hugely, then went out, collected by a friend in a car. Kate picked at naan bread, dipping it in the sauces, and ate a little rice. She said she was going to a party and didn’t want to feel full up. To her dismay, Gillian became queasy after a few mouthfuls and had to stop eating.
Frances stopped Kate in the hall as she was leaving. ‘You’ll never get down the lane in those shoes.’
‘I’m not wearing trainers with these trousers,’ Kate retorted as she pulled on a denim jacket.
‘You’d better wear a coat or something.’
‘I’m not cold.’
‘Can I give you a lift into Dingwall? Where are you going?’
‘I don’t know yet, we’re meeting at the Royal. Maybe Eilidh’s house.’
‘How will I know?’ Frances asked, exasperated. Alec should be dealing with this.
‘I’ll ring you later if you like.’
Frances had no confidence in this, or that Kate would even answer her mobile. ‘Give me the number for Eilidh’s house too, so I know I can contact you. Are you staying over?’
‘I might.’ Reluctantly, she produced the number.
‘Come on, I’ll run you down to the Royal. You’re going to catch your death in that wee jacket.’
‘You won’t get out of the car?’
‘Get out?’
Kate looked embarrassed. ‘Nothing.’
Frances recognised this: mothers, responsible adults, had to keep a low profile, and preferably out of sight altogether.
On the way back from town she turned along the Strathpeffer road towards Kenny’s cottage. As she walked up the path she could hear tentative notes from his guitar.
‘Hi there.’ He was by the fire. ‘Having a wee practice. Geordie Sinclair gave me this tune the other day.’
Frances sat down in the chair opposite his, petting the dog and easing off her coat. She leaned back and listened while he went through the tune again.
‘That’s nice,’ she said. ‘Does it have words?’
‘Not yet.’ He smiled at her. ‘How was the curry? I can smell it from here.’
She laughed. ‘Sorry about that. It does cling a bit. I’ve just been giving Kate a lift to meet her friends and somehow couldn’t face going home yet. I’ve left Gill with Alec.’
‘Give her a ring.’
‘Och, I’m not staying.’ She sighed. ‘Some hostess, eh? Desperate to escape.’
He played a few chords then put his hand flat against the strings, killing the sound. ‘What would you like to hear?’
‘Play the same one again – I liked it.’
She lay back in the chair and closed her eyes, thinking of nothing.
‘Not quite there yet,’ he said, putting down the guitar. ‘Needs a bit of practice. Go on, give Gill a ring and tell her you’ve come to me in my hour of need. Then we can go to bed.’
Frances sat up and began to put her coat on again. ‘Sorry, duty calls.’
He saw her to the door and kissed her. ‘See you soon,’ he said and went back to his music.
By eleven Kate had still not called. Alec said, getting up, ‘Better head for my B & B.’
‘You should speak to Kate,’ Frances suggested. ‘Ring her mobile.’
‘She’ll be fine, they don’t like to be checked up on all the time.’
‘I don’t care whether she likes it or not,’ Frances snapped. ‘She’s barely fifteen – we need to know where she is.’
Alec shrugged this off. ‘You do it. She’ll take it from you.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘She’s a bit in awe of you.’
Frances flushed. ‘Nonsense.’
At the door, Gillian came out to join them. ‘Will we see you tomorrow?’ she asked Alec. ‘Or are you just heading back down the road?’
‘I’ll call in for a coffee, if that’s all right. Say happy birthday to Kate.’
Frances watched the silver car moving down the lane, then went to telephone Kate herself. Your call cannot be taken at present … It cut out, not allowing Frances to leave a message. She glanced at the hall clock. ‘I’ll try Eilidh’s number. I hope it’s not too late.’
‘Mother hen,’ Gillian said, amused. ‘You won’t be happy till you’ve tracked her down.’
‘I’m not sure why I’m bothering. She’s not my responsibility.’
‘Ha.’ Gillian shook her head. ‘Right.’ She waited while Frances dialled, but it was a long time before anyone answered. It was Eilidh’s father perhaps, a man at any rate, who had no idea where Eilidh was, let alone Kate.
‘I think they’ve gone to some party. Sorry – can’t help.’
Frances turned to Gillian in dismay. ‘She said she was going to Eilidh’s house.’
‘I can see it’s a bit nerve-wracking, first the mother disappears, then – no, of course not, it can’t be that. Sorry.’
‘For goodness sake, Gill, I don’t think for a minute that she’s vanished! How utterly ridiculous. She’s young, she’s female, and she’s going about with these girls. I don’t even know their families. That man sounded drunk to me. Even Andrew doesn’t think much of the company she’s keeping, so naturally I’m concerned. Alec brought her here so that we could keep an eye on her.’
‘My God, he’s got a cheek, eh? She’s fifteen, she skives off school, she gets in trouble, and he’s expecting you to deal with it.’
‘That’s what being a mother teaches you. How to worry.’
To her astonishment, Gillian’s eyes filled with tears. She put her hand up to her face, turning away. Frances followed her into the living-room.
‘What on earth’s wrong?’ What now, she was thinking, as if I haven’t enough on my plate. Guiltily, she perched on the arm of the sofa where Gillian had collapsed, and touched her shoulder. ‘What is it?’
Her sister looked up, tearful and pale, and for a few bewildering seconds, Frances saw Kate, then Susan, and was giddy.
‘I’m pregnant.’
This was not what Frances had expected. She tried to take it in. ‘Are you sure?’
‘It was Steve – our farewell shot. So stupid of me. You get so you don’t care, but I know I’ve been really, really stupid. Serves me right. What a fool.’
Frances, who was thinking all these things, did not say them. She hugged Gillian who began to weep again, turning her face towards her sister, leaning on her. At first, Frances could not make out what she was saying.
Gillian looked up, tear stained and crumpled. ‘I just don’t know what to do for the best.’
‘Of course you don’t. How far – ’
‘Not so far. I saw the doctor last week.’ Frances handed her a box of tissues and Gillian blew her nose, bracing herself. ‘I haven’t told anyone else. Just the doctor, and the cat downstairs. Cat doesn’t count, I suppose.’
‘What about Steve?’
‘What would be the point in telling him?’
‘It’s his child too.’
‘It’s not a child!’ Gillian exclaimed. ‘Don’t say that. It’s nothing, a bunch of cells. Not a person or anything.’ Frances was si
lent. Gillian scrubbed her face with another tissue, wiping tears away. ‘How do you think I feel?’ she asked.
‘Trapped,’ Frances said.
She thought of what Gillian had told her that morning about her job, and then of all the times Gillian had called or come to see her, full of angst about her latest unsatisfactory relationship with some man who wanted too much of her, or did not want her enough. Suddenly a terrible weight was pressing on her heart. She wanted to say don’t do it, have the baby, you’ll be so glad that you did. What good would it do, offering her opinion? Gillian must decide for herself. Not my responsibility, Frances thought, truly not, this dilemma, this baby. Yet she could not leave Gillian to make up her mind unguided. If she did nothing how would she feel later, how quieten her own conscience?
‘Oh dear, what a thing to happen.’
Gillian seemed calm now, resigned. ‘I suppose I’ll get through it somehow. In ten years’ time, it won’t seem so terrible.’
At once Frances saw a ten year old child, androgynous, shadowy, slipping from them. ‘Yes it will,’ she said. ‘That’s why you have to be absolutely sure you’re doing the right thing.’
‘Oh thanks.’ Gillian got up and moved away. ‘Thanks a lot – for filling me up with guilt before I’ve even done anything.’
‘I believe women have the right to choose, just as much as you.’ Frances sighed. ‘I think I’ll try Kate’s mobile again. Pour yourself a drink if you want. Pour me one too. We could both do with it.’
It was going to be a long anxious night. Frances could not reach Kate and could not do anything for Gillian except let her talk and try not to say anything to influence her one way or another.
‘The thing is,’ Gillian explained, what seemed like hours later, the fire dying, the third drink finished. ‘I wouldn’t even want Steve’s kid. He’s a loser, I see that now. If I was choosing a father for my child I’d want someone with more moral fibre. Wouldn’t I?’
Surely it was too late to think of such a thing? Some other baby hovered in Gillian’s mythical future, carefully sperm matched, perfect, superbaby. All Frances’s feeling, as she finished her whisky, warm with it now, caring much less what she said, was for this baby, which was being given no chance at all. She had given up on Kate, who must be at someone else’s house, perhaps Eilidh’s by now. It was foolish to fret, at least until morning.
Eventually they went to bed and the whisky sent Frances to sleep quite quickly. At five she woke and got up to check Kate’s room. It was empty. After that, she could not sleep again and lay waiting for birdsong and for the bright morning light behind the curtains.
Alec appeared just after ten.
‘Kate’s not here,’ Frances told him, ‘and Andrew and Gill are still in bed.’
‘Where is she?’
‘Some friend’s house, I think. I’ve been trying to call her but the mobile seems to be switched off. I can’t even leave a message.’
He made light of it: ‘She’ll be fine. Like I said, they don’t want you to keep tabs on them.’
‘I’ll make coffee,’
They sat in the kitchen in uneasy silence, like two acquaintances who have long since run out of polite conversation but are forced to remain together. The tabby cat prowled, then leapt onto Frances’s lap.
‘Mimi’s lasted well.’
‘She’s a bit stiff these days.’ Frances stroked down the cat’s smooth back, feeling the tremor of purring beneath her hand.
‘I knew it was her. I’ve been meaning to say since Christmas.’
‘Hec died.’
‘I know, Andrew told me.’
‘Did he?’
‘At Christmas I asked if this was Mimi, and he said Hec got a kidney infection.’
‘That’s right.’
The clock ticked, the cat purred, Alec cleared his throat. They waited.
‘Maybe I should head down the road. I’ll leave Kate’s present with you.’
‘I think you should see her first.’
‘I’d like to, but – ’
‘I’ll ring her again. I could try Eilidh’s number but it’s so embarrassing, having to say I don’t know where she is.’
In the hall, she heard a car coming up the lane and went out to look. It turned a little way below the house in a passing place and stopped to let Kate get out. She came slowly up to the house in clothes which were different from the ones she had been wearing the previous night.
‘Where have you been?’
‘What?’ Kate looked blank. ‘Eilidh’s. I said.’
‘No you haven’t. I spoke to someone at Eilidh’s house last night – her father? He said you were all out at a party, he didn’t know where, and he wasn’t expecting any of you to come back there.’
‘That was Gary. Her Mum’s cousin.’ Kate heaved an exaggerated sigh. ‘He wouldn’t know. We went back there after the party. I said I wasn’t sure where – ’
Years of teaching had given Frances an instinct for lying. ‘I don’t think so, Kate,’ she interrupted. ‘Tell me where you were.’
‘I said.’ But she would not meet Frances’s eyes.
‘I cannot see the point in giving me your mobile phone number if you switch it off, and if you lie to me anyway about what’s going on.’
‘It’s a bit funny, sometimes it doesn’t work properly.’
‘Rubbish, of course it works, you’re forever using the thing.’
‘Don’t believe me then. I don’t care. It’s not my fault you couldn’t get through.’
She was like Alec: slippery, out of reach. For the first time in years Frances lost her temper.
‘You lied to me. You’re still lying. That’s not going to happen in this house, let me tell you. As long as you’re here your welfare is my responsibility. Now, where have you been all night?’
Kate, unable to get into the house without pushing past her aunt, formidable in the doorway, scuffed one foot to and fro on the ground and would not look up.
‘Ok, we stayed at Darren’s house. So what? That’s where the party was, loads of people stayed over, so we thought we would as well, save gettin’ a taxi. I thought you’d go crazy if I said I was stayin’ at a boy’s house, you’re so old-fashioned and Andrew doesn’t like Darren. Anyway, what does it matter? I’m fifteen, I can do what I like.’
‘You most certainly can not!’
‘Oh shut up, you’re not my mother, are you? I never wanted to stay in your stupid house anyway.’
Now she did push past, voice cracking. Frances gave way and Kate ran through the hall and upstairs. Her bedroom door banged behind her.
Frances leaned against the doorpost, shaking. At the same moment, Alec came into the hall and Gillian appeared at the top of the stairs.
‘My God,’ she said, ‘what was that all about?’ She made a face, raising her eyes heavenwards, but neither of the others even glanced at her. Instead, they faced each other, speechless.
7
Alec had gone. Andrew was in the shower, the sound of his radio loud enough to travel to the kitchen, where Gillian and Frances sat at the table. Kate was still in her room.
‘Did she speak to Alec? He was with her quite a while.’
‘I didn’t ask.’ Frances said. ‘I shouldn’t have lost the rag with her, but I was so angry.’
‘Like you said – she’s not your responsibility.’
‘She’s under my roof.’
‘You were worrying about her, not about fulfilling your duty.’
Frances thought about this. ‘You’re right,’ she admitted. I was in a panic in case some awful thing had happened. Not because I’d have to tell Alec, but because I care about her.’
‘She’s fine though.’
‘Boys are so different. I call myself a feminist, but if I’d had daughters, I think I might have treated them differently.’
‘Like we were treated? Made to come in at certain times, never trusted out with boys? Look what it did to us. You’re a single parent, I’m pregna
nt and man-less, and as for Susan – ’ She shrugged. ‘Great success our parents made of bringing us up.’
‘We can’t blame them for everything that’s happened since.’
‘You’re the one who’s so keen on parents taking responsibility,’ Gillian pointed out.
Frances had had enough. ‘How are you this morning, anyway?’ she asked. ‘You seem better.’
‘I’m fine. All this with Kate has made me think. If I did have a child, I’d be well over fifty by the time it was Kate’s age. I couldn’t cope with teenage trantrums then. When are they grown up, so you can stop looking after them, and getting in a state when something goes wrong?’
‘Never,’ Frances said. ‘Look at what Susan’s done to Mum and Dad. It’s changed their lives. Dad wasn’t always so irritable and Mum’s become so diffident, no, indifferent, as if nothing much matters any more.’
‘Bloody Susan,’ Gillian agreed.
‘I’m going up to see how Kate is.’
‘Do you still want me to have a word with Mum and Dad about Susan’s vanishing trick?’
‘Oh Gill, you said you would.’
‘Just checking. I’ll go and phone now, and tell them I’ll be there by tea-time.’
Upstairs, Frances tapped on Kate’s door. When there was no answer she opened it and looked in. Kate had fallen asleep in her borrowed clothes, head flung back, mouth open, in the heavy sleep of the young. Frances stepped back and closed the door.
At lunch-time Kate came into the kitchen flushed and rumpled, her hair awry.
‘Are you still mad at me?’
‘I’m sorry I shouted at you. I was worried.’
‘About me?’
‘Of course about you, you silly girl.’ She pulled out a chair. ‘Sit down.’
‘I need a shower, I absolutely stink.’ Kate pulled at her cotton top, sniffing and screwing up her face.
‘In a minute.’
Reluctantly, Kate sat down and Frances did too.
‘You do understand why I got so angry?’
‘I suppose so. You didn’t know where I was.’ She looked up, meeting Frances’s eyes. ‘I wasn’t doing anything.’
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