‘You don’t like sex?’ I eventually uttered. He was built for sex, I hadn’t even seen his manhood, but he seeped sex from every pore, even when he wasn’t trying.
‘That’s another question Ellie, and I’ve answered my one very personal question for the day.’
‘O, come on,’ I groaned. ‘You have to be lying.’
‘No.’
‘What’s wrong with you?’
‘Nothings wron …’ he quickly began to reply, then narrowed his eyes at me. ‘Nice try, that was another question.’ I buried my face in my gloved hands and screamed and heard him laughing. ‘I’m really not that interesting, Ellie.’
‘You know the less you tell me, the more interesting you become, right? You’re like a really hard Sudoku puzzle wrapped in this ridiculously handsome and sexily hot package and I’m determined to solve you.’
‘You think I’m ridiculously handsome?’
‘Yes,’ I responded quietly and quickly looked out of the window again as I felt my stomach flutter.
‘And sexily hot?’ he asked as he pulled into the back of the store.
‘Dan,’ I protested as my cheeks flamed.
‘Would you be competing for me if I was in London?’ he asked. I looked over at him surprised as he parked up and put on the handbrake and watched my face.
‘I think I’d compete for you anywhere,’ I whispered without having a chance to think before the words tumbled out. Before I knew what was happening my seat belt buckle was released and he’d slid me across the worn shiny leather seat to the middle of the car and grasped my face as he started kissing me frantically, like his life depended on it. I closed my eyes as the sensation of pins and needles filled my head as our lips swelled against each other’s and I felt his tongue searching for mine. I wanted to climb onto his lap and shove my fingers in his hair, to hold him to me, but the gear stick and steering wheel were in the way. My body was craving his in a way I couldn’t ever remember experiencing before. It had been a long time since Zac and I had kissed properly, like we just couldn’t get enough of each other, but I don’t ever remember it feeling as intense as this was. Our tongues tangled, duelled and teased and I groaned his name into his mouth and immediately felt him tense up and slightly pull away. He held my face just out of reach of his as he closed his eyes and sighed.
‘You’ve got to stop doing this to me, Ellie.’
‘Doing what?’ I asked as I tried to catch my breath, which he completely took away again as he opened his beautiful eyes and looked straight into mine.
‘Tempting me.’
‘But I did nothing Dan, and why does it matter if you kiss me? I don’t understand.’
‘I just can’t be there for you like that.’
‘You kissed me. Again! And you’re the one still clasping my face as your eyes are telling me that you definitely want to be there for me like that.’ He continued to keep looking at me as his thumbs stroked my cheeks and I could see the confusion on his face, it reflected my own. He hadn’t had sex in so long, he wanted me, he kept teasing me, yet he wasn’t prepared to take that next step? I suddenly felt stupid, stupid for letting another guy jerk me around. I quickly pulled myself back over to the other side of the car, opened the door and jumped out grabbing my bag.
‘Ellie,’ he called after me, but I started walking. I heard the car door slam behind me. ‘Ellie, stop.’
‘No,’ I yelled without looking back, but I was no match for his long legged strides. He caught up with me in seconds and swung me around by the shoulders and I shoved his chest to push him back, but he didn’t even wobble. I beat my fists on him in frustration and he didn’t even flinch. ‘You can’t keep doing this to me.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘No you’re not, you keep getting what you want, you keep kissing me, teasing me and then pulling away.’ I turned to walk off, the fire inside me was physically painful. I didn’t know if it was lust, pain, confusion or a combination of all three, all I knew was I was really hurting, but he yanked me back, spun me around and gripped me tightly to him as I writhed in his grasp trying to escape.
‘Stop struggling woman,’ he ordered.
‘Please let me go.’
‘Not until you calm down. Where were you going anyway?’
‘I don’t know, anywhere that’s away from you.’ I sighed as I realised he wasn’t going to let me go and I buried my face in his jacket so I wouldn’t have to look at him. I felt one of his hands gently cup the back of my head, holding me onto him. ‘Why are you tormenting me, Dan?’
‘Tormenting you?’ he gasped, as if he were oblivious.
‘Yes! Tormenting me. You know that I like you, I really like you. You told me that you couldn’t be with me and I accepted that, but then you keep throwing me mixed signals, kissing me, smelling my hair, or touching my cheek. How would you feel if I kept doing that to you and then pushing you away?’
‘I’d hate it,’ he answered quietly.
‘So why do you do it? Is it just that you’re desperate after so long without sex, without any human contact that you’re just thinking of yourself and you don’t care if you hurt me?’
‘Ellie, if it was just about me sowing my oats I’d have carried you up to bed that first night, and ripped you in half as I thrust into you, but that’s not what this is.’
‘Then what is this, Dan? Because right now I don’t know.’
‘It’s about my uncontrollable attraction to you Ellie and I’m sorry that I’m so weak, that I keep acting on my desire for you, when I shouldn’t, when I can’t.’
‘But you keep doing it, then you say that it can’t happen and never give me a reason.’
‘I can’t,’ he whispered. ‘You’d hate me and I don’t want you to hate me.’
‘You keep teasing me, pulling on my strings and then pushing me away and I’ll end up hating you anyway.’
‘I don’t know how to do this,’ he sighed.
‘I think you take me to the airport and I go home.’
‘No,’ he bit quickly and squashed me tighter against his body.
‘I can’t stay here if you’re going to keep playing with my emotions, not after everything I’ve just been through, I don’t need that in my life.’
‘I know you don’t, so we go back to our original plan. I stay away from you unless there’s an emergency.’
‘I don’t want you to stay away from me, I like having you around.’
‘I like being around,’ he whispered.
‘I just don’t want you coming onto me if you’re not going to follow through. Did I really just say “follow through?” God, what’s wrong with me? Every time I say something around you it sounds totally wrong.’
‘I most definitely don’t want to follow through in that sense of the word, but I really do want to take things further with you, I just can’t Ellie,’ he sighed. I really wanted to believe the sincerity in his voice.
‘Then I’m going to give you one of two options Dan, and you have to either choose one of them, or I’m catching a flight home tomorrow.’
‘Tell me then, because I don’t want you to leave.’
‘You tell me why you can’t be with me and let me make up my own mind as to whether I can handle whatever dark secret it is that you think will make me run from you screaming as I think that ...’
‘Not going to happen,’ he interrupted firmly. ‘Second option?’
‘If you don’t tell me why you can’t be with me, you have to promise not to make any more moves on me while I’m here, because it’s not fair.’
‘But I’m not sure I can make good on that promise, Ellie,’ he whispered.
‘Well you’ve got until the end of today to decide, either pick telling me, choosing friends only, or I book my tickets in the morning.’ I tried to sound like I really meant it, but deep down I knew I couldn’t carry out the last part of my threat. I had twenty-three and a bit days left to try and get him to tell me and see if we could be something more, becaus
e God knows I really wanted it to be something more. Even more confusing than his bizarre behaviour was the longing I had for him after such a short period of time. It wasn’t just sexual. It was an inexplicable attraction on all levels. I sighed as I felt him kiss the top of my head.
‘I’m not an arsehole like Zac, Ellie. Please don’t make me become one by tempting me.’
‘You better let me go then as you have half the Christmas shop to load into the boot.’
‘Why do I get the feeling you’re going to make me regret this?’
‘You gave me free reign,’ I reminded him.
‘I did, and I need the receipt so I can arrange to pay you back.’
‘It’s in my bag.’
‘Ok.’
‘You’re still holding me,’ I whispered. I really didn’t want him to let me go, I felt so comforted in his strong arms, like all the crap of my life was behind me and he’d make sure that I was looked after. That was ironic in itself, as in this moment I was sure he was the one person I knew who could hurt me the most. He sighed and kissed the top of my head again and let me go.
‘The receipt?’ he held out his hand and I rummaged in my bag and handed it over.
‘You’re sure you only purchased half the shop?’ he asked with a raised eyebrow.
‘Sorry, I promise it will look good.’
‘I’ll load up and get you the cash to repay you.’
‘You don’t have to do cash, that will leave you out of pocket. He can pay me through PayPal or direct transfer.’
‘That would give you his name. I have access to his funds for anything to do with the house.’
‘Fine,’ I rolled my eyes and started walking to the shop’s back entrance, needing some distance from him. Something as simple as him holding me against him left me feeling like we’d just had incredible sex. He overtook me and opened the door for me.
‘Stay in here while I load it up.’
‘I can help.’
‘I’m fine, stay in the warm please,’ he ordered as I stepped inside. I watched as my personal shopper came rushing out when she saw me. She took one look at Dan and tripped over her own feet and would have gone sprawling to the floor if he hadn’t caught her. I saw her face turn red as he steadied her and stepped back. Her pupils dilated and her mouth dropped slightly as she looked up at him and then over at me. I just nodded and shrugged with a sigh, I knew exactly how she was feeling. How the hell had he not had sex in three years? It wouldn’t be for lack of women throwing themselves at his feet, that was for sure. Dan loaded up with nearly all the bags in one go and headed out.
‘He’s your boyfriend? Wow,’ she groaned. I just smiled, why not let her think it and I really couldn’t be bothered to explain, I wouldn’t know how to if I wanted to. Twenty minutes later we pulled up outside the supermarket.
‘Are you still going to be eating with me at night?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know,’ he shrugged with a heavy sigh.
‘Well you’d better make your mind up fast, if I only buy enough to feed one and we get snowed in, I won’t have enough to keep us both going.’ He stayed looking ahead, both hands gripping the steering wheel tightly, as if he were afraid if he let go they’d automatically reach for me. I watched as he chewed on the inside of his lip. ‘If it’s going to be that hard for you to sit with me, I’ll cook and you can pick up your meals and take them back to yours.’
‘That’s not fair to you. You’re on holiday. I’m the help.’
‘I love cooking and I don’t like the idea of you not eating properly, you need to eat decent meals, Dan.’
‘Please don’t do that,’ he said quietly.
‘Do what?’
‘Care about me.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I don’t deserve it.’
‘Then please don’t do that.’
‘What?’
‘Keep putting yourself down, you tell me off when I do it. I may not know you very well, but I can sense that you’re a good man, Dan.’ He blinked, stirring himself out of his focus on a spot on the windscreen as his mobile rang and he pulled it out of his pocket and frowned.
‘Go and do the shopping for two. I have some private calls I need to make. I’ll load it all when you get back and pay you for my share.’ His tone had changed, he’d reverted again and in this moment he reminded me of the Captain, barking orders at his employees.
‘Fine, I’ll go alone. I also need to go somewhere that sells cheap printers.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I need to … print,’ I replied, wondering why that wasn’t perfectly obvious from the fact that I needed a printer. He seemed somewhere else all of a sudden.
‘I’ll unlock the desk unit and set up the one at the house up for you.’
‘He won’t mind?’
‘All part of the service. I believe I mentioned that I needed some privacy?’
‘Sometimes you can be a really cold arse!’ I exclaimed as I climbed out of the car and slammed the door. This time he didn’t follow me and I deliberately took my time browsing the aisles to calm down. This man blew hot and cold like no one I’d ever known, and even more infuriating than that, if that were even possible, was that I still wanted him. I spent a ridiculous amount on food and some vodka, mulled wine and Baileys and some freezer boxes to store some of the meals I planned on cooking. I had to purchase frozen veg for Christmas dinner, just in case we couldn’t get out. I struggled to push the over loaded trolley back to the car and noticed he was out of it, pacing backwards and forwards with his phone glued to his ear, oblivious to me approaching.
‘That’s not your decision to make Theo,’ he snapped angrily. ‘She’s my responsibility not yours, it’s a burden I’ll carry. I won’t keep having this conversation with you and I don’t want to hear from you again on the matter, if anything changes I’ll contact you. Goodnight.’ His tone was sharp as he ended the call and he turned around and punched the side of the Land Rover with a look of pure fury on his face. I gasped and his head snapped around. He saw me standing a few feet from him, frozen with my hands on the trolley as I looked at him in surprise. ‘How long have you been standing there?’ he barked. ‘I told you I was making private calls.’
‘You’re in the middle of a car park shouting on your phone, I wasn’t intentionally eavesdropping. You know this was all supposed to be simple, I hired a boathouse in the middle of nowhere so I could come and get away from men and their problems, to have a break to rest and recharge. I didn’t ask to be your responsibility, I didn’t ask to be a burden and I didn’t ask to have another man screw me around because he doesn’t know what he wants. I didn’t want my life made even more complicated than it is. I just wanted things to be easy for the next few weeks, but suddenly you’re making that really hard.’ I felt my bottom lip quivering and willed myself not to cry.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I don’t want to hear another apology, Dan. Please can we load up and go. I just want to get home.’
‘As you wish.’
‘O screw you and your sudden uncaring attitude. You want to just be the help? Fine, I’ll treat you like the help from here on out. Here, knock yourself out.’ I shoved the trolley in his direction and marched over to the car, climbed in and slammed the door and focussed on looking out somewhere where he wasn’t in my line of sight or visible in any reflective surfaces. I felt the draught of cold air as he opened the back door and the rustle of bags as he loaded up and closed it. I heard him climb in and then put the key in the ignition then suddenly felt his fingers brush my cheek, so I slapped them away. ‘Don’t touch me,’ I bit, angrily.
He sighed heavily and started the engine and headed off. I watched out of the window as the lights of the town faded and we were back in complete darkness on the main road leading to the mountain. As we turned off and started making our way up its side and I saw how thick the snow was, and how much harder it was coming down the higher we climbed, I closed my eyes, willing the jo
urney to be as easy as the one out. I listened to him shifting gears and the engine straining, the bags sliding back and forth in the back as we zigzagged our way up and let out a shocked gasp and squeezed my eyes even more tightly shut as I felt us slipping backwards and heard him ram her down a gear and mutter something under his breath. The car wobbled and then straightened out.
‘I’ve got everything under control, Ellie,’ he said in a voice that was supposed to be soothing, but at this precise moment I was still so angry with him I felt like spinning around and slapping him. If this was his idea of everything being under control he needed to look up the meaning of the word. I twisted around to face the door and gripped the back of my seat with both hands and lay my head against them. ‘I’m the only child of two hard working, supportive parents who are very close to my heart. They sent me to private school, Eton as a matter of fact. I was Captain of the rugby team. I really enjoy sports. I excelled at Maths and Information Technology. I started writing computer programs when I was in my teens. Would you like me to carry on?’ he asked as my head exploded at the overload of personal information in one whole speech, well not a speech as such, he spoke in stilted sentences, imparting facts, like he was reciting a shopping list. His communication skills really weren’t great, but he’d just told me more about himself in ten or so seconds than the entire four days since I’d first met him.
‘Yes, please,’ I whispered as I opened my eyes and realised it was so black up here that if I stayed facing the passenger window, all I could see was my face reflected with his in the background. I let my eyes enjoy watching his handsome side profile, he had a slight frown of concentration as he watched the road up ahead.
‘Once I was sixteen I had more freedom at school. I discovered girls and sex. I loved sex and excelled at that as well.’ I watched as a small smile appeared on his face. Him excelling at sex I could totally get, just the thought of it made my insides water and nipples throb. ‘I had a lot of sex with a lot of girls. I was arrogant back then, women were playthings. I was like Zac back in those days. An arsehole.’
31 Days of Winter (31 Days #1) Page 14
