‘Fuck, pull yourself together man,’ I muttered as I watched her stride away in a huff after refusing to take the bait when I tried to tempt her to stay by offering her some more answers about me. I actually missed her, listening to her talk, watching her animated stunning face. I missed touching her, holding her. I blew out a deep breath and instead of running after her, I went and microwaved my meal, wolfed it down and went to bed early, stroking myself to her image again, then waking in the middle of the night soaked in sweat after seeing Rebecca’s face replaced by Ellie’s as I watched the life slip out of her while she was surrounded by people in masks frantically trying to save her.
Day Fourteen
Ellie
The day went pretty much like the last few. I tried to venture outside for a walk, but the knee deep snow was now frozen and I kept slipping on it without proper boots, so I stayed in and typed all day, in between stressing about whether I should ring Zac and tell him it was over, or wait until I saw him in person. He made me laugh again with his daily email.
Reason five. You’re so beautiful. Zac xx
Before I knew it I was at the range cooking dinner again. I rang Dan’s number and he picked up immediately, as if he’d been sitting there waiting for it to ring.
‘Hi,’ came his voice, which caressed me with the lightest of touches, like a feather running over my bare skin. Damn him!
‘Dinner’s ready, but I keep falling over on the icy snow in my boots. I’ll put it outside now and you can come and pick it up. It’s Spaghetti Bolognese.’
‘I could just knock the door when I get there. That’s not unprofessional.’
‘Fine,’ I sighed. It did seem a bit mean sticking it out on a plate, like he was a dog or something.
‘I’ll be there shortly.’
He wasn’t wrong, less than five minutes later I looked up and saw him, having left the outside light on for him. My stomach flipped to see his smiling face, so I bit my lip hard to refocus on the fact that this was Dan’s alter ego, the real Dan was the one who infuriated me with his lack of sharing, distance and formality. I carried his covered plate over to the door and opened it and stretched it out in my hand.
‘Here you are,’ I tried to avoid looking at his face.
‘Thank you, it smells great. How are you?’
‘I’m fine thank you, very busy though.’ Damn it, why did he have to be all nice and smell so good himself?
‘You want me to leave you in peace?’ he sounded hurt and I looked quickly up at his face.
‘Sorry, nothing personal, I’m just on a roll with my writing.’
‘You don’t want to ask me a question? You have four now.’
‘Not tonight, thank you,’ I replied with a shake of my head and looked down again. I needed him to go, before I launched myself at him and forgot all reason.
‘Will I see you tomorrow?’ Damn it, he sounded so hopeful and it hurt to refuse him flat out.
‘I don’t know yet.’
‘I’ll come and clear some of the snow if you want to try getting out again?’
‘I’m fine thanks, I think I’ll just stay in and write.’
‘As you wish,’ he replied with a heavy sigh. I was starting to hate that phrase.
‘Is there anything else? I really need to get on.’
‘No, nothing. Goodnight, Ellie.’ He was still lingering.
‘Goodnight.’ I closed the door, leaving the light on for him as I grabbed my plate and headed upstairs to eat at the desk. I watched as I saw him enter his place, with a look back up at me.
I went and tried to relax with a hot bath and an early night with my earphones in listening to some music to try and drown out the millions of thoughts of this complex man that were rattling around in my brain.
Day Fifteen
Ellie
I rubbed my eyes at the desk. I’d hardly slept all night, I felt bad at the way things were between Dan and I, and I’d been worrying about the fact that I knew it was over with Zac and he didn’t. I really didn’t want to do it by email, nor phone, but it felt so wrong leaving him hanging, even after what he’d done to me. I checked another email from him.
Reason six. You’re sexy. Zac xx
‘What are you on?’ I yelled at my screen. If I was as sexy, beautiful, and as good in bed as he was making out, why the hell had he slept with other women?
It was mid-afternoon and I watched as Dan ventured out onto the ice with a stick. I sat with my heart in my mouth as he made it about a third of the way across. What was he doing? What if he fell through? How would I help him or raise the alarm? It would be too late, if he went into the cold water he’d probably freeze to death in minutes. I slumped back in my chair with a heavy sigh of relief to see him turn back and make it to the shore, with a quick glance up at me, before he headed back inside. I rang his number.
‘Ell … Miss Baxter. How can I help you?’
‘I need to make a personal call and may be on the phone for a long time. Will that be a problem?’
‘Not at all. The two properties are on separate numbers.’
‘I’ll quite happily pay for the cost of the call, it’s to London and I made another to the property agents the other day.’
‘No payment required.’
‘But I’m already getting a really good deal I don’t want to take advantage.’
‘If anything I owe you more money, for feeding me. As soon as I can get out to get some cash I’ll repay you.’
‘No need. If I wasn’t here I’d be feeding Zac at home anyway. Sorry to have troubled you. I’ll try and bring your dinner down later.’ I went to hang up and heard him call my name. ‘What?’ I sighed.
‘What am I having tonight?’
‘A beouf bourginoine with crushed new potatoes.’
‘Sounds delicious.’
‘It will be.’
‘You’re an excellent cook.’
‘Thank you.’ I couldn’t bring myself to carry on the self-flattery and say “I know” like he would.
‘You should become a professional chef.’
‘What are you doing?’ I asked, puzzled.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You know what I mean. Buttering me up like a slice of toast and being all interested in me. We agreed.’
‘We agreed that we could be friends.’
‘That was BSA.’
‘BSA?’ he asked, sounding puzzled.
‘Before Stan arrived, your cold alter ego. Bye.’ I quickly put the phone down and swore. I really wasn’t sure I could keep this up. I missed him, really missed him like he’d been a massive part of my life for years, not that we’d only met two weeks ago, and I’d spent more time with his seriously frustrating side than his amazing one. I logged online and searched for the earliest available flight home, right now I didn’t care if I had to crawl on my stomach across that ice and leave all my belongings behind, I couldn’t keep this up. I groaned when I saw that all flights had been suspended, the earliest one out was on Saturday 4th January, subject to the weather following predicted patterns, only two days earlier than my original flight, but even two days and nights was two less of torturing myself with him a stone’s throw away. I booked it and cancelled my original flight. The landline rang and I groaned again, debating answering it, but knowing him if I didn’t pick it up he’d come to find me. ‘What?’
‘You’re really angry with me.’
‘Yes ... no ... I don’t know,’ I sighed.
‘You are.’
‘Fine, yes I am. Can I go now?’
‘I’d like to come and eat with you tonight.’
‘I’d rather you don’t. I’m sorry but I have a call that I really need to make.’
‘What can I do to apologise?’ he asked softly.
‘Nothing, you were upfront from the start that you didn’t want to cross the line and couldn’t give me what I wanted. I should’ve listened.’
‘What if I was wrong?’ I gulped and closed my eyes. He was
breaking me, again.
‘Then I’ll let you in, you’ll be all nice again and just when we’re getting on really well you’ll shut down on me again. Thanks, but no thanks.’
‘God damn it Ellie, this isn’t easy for me,’ he snapped with a raised voice.
‘Me neither. I’ll bring your dinner down later. Bye.’
I couldn’t face another emotionally draining conversation quite yet, so I went down and put all the dinner ingredients in the slow cooker for dinner before going to watch Kick Ass 2 to make me laugh, which cheered me up. I put the potatoes to cook on a low heat and made myself a seriously strong Baileys coffee and retreated to the lounge. After making myself comfortable on the sofa I took a deep breath and dialled my home number, my old home number.
‘Hello,’ came Zac’s voice and I froze. I used to love hearing his voice. Five years, five years together and it was ended with this phone call, or was Brooke right, it really had ended a long time ago. ‘Ellie? Is that you?’
‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have rung you. I’ll see you in a few weeks.’
‘El don’t go, please don’t hang up,’ he begged. “El” no one called me that but him and it suddenly sounded so harsh to my ears, at least he hadn’t called me hun or honey. I’d always hated that. ‘Honey, I really miss you,’ he whined as I screwed up my face.
‘I’ve got to tell you before you say anything else, I hate that nickname.’
‘El?’
‘Honey and hun.’
‘You’ve always loved me calling you that.’
‘No, I didn’t, and being the dutiful girlfriend I never told you, I didn’t want to upset you. How ironic is that given what I walked in on that Friday?’
‘What’s happened to you, you’re different,’ he exclaimed.
‘You happened to me Zac, you made a mockery out of me and our relationship.’
‘And I’ve apologised, I fucked up big style, I know that. I’m just so glad you’ve called to work it out. Come home El, come home now, I miss you,’ he sighed.
‘Zac, I’m so sorry but I’m not calling to work it out and I really didn’t want to do this over the phone but …’
‘No!’ he yelled. ‘You don’t get to end it like this, I deserve a chance, a chance to explain.’
‘What could you possibly say to me that would make me forgive you, Zac? You lied to me, you cheated on me, you stole from me and worst of all you put me at risk. I had to go to an STD clinic myself to make sure I’ve not been infected with anything. So please tell me what you think would ever make me forgive you?’
‘You don’t know the stress I was under El, please honey.’
‘STOP honeying me. We were a couple Zac, engaged to be married. I asked you every night how your day had been, every night you had the opportunity to tell me and you didn’t. I can understand you being stressed, I can understand you acting out with the sex and the drugs, hell I could probably even forgive that, but there’s no excuse for keeping me in the dark, not after so long together.’
‘Come on El, I was fucked financially. I did everything I could to get out of it. I even mortgaged the fucking apartment for half a million to try and dig myself out of some of the worst losses. You’d have wanted me then? You’d have still wanted me when I lost the apartment, had to sell the Porsche, and stop buying you things and paying for nice holidays?’
‘Don’t you even think about making out that all I was interested in was your money Zac, or did you forget where I grew up? What pressure I put myself under to get through Uni? If it was just about bagging a guy with money I could have gone off with any of a hundred or so sleaze bags that were touching me up every night in the Casino. Don’t make out like I’m a shallow bimbo who fed off you.’
‘I’m sorry El, I’m just … you’re breaking up with me for fucks sake. Over the bloody phone. I didn’t even deserve it in person?’
‘I know it seems a cowards way out Zac, but I’m sure. I’m one hundred percent sure that I can never forgive you for deceiving me and lying to me for so long, so for me it’s over. I didn’t want to leave you hanging, waiting for me to come home in another few weeks with false hope of a reconciliation. I didn’t mean to hurt you like this.’
‘Tit for tat, hey?’ I heard him weakly laugh, then I heard him sob.
‘Zac, please don’t cry, this can’t be a shock to you? You left me a long time ago and I hung on, even though I was unhappy, waiting for you to share. We’ve been drifting towards this for a long time.’
‘I feel like I’m fucking dying Ellie, I love you,’ he moaned.
‘No Zac, you loved the idea of me, the perfectly behaved girlfriend on your arm. I looked pretty, spoke well, I entertained your clients at our place with nicely cooked meals. Did you even want to leave the city and move to the country and have kids? And no more lies, I’ve had enough of them, I’ve already gone so you’ve nothing to lose. Be honest with me for once, be honest with yourself.’
‘I did love you El, I do love you, but no, I really didn’t want to leave. I love it here, you do too, the parties, the socialising.’
‘I loved it Zac, when I was younger and a bit more carefree. I want a career, a serious career and I want children.’
‘Then I’ll do it for you Ellie, anything to keep you.’
‘That’s just it Zac, I don’t want you to change to make me happy, just like I shouldn’t give up what I want for you. I want you to sort yourself out, keep going to rehab, if you ever were. Stop screwing around and get yourself straight. You could make someone really happy.’
‘Were you never happy with me?’
‘Of course I was. Our first few years were great, Zac. You were funny, charming, carefree, attentive and made me feel so special, most girls would kill to have that from their guy. You don’t need the Porsche, the business suits or the fancy apartment. Start again and just be you.’
‘Without you?’
‘Yes, without me. If you need help kicking the drugs I’ll do what I can as a friend, but don’t read into that. You really hurt me and betrayed my trust Zac, but I’m not heartless, I still care and I don’t want to see you suffer.’
‘Fuck Ellie, can’t we just turn back the clock? Only you could forgive me, only you could forgive a drunk driver who killed your parents and pay a monthly allowance to his kid. I was a fucking fool to fuck this up.’ I cringed as I heard him start crying again. Why had I rung him? Maybe I should have waited and done it in person.
‘Zac, what’s done is done, ok? Maybe I was to blame too. I didn’t see how unhappy you were, I should’ve pushed you harder for answers.’
‘Don’t,’ he sniffed. ‘Don’t do that, don’t put yourself down. You’ve been nothing but perfect from the moment I met you.’
‘If I was, you wouldn’t have slept with other women, Zac,’ I said quietly. ‘Listen, this isn’t helping either of us. I’m going to go, ok? I just didn’t want to leave you hanging, and if it helps you can have the ring back if it pays off some of your debts.’
‘O God what have I done, El? You’re incredible! But no, it’s yours, so keep it, I owe you so much more. I promise if I can sort myself out I’m going to pay you back, but I’m not giving up on us Ellie, I’ve already changed. You just need to give me more time.’
‘Zac, I …’ I gasped as I heard a woman’s voice in the background shouting ‘Zac baby, come back to bed.’
‘Fuck,’ he uttered with a panicked breath. ‘It’s not what it sounded like Ellie, I…’
‘No Zac, it’s exactly what it sounded like, and to think I was starting to feel sorry for you and wanted to be there for you as a friend. Well, I’ll let you hear how things sound from my end. It sounds like fuck you arsehole,’ I hissed and cut him off then burst into tears. I didn’t even know why I was crying. I’d rung to end it with him, I didn’t even want him back. I just felt so stupid, for really believing that he wasn’t lying to me again, for still caring and wanting to help him. I was suddenly aware of sizzling and realised t
he potatoes were boiling over. I got up, ran over and yanked them off the hob then turned off the slow cooker and started crying again. I leaned back on the island and put my hands over my eyes and heard a knock at the door.
‘Not now, Dan,’ I yelled without even looking around.
‘You’re crying,’ he called.
‘I said not now, please go away.’ I wiped my eyes on my sleeves, and when he didn’t reply I plonked myself on a stool and bent over the countertop. I decided I was going to cry until I had no more tears left. I was going to cry any residual part of Zac’s betrayal still inside me away. I felt Dan’s presence before I heard him, like an electric current running through my body and all my hairs stood on end. I looked up and saw him looking at me horrified, standing just inside the front door. Acting out of pure instinct, and a need for his comfort, I got up and ran to him and jumped up into his arms, flinging mine around his neck and tightening my legs around his waist as I buried my face in his neck and sobbed.
‘I did this to you?’ he whispered, the mortification evident in his voice as he held me to him tightly. I shook my head and tightened my own grip in case he tried to break our connection. ‘Arsehole?’
‘Yes,’ I whimpered.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
‘No.’
‘What can I do?’
‘Just hold me, please,’ I whispered. I heard his footsteps on the wooden floor, then going up the stairs.
‘Unhook your arms and legs,’ he said in his soft low sexy tone. ‘I’ve got you.’ I didn’t question him, I just did as I was told and he swung me around into his arms, kicked off his boots and climbed into the bed, laying us both down. He pulled the duvet over us, then wrapped his arms around me and draped his leg over the top of mine. I tucked my arms up against his chest and enjoyed his warmth and lovely smell and my tears started slowing immediately, but my body was speeding up and I could feel his heart matching the speed of my own as his chest flexed against my face.
31 Days of Winter (31 Days #1) Page 23
