by Maisey Yates
“Well, I was going to have safe sex with him,” Ellie huffed.
“I know. But... You know, a disastrous handshake might result in a flesh wound or something. A little bit of embarrassment. Disastrous sex...” She put her hand on her stomach. “I mean, this didn’t end up being a disaster, but it wasn’t like Jacob and I were planning on having a baby.”
“I actually kind of agree with what you’re saying,” Ellie said. “Sex isn’t casual, even when we pretend that it is. And I think we have a lot of layers of pretending in our world. But even if we decide that emotionally it’s not that big of a deal, it’s physically a potentially very big deal. With consequences. And all of that. I know. And that’s why I feel like I’m stuck. Because I want to do it, but in the end I think I need a little bit of emotional closeness. Trust. I think I’d need that for it to be sexy.”
“You know, that sounded a lot nicer than saying he was safe.”
“So you’re saying I need to change my approach?”
“I’ll tell you what. Let’s talk again in a couple of days. I have a feeling this is going to sort itself out naturally,” Vanessa said.
“Why? Why do you think it’s going to sort itself out? I have no similar confidence that it will sort itself out either way. In terms of our friendship, or in terms of me having sex.” Ellie huffed a laugh. “Also, I might die of embarrassment. So there’s that.”
Would anything ever be simple? She felt fifteen and also one thousand years old at the same time. Like a stupid, immature child and single mother with the weight of the world on her shoulders.
Young and old in all the worst ways.
“I think...” Vanessa spoke slowly. “Actually, the biggest issue with all of this is that you’re assuming he’s never thought about having sex with you before.”
“I don’t think he has.” She laughed because crying was the only other option. “He was horrified.”
“I don’t know,” Vanessa said, maneuvering the car up the dirt road that led to Ellie’s house. “If he really never thought about it, don’t you think he would’ve asked you...if you were joking? Or...something? Was he shocked and appalled? Or was he angry? Because I think that tells you something.”
“Oh,” Ellie said, looking out the window. The car stopped, and Ellie remained motionless. “I don’t think he thinks about me that way,” she said finally.
“I think he does,” Vanessa said. “And I feel guilty saying anything because that’s all stuff that I’ve observed being part of the family. And Caleb is intensely protective of you. I think more than anyone on earth, he wouldn’t want something to jeopardize your relationship.”
“Well, he should have said that to me instead of getting angry at me,” Ellie said, feeling stirred up and resolute.
She felt slightly guilty for the way she’d talked to Caleb, but her feelings were still hurt, and she didn’t want to let go of that, either.
“Maybe,” Vanessa said. “But he didn’t. And you should have handled things differently, too. But like I said, you two care about each other, and that means it’s going to sort itself out. You know, when one of you sorts it out.”
“That sounds like work,” Ellie said. “And not like it simply handling itself.”
“Oh, well,” Vanessa said cheerfully.
Ellie sighed, unbuckled her seat belt and got out of the car. “Good night.”
Vanessa’s good-night was muffled by the closing of the door. Ellie trudged toward the house, pausing for a moment because she wasn’t sure she was ready to deal with bidding farewell to the babysitter.
She was so confused. She’d gone out. She’d gone dancing. And she’d felt something a lot like desire for another person for the first time in years.
But it hadn’t been for a stranger.
And it hit her then how much she wished it could’ve been.
How much she wished she could be different.
Whatever it took, a little more denial, a little less self-awareness... God knew she was damaged. But maybe it wasn’t damage she needed to have anonymous sex.
Maybe it was more self-confidence?
She closed her eyes and saw Caleb’s face in her mind’s eye. The way he had looked at her.
Fury.
There had been fury in his eyes when he had walked into that bar, and she hadn’t identified it until just now.
Maybe the real problem was just him. That he had shown up, and that suddenly not a single man in the room had looked remotely appealing.
Who was the most attractive man she knew. And really, what was the point of being with somebody that she found less attractive?
Ease. Simplicity. Not ruining your friendship.
Hell, she might have already ruined their friendship.
Because if he hadn’t ever thought of sleeping with her, and she’d just thrown that into the middle of the table, now it was there. The thought was there. It was certainly in her mind.
And if he had thought about sleeping with her before?
Well, she was going to have to sit with that.
And she could only hope that what Vanessa said was right. That it would sort itself out.
She and Caleb had been through hell together.
This was just a blip on the radar.
She would have to make sure of that.
CHAPTER SIX
CALEB HAD SLEPT terribly last night, and now he was in a helluva mood. And sadly, this morning he had an audience for that mood.
West was meeting with Hank and Tammy this morning, and all the brothers, plus McKenna, were assembled in the kitchen waiting to see how it had all gone. They hadn’t planned this. They’d just all shown up.
“Why are you guys at home?” he asked, feeling grumpy as he lifted his coffee mug to his lips. He knew the answer already. It was the same reason he was here. But he felt spiteful.
“We’re offering emotional support for West,” Gabe said.
“Are you?”
“And eating Mom’s cookies for breakfast,” Jacob said.
“Why are you in such a mood?” McKenna asked.
“Not in a mood,” Caleb responded.
“Yeah, you’re in a mood,” Jacob commented.
“You were in a mood for four years.”
“And you called me out on it,” Jacob said.
“No,” Caleb said. “I didn’t really. I let you have it.”
“How’s your Christmas tree farm?” Gabe asked.
“Good,” he responded, surprised that his brother had asked about that.
“I want details,” McKenna said. “I love Christmas. Officially and forever now, thanks to my new family and my upcoming Christmas wedding. So a Christmas tree farm—”
“Is not my ultimate goal. But if you’d like to adopt my Christmas trees, McKenna...”
“Grant would love that,” she said, exceedingly cheerful.
“Made any progress on the place?” Jacob asked.
“No. I don’t close until next week.”
“Well, that should be enough time,” Gabe said.
“Time for what?” Caleb asked.
“To figure out if West is going to work out or if we have to find someone else.”
“Am I being kicked out of the family already?”
Just then, West appeared in the doorway of the kitchen. Tammy and Hank were standing behind him. Hank looked grim, and Tammy’s face was pale, her eyes red.
“No one is kicking you out of the family,” Hank said.
“I was kidding,” West said.
The strain and tension, the toll this was taking on his parents’ marriage, was obvious. West didn’t seem at all affected by it. But then, there was no real reason he should be, Caleb supposed. He didn’t have any ties to this family beyond blood. But even if Caleb knew that both of his parents had a stake
in this situation, he couldn’t enjoy watching them have to contend with it. He had thought they’d been through the worst of it.
They’d had a volatile marriage for years. It had made Caleb certain that he didn’t want any part of the institution from an early age. The screaming, the fighting, the betrayals. Yeah, they hadn’t exactly sold it. But then for the past decade or so everything had been good. Tammy had finally threatened to leave, and she’d meant it. And Hank had promised to stay faithful—which he had.
When their McKenna had come into the picture a year ago it had created a small wave, but it was all sins of the past.
That Hank had been unfaithful wasn’t a surprise. It was just the appearance of an illegitimate child that had been somewhat of a revelation.
But this... That there were more children. And that Tammy had known and hid it... It was testing things.
Caleb didn’t think it was fair.
His mother had been faithful. For all of her sins, and she certainly had committed them, she had never once violated her marriage vows. And in his mind, she had done the best she could to protect the children that she had by sending the women who had come to get money from Hank Dalton far, far away.
For Hank, it had taken his sins and compounded them. Because not only had he been unfaithful, now he was a negligent father, too.
And that was something he was struggling with.
Caleb had a feeling that if he were Tammy he would have told his father that he didn’t get to struggle.
He made morally unacceptable decisions for years. Tammy had done this one thing.
She’d forgiven him, over and over again, and given him a chance to change.
He didn’t think Hank had the luxury of hesitating on his own forgiveness.
But it wasn’t Caleb’s marriage to fix.
And these weren’t his sins to atone for.
Maybe one of these new kids would be the one Hank had wanted all along. One who was smart and went to college and did something other than ranching.
Someone who wasn’t Caleb.
“Well,” Tammy said finally. “Isn’t this some sullen family meeting.” She sighed heavily. “West, you’re family.”
West turned and looked at Tammy. “I’d have done the same thing,” he said finally. “You didn’t owe me a damn thing. You certainly didn’t owe my mother a damn thing.”
“Thank you,” Tammy said. “But I don’t require absolution. We don’t like to sit with our sin for a while. And we are not afraid of anger.” She looked over at Hank, and then back at the boys. “Did you want some coffee?”
“Got it,” Gabe said.
“I’d take some more,” Jacob said.
Topped off with coffee, and sent off with doughnuts, they exited the house, heading out toward the area of the property that housed the school.
“So you’re leaving,” West said, addressing Caleb.
“I’m not going far.”
“Provided I work out as a... What exactly do we do?”
“We’re mentors,” Jacob said. “Which is hilarious, because we are all pretty marginal characters.”
“Good to know,” he said.
“I’ll walk you through the paces today,” Gabe said. “But a lot of it’s farm work. And we’re helping guide the boys in it, to an extent. Because we believe that a little blood and a little bit of sweat makes for a better man.”
“Well, I do believe that,” West said. West and Gabe went off toward Gabe’s office, and McKenna bid them all a farewell so she could get back to Get Out of Dodge and get started on her workday there.
But Jacob lingered with Caleb.
“Vanessa said that last night got weird,” he said.
“I knew you were waiting to comment on that,” Caleb said. “Your wife needs a lesson on keeping things to herself.”
“My wife tells me everything. And I tell her everything. So you had better be aware that I’m going to tell her you said that.”
Caleb sighed. “Ellie and I had a fight. Not a big deal.”
“Yes, it is. Because you never fight.”
Jacob wasn’t going to leave him alone unless he just told him. And anyway, why not? If Vanessa hadn’t already, she would. “Well, she asked me to sleep with her.”
Jacob nearly snapped his neck, turning to face him. “She what?”
“You heard me. I’m not repeating it.”
“And you said no.”
“Damn right I said no.”
“You said no,” Jacob repeated.
“She is Clint’s wife,” Caleb said, and not even he believed that bullshit excuse.
“Clint is dead,” Jacob said. “And you want her. We can pretend that you don’t. But you lectured me on grabbing hold of a woman who wanted me when I was nearly dumb enough to let Vanessa get away.”
Caleb felt like he’d been slapped. “Whatever I felt for Ellie...that was a long time ago. When I talked to you about women I meant...not waiting till the moment passed. The moment passed for Ellie and me when she became Clint’s wife.”
Jacob looked at him for a while. “And you’ve never wanted her since.”
He thought back to the lessons. To the dress.
To the dance.
It should be you.
“I didn’t say that.”
“Well. If you want her, why not?”
He blew out a harsh breath. “She’s Clint’s wife. I can’t...”
“I thought all this stuff...the Christmas tree farm and all of that... Isn’t it about changing things?”
“Change for the sake of it isn’t exactly good.”
“Yeah, but there’s a few different kinds of change. And also, you can’t stop change. It will happen. But some change you can take a little control of at least.”
“I’ll keep it under advisement.”
“Speaking as a man whose entire life is different now than it was a few months ago... I might know what I’m talking about.” He cleared his throat. “And if it’s not you it’s going to be someone else. She’s on the path now. She won’t just...stop. You know Ellie. Think on that.”
Jacob gave him a half wave and wandered off. As far as Caleb was concerned, it was all easy for Jacob to say.
This was stuff Caleb had wrestled with for years. And Ellie had stirred it up again, easy as a shimmy into a tight red dress and a careless request.
He’d been willing to let it lie.
But she hadn’t left well enough alone.
Jacob was right about one thing; if it wasn’t him it would be someone else. Todd from the bar. A guy named Todd. What the hell.
And if not him someone else.
Some other guy who wouldn’t take care of her the way she deserved. Who wouldn’t appreciate what she was.
And just going out and getting it over with was...
She deserved more than that.
He continued to walk across the property, and suddenly, there she was, a light shining down on her golden hair, illuminating her like it was a halo.
It made him think far too keenly about the first time he’d seen her. And the way it had torn him up inside.
She saw him and ducked her head, her cheeks turning bright pink.
He let out a long, slow breath and began to cross the space toward her.
“Hi,” she said. “I left Amelia with a different babysitter today. Your mom mentioned that this morning they were going to be dealing with some family things.”
It struck him that it was interesting she led with that comment about her daughter. He cared very much about her daughter. He had been there when she was born.
He avoided sometimes thinking about how close he felt to her. Because there was something sharp about it. Something kind of painful. About what might’ve been and wasn’t.
But she had definitely
led with that to avoid talking about what was really on her mind. And he could tell from the color of her cheeks exactly what she was thinking about.
“West was meeting with my parents this morning. With...our dad.”
“Do you think that Hank and Tammy are going to be okay?”
Ellie hadn’t known his parents during the most intense time in their relationship. She had really gotten to know them after they patched things up between them, and it had been smooth sailing for quite a few years.
“Honestly, they’ve been through a lot worse things than this. Personally, I think my dad owes it to her to let it go.”
“Do you think you could let it go that easily? Finding out that you had kids you didn’t know about?”
That question seemed tangled up in what he’d been thinking earlier about Amelia. No, he didn’t have children, but he had been helping take care of another man’s child for a long damn time. And if he had children of his own, and they were kept from him for any reason...
“Yeah, I’d be angry. But the thing is, Hank hasn’t earned the right. I think he has to give it up, basically. Because he did a lot of things that hurt my mother. A lot of them. He did a lot of things that hurt Gabe. The kids that he had. How can he be rigid about someone else’s mistake?”
“Well, feelings aren’t fair,” she said.
And that statement felt loaded, too.
“I guess not,” he said.
“I guess I better go set up my...my classroom for school tomorrow.”
She turned and then paused, standing in the doorway of the barn, and it was the damnedest thing. Right there in the doorway was a sprig of mistletoe, with a red ribbon tied around it.
He looked around for the first time and noticed that there were some Christmas decorations up in a few places around the barn. Probably because Tammy had hired someone to do it. It wasn’t even December yet.
But there it was. Mistletoe. Like a beacon. Like a sign.
And suddenly, everything just seemed to fit. Right there, in that spot where she stood.
Like all along the way, since last night, he had been collecting jagged pieces, and in this moment he had figured out how they all went together.
Ellie. He wanted her.
