But I don’t.
Can’t.
She needs time to herself.
As much as I don’t want to, I find myself slowly backing away from her. My eyes are still cradling hers as I jerk a thumb towards the door. “I’ll go downstairs and order a pizza or something for us, alright? You stay up here as long as you want and relax.”
Just as I’m about to sprint through the doorway into the bedroom, her voice stops me cold.
“JT?”
I turn back. “Yeah?” My voice is gruff. Seeing her standing there naked like that… It’s the stuff dreams are made of. How someone can look so damn innocent and vulnerable all the while standing naked like that is beyond me, but she does.
“Stay with me?”
Fuck.
I’m hard as steel over here. And she doesn’t need that right now.
Because I want to reach out to her so badly, I shove my hands into my khakis. “I should… ah… really go downstairs. Get dinner figured out.”
“Please?”
Her voice is nothing more than a softly pleaded whisper. One that arrows right through the heart of me. One I’m not able to refuse.
But still… “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
She simply nods her head before holding out her hand. With quick movements, I strip off my shirt and jeans, sliding the boxer briefs over my thighs before kicking them free.
And then I’m just as naked as she is.
I pause.
We stare at one another for a long moment before I take her hand, towing her slowly towards me until I’m able to wrap my arms around her. Until I’m able to protect her with my strength. Because that’s all I really want to do. For just a moment, we stand there, our bodies pressed together. All my hard edges tightly aligned with her softness.
I don’t think my cock has ever been more painfully hard in my entire life.
Finally pulling away, I step into the steamy water before carefully lowering myself. My back is pressed against the edge of the tub. Once I’m settled, I hold my hand out for her to join me. She steps between my legs before turning her back to me. My eyes arrow right to that heart-shaped ass of hers before Claire slowly lowers herself into the water. She sucks in a sharp little breath as her body becomes fully submerged. Until she’s sighing, leaning her slender back against my chest. Resting her head on my shoulder, her eyes finally feather closed.
Wrapping my arms around her middle, I pull her closer. Something finally settles within me as I realize that I’m exactly where I want to be. I’m not thrilled with how we ended up here, but I’m happy to have Claire in my arms, in my tub, in my house.
Over the course of the next few minutes, her entire body loosens, limb by long, lean limb, relaxing into mine as if her bones are melting. Her breathing slowly becomes deep and even. I kiss the side of her neck before my hands come up to caress her breasts. A soft little sigh of contentment escapes from her mouth as I stroke her nipples before cupping the soft mounds of flesh.
“That feels nice,” she murmurs. Her voice sounds as if she’s on the cusp of sleep.
“It does,” I agree lazily.
“I could stay here all night.”
So could I, I realize.
After another ten minutes, I pick up her hand, lifting it from the water so we can inspect it together. “You’re turning pruney.”
Slowly she turns her head until her eyes are able to catch mine. For a long moment, she remains silent as if contemplating me.
“How is it that you’ve turned out to be so very different from what I thought?”
Her question is completely genuine as if she can’t quite understand how the two of us have arrived at this place. How we went from her barely being able to tolerate me to lying naked in my arms in a matter of weeks. I’ll freely admit that I’m not quite sure how it happened either. Because in all honesty, I never thought I could be like this. There’s never been a woman who’s made me want to be different from the guy I’ve always been.
No one has ever made me yearn to be better.
But I find myself wanting to be that for Claire. I’d happily turn myself into a pretzel if it would make her happy.
“You always seemed like such a jerk… but you aren’t one at all.” She blinks before adding softly, “At least I don’t think you are.” As she shakes her head, I see the sharp shards of bitterness that slowly seep their way into her eyes. “Then again, apparently I’m not a very good judge of character when it comes to men or friends.”
I really fucking hate that they’ve made Claire question herself.
Even though her warm, pliant body is already pressed against mine, I pull her even closer. As I do, I realize that it’s still not close enough. I’m starting to wonder if it will ever be close enough.
Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve gotten to know Claire on a surprisingly deeper level. It only has me realizing that there is so much more I still want to discover about her. More than anything, I want to protect her from the assholes out there who would take advantage of all the goodness and innocence that radiates so intensely from her.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Claire. You trusted Ryan, and he broke that trust.”
“How could I have ever thought he was the right one… and you were the wrong one?”
I sigh before admitting softly, “Because I was the wrong one, too. At least at that point, I was. But I’ve been getting my shit together. I spent a lot of time letting things from my past dictate the future and that was stupid and self-destructive.”
Biting her lower lip, she asks softly, “What happened out there on the field today? You weren’t playing like you normally do.”
My body tenses beneath hers. The last thing I want to talk about right now is my family. I don’t want to invite them into my relationship with her. Half the time, I just want to pretend they don’t exist.
When I say nothing in response, she suddenly sits up. Water sloshes against the sides with her movements. I almost panic, thinking that she’s leaving the tub, leaving me, but she doesn’t. Instead, she turns, her slippery skin sliding erotically against mine as she straddles my waist, repositioning herself so that we’re now facing one another. She wiggles just a bit closer until my erection is nestled perfectly against the lips of her pussy. I can’t help but hiss out a strained breath in response.
Fuck.
This situation has become entirely too dangerous. I was okay when her delectable little backside was pressed against my front. But this? Her soft, sweet pussy now cradling my thick length? All I have to do is flex my hips, and I’d be able to slide right inside her warmth.
A knowing grin slowly curves its way across her face as she takes in my pained expression. My hands wrap around her waist, holding her still so that she can’t continue squirming around on top of me. I’m already hard as steel. She’s way too much of a temptation for me to resist. I’m trying to do the right thing here, and she’s making it nearly impossible. When I say nothing, she tilts her head to the side before closing the distance and taking my lips with her own.
After a minute or two, she finally pulls away before asking breathlessly, “Are you going to talk to me? This is a two-way street here. You want me to tell you what’s going on with me, but you won’t open up at all?”
I didn’t think it was possible for anything to deflate the boner I have going on. Especially with the way Claire’s body is pressed against mine.
But I was wrong.
Thoughts of my parents do it in fifteen seconds flat.
I shake my head, not really wanting to think about the debacle out on the field today. How I started questioning and second guessing every single move I made until it felt like I was paralyzed with indecision. How they tear me up inside. How it’s just better to distance myself from my family rather than allow them to get inside my head and fuck up my thinking.
It’s almost begrudgingly that I say, “My family was at the game today. And I let them get inside my head. Especi
ally my dad.” Even though that’s a fairly simplistic explanation of the problem, I’m hoping she’ll just accept it. There are way more interesting things that I can think of-
“Has it always been like that with them?”
Of course she doesn’t.
Even though the answer to that question is an unequivocal yes- I shrug. There’s a tightness growing between my shoulder blades. “You met my dad today. What did you think of him?”
She doesn’t even blink her eyes. “That he was an asshole.”
I snort. “And here you thought you weren’t an excellent judge of character.”
Her lips pull up at the corners just a bit. “Has he always been like that?”
“Since the day I was born.”
“Why do their thoughts and opinions matter so much to you?”
Boner?
What boner?
Because that erection is now long gone. I’m totally flaccid. If she notices, she doesn’t say a word about it. She simply waits patiently for me to continue.
“My brother has always been the one who could do no wrong.” I shake my head remembering what it was like growing up in his shadow. And yet I didn’t resent him. I wasn’t jealous of him. Hell, I wanted to be exactly like Joe.
But my father made that all but impossible. Everything I did was wrong. Or not good enough. I was never enough. Again my eyes find hers. “And I was the one who could never do anything right.” Shrugging my shoulders, I try reeling everything back in that I’ve unwittingly exposed. I fucking hate talking about them. I hate the way it makes me feel.
Like my dad is right… I’m not good enough.
I will never be good enough.
Claire knocks me out of my thoughts by laying a gentle hand against my cheek. “That must have been difficult. Never feeling like you measured up.”
I don’t care for this feeling of laying myself bare. Like someone has cut my belly wide open and is standing there inspecting my insides. I’ve spent so much time burying all of my feelings. Burying all the hurt and pain caused by them over the last two and a half decades. It’s almost painful to allow it into the light when you’ve let it linger in the darkness for so long.
“Once I got older, it didn’t matter so much. I tried not to put much stock in what my father thought.” But it’s never that easy. No matter how much you might want it to be. Even now, sometimes I think I’m still waiting for the day when my father will turn to me, praise me for something I’ve managed to do right even though, deep down, I know that will never happen.
The need I feel for his approval is pathetic.
And I hate him for creating that need within me.
Sometimes I hate myself for not being able to let it go.
For not being able to walk away from them and never look back again.
“You’re a good man, JT. It doesn’t matter what they think.”
My voice is low, scraped surprisingly raw with all the emotion she’s hell-bent on dredging up within me. After all these years, it finally feels as if someone might just see me for the person I truly am. “I haven’t always been a good man.”
Her eyes continue piercing mine. I get the feeling that Claire sees way more than I want her to. “I think you’ve finally allowed yourself to get out from beneath your brother’s shadow and your father’s image of who he thinks you are. I think the man you are today is the one you were always meant to be.”
Her words have something stilling within my heart. Because that’s exactly what it feels like when I’m with her. I’m tired of rebelling against them. I’m tired of letting them get to me, allowing them to push my buttons while I react like I’m still some fucked-up teenager with a chip on his shoulder. I’m done with that. I’m a twenty-five-year-old man. It’s time I started acting like one.
Hearing Claire say it so succinctly- stripped bare of all the emotion and history, what I’ve only begun to realize for myself… it’s strange how she can see it so clearly when I’ve spent my entire life trying to wrap my head around all the family dynamics.
Needing to distract her from the insights of our conversation, I slowly let my hands meander from her waist to her perky little breasts before carefully stroking over the hard tips of her pretty pink nipples. Almost immediately she arches her body as her head falls back, a soft sigh of contentment whispering from her lips.
I love just how responsive she is.
“You’re beautiful, Claire.”
As I continue playing with her breasts, she brings her head up until she’s able to meet my gaze again.
“I’ve thought about it, JT. Just like you asked me to, and I still want you to be the one. I want my first time to be with you.”
My cock stiffens before pressing against her soft warmth. It wouldn’t take much for me to slip right inside. But I don’t. When we finally make love, it’s going to be slow and thorough. I’m going to take my time with her beautiful body spread out on my king-sized bed.
It takes a herculean effort to tamp down my rising excitement. “I don’t want this to be some knee-jerk reaction to what’s happened this weekend. This isn’t something that has to be decided today to even tomorrow. We have all the time in the world.”
She cups my cheeks with her hands. “My decision was made before I found out about Holly and Ryan,” she murmurs softly. “And I’m not going to change my mind about it either.” She continues searching my eyes. “I want you to be the one.”
Even though I want her more than anything, I feel it’s only fair to say at least one more time, “You can change your mind at any point. I’m not going to force you into doing something you don’t want to.”
Her lips lift. “I know. That’s the difference between you and Ryan. I think that’s what was always holding me back with him. I wanted to go through with it and yet I just couldn’t. It never felt like I was making the right decision. But this does. Being with you feels right. I want my first time to be with you.”
Before I can utter a single word in response, she continues with, “And I know that this is just sex. I know we’re not a couple or anything like that. I don’t want you worrying that I’m going to suddenly become clingy or start stalking you.”
The entire length of my body tenses.
Slowly the smile falls from her lips. “I just don’t want you thinking that I’m going to fall for you or that it’ll be awkward afterward. It won’t be. I promise. I think we’re kind of,” she pauses, “friends now.”
Her words feel like an unexpected blow.
“JT?”
I jerk my head into a tight nod before hoisting my lips into a careless smile. It takes a moment for everything within me to finally settle. She may think this thing between us is casual, but it’s not. And if this is the only way I can have her right now, then so be it.
“You about ready to get out?”
She releases a long, slow breath before dazzling me with a relieved smile.
“Yeah. I’m famished.”
Me, too.
But not for food.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Claire
We order a pizza that gets delivered to the house before curling up on the couch afterward to watch some bizarre reality TV show. I’ve seen it a few times, but it’s mostly like watching a horrific car accident which is precisely how it draws you in.
It’s all shock value.
With my belly full of cheese pizza and my eyes drowsy, I’m wrapped up rather cozily in JT’s big arms. Right now, there’s no other place I’d rather be. He doesn’t seem to want to let me go even for a minute.
And I love it.
When we got out of the tub about an hour and a half ago, he grabbed a towel from the brushed nickel rack before thoroughly drying off every single inch of my body. It was such a turn on to have him on his knees, patting me, dropping soft little kisses onto my flesh.
I love the way he touches me. Stroking his fingers over my skin. It leaves me constantly wanting more. And yet he won’t give it t
o me. It’s utterly ridiculous.
I’ve told him three or four times now that I want him to be the one and yet he keeps holding me at arm’s length, telling me to wait. To slow down. To think it over. Doesn’t he get that I’ve already thought it through? I’m ready to do this. It would actually give me a complex except that he’s always hard whenever I’m near.
So… I know he wants me.
The man is a conundrum.
That’s for sure.
In the three years that I’ve known JT, I never imagined that he would treat me this carefully. Almost as if I truly mattered to him. He’s constantly putting me before himself. Which only makes me want him more. It also shows me just how different he is from Ryan, who I always thought was a good guy but turned out not to be.
And yet JT… the one I could barely stand, has turned out to be someone I want to get to know better. He’s done everything within his power to help me. To be there for me. He doesn’t want to take advantage of me. It doesn’t make sense just how wrong I was about him.
It’s the feel of his fingers sliding under my chin, gently maneuvering my face towards his that breaks me from my thoughts. I’m guessing that he wants more kisses. He seems to want them all the time.
Which I’m not going to lie- I love. The man definitely knows how to kiss.
Instead, he surprises me by asking, “What are you going to do about your apartment?”
Everything within me stills before instantly deflating. I haven’t really thought that far ahead yet.
“I don’t know,” I say slowly before sucking my lower lip into my mouth. The thought of staying there and carrying on like nothing happened seems impossible. Obviously, Holly and I can’t rewind our friendship. Nor do I think that I can forgive her for what she said and did.
How can I just let all that go?
How could I possibly trust her again?
“I don’t think I can live with her anymore. Not after what happened.”
His deep voice turns decidedly gruff. “I don’t want you there either. Especially if that jackass is going to be hanging around.”
If You Were Mine Page 20
