by Hadley Quinn
“Ahem, privacy, and we’re gonna get right to work,” Ree said, giving her some kind of silent message.
Whatever telepathy she’d just transferred to Karla, she caught the point and her friend said, “Just give me a holler if you need anything.” She waved over her shoulder and closed the barn door behind her.
“Oh my gosh,” Ree chuckled, laying her head against my chest.
“She thinks I’m a total asshole, doesn’t she?” I asked.
“I didn’t catch on until she was about to rip me a new one right in front of you.”
I wasn’t sure what she was getting at, so while she zipped up her jeans, I waited for her to expound.
She placed her hands on her hips and exhaled, staring off to the side of the barn until she finally looked at me and spoke. “My history with men consists of lots and lots of jerks,” she explained. “In my counseling sessions, plenty of that came up, and even though I was not responsible for someone else’s actions and what he did to me, I was counseled about self-respect a lot during my time with Karla.”
I felt myself scowl. “That seems a little unfair, don’t you think? You walked away from that asshole. That is standing up for yourself.”
“I know, and Karla told me that too. But it was just the fact that I was even in that situation to begin with. It was a pattern. Somehow I attract guys with superiority complexes.” I didn’t respond and she added, “Arrogant pricks.”
“Yeah, I caught that but…”
She cocked her head in confusion. “But what?”
I pointed at myself and laughed. “So I’m an arrogant prick?”
She scoffed and shook her head. “No, I never said that.”
“You just said you attract ‘em and…here I am, completely attracted to you.”
I didn’t really believe she was including me in that category, but I did feel like giving her a hard time about it until she finally said, “You sure fish for compliments a lot.”
I laughed out loud but had to agree with her. “Yes, but only from you.”
She arched a nicely sculpted eyebrow. “And why is that?”
These witty battles were enjoyable. “You know why,” I stated coyly as I walked further into the barn.
Hell, milking a fucking goat was the last thing on my mind right then but it was why we were there. And truthfully, I needed something to distract me from what had just happened a few minutes ago.
Following Ree’s lead, we washed our hands, gathered supplies, and I sat down in front of a “doe” named Tia. She didn’t seem to give a shit that I was about to milk her, just stood there chomping on some feed, so I proceeded to work my charm on her.
“Well, hello there,” I said in a deep voice. “I’m Jude and I’m about to get hands-on with you, pretty lady.”
Ree was giggling beside me as she situated herself on a stool with another goat named Ruby Sue.
“So…do you get milked here often?” I continued. I ran my hand over her back and Tia cast me a side-glance as she chewed. “You’ve got a lovely figure, beauty queen. And your eyes,” I sighed dramatically, shaking my head. “They are exceptionally…large.”
Ree chuckled again. “Maybe you two should get a room. But then again…she looks totally uninterested in you.”
“Hey now, I’m building up to my finest lines.”
“Ooh, really? I can’t wait to hear ‘em.”
“Don’t be jealous.”
She shrugged. “I’m not.”
“You are. And you’re not very good at hiding it.”
“Hmm, pretty sucky observation, Oh Observant One.”
I forced a very arrogant, just-you-wait kind of laugh. “Well, well, Captain Envious, perhaps you need to swallow a reality pill.”
She laughed out loud, attempted to make a comeback, but fell short. Then I got blasted with a stream of goat milk to my face.
“Hey, now!”
“Don’t even think about it,” she growled, pointing a stern finger at me. “My milking skills far outmatch yours, rookie.”
Challenge accepted.
Aiming a teat right at her, I asked, “Are you sure about that?”
She seemed to think about it for a moment as she narrowed her eyes at me. At last she peered into my nearly empty bucket and said, “Definitely sure, slacker. You don’t even have any experience under your belt.”
Okay, so I’d been messing around for the most part, but this exceptionally confident man was not going to be bullied by a beautiful, beguiling woman.
I held up both my hands. “You see these?”
She cocked an eyebrow at me but was trying not to smile.
“You see these, too?” I wiggled my fingers. “There’s this awful myth that piano players generally have dainty hands and slender, girly fingers. Do these look delicate to you? I’m pretty sure you experienced them quite…eagerly…and know what these hands are capable of.”
She tried to hold it in but snorted, which turned into a laugh. The best part was that I made her blush again. That subtle shade of pink was beautiful on her tan skin.
I didn’t know if I could squirt milk at her or not, but it was sure fun to mess with her. And I did concentrate on milking pretty Miss Tia after that. I can’t say I was fabulous at it, but it was definitely fun to learn something new.
There were no other sexcapades in the barn that day, but when I dropped off Ree at The Urchin for her car, I did thank her for spending the day with me and then kissed her goodbye. I jumped in the shower after I returned home, still feeling a slight high from a fun afternoon. And the little sexual encounter from earlier got me aroused again just by thinking about it, but I was glad I could do something about it this time.
After throwing on some clean clothes, I sat on the edge of my bed until I decided my next move. It was barely five p.m. and I knew I should do some composing, but I just didn’t feel like sitting at the piano right now.
I grabbed some leftover pizza from the fridge and dropped onto the couch with a notebook and a beer. There were some ideas and thoughts that flowed right out of me as I jotted down line after line of lyrics. It didn’t take me long to realize what was causing me to write these particular words because I found myself in some sort of transition phase, thinking about Lily and Anna and then back to Ree. I knew what was happening, and even though I’d been expecting it, it still made me anxious.
I went to my room and stretched across the bed, pulling out a few boxes that were stored underneath. I had pictures of my wife and daughter in the apartment, but the rest of the other things were kept safe under my bed or in the closet. It made me emotional, pulling out photo albums, indiscernible scribble drawings, and random little things like hair bows and stuffed animals.
My heart broke again, seeing these items. I would give anything to have my little Anna Banana back. She was my monkey, my cling-on… She’d become daddy’s little girl because she hadn’t seen me as much as she saw her mom for the six months before they died. I felt guilty about that. Lily was a great mom and went through a lot on her own. I took them with me on tour, but it still left my wife with a lot of parental responsibilities—way more than I ever had to deal with. They were well provided for and Annalise was a great kid, but I never realized how much Lily struggled because of my career. I loved her efforts and respected her, but I don’t think I really had her best interest at heart sometimes. I always told her I did, and she supported me tremendously, but I never knew how much she was hurting…
Until that one night.
Sighing, I set Anna’s stuffed monkey back in the box and closed the lid. There was nothing I could do to change anything now—they were gone—but memories from that night were hard to escape sometimes.
“You could have been a bit clearer, Jude,” Lily told me. “Like very upfront and direct.”
She was pissed, and I couldn’t remember a time where she’d been so upset with me. And I didn’t understand it at all. Nothing had happened, no harm was done, but Lily didn’t see it th
at way.
“And what should I have said?” I asked as I drove. It was late, and after attending a Christmas party that my record label had hosted for us in Los Angeles, we were headed back to our part time California home to get a now-sleeping Annalise to her bed.
“Oh, I don’t know, tell her to fuck off?” Lily answered.
With a sigh, I tried to explain it again. “The woman is overbearing, Lil. She’s like that with everybody. Calling me baby and hon and sugar drop? That’s how she is.”
“Jude, I swear, if she ever lays a hand on you again and I’m there to witness it, so help me God I will make her bleed.”
I didn’t doubt that Irish blood in her. But she was making a big deal out of nothing. Marguerite was naturally demonstrative and affectionate. She was the daughter of Louis LaFoy, who owned half of Track One Records. I didn’t care for either one of them and was glad I rarely had to interact with a rival label.
“Lily, listen to me,” I said calmly as I took hold of her hand.
She was starting to cry, and I just didn’t understand it. I’d never seen her get so jealous like this. She knew she could trust me one hundred percent. I’d never strayed and never wanted to. I had to assure her of all that again, and for some reason, she was bawling by the time we hit the Ventura freeway. At the same time it was as if the heavens opened up its tears as well, and it started to rain harder.
“I—just—I can’t—Jude—I don’t think…”
I waited for her to calm down but she just kept crying. “Honey, let me pull over somewhere, okay? The rain is going to make people drive stupid.”
“No,” she sniffled, grabbing some tissues out of the glove box. “I just want to go home.”
“Okay, fifteen more minutes—”
“No, I want to go back to Chicago,” she mumbled. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be around these people and the bullshit and the fake ass pieces of shit that smile to your face but want a piece of your husband behind your back. I’m done, Jude. I want to take Anna back to Chicago where I have family and people I can trust. I can’t do L.A. anymore. I can’t do another tour.”
“And what about me?” I protested. “I won’t get to see Anna for a few months at a time?”
“That’s your choice,” she whispered.
I scoffed and shook my head. We’d talked about this repeatedly before we even got married. She’d promised me we’d make it work. And when Annalise was born, she told me she didn’t care how much she had to travel, she’d make sure we’d all be together.
“I told you what you were getting into,” I said, trying not to let my frustration get the best of me.
“And I thought I could be Superwoman and I’m not.”
There wasn’t anger in her voice, just defeat, but I wasn’t able to understand how it could be so hard for her when she got the luxury of nice hotels, a nanny to help if she wanted, spa treatments, no schedule to stick to, and especially no pressure to perform for people even when you felt like shit.
“Can we can talk about this when we get home?” I sighed. Traffic was getting heavy and it started to rain even more, and on top of that, I had a huge headache because of how loud the party had been.
“I’m too tired to talk about it tonight.”
“Fine, then just go back to Chicago tomorrow. I’ll cancel my tour and meet you at home after the dust settles—”
“You’re not canceling the tour, Jude,” she replied angrily. “You can’t back out of a commitment like that and you know it.”
“I can if you need me to.”
“Oh, make me sound like the bad guy here.”
I scoffed. “Lily, what the hell do you want from me? You’re throwing all of this at me, what am I supposed to say?”
“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t time it better,” she retorted. “Next time I have a complete fucking breakdown, I’ll make sure it’s convenient for you! And in case you haven’t figured it out, I’m pregnant, Jude!!”
I glanced at her with surprise but feared taking my eyes off the road because of the weather. I felt like I needed to pull off the freeway, but I was a bit stunned.
“What?” I automatically asked.
She sighed as she wiped her tears with a tissue, but it was almost like it made her cry harder. It was way different than the first time she’d told me she was pregnant with Annalise, and things were even a bit unsteady between us then as well. Guilt hit me when I realized how stressed out she must be if the idea of being pregnant again was affecting her so much.
She let out a shaky breath of air. “I’m six weeks along—”
In that split second, red lights in front of me lit up my soaked windshield. A car had just pulled into my lane and slammed on its brakes…”
17
Jude. Hey, man, wake up. Jude?”
Someone was shaking me, and because I was still consumed by shiny black pavement and rain on my face, I startled at the contact.
“Yo, man, you okay?” Wes asked, taking a step back as he held up his hands. “It’s all right, you’re at home.”
I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. I’d been having another nightmare, and it wasn’t the first time Wes had come into my room to wake me out of one. I could tell it was the middle of the night because my room was dark except for the lamp he’d most likely turned on, and he was in just his underwear.
I swung my feet to the floor and just sat there for a minute.
“You need anything?” Wes asked before he left.
I shook my head, and after he disappeared, glanced at the clock for the time. 2:18 in the morning.
There was no way I’d be able to go back to sleep, so I used the bathroom and grabbed some aspirin for my headache. I always woke up with a headache after that nightmare. It was like I was supposed to live it all over again, down to the last detail.
I sat at my keyboard and put my headphones on. I didn’t really have the desire to compose, but I did run through a few of my newer songs with just the instrumentation. While I played robotically, I thought about the past twenty-four hours and how much had seemed to change. I’d kissed Ree, and not only did I enjoy it, but I wanted to do it again. I felt like she had something that was unique and not like anyone else, and most importantly, I felt like she understood me better than some of the people that had known me my whole life.
But I could also sense that she felt a little reserved around me lately, and I knew it had to do with acting on those passionate feelings between us. Knowing my life was gradually pulling away from the past was difficult, but it was a necessary change for me. I was not only ready for it but it was already in the works.
I picked up a photo I had taped to the edge of my computer monitor. Annalise was cuddling Luke’s dog when Thunder was just a puppy. It was one of the cutest pictures ever, and Anna’s face especially as she squealed with delight. She was two in that shot, and we’d debated on getting our own puppy throughout the next year. Every time Lily and I agreed it was time, there seemed to be something that got in the way.
Thinking back, I knew it was my fault. I wanted my little girl to have a puppy but it would have been Lily that would have had to take sole responsibility for it while I toured. It wasn’t just tour schedules, though. I had other commitments lined up like talk shows and meetings with producers…there always seemed to be something for me to do.
“I can’t do it anymore,” I said out loud to myself, taking off my headphones.
I just didn’t want to get into something that would end up haunting me. I lost my wife and child when I should have pulled over and held them both, assuring Lily that they came first and no one else. Yeah, I’d told her that night that I’d cancel the tour, but I knew deep down that I wouldn’t have. It just wouldn’t have been right of me professionally to do that, not when it wasn’t a dire emergency. Our daughter was three years old. It wasn’t like I’d spent her entire life away. I knew I had plenty of time with her and it was just a matter of slimming down my other commitments bit by
bit.
I thought I had plenty of time…
I never expected the bomb Lily dropped on me that night, just before the accident. I don’t know what I could have done differently—witnesses said that guy pulled in to my lane without warning and he hit the car in front of him—but had I just pulled over that night like I knew I should have… If I’d just taken a different route like I felt I should…
We only wanted to get home after a long night, and there was no changing that fact now. I didn’t know what more I needed to atone for, but I was so tired of feeling guilty about all of it.
I’m pretty sure I was spending more time rehearsing at The Urchin than I did at home. It was becoming more routine for me each time I did it, and plus, I got to see Ree almost every day. Most of the time we did our own separate thing while we worked, but once in a while I’d drag her over to the piano to get her thoughts on something.
Or just to kiss her. That was happening more often, and because it did, getting caught was bound to happen. The first time was about a week after our first kiss, when I’d just stepped through the back door of The Urchin. I almost ran right smack into Ree as she carried some freshly laundered towels out to the bar, but I grabbed her and kissed the hell out of her until she ended up dropping the dishtowels on the floor so she could wrap her arms around me.
There was no loud throat clearing, or even a bit of surprise from Blake… he just walked right past us.
I looked at Ree and asked, “There isn’t a ‘no fraternizing with your co-workers’ rule here, is there?”
She smiled and wiped a bit of her lip gloss off my mouth with her thumb. “No. And I surely hope you don’t see me as just a co-worker.”
I knew she was messing with me but I shrugged. “Well, I mean…kissing up to the boss’s daughter… It has its perks. He likes me, you know. Maybe I can get you a raise.”
