by Hadley Quinn
It was a Friday night when a bit of my life hit another reality checkpoint. I was in the private lounge, preparing for a performance that night. Wes would be playing with me again, and as a special addition, my drummer from my band was dropping in for the weekend. I hadn’t seen Ryan for a couple of years, not since my father’s funeral, but it was good to see him again. I’d originally wanted to ask him to tour with me, but that was now a no-go because of the changes in my life.
Ivory had come into the lounge for a few minutes to see me, like she always did. She wasn’t working that night and was looking forward to just relaxing in the back with her family and Ryan’s wife, Jennifer. The two of them already got along great, and as they were laughing about some movie they’d recently watched, Ivory went into drink-pouring mode. She handed a shot of tequila to Jen, and then poured one for herself.
“Oh, hey, hey,” I said, jumping up from the couch. I took the shot glass out of Ree’s hand and set it on the counter. “Let’s not forget about the contents in the oven, eh?”
She stared at me with that “what the fuck” look on her face. “Excuse me?”
“Ahem,” I cleared my throat. “Do you really need a shot of tequila right now, Ivory?”
Again she gave me a questioning look. “Do you need a shot of tequila, Jude?” she scoffed with a laugh. She poured a third and handed it to me as she picked up her own. “Cheers.”
“Um, no,” I said, putting my hand over her shot glass before it reached her lips. “Ivory, seriously, why are you drinking?”
Her mouth hung open, but then she set the glass down on the counter rather roughly. I could see a physical change in her eyes and they became a bit stormy. “Is that why you asked me to marry you?” she quietly asked. “Because you think I’m pregnant?”
Her choice of words slapped me in the face. Not only because she was doubting my intentions, but because she was basically saying she wasn’t pregnant.
“Jude? Answer me.”
I glanced back at Wes, even though my heart had dropped into my gut. He was ushering people out the door to give us privacy, but he caught my steely gaze.
Holding up his hands he said, “Don’t blame me.”
And then they all left.
Ree’s hand gripped my shoulder so I was facing her again. “Tell me what is going on. Did you think I was pregnant?”
I took a deep breath, but only to curb my disappointment. It didn’t help. I was completely distraught right now from her news.
I’d honestly been looking forward to that in my life, and now it wasn’t happening.
28
So you’re not?” I asked as I carefully found a stool to sit on. I felt a bit lightheaded. Who knew disappointment could do that to a person?
“I’m not pregnant, Jude. Why would you think that?”
“Because you were acting weird for a while. I kept asking myself how I’d missed the signs but I guess there really weren’t any.”
“Weird how?” she asked, pulling up a stool to sit in front of me.
“I don’t know just…kind of moody and…sensitive, maybe. What was I reading into, then?”
She scoffed with amusement. “I don’t know, general hormones? And I haven’t been moody, have I?”
“Hell if I know at this point. Maybe I was the one acting sensitive. I’d been worried about touring again and wanted you to be okay with it.”
She tilted her head with concern. “Jude, I support you one hundred percent. You can’t…” She paused with a sigh. “You can’t compare me to her, okay? Baby, I say what I mean and mean what I say. I won’t ever tell you one thing but feel another. That’s not how this works,” she waved a hand between us. She paused again and shook her head. “Is that why you held off on the tour?”
There was no way I would lie to her; I just didn’t want to make her feel bad. But I honestly answered, “Yes. I wanted to be there for you. I support you one hundred percent, too.”
She gave me an “aww that’s so sweet” kind of face but asked, “Seriously, I’ve been so moody that you thought I was pregnant?”
I bobbed my head from side to side with indecision. “Wes saw you with prenatal vitamins so…maybe I attributed any and all things to the possibility you were pregnant.”
She raised an eyebrow and answered, “The vitamins were for a friend of mine. Donna? She’s been pretty sick with this pregnancy so I grabbed her some things from the store when I went. I dropped our stuff off at home, and then hers off at her apartment before I went to work.” She paused and added, “And I would tell you if I was, Jude.”
“I thought maybe you were waiting for the right moment to tell me, so I didn’t want to spoil your surprise.”
She looked down at her lap, and it took me a while to realize she was staring at the ring on her finger. I knew how bad this looked, so I was trying to find the perfect thing to say.
“The only reason that ring is on your finger is because I’m completely in love with you, Ivory,” I told her, taking her hands in mine, waiting until she looked at me. “Remember when you came back from the hospital and I made you stay in bed for three more days? And remember how I made Missy stay there that one day to look after you because I had work to do?”
She nodded her head, most likely recalling that I’d gone to The Urchin for the day.
“I was on the hunt for this,” I said, holding her left hand with my thumb wiggling her ring. “I did go to the bar afterwards to get some rehearsal time in, but only after I found the perfect ring for you.”
She slid off the stool and stood between my legs, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I would never think you’d ask me to marry you if you didn’t mean it, you just caught me off guard. And call me crazy, but I recognize every little thing you do for me and I feel every ounce of love you have for me. I hope that I give you the same in return, but damn it, Jude Collins…you are tough to compete with.”
Smiling, I answered, “Damn, I was gonna say the same thing about you. But putting you first is a privilege, Ivory. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“Hmm, well about that, then,” she narrowed her eyes at me. “Let’s talk about this tour because I think you should do it.”
“The only way I’m doing the tour is if we’re already married. Bottom line.”
“You’re blackmailing me?”
“You already said yes.”
“I can always change my mind.”
I frowned at her and she laughed. “I’m being serious, though,” I told her.
“Well…the first tour date is September, right?” She waited for me to nod. “That only leaves you a couple of months, piano man.”
“I already have a date picked out.”
She raised her eyebrows at me. “Oh? And will I be fortunate enough to know this date?”
I stood from the stool and leaned down to kiss her. “It would be a year exactly from the day we met, so when you can tell me what day that is—”
“August 15th,” she blurted out. Then she bit her lip with a coy smile and shrugged. “Oh come on, you didn’t think I would know that?” she laughed, giving me a light shove.
“I suppose you would,” I kissed her again and held her for a minute. I felt better about the business aspect of my worries, and better about having a wedding date, but I was still having mixed feelings about the no-pregnancy issue. It was hard for me to talk myself through it, but I tried to push it aside and convince myself that there were other things meant for us right now.
“Okay, this guy needs to loosen up a bit before I sit at that piano.” I actually picked up the shot of tequila that was still sitting on the bar and handed Ree the other one.
She was giving me a frowny face and stated, “You were really disappointed, weren’t you.”
I clinked her shot, and because I downed mine, she did the same. After the burn faded a few seconds later, I answered, “I was extremely disappointed. For the past week I’ve been a fucking pain in my own ass, giddy with excitement.
I kept waiting for you to share the news with me so I didn’t have to keep it secret anymore.”
“I’m so sorry, Jude. Trust me, I would like nothing more than that, too. But…at the right time. And we are extremely careful, so I don’t even think getting pregnant is possible,” she lightly added.
I studied her for a few seconds, but finally admitted, “I wasn’t even sure you’d say yes to marrying me.”
Her mouth hung open and she scoffed. “Are you kidding me? Obviously you don’t realize how much I love you because if you did—”
“Loving someone and marrying them aren’t always the same thing. One does not always come with the other, Ree. Not for everyone.”
“But we’ve even talked about having kids,” she added with disbelief. “I would never have kids with someone that I wasn’t married to—” She stopped abruptly, like she’d said something to offend me. “I mean, not purposely. I mean—”
“It’s okay, I know what you mean,” I smiled. “But that’s good to know, glad we’re on the same page.”
I knew that she’d understood my intentions when I married Lily, but that didn’t mean it was easy to think about. The truth about Lily would always haunt me, but I didn’t want to bring her up more than I needed to, especially while I still had my doubts about her. It wasn’t something I would ever be sure of, and it didn’t feel right to think ill of her if I was wrong.
“You are far away again,” Ivory whispered to me, taking my face in her hands. “I wish you would tell me, Jude.”
I blinked to gain focus. “Tell you what?”
“Whatever it is that’s troubling you right now. Please, I’m asking you to share your thoughts with me right now.”
I took a deep breath and exhaled as I stepped away from her. My suspicions about Lily had never gone away, which told me that my instincts had probably been right. But I was so set on seeing the good in people. And I especially had Annalise to look forward to and I wanted to have a happy family. It turned out to be more of a business arrangement, but I would never deny how much Anna had made me happy. I’d been willing to overlook everything else just for that reason alone.
I sat on the couch and motioned for Ree to join me. She tucked a knee under her and angled my way, and then waited patiently.
“Let me just say this first…” I began. “I hate accusing people of things; I hate thinking someone’s intentions aren’t good. I like giving the benefit of the doubt.”
“I know this about you,” she nodded in agreement. “But I can also tell that you’ve experienced things that make you stop and question yourself sometimes because of that very reason.”
She was keen, and that was one of many reasons why I loved her. With a sigh, I continued. “I’ll just say this… I was very careful with Lily back then. I mean safe. She was on the pill, but I always took extra precautions myself. I was responsible. There was only one or two times that we relied on just her method…which I don’t believe she was very honest about.”
Ivory stared at me for several seconds until her head started shaking back and forth in disbelief. “Wow. She lied to you?”
“I’m not one hundred percent sure, but it has always felt that way.”
“What does your gut say?”
I paused. “That she deceived me.”
Ivory let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t know what to say.”
Shrugging, I answered, “There’s nothing to say. That’s why when I thought you were pregnant…”
“We’ve been extremely careful,” she nodded.
“And Lily’s excuse was that she’d been sick, and that maybe it threw her body off…”
“And I was in the hospital back in March,” she concluded. “Jude, my God, I’m so sorry if you thought—”
“I didn’t think anything,” I shook my head. “Honestly, Ree, if you really were pregnant, I wouldn’t have questioned it. I never got that feeling. Ever.”
“But you did with Lily?”
All I did was nod.
She bit her lip as she glanced away for a few seconds. “Did you marry her even having that doubt?”
What could I say? It was a difficult time for me, and because I couldn’t be sure about what she’d told me, I gave Lily the benefit of the doubt. “I can’t say she was a bad person.”
“I would never say that, Jude. Never. You know where I’ve come from.”
I didn’t like hearing her put herself in that kind of category, we all have our demons, but I understood what she meant. Ivory always refrained from judging people. It was something else I loved about her. She was honest, but she held good intentions. Always.
“Well,” I shrugged. “We know everyone makes mistakes, but had she come to me about it, I’m not sure what I would have done. I didn’t have to make that decision. We chose to make the best of the situation. She pulled through for me on so many occasions, and for the four years we were together, it was only the last six months that we struggled.”
I could tell Ree had a response, but she kept it to herself for some reason. But right now wasn’t the time to be considerate and I wanted to hear her honesty. When she tinkered with a kind acknowledgement, I smiled and shook my head.
“Give it to me straight, babe. There’s nothing you can say to me that would upset me, Ree. Well, I mean, if you refused to marry me…”
She laughed, but when the humor passed, she looked at me and said, “For Lily, maybe the excitement and newness of being with you—Jude Collins, whom she’d landed through her wiles—had worn off. Maybe she really did love you.”
I couldn’t agree with that at the moment. I guess the possibility of being deceived had calloused my sympathies. But it did zero good to dwell on it now.
I took Ivory’s hands in mine and said, “Can we move on from her? I think you see how my relationship with Lily was, and other than her being the mother of my little girl and me respecting her as that, I’d rather not bring attention to it more. I’m sure I was a stupid ass back then, that’s probably the bottom line, but I’d just like to move on.”
She slid closer to me on the couch and gave me a huge hug. “Our pasts are always there, and I would never resent anything about your life—it was your life, and you went through what you were meant to learn from—but everything from now on is us, Jude. Even your feelings, whether they be because of something now or then, those matter to me. Okay?” She kissed me on the cheek and added, “I love you.”
“I love you, too. Thank you for not being a crazy jealous bitch.”
She laughed out loud. “Oh, ‘crazy’ and ‘bitch’ might come into play now and then, but I trust you, Jude. I know you would never make me feel like I didn’t come first.”
Her words made me think of Lily’s concerns that night in the car. I sighed to myself, wondering when I would stop comparing the two situations. Mistakes were a given, but I didn’t want to fuck up with Ivory over something I should have already learned.
She kissed me again and said, “I’m going to let you have some time to yourself so you can get into your routine, okay?”
I stood, hugged her goodbye, and told her one more time that I loved her. I was ten times the man I was because of her, and looked forward to the show that night with a stronger resolve.
29
Blake’s idea to shut down The Urchin for the second week in August for “renovations” was brilliant. We really did have a few updates that needed taken care of, but it was the perfect cover to have a wedding.
Only our closest friends and family attended, which made me a very happy man. Call me pathetic, but this guy who could perform an arena concert in front of thousands of people was kind of shy when it came to something so personal with Ivory. If I could have married her in private, without anyone watching how nervous I was, then I might have.
Just seeing her that day took my breath away. Not once did I ever have a single doubt about spending the rest of my life with her, but there was something weighing on my mind and that was my past. I knew li
fe could change in the blink of an eye, and even though I felt the timing with Ree had worked out perfectly, life still made me anxious. Just the thought of ever losing her made me physically hurt sometimes. Like the days she was in the hospital, for example. I would never forget that feeling, and it was pretty much the driving force that made sure I told her every day how in love with her I was.
The moment I kissed her as my wife was the moment I promised myself I would never do anything in my life unless it made Ivory happy. And even though I was kissing her in front of our friends and family, I felt like no one else was in the room. It felt like the first time I had kissed her in front of the barn—significant, soul rousing, and a poignant kind of kiss—and I wanted to have that feeling forever.
We left the reception early because I couldn’t wait to get her in bed with me. It would be the first time without any sort of protection since we were set on getting pregnant as soon as possible. I can’t even begin to describe those moments of pure and simple passion between us, not only making love to the woman who held my heart, but with the hopes that we could add to our family too.
There is nothing more beautiful than love unbridled.
We spent a week in St. Croix for our honeymoon. Seven days of seeing Ivory in a bikini. Okay, okay, I’m being shallow, but hell, what guy wouldn’t be excited for that? It was a good thing we were on a private beach because I might not have let her go out in public. It was bad enough that paparazzi photos popped up all over a few days later, but at least it was just of us in town or at a restaurant.
Coming back home to Chicago was bittersweet. It was sure nice to be back in our own place, but we missed the beautiful beach and climate. I made a promise to Ree that we would always have time away together like that, and it wasn’t a surprise that she was content with just locking ourselves away at home if we ever needed a vacation. She didn’t require fancy, but I sure as hell didn’t mind spoiling her.
