by Hadley Quinn
He was eyeing Missy getting all geared up, and I have to admit, the look in her eyes was daunting. The girl was seriously ready to shoot our asses up on the battlefield.
She propped her gun up on her shoulder and lifted a cocky chin. “Let’s knock on death’s door, you pussies.”
I watched her walk away with all the confidence in the world. “How is it she got all the testosterone in the womb?” I asked Wes.
He put his safety goggles in place and told me to fuck off.
As I watched bodies assemble into their teams, Ivory slipped her arm through mine and laid her head against me. “Sigh. The game that brings out the best in everyone.”
I laughed at her humor. She’d arranged this day of paintball not only for something fun, but to bring all of our friends and family together. Luke, Hayes, Ben and Blake were here, along with Ryan and Jennifer and my guitarist, John; my publicist Scott was in Chicago for the weekend and so was Aaron. Our last show had been in New Orleans two nights ago and Ree had planned this as an after-tour celebration back home. Even two-dozen employees from The Urchin were here with us, which made it quite a big gathering.
“Okay, listen up you pasties,” a booming voice called.
This guy that the Millers knew, Ike Tomlinson, was hilarious. He was a former military guy, but along with his drill sergeant attitude, he was a damn comedian.
“Eyes up here, Collins!” he yelled at me. “Just because you’re a fucking celebrity doesn’t mean I won’t make an example out of your ass!” He motioned to my team on the left. “The Piano Pussies have the north field,” he indicated our home base behind us. He pointed to Wes and John next. “The String Sluts will start from the east. And our Butt Bangers,” he acknowledged Ryan’s team, “will hit the south. Pun intended. Alrighty then, any questions? Too fucking bad, I already went through it all before!”
He marched to the tree he’d be perched in to officiate the game and started to climb. Missy was on Ryan’s team and she cocked her chin at me again. She was competitive as hell and I was starting to feel a bit of the heat like Wes.
“Don’t worry, baby,” Ree whispered in my ear. “I’ll look out for you.”
She gave me a kiss, but even she had a cocky air to her. I knew this was a much-needed outlet for her, though. We’d been married for over three months now, and each time she came out of the bathroom with that look on her face, I knew it was one more month of disappointment that she wasn’t pregnant. I’d never expected instantaneous results, but maybe I had. Three different letdowns already seemed to be three too many.
“You have thirty seconds to get your shit together!” Ike yelled from the tree.
My team huddled up. I let my wife be in charge of our strategy since she’d done this more than I had. It’d been part of her therapy two years ago, so I was glad she was on my team. Truthfully, I wouldn’t have wanted her as an opponent. Obviously because I’d have a hard time nailing her with a paintball; also because I knew she was a good shot and would take me out first.
The horn blasted for us to begin. Our first mission was Capture the Flag, and even though I wasn’t expecting too much from my team, I have to admit we were pretty badass. Ivory was seriously a good leader, and damn…she was sexy too. I’m not ashamed to admit that I got hit five minutes into the game because I couldn’t stop staring at her.
Lame, but whatever. The distraction was worth it.
Ryan’s team took that win, but we killed big time at Presidents, pretty much assassinating everyone on the other teams, including their leaders. Last Man Standing was almost a given with Luke ruling the field, but even with him on Wes’s team, the String Sluts pretty much suffered the most casualties every game.
I was sore as fuck by the time we got home that night. Not only did I have huge bruising welts on my thigh and the back of my shoulder, but my body was just screaming all over. I was glad Ree didn’t suffer from the same thing until she kept making fun of me. And she was horny as hell, so I had a brilliant time playing hard to get for the rest of the night.
“But I’m ovulating.” She gave me a really pathetic frown that almost made me feel sympathetic.
“And what does that mean?”
She rolled her eyes at me and I smiled facetiously.
Good God, I knew everything there was to know about the female body by now. After the first month of not getting pregnant, and then the second month, and then the third… She was in tears for three days of each month. I obviously couldn’t make her feel any better—“it will happen when the time is right” is not something that makes a woman feel any better. It was frustrating, plain and simple, but I didn’t know what else to do for her.
Missy had suggested she relax more and not stress out about it; just enjoy the childfree life for a bit. It was easier said than done, but I did make sure Ivory had plenty of that. She took to yoga and meditation and spent more time reading, but it was also a given that we humped like rabbits.
And right then, as she climbed over the top of me where I was lying on the bed, her salacious smile indicated she was up for that very thing. So was I—literally—when she helped herself to my cock. She ran her tongue from base to tip, her eyes on me the entire time. Sore or not, my body was obviously in the mood for her, but I took advantage of the fact that she was willing to pamper me right now.
Round three for the day was about to get started.
31
It was no secret I was tough to get a hold of if you weren’t one of my “in” people. Word got to me a month later that Lily’s mom, Linda Dwyer, had been trying to get in touch with me for a while. Her number was one that I used to have, but I dropped those digits from my personal cell phone three years ago—after she still blamed me for killing her daughter and only grandchild because of reckless driving.
You can be sure as hell I didn’t need that kind of negativity in my life. I already hated myself enough for what happened.
However, she’d finally made a visit to Luke’s security firm and left him a message for me. I guess with all the hype from the shows I’d been doing, and the gossip to go with them, Linda was probably reading more smut about my life than I ever cared to be informed of. Her handwritten note to me simply read: We really need to talk if you can find the time, Linda Dwyer
Being that she had to put her last name on it goes to show how close we were not.
I reluctantly told Luke to set up the meeting at Stein Security. She was waiting in a small conference room when I arrived, sitting at the end of the table on the far side. She stared at me for quite a while until I sat down, and when Luke stood off to the side, she cast a quick glance his way.
“I don’t mind him here, but I think you may want some privacy for this meeting,” Linda told me softly. “This is about some very…personal issues.”
She seemed pretty uneasy. I wasn’t sure if it had to do with not seeing me for a few years or that we both had people that we missed between us, but she was obviously uncomfortable.
Luke was only there for my convenience, so I nodded that he could leave. I knew he’d be right outside the door, but I didn’t feel Linda Dwyer was any sort of physical threat to me. She’d been searched and her personal effects had been confiscated for the time being. I was assuming she just wanted to talk to me about the tabloids that were running stories about her daughter.
“I don’t have anything to do with the rumors about Lily,” I told her flat out. “If you’re here to brand me as a callous human being who—”
“That’s not why I’m here,” she sighed, shaking her head. “Look, Jude… I know I’ve said some pretty awful things to you—”
“Try heartless,” I cut in. “Cruel. Nasty. Malicious. Hateful. Things that I didn’t deserve.”
“I know,” she methodically rubbed her cheeks with her fingers.
She looked like her daughter when she did that, and a little bit of reality leveled my resentment a bit. This woman was my little girl’s grandma, and even though Annalise hadn’t seen
Linda that much, she had still loved her. But after the accident, and the funeral, and the awkward conversations… Linda had the nerve to point a finger at me for what happened. Something like that was hard to forget. Those feelings of doubt you have about yourself anyway are bad enough, and then all it takes is for one person to say the words out loud… This is your fault.
“I’m sorry, Jude.” Her sniffle made me realize she’d been crying. “I’m very sorry for saying something so careless to you. I was hurting, and I took it out on you. She loved you, Jude. So much that she just wasn’t the same anymore. She lost a part of herself.”
I didn’t quite know how to take that, so I waited for clarification.
Linda took a deep breath and slowly let it out. She was staring out the window now. I could tell she was having a hard time looking me in the eye. “I’m here because I want to thank you,” she finally said.
Surprised, I raised my eyebrows. After accusing me of reckless driving—even though the police reports clearly stated otherwise—she now wanted to thank me? She still wasn’t looking at me, so I remained silent.
“There is no easy way to say this, Jude. I know you two met through work, you took things slow, and you were a perfect gentleman with Lily.” She finally made eye contact with me. “She informed me of that repeatedly.”
I shook my head slowly, indicating that I wasn’t following.
“She was obsessed with you,” she added. “So much that she would fret she wasn’t good enough for you and was constantly worrying that your interest in her would fade. That is natural in new relationships,” Linda nodded, seeming to convince herself as she glanced away again. “But Lily didn’t want that to happen with you. She knew she had something worth keeping and she made sure it happened.”
My eyes were focused on Linda until she finally looked at me again. She didn’t really need to say it at this point, but it was better that she did just to get it out there.
“I’m sorry, Jude,” she whispered, wiping at another set of tears. “I don’t know why my daughter felt she needed to behave in such a way. Thank you for keeping your private life so private, though. Thank you for not letting any of that get out. I know Lily wasn’t perfect, but she loved life, she loved you, and she loved that little girl of yours. She worked her way into a scene she thought she wanted… but she was wrong. It was hard on her—the judgments and critique by media and fans—but she had no one to blame but herself.”
To be perfectly clear we were on the same page, I asked, “You’re talking about her purposely getting pregnant, right?”
She eyed me for a few seconds, seeming surprised or just surprised by my bluntness. Swallowing she replied, “I wasn’t exactly sure if you knew.”
“Well I wasn’t one hundred percent certain, but a few things add up,” I answered evenly.
Just knowing that her mom was aware of it truly pissed me off. Not only that, but I felt like a fucking idiot. Again, I would never question my daughter’s role in my life. She gave me more than I could have ever asked for, even with the shady aspects of it. But being manipulated by someone you wanted to trust was a bit hard to digest. I’d always said something like that would never happen to me. Seeing it happen to so many people I knew had kept me on my toes. Why I chose to finally trust one person only for it to backfire on me, I’ll never understand.
“I’m sorry, Jude.”
“It doesn’t help much,” I shrugged. “I put my faith in your daughter and got fucked over. It happens, and I’ll never regret getting Anna out of it, but as for everything else…that was never meant to be.”
Linda paused briefly as she considered my words, and then nodded. “I feel you’re right. Lily forced something that she shouldn’t have forced.” She paused again. “And…I don’t know how the news of her unfaithfulness got out, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be secret any longer. She wanted to tell you. The night before she died, she told me she was going to tell you…”
I’m not sure how long I sat there in silence. Like always, thoughts of that night came flooding in on their own. I couldn’t control it sometimes. Lily had cried so hard that night, and even though Annalise was sound asleep and adorably angelic, it was her bloody, mangled body that my memory chose to recall more often. I had to force myself to remember the last sweet moments of her life before that, but I was pissed as hell that it had to be such an effort. It was the routine I went through every time. First the flashes of red, the rain on the pavement, the smells, the sound of myself wracked with sobs… Then I compelled myself to backtrack, to remember Anna sleeping peacefully, her little arms clung to me tightly as I carried her to the car from the party, her wet kisses on my face when she woke up that morning, her tiny little voice telling me how much she loved me, her laugh, her vibrant eyes, just the name ‘Daddy’ chirping from her lips…
“Jude?” Linda’s voice interrupted my metaphoric “counting to ten.” Ten happy memories; ten positive things that took me away from the accident and into happier territory.
Finally I swallowed and shook my head. “I don’t know what to say to you. You’re admitting to knowing that Lily cheated on me? Did she admit this to you too?”
“Yes,” she answered right away. “She was upset. Knowing how much the media took an interest in you, she was afraid it would get out.”
I shrugged, not at all feeling sympathetic. “Well, it did. Unfortunately she’s not here to take the backlash for it.”
The room went silent for about ten seconds. I didn’t really mean to be so cold, but certain insights were going to do that to me. She was opening old wounds that I just wanted to remain closed for good.
“If she was so set on ‘keeping me,’ why would she do something like that?” I asked. “I gave her everything I could, Linda. She was never without. I made sure she had everything she needed.”
“Except your love.”
Those words were like a heavy boulder tied to my heart, yanking it down instantly. And my guilt returned because I knew it was true. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t make it happen. And all of my music was laced with that guilt as well, which was why I struggled with it so much. The confusion of all those emotions that I was just starting to understand…
“She didn’t have your love, Jude,” Linda added in a whisper. “That was pretty hard for her to take.”
“Well she should have thought of that before she tricked me into marrying her.”
Linda looked down at the table where her hands were folded together. She paused for several seconds before standing. “Her father taught her to look at everything in life like a business transaction; to make sure to always have the upper hand, a plan. I guess you can blame him for that. As much as Lily hated the corporate scene, she thrived in it pretty well, just like her dad. I’m sorry you were deceived, Jude. But she did love you. I know that much.”
“Loved the idea of me,” I couldn’t help but retort. “She loved the idea of me, Linda.” I hadn’t stood yet. I remained where I was as she walked around me for the door.
“You’re wrong, Jude. She was in love with you. Why else would she be willing to risk everything to tell you the truth?”
I could tell she was to the door when I heard her hand turn the knob. “So you knew she was pregnant again,” I stated rather than asked.
Another bout of silence ensued until I heard Linda sigh. “Yes, and that’s why she was about to risk everything. Just know that she loved you. I know she made mistakes, but she loved you. I wish you luck with your new life, and thank you for taking the time to meet with me. I needed this. To apologize in person. I wish you the best, Jude. Take care.”
The door opened and closed. I sat at the table, alone with my thoughts. My feelings were mixed, but in a way, I felt like I got Lily’s apologies through her mom just now. Maybe it was as much for me as it was for Linda because it seemed to give me some closure. I spent almost thirty minutes letting it all sink in until I felt ready to walk away from it once and for all. I was grateful for so
me enlightenment even though I was still upset, but I was feeling less and less affected by it as time went on. It was all I could ask for.
I figured while I was at it, I asked Luke to give me what he had on Gretta Sorenson, the psychic. He seemed amused that I finally gave in. I’d been in a pretty shitty mood after the Chicago concert disarray and hadn’t wanted anything to do with the other bullshit. But Luke retrieved a file and handed it over, so I spread it out on the table as he sat across from me.
I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, but sort of was. As I skimmed through the evidence in front of me, I realized there had been a lot more to this situation than I’d originally thought.
When I whistled out a breath of air, Luke leaned forward on the table. “A lot of it makes sense now, huh?”
“You should have forced me to look at this stuff.”
“Nah, man, you were going through enough of the other shit. And she’s been handled. Sorry you have to deal with this garbage, though.”
I made a face, but what could I say? I studied the information for another minute—printouts, photos, tabloid articles with portions highlighted—and shook my head. “So she’s #StarHunter, huh? Wow, I’m a bit shocked.”
He only nodded while I continued to sift through the papers. There were photos that the police had taken at her home and business, photos of me tacked all over her walls from various moments in my life like getting out of cars, in and out at The Urchin, and the grocery store—even the day I’d run into her, which most definitely was not a coincidence. She had these photos—photos she’d taken herself—posted all over her home. Some of them had even been used in tabloids, to which I now understood she was this #StarHunter person that had been around for the past few years “contributing” to these so-called magazines. There had been some pretty crazy things that came from this person over the years, and at one point, Aaron had requested an investigation to find out if I had a legitimate stalker.
Nothing had come from it then, but I now knew it was really Gretta Sorenson.
