by Linda Huber
The little girl was one big beam as they walked down the corridor.
‘I think I’ll be a nurse when I grow up,’ she said, opening the door and looking over to where her grandfather was snoring in his bed. ‘What’s ‘scope’, Mummy?’
‘Um... possibility,’ said Alicia, pulling chairs over to the bed.
And twenty minutes later she was heading back along the corridor, leaving Jenny helping with a tea trolley. The two of them had spent visiting time making plans for the rest of the week – Indiana Jones, Merton swimming pool and raspberry jam-making had figured strongly in the conversation – and her father had slept soundly all the while. None of the other old people seemed to have early-evening visitors, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea, coming in when the patients were tired and the nurses were busy organising the ward for the night.
Derek had joined her for the last few minutes. ‘Don’t beat yourself up,’ he said in a low voice, looking at her face as she rose to go. ‘It’s hard losing your parents no matter what the circumstances are, and in a way you’ve lost your father while he’s still alive.’
Alicia floundered. What should she tell him? Would Frank say anything about her father’s treatment of her? No, that would come under patient confidentiality. But then she wasn’t Frank’s patient.
‘We had a very up and down relationship,’ she said at last, and he wrinkled his nose.
‘Tell me about it. I had one of those with both my parents. Like a lot of people. Bob’s fine here, Alicia. You’ve done the best thing.’
He was right, she thought, running downstairs. In fact he always was about things like that, he seemed to be one of those people who did the right thing automatically. If it hadn’t been for the story about his ex-wife and the unsuitable relationships that followed, he would have seemed almost too good to be true. Alicia paused at the bottom of the stairs, aware that she was nervous about her meeting with Doug. At the door to his office she wiped damp palms on her trousers in case he shook hands. He was quite a touchy-feely kind of person, she had noticed that before. The kind who would give you a spontaneous hug if he thought you were looking down.
He didn’t exactly hug her, but he put a hand between her shoulder blades as he showed her to a sofa by the window. Alicia looked round, surprised. His room was really nice, quite unlike the usual kind of hospital office space. He even had a little sitting area by the window, with a two-seater sofa and a couple of armchairs grouped round a pine coffee table. The pale green walls and polished wooden floor contributed to the calm atmosphere, and with her back to the office furniture like this she could almost imagine she was visiting him at home.
He bent over her when she was seated, and the whiff of lemony aftershave made her breath catch. ‘Here we are. Home from home, as you see. Is Jenny alright upstairs?’
‘She’s having a ball, and you’re right, it’s easier to talk about my father without her around.’
Doug nodded. ‘And then you can tell her everything later on, in a way she’ll understand.’
Alicia relaxed into the depths of the sofa. This was comfy, she’d have to be careful, after all the broken nights she could fall asleep here quite easily. On the other hand, just looking at Doug was more than enough to increase her heart rate, so she wasn’t very likely to nod off. She grinned at him, and he went over to the coffee machine in the corner.
‘Coffee,’ he said firmly. ‘My machine here does a very good cappuccino. Or would you prefer espresso?’
‘Cappuccino please,’ she said, watching as he organised cups and saucers. He seemed quite at ease in the little domestic situation, and Alicia suddenly remembered how Paul hadn’t known one end of the coffee machine from the other.
Doug placed an aromatic cup before her. ‘Here we are. Help yourself to biscuits. Now, you said you had some questions?’
Alicia sipped her coffee and took a custard cream. ‘Nothing vital. Things like who organises haircuts, and the chiropodist. The village chiropodist is due to visit him next week.’
Doug stirred his coffee. ‘Right. Our own chiropodist sees the new residents automatically when they come to us, so you can cancel your own appointment. And the hairdresser comes every Wednesday.’
Alicia sighed with relief. By the sound of things she wouldn’t need to organise anything at all for her father any more. She really was free.
‘Great. I can see he’ll be well looked after here. Frank was right to want him in.’
He was smiling at her, and Alicia could feel her own smile widen, like two Cheshire cats...
‘We’ll do our very best to make sure Bob’s happy here,’ said Doug warmly. ‘You can depend on that. With us here to look after him, you’ll have more time free just to love him.’
Alicia felt her smile crack. Well. That was something she was going to have to put straight soon. But this wasn’t the time. Doug must have noticed something, because he leaned forward, his expression serious.
‘Have a shortbread finger,’ he said, taking one himself. ‘They’re shop ones, I’m afraid. I’m not a baker, though my wife did a lot when... while we were together.’
He was giving her a piece of his past, a piece of himself. Alicia accepted another biscuit and looked at him sympathetically. ‘I heard you lost your wife. I’m so sorry. It was a few years ago, wasn’t it?’
He stared down at his clasped hands. ‘Just over five years ago. We didn’t have a long time together, but it was a good time. It took me a while to realise that the love we had has actually turned into a part of me, and I can move on with my own life and still keep that love. And my work helps too, of course.’
She looked at him. She could identify with all of that. ‘Do you know, that’s what I often feel about my marriage. Paul and I had some really good times before it all went pear-shaped, and in a way they’re still with me. And that’s important for Jenny, too. But it must have been infinitely more dreadful for you, of course.’
He sat there, fiddling with a teaspoon, obviously struggling to find words that would make her understand.
‘It was terrible. And it takes a while to get over something like that, but - ’ He smiled at her. ‘ - time does heal all wounds, doesn’t it? Here we both are. Who knows what life’ll bring us?’
She looked at him soberly. ‘You’re very good at putting things into words. Most blokes aren’t. You’re lucky.’
And she was lucky too, she thought suddenly. She had a beautiful daughter, an aunt who loved her, and now the prospect of something more than that, with Doug. But maybe they had said all that needed to be said for now. She lifted her bag from the floor.
‘I should go and rescue the nurses, Jen’s probably talked them all to death by now. Thank you so much, Doug, for coffee and words of wisdom.’
He walked beside her to the door.
‘No problem. And now we’ve had coffee, how about dinner sometime? You haven’t told me the story of your life yet. When your aunt comes back we can make a date, can’t we?’
Alicia took a deep breath. A date. Dinner. Doug. And maybe one day soon, a real, proper relationship, with giving and taking and being a family and... what? A move back to Lower Banford? No. She was getting way ahead of herself here.
She smiled up at him. ‘I’ll look forward to that. Thanks, Doug.’
His face was inches from hers, and she could smell his aftershave again. Slowly, she reached out and touched his cheek, and felt his arms go round her as she pulled his face to hers. The kiss was strangely gentle and yet earth-shattering. Surely she had never felt quite like this.
It was Doug who broke away first.
‘I’m... not very good at this,’ he said, and she heard the emotion in his voice.
‘Oh you are, you know,’ she said, holding on to the front of his jacket. ‘But let’s just take our time.’
He kissed her forehead and let her go. ‘Yes. We can take all the time we need, can’t we?’
Alicia walked upstairs and pushed the ward doors open. Jenny and
Derek were at the far end of the corridor and by the looks of things, they were entertaining each other very nicely; slightly surprising when you considered that her daughter had been more than apprehensive at the thought of strangers just a week or two ago. But Jen’s face was one big beam now and so was Derek’s.
Chapter Thirteen
Tuesday, 18th July
Alicia
Jenny banging around downstairs woke Alicia well before seven on Tuesday morning. She groaned, and then remembered the previous evening and smiled to herself. One kiss and she felt like a different person. Warm. Alive. Not just a single mother with a problem parent. She felt ten years younger at least.
She lay there thinking about everything that had happened yesterday, with her father and Jenny, Conker and Frank, and Doug... and the way she had felt when they’d kissed. The friendship was giving every promise of deepening. It was exciting to say the least. At last, at last she would be one of a pair again.
It was nine o’clock before she arrived down in the kitchen, hair still damp from the shower. She’d had a terrific night’s sleep, no worry, no nightmares, just sleep, blessed sleep. Because of the kiss, or because her father was no longer waiting for her attention? A picture of him standing by his bed slid into her mind.
Go away, go away!
It was the child’s voice again, whispering through her head, throaty and tearful. Alicia winced. She was going to have to deal with whatever memories were coming to the surface. She should treat the child in her head as she would treat Jenny, or as she would have wanted to be treated herself. She should love this child, because maybe no-one else had.
The thought both comforted and horrified her. She was a mother, of course she could help this little voice trying to tell her about something bad. But where had her own mother been when little Alicia had been so afraid? Why hadn’t Mum come to her aid? Or had they both been victims?
Jenny came running in from the garden.
‘Mummy, there’s a yellow scooter at the back of the garden shed, can I try it? Was it yours?’
A yellow scooter. The wave of nausea this time was the strongest of all. Alicia clapped one hand over her mouth and grabbed the back of the nearest chair with the other, retching violently.
‘What is it? Are you sick?’ Jenny was looking up at her, apprehension on her small face. Alicia took a deep shaky breath as the nausea receded. ‘No, lovey, it’s alright. I just... choked. Yes, of course you can try the scooter. It was my birthday present when I was five, I think.’
The yellow scooter... she could remember it all quite clearly now, she’d been right here in the kitchen, standing pretty much where she was standing now, holding a doll, a Barbie doll... but surely she hadn’t been allowed a Barbie doll, Barbies had boobs and long legs and definitely belonged to the devil... yet there had been one, a present, yes, a birthday present from Sonja, that was it, she had unwrapped it and she’d been so pleased, such a feeling of delight, a Barbie, she had one too now... oh thank you, Sonja... And then Mum had taken her and Sonja out to the lane to play on the scooter, and when she came back inside the Barbie doll had gone and her father was waiting for her with a thick leather belt... and...
‘Mummy?’
Alicia made herself breathe calmly and reached out to ruffle the little girl’s hair.
‘Sorry, lovey. On you go and try out the scooter while I’m having breakfast and we’ll leave for Mr Taylor’s at ten on the dot,’ she said, and Jenny ran outside.
Alicia dropped down on the nearest chair and buried her head in both hands. Her father had beaten her with that belt. On and on, he had beaten her, up in his bedroom, the bad room. On her fifth birthday, because she’d been happy to have a Barbie doll. And Mum hadn’t helped her at all. It was the most vivid memory yet.
Five years old. There wouldn’t be many younger memories, she knew. Was this all, did she know everything now? Immediately she knew that she didn’t, there was something even bigger still locked away in her head with the child. Deep breaths, Alicia. Remember the mantra. You’re the adult, you’re in control, you survived.
Okay, it had happened and she had survived. This wasn’t the time to dwell on it, she could do that later with professional help. Sonja should be here tomorrow, she might remember the incident too. And Cathal, she must try to find him. The family had gone back to Bantry about a year before she’d left herself, so that might be the place to start. There couldn’t be many Cathal O’Brians around, even in Ireland. Alicia straightened up, squaring her shoulders. She would find an internet café later on and start the search, but right now she was damn well going to make sure that her own child had better memories of Lower Banford than she herself had. Pet shop here we come.
The four black kittens and their mother were in a pen in the front shop, and Jenny dropped to her knees beside it.
‘Hello kitties! Mr Taylor, what are their names and how old are they and are they girls or boys and... ’
‘Whoa, slow down,’ said Kenneth Taylor, crouching down beside the kittens’ enclosure while Alicia perched on a set of steps. ‘Now, these young fellas are three weeks and four days old, all boys except this one here. Mum’s name is Cindy but the kits won’t have names until they go to homes of their own.’
‘Have they got homes yet?’ asked Jenny, and Alicia looked apprehensively at Kenneth. His big face beamed at her.
‘Two definites and four maybes,’ he said, scooping up the smallest kitten and kissing its nose. Alicia smiled to herself. Thank goodness. A little friend for Moritz wasn’t really on her shopping list.
Jenny frowned. ‘But that’s six!’
Kenneth patted her shoulder, then snatched his hand away again. Alicia blinked. What was the man doing? Jenny had noticed nothing, however, she was still intent on matching kittens with prospective families.
Alicia struggled to make conversation with Kenneth while Jenny played with the kittens. It was hard going talking to the man, he was a bag of nerves when he wasn’t talking about animals, so she ended up gabbling away about Conker and Moritz until she couldn’t think of another thing to say about either of them. It was a relief when she could say truthfully that they had to go.
‘You can come back any time and play with them,’ Kenneth said to Jenny. ‘They like you because you’re gentle and quiet with them.’
‘Oh! Thank you!’ Jenny’s face shone with happiness.
Kenneth Taylor stood there wringing his hands when he was saying goodbye, his round face sweating and his eyes sliding away from Alicia’s. Why on earth was the man so nervous? Was she really so fearsome, or was there another reason? A sudden thought struck her and she giggled aloud as she unlocked the car. Maybe he fancied her... no, no, that couldn’t be. Dear Lord, no.
‘Right, Madam,’ she said to Jenny as they turned into the lane. ‘Fish fingers for lunch. Then after we’ve visited Grandpa we’ll pop along to Merton and get some jam-making equipment. Then back home to meet Margaret off the bus. Okay?’
There would be an internet café somewhere in Merton. And wouldn’t it be great if they happened to see Doug while they were ‘visiting Grandpa’?
The house phone rang while Alicia was rummaging in the freezer, and Jenny ran to answer it. To Alicia’s dismay it was Paul. She rushed through to the hallway where Jenny was standing, phone in hand and red of face.
‘I don’t know, Daddy, I don’t think so,’ she said, and Alicia snatched the phone, her hand closing the mouthpiece.
‘Thanks, Jen. I’ll speak to Daddy,’ she said, trying to sound calm. Damn Paul and his insensitivity. Jenny shouldn’t have to cope with all this as well, and she shouldn’t have to listen to her mother arguing with her father, either.
‘Take Conker up to the woods for half an hour before lunch,’ she said firmly, pushing the little girl towards the back door. ‘On you go.’
‘Well, Alicia, you took your time,’ said Paul, his voice hurtful and sarcastic in her ear. ‘I was just saying to Jenny I want her in Singapore for a h
oliday at least this year. But we don’t have to talk about this over the phone. I’m in York on business this week. I’ll come by about four this afternoon to talk to Jen about coming to visit her stepmum and me.’
The line went dead and Alicia found she was trembling. She walked through to the kitchen in an angry daze. How dare Paul command her to be at home at a certain time. And Singapore... What on earth was she going to do?
Just say no, she told herself. Or fob him off, say you’ll both visit Singapore next year sometime. And she should check on her legal position too. But be firm.
Drearily, she started cooking lunch. Jenny appeared at the back door as the church clock was striking the half hour, but to Alicia’s surprise the little girl didn’t ask about Paul’s phone call. Her face was flushed, and she ran to the sink to wash her hands without saying a word.
‘How was your palace? Bet you’re hungry after such a busy morning,’ said Alicia, dishing up fish fingers and frozen peas and setting the plates on the table.
‘Uh-huh.’ Jenny looked up at Alicia, her face suddenly radiant. ‘Mummy, there are lots more little blue flowers today, almost like fairy flowers. We played at Kings and Queens again.’
‘Did you now? Who was King, then, Conker?’
‘No, Oberon was King. And he brought chocolate biscuits but I only had one because I knew it was nearly lunchtime,’ said Jenny, fishing in the pocket of her shorts and producing a red and silver biscuit wrapper.
Alicia stared. Wasn’t this just a game? But if Oberon had provided biscuits he couldn’t be a figment of Jenny’s imagination.
‘And... um... who’s Oberon, exactly?’ she said, struggling to keep the rising panic out of her voice. Jenny would never speak to a stranger, would she? Or wasn’t Oberon a stranger?
‘He’s... ’ said Jenny, then clapped a hand over her mouth. ‘Oops, it’s a big secret. I nearly forgot.’
