by Linda Huber
He was someone she was attracted to, physically, but wasn’t on the same wavelength as, emotionally. That was it exactly. The physical intimacy would probably be effortless, but she had to be able to talk to her partner too, share her feelings and know that he would understand what she was saying.
Like Frank last night. He had talked about real, personal issues, he had reacted straightaway to what she said and how she sounded, in fact he always did. Why hadn’t she leapt at the chance to go out with him? Was she really superficial enough to favour an attractive man over a less good-looking one? Frank was a real, caring friend to her.
Did she care for him, she wondered suddenly. She did, she liked him a lot, he was part of her past, too, but they had never had the opportunity to have a proper personal conversation. They were either always talking about her father, or flashbacks and abuse, or else Jenny was there too.
And what about him? Did his caring extend to a wish for more than friendship? Was that why he’d been so awkward those couple of times? He was a shy man but he had asked her out, he had tried to build on their relationship, and she had put him off. What an idiot she was. It had taken a date with Doug to open her eyes to what she already had with Frank.
She leaned back on the sofa and closed her eyes. Frank was her friend, he had said that himself yesterday. They could go for a meal next week sometime and have a good talk. And with Frank she could be sure that they would talk.
But in less than an hour it would be Friday, and this time tomorrow Jenny would be fast asleep in bed upstairs, home safe and sound for the weekend. And it was high time she was in bed now too.
Chapter Sixteen
Friday, 21st July
Alicia
‘Have a caramel, Alicia dear,’ said Mrs Mullen, and Alicia accepted in amusement. Mrs Mullen must be single-handedly responsible for at least half of the tooth decay in Lower Banford. Nobody ever said no to a sweetie.
‘Take one for Jenny, too, she’ll be home today, won’t she?’
Alicia nodded, chewing. Who on earth had supplied that information? The sound of choking behind her made her turn to see Kenneth Taylor spluttering into a large old-fashioned handkerchief.
‘Excuse me,’ he said, stuffing the hanky into his pocket. ‘Frog in my throat. Would Jenny like to come and see the cats later on, Mrs Bryson?’
Alicia made herself reply pleasantly. ‘She won’t be home until late this evening,’ she said. ‘I’m sure she’ll want to come tomorrow, though.’
‘Super. I’m going to be stocktaking over the weekend, but just ring the bell. You and Jenny are always welcome.’
Alicia made her escape. Now to take Margaret to St. Joe’s for the afternoon, then she would have some time to herself.
Half an hour later she was exiting her father’s room having sat for the duty five minutes with him and Margaret. Three o’clock, and now at last she could allow herself to start counting the minutes until Jen came back – as if she hadn’t been doing that since Paul’s car had disappeared down the lane yesterday afternoon, but the wait was nearly over. A blessed hour to herself, then she’d pick up Margaret, and by the time they’d had dinner and cleared up, Jen would be heading back home again. A happy thought if ever there was one.
‘Heard from Jenny today?’ Derek was on the computer at the nurses’ station.
‘She phoned earlier,’ said Alicia. ‘Treats all the way, I gather.’
She tried to smile but her face must have told a different story because he left his work and walked towards the ward door with her.
‘She’ll be fine, don’t worry. I’m sure she’s looking forward to coming home and telling you all about her trip, and playing with her cat and dog in the woods too no doubt. She told us all about that the other day.’
Alicia grinned. The woods were one of the better things about this place. She even had her own happy memories of them.
‘She loves the woods. I’m glad she has such a good distraction so near to home, she’s within yelling distance all the time and God knows there isn’t much else for her to do in Lower Banford.’
Except of course to visit the pet shop and Mr Taylor. There would be a big discussion about that tomorrow, but Alicia knew she would be so happy to see Jen home again that she would sit in the pet shop for hours if that was what Jen wanted.
‘Say hi for me when she’s home,’ said Derek, opening the heavy double door for her. ‘I might not see you tomorrow, I’ve got masses of paperwork and at weekends I can hole up in one of the offices downstairs for that. Ensures some peace and quiet.’
‘I hope you get it, then. Bye.’
She ran downstairs, glad that Doug wasn’t around today. Yesterday she’d have been aching to see him, how quickly things changed. And where the hell was her car key?
She stopped on the ground floor and was rummaging in her bag – she couldn’t have dropped the wretched thing, could she? – when the lift door pinged open and Frank strode out, almost bumping into her.
‘Alicia! Hi, you okay?’
His face was one big grin at the sight of her and she smiled back. This was her friend Frank and she was bloody glad she had him.
‘Lost my car key,’ she said, giving up on the bag and patting her various pockets. ‘I went up with Margaret, and it’s vanished off the face of the earth... ’
She turned back to the lift, but it had disappeared upstairs. ‘I must have put it down somewhere. Usually I just chuck it into my bag, but it’s definitely not here.’
‘Maybe you left it in the ignition?’ he suggested, and she stared at him. The obvious answer, why hadn’t she thought of that?
‘Yes, of course. It was a pretty narrow space and I jumped out to stop Margaret opening her door too wide and bashing the car beside us. Heavens, my poor car could be halfway to Poland by this time.’
Frank laughed. ‘Middle Banford to Poland in one afternoon? I don’t think St. Joe’s visitors are the car-trafficking types, somehow.’ He opened the front door and gazed out over the car park. ‘Yes, look, it’s still there.’
He walked with her to the parking space. Alicia opened the driver’s door, reached in and emerged again, key in hand.
‘Excellent diagnosis, doctor!’ she said. And how obvious it now was that she and Frank could have fun together like this, laughing and being silly over nothing, like up in the woods the other day.
She grinned across the roof of the car. ‘Got time for a coffee? I bought some chocolate chip cookies this morning.’
For a split second his face froze and then lit up. ‘I’ve never refused a chocolate chip cookie in all my life and I’m not going to start now.’
Alicia laughed. ‘Great. See you at my place in ten.’ And maybe this time they’d be able to have a normal conversation for a change. She sighed to herself as she drove the short distance back home. There were no butterflies of anticipation fluttering round in her middle at the thought of coffee with Frank, but she definitely wanted him in her life, and probably it was too soon after the Doug disaster to think about yet another potential relationship. So yes... it was another potential relationship... maybe.
He arrived in the kitchen while she was organising mugs and biscuits. The cookies were still unopened and Alicia looked at them unhappily.
‘Biscuits last longer when Jen’s not around. God, I’ll be glad to have her back tonight.’
‘I bet,’ said Frank. ‘How’s she enjoying her break?’
‘She phoned at lunchtime. I’m going to have to prise that mobile away from her, she just loves having her own phone. She’s having a ball, it was Daddy this, that and the next thing. But she’s okay.’
‘She’ll be back soon,’ said Frank.
Alicia blinked back tears. She poured the coffee and sat down, sliding the biscuits across to Frank. ‘When I think of how much I love Jen, it makes it even more incomprehensible what my father did to me.’
‘Have you remembered anything else?’ said Frank.
Alicia was silent for
a moment. His voice had been apprehensive; did he really want to go into all this over coffee? She should make an appointment and see someone the usual way, this was abusing their friendship and she’d actually invited him here to talk more about him for a change. But he was leaning towards her, an encouraging expression on his face, so he must want to know, mustn’t he?
She sighed. ‘Sort of. I was awake in the night thinking about the two big fights I can remember when I was a teenager,’ she said, cradling her coffee mug in her hands. ‘The first one I would’ve been twelve, that was the Valentine’s card thing. I only remembered about it when I was back living here. But that time he didn’t hurt me. The second time was later. I was fourteen, I know that exactly, and it isn’t a new memory. I’ve never forgotten it, it was what made me decide to leave home as soon as I could.’
She looked across at him and smiled ruefully. ‘It was my own fault, I was really stupid.’
‘Alicia, abuse is never the victim’s fault,’ Frank said firmly, and she looked at him without speaking for a moment. She knew that of course, but knowing didn’t make her feel any different.
‘Yeah, well. I’d told them I was revising geography at Alison’s, but actually I’d gone to the cinema with Patrick Sinclair. They found out and when I got home, Mum was in the kitchen with the door shut and my father was waiting by the stairs. He pulled me up to my room and pinned me down on the floor and he cut my hair off. I was yelling but Mum didn’t come, though she must have known what he was going to do... ’
Frank was staring at her. ‘Alicia. That’s terrible. What do you mean exactly, he pinned you down?’
She rubbed her face with both hands. ‘He pushed me down on my front and then he sort of knelt down with one leg across my back. I couldn’t move, it was horrible, I was jerking about at first and then he nearly cut my ear off so I just had to stay still and let him get on with it. I had long hair, and he cut it off down to an inch of my scalp.’
She buried her face in her hands. For a moment Frank said nothing, she could hear him breathing hard, then he gripped her wrists so suddenly that she jumped.
‘Okay. Listen. One thing that strikes me about these memories and flashbacks is that none of them are sexual abuse. Your father was sadistic, yes, cruel, definitely, and his treatment of you was damaging, there’s no doubt about that. But sexual abuse is usually continued until the victim’s able to remove herself, or is rescued. None of the abuse you do remember is actually sexual, so you can probably discount it... but Alicia, you might never know for sure. The important thing is you survived.’
His voice trailed off, and Alicia sat back in the hard kitchen chair and looked at him. What he’d said sounded logical, it sounded right.
‘Okay. So, that might be something then. But when he was cutting my hair, he was enjoying hurting me, humiliating me. I could hear the pleasure in his voice.’ She jumped up and tore a piece of kitchen paper from the roll. ‘And I can feel there’s still something more, but I don’t know what it is, except I was much, much younger.’
‘Don’t think about it,’ said Frank quickly. ‘You’ll drive it underground if you do. He was a brute and a bully, Alicia. And you were a strong kid and you’re still strong, you’ll get through this. Leave it for now, we’ll see what Cathal can remember if Sonja finds him.’
‘Right,’ said Alicia. She stared at him for a moment. His face was pale, and there was a rigid set to his mouth that wasn’t usually there. Suddenly she felt, well not better, exactly, but definitely relieved. She had unburdened herself to a friend and he had reassured her. Painful, but not something she’d have to do often. Maybe just talking about it, accepting it like Frank had said, was enough. And now she should do something to lighten the load she had placed on his shoulders.
‘You know,’ she said, sitting down again and wrapping cold hands round her lukewarm mug, ‘I think I prefer our conversations when we’re talking about stolen cars or diets.’
He made a face at her. ‘So do I. I don’t like to think of you being so unhappy.’
She smiled determinedly. ‘Well, like you said, I survived, didn’t I? Like you did when Nell died.’
‘Sonja’s been telling you I was a real mess back then, hasn’t she?’ he said, and Alicia nodded. ‘Well, she was right. It was just so sudden, Alicia, she got up that day as usual and we did all the normal Saturday morning stuff and by dinnertime she was dead and I really don’t remember too much about the next few days. It was horrible. But it’s in the past. You don’t grieve forever, though you do remember, of course.’
Alicia reached out and squeezed his hand. ‘And because you remember, Nell’s still with you inside.’
He smiled, and she could see there were tears in his eyes. Sonja definitely had nothing to worry about.
‘Yup,’ he said. ‘Anyway, I’ll let you get on, you’ll have things to do before Jenny comes home.’
Alicia glanced at the clock and shot to her feet. ‘Look at the time, I was supposed to pick Margaret up ten minutes ago. Frank, thanks. You’re a star.’ She grabbed her car key and bag, and he followed her out to the driveway.
‘You’ll get through this,’ he said gently.
Alicia nodded. He was right. As usual. ‘I know I will. In the grand scheme of things it’s not important, is it? The important things are Jenny, and Margaret and her family – and my friends – like you. And none of you are going anywhere, are you?’
He stared again, then grinned without speaking, got into his car and turned the key in the ignition. Alicia watched as he turned into the lane.
She drove back to Middle Banford feeling charged. She was coping, she was a survivor. Okay, if she hadn’t come back to stay in her father’s house she might have lived the rest of her life in blissful ignorance about what had happened. But she would move on. And she would start the moving on by phoning Margaret when she arrived in St. Joe’s car park. No way was she going back into her father’s room today.
Very soon now Jenny would be home, and tomorrow she would phone Frank and ask him out to dinner and they would talk like normal people. Definitely. And she would enjoy every minute of it, wouldn’t she? Of course she would.
Chapter Seventeen
Saturday, 22nd July, morning
The Stranger
The strident ring of the alarm clock blared across his bedroom, but he was awake and dressed already. It was Saturday.
His day had come. This was his hour. He was completely focussed, in fact he had never felt so calm. Plan B. And thank goodness, the weather was being cooperative; exactly as forecast, warm July sunshine was splitting the skies. A positive omen if ever he’d seen one.
He looked at the letter in his hand and smiled. How happy little Helen would be when she saw it! The very beginning of Plan B was the part he had least control over, and that was little Helen going to the woods. But they had made their arrangements and it would be terrible luck if big Helen stopped her going for some reason. There was no reason why that should happen, was there?
The idea of leaving her a note had come to him the previous evening, and he’d written a very brief one as he was unsure how much she could read. He would place it under a pretty stone, on one of the white napkins he never used, in the very centre of the ring of trees. It was exactly where he planned to send her to Paradise tonight, but of course she had no idea of that. He knew just what to write to intrigue her. ‘Queen Titania, wait here until I come. I’ve got some baby kittens, and a big surprise for you! King Oberon.’
The bit about the kittens wasn’t true, of course, but again, she wouldn’t know that. Her sweet little face would light up like the sun when she saw a note from the fairy King himself. He chuckled as he strode towards his car.
How fitting it was that Plan B would begin in the very same place as it would end for little Helen. The Paradise trees.
Alicia
The whole house seemed brighter now that Jenny was back, fast asleep in her room with Conker on the floor by her bed. Alicia
took a sliced loaf from the freezer to make toast. Margaret was in the shower, so she would get breakfast ready. Breakfast for her daughter. Lovely.
Paul had been very punctual, she had to admit. He and Jenny had arrived well before Alicia’s nine o’clock deadline, and Jenny had hugged her father fondly before rushing inside to see Conker and Moritz.
‘Back safe and sound, and in good time too,’ he said, smiling sarcastically. ‘And we both had a blast, so there’s no reason not to repeat the experiment. I’ll be in touch.’
Alicia managed a return smile and a brief ‘thanks’, but she knew the expression in her eyes would be telling him a different story. However, for the moment everything was back to normal. And Jenny had certainly enjoyed the two days with Paul. They had spent their time in museums and shops, as the weather hadn’t been brilliant, and the little girl bubbled over talking about her experiences. Daddy had bought her two pink t-shirts and a Minnie Mouse watch, and the food had been wonderful too, they’d had pizza, and hamburgers, and fish and chips with a giant pickled onion.
Alicia opened a packet of bacon and glanced out over the garden. How peaceful it was here. Birdsong and fluffy white clouds, and with Jen back and her father away she could begin to enjoy herself. It was actually a really good feeling. She had achieved all she’d set out to do when she came here, and more. Her father was safe in a very good place, Margaret was realising that it was for the best, and Jenny was loving having a cat and a dog and had resumed contact with Paul, although that was a bit of a mixed blessing. And herself? Well, she wasn’t proud of the way her father had landed in St. Joe’s, but no harm had come of the episode. She had re-established contact with the Carters, and she had even been dating, even if that had turned out a bit complicated.
Most important of all she was coming to terms with what had happened to her as a child. Frank was right, she was going to get through this. She was a strong person and she had people here to help her.
