by Isla Gordon
‘Ah, August, I’m sorry. Is there somewhere nearer we could go?’
August fiddled with her phone for a moment, and all of a sudden Prince’s ‘1999’ burst into their atmosphere. She put the volume on full and used the last of her raspy voice to call loudly to Flynn, ‘We can go right here.’
Grabbing her beer with one hand, and Flynn’s shirt sleeve with the other, she pulled him up out of his chair and danced with him through his deserted office, her dress twinkling in the near dark as it reflected the bulb from his lamp.
Flynn was an awkward dancer next to August, his inhibitions a stark contrast against her abandon. And although he presumed she’d had a few drinks, and good for her if she had, it wasn’t like that was her catalyst. This – this dancing, sparkling, colourful, laughing, zany woman who could act off the cuff or think things through long and hard – this was August. And he liked her, oh, a lot more than he should.
‘Come on, we don’t have time for self-consciousness, we have ten minutes to fit a whole night out into, and I didn’t bring any extra beer, so you’re just going to have to get into it.’ August reached up and put her headband onto his head, smiling up at the result.
‘It’s okay for you, you’re an actress, you’re a lot more able to get into character than I am. My brain is still on data and evidence.’
She put a finger up to his lips and untucked his shirt from his trousers, her fingers grazing his stomach for a millisecond causing him to suck in his breath. ‘Excuse me,’ she purred over the music. ‘I know your secret now.’
‘You do?’ he stopped dancing, his eyes fixing into hers for a moment.
‘Yes,’ she grinned. ‘I know you’re an actor too. Channel that Grange Hill spirit I saw on screen.’
‘I don’t think I danced a lot on Grange Hill,’ he laughed, but he got what she was saying. ‘I think I’ve done way more acting and dancing around topics in the last six months, actually.’
‘You’re a pro, then,’ August clanked her beer bottle against his, and the music changed to Flo Rida’s ‘Club Can’t Handle Me’ from a few years back. August cheered. ‘What a perfect song for us right now! Hey, do you have any secret stashes of whisky in your desk drawer?’
‘No, this isn’t Suits. Oh, but do you know who might?’ Flynn took off across the floor, opening the door to his manager’s office. Sure enough, on a side cabinet was a bottle of port, a Secret Santa gift from someone, which Flynn knew he’d seen in Sainsbury’s so could replace it easily.
It was just like how it was when they first moved in together: easy, fun, seemingly uncomplicated. But back then it was their secret to keep from the world, and now he felt like it was him keeping something secret from her.
‘I’ve got ‘Auld Lang Syne’ all cued up ready to play when we hit the countdown,’ she told him, as he reappeared and poured big slugs of port into faded corporate retreat mugs from the staff kitchen.
He watched for a second as August danced about on her own, oblivious almost to the fact they weren’t in a crowded bar or a club or even a party. It didn’t seem to matter at all to her that she was spending New Year’s Eve in an empty office, with just him.
Chapter 66
Flynn
A little before one in the morning on what was now New Year’s Day, Flynn and August lay on their backs on a large table in one of the boardrooms, talking. He’d angled a projector away from the blank white wall and onto the ceiling, hooking his work laptop up to it and playing an ongoing YouTube video of fireworks. They burst into sparkling colours above the two of their heads, and they watched and admired with as much gusto as if they were on the riverbanks of London.
New Year’s Day. That meant Flynn had been in the UK for six months now. Six months away from Japan, from his family, and from Yui, who was on his mind tonight more than usual these days.
‘You work too hard,’ August said.
‘I know.’
‘And you don’t enjoy it.’
‘I know … ’
‘Was it ever like this at your job back in Japan?’
He thought about it for a moment. ‘My immediate thought is no; it definitely wasn’t this bad. But Yui may disagree with me about that. She always thought I worked too much.’
‘Did it bother you?’
‘No, she wasn’t being a nag, she was right. It’s just that now I look back and it feels like I had it easy,’ Flynn gave a small smile, and August glanced over in time to see his face illuminated by a bright blue firework reflecting off the ceiling. ‘It’s … ’ Flynn started a sentence he didn’t know whether to finish, but after a while, unprobed by August (who knew he would finish it at some point), he continued.
‘It’s possible I ruined tonight without meaning to.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean … I hadn’t really been looking forward to New Year’s Eve, so maybe I buggered it up on purpose, but I didn’t mean to drag you into it.’
August rolled her head to the side to really look at him now. ‘What’s wrong with New Year’s Eve?’
‘Last New Year’s Eve I proposed to Yui.’
August gasped and sat up. ‘You two were engaged?’
‘No. She turned me down.’
‘What?’
‘Yep. She said we’d not been together long enough, and also, I think she thought the celebratory atmosphere had taken over my soul or something because it wasn’t prepared, I didn’t have a ring or anything, but I had meant it. So it still stung.’
‘Was it downhill from there?’
‘No, I don’t think the proposal really changed the course of anything, it just certainly didn’t push us on an upwards trajectory, that’s for sure. New Year’s Eve just brings back memories that I didn’t want to think about, that’s all.’
August lay back down and found his hand in the dark, slipping her palm against his, and remaining quiet while he let his thoughts position themselves.
Flynn spoke again. ‘It’s been six months; I just wish I could move past things.’
‘Are you still in love with Yui?’ August asked, her voice delicate.
‘No,’ Flynn said, knowing he sounded both honest and defeated. ‘But I don’t seem to have been able to move on, for some reason. I keep comparing everything to her. Comparing my life now to how it was then.’
‘I’m no expert,’ August started, ‘But doesn’t the act of getting over someone have to relate back to that person?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, I don’t see how you could have spent the last six months blocking out all thoughts and feelings about Yui, refusing to think of her at all. That’s just not how the mind works, is it? And your feelings would probably have come back with a vengeance. So you take steps forward, and you meet new people, and you try new things, and you do it all with the thoughts of that person still with you. But those thoughts eventually begin to dilute, until one day they’re just part of you, and your history, but no longer the biggest part of you.’
Flynn put a hand on his forehead, squeezing August’s with his other. ‘You’re probably right. But right now I just can’t help but wonder if all of this was a mistake.’
‘A mistake?’
It pained him deeply to admit such a thing, especially to her while she, and happiness, felt within reach. But he couldn’t put all of his happiness on her shoulders. How would that be fair? He sighed, and took his time saying the next part. ‘Coming back to England.’
Chapter 67
August
August’s heart broke a little in that moment, for him but also for her. Was she part of his mistake?
‘All my family are in Japan now, I enjoyed my job a lot more, I had Yui and maybe it wouldn’t have worked out anyway but at least I’d know. And you and I, well … ’
August held her breath, waiting to hear his thoughts.
Flynn continued. ‘Sometimes I just wonder why I left.’
‘Because you wanted a change, and a new adventure. There’s
nothing wrong with following that,’ August said, trying to smother the desperation in her voice, because this wasn’t about her.
‘But where’s it got me? A job that takes up so much time I hardly see anything outside the office walls. A new girlfriend who ran a mile.’
August gulped. ‘Can’t you think of one good thing about being here?’
He looked towards her, meeting her eyes in the darkness. ‘You, of course. Of course meeting you and living with you has been incredible, and crazy, and hard work, and hilarious. Don’t doubt that. But we can’t deny that it’s caused a few problems.’
‘Do you feel bad about … you know … lying?’
‘About us, to everyone in the building?’
‘Yes.’
‘Yep,’ Flynn answered. ‘Do you feel like it’s been a lot harder than we thought it would be?’
‘Yes,’ August replied with a chuckle. ‘You?’
‘So much harder. And so much more fun as well, at times.’
‘We have had some good times,’ she smiled at him.
They lay in the dark, hands held, looking into each other’s eyes with faux-fireworks overhead – which felt pretty consistent with a lot of their relationship – and neither realised they were both thinking how easy it would be to kiss the other right now. Or maybe they did suspect it, but taking that action, when it wasn’t for an ‘audience’ or for ‘practice’ would change everything.
‘Why do we keep doing these romantic things?’ Flynn asked, holding his breath as soon as the words were out of his mouth.
‘I don’t know,’ August let out a tinkle of a laugh, though inside she had a million thoughts, she just didn’t know how to express them. Besides, it seemed clear to her that he had some real figuring out to do about a few things before she muddied his thoughts with her own confusion also. ‘Do you really feel like you made a mistake coming here?’ she asked him.
‘Honestly? Probably not. But I feel homesick, Aug, which kinda tells me England isn’t really my home anymore.’
August was losing him, this guy she’d become so fond of, had relied on so much, and had fallen in love with, in a way, even if the love she felt was just … friendship.
‘August?’ he said, interrupting her thoughts.
‘Mmm-hmm?’
‘I need to tell you something.
August was silent, staring at the ceiling and the fireworks, waiting for him to tell her what she’d already been suspecting.
‘I’m going to go back to Japan—’
‘What?’ she gasped. ‘I thought you were going to say you’d move out, not go home!’
‘Do you want me to move out?’ he asked.
‘No! Do you?’
‘I don’t know.’ He squeezed her hand tightly. ‘But I meant what I said after we had our argument: we need some time apart, out of our bubble. I have to do some thinking about what I want and I need it to be away from our flat, and work, and everything. And I think you should do the same.’
‘But would you be moving back to Japan?’
‘No, not initially, but I can’t promise you I won’t. I’m going to start with going back for a couple of weeks, to visit my family, maybe talk to Yui. I need a break from all of this.’
‘Find yourself,’ August said, quietly. This felt like it could be the end, but she could see he needed this.
After a while, Flynn voiced a concern. ‘What if I decide I want to stay out there?’
‘I think you’re already trying to decide that, aren’t you?’
Flynn agreed. ‘I guess I am.’
‘Just go for it, let yourself really think about it without any pressure.’
‘Will you be okay if I go?’
She smiled, as genuinely as she could muster. ‘I survived a long time without you, Flynn Miyoshi, I can survive again with you gone.’
He sat up and moved over to her, pulling her up to seating too, the fireworks still popping overhead, and wrapped his arms around her. ‘You’re a good friend, August Anderson.’
‘I know,’ she said into his chest, breathing him in. ‘Just bring me back some of those matcha KitKats, okay?’
‘Deal.’
They embraced and it was for more than friendship, it was for reassurance, for a goodbye. It was to share the curiosity about what could have been. It was for a fresh start and for happiness.
When Flynn broke free and helped her off the table, he asked, ‘What will we tell the neighbours, if they ask?’
August hopped onto the floor and gathered up the mugs and bottles, and followed Flynn back through the office, where he packed away his things, yawning, both of them ready to call it a night. ‘I’ll just say you’ve gone for business – and that’s why I haven’t gone with you – but you thought you’d stay on a bit to visit family while you were there.’
He looked at her face as they stepped into the cold night air, she watched as his eyes trailed over the shape of her eyelashes, her nose, her lips and she wondered if he’d ever tell her truly what he was thinking. The street was now quieter than when August had run up it an hour and a half ago, though some people were still partying strong. ‘And what if I go for good?’
‘Then I guess we get a divorce,’ August replied, and it took everything she had but she kept that smile in place.
‘I don’t want to divorce you,’ Flynn said.
‘You don’t know what you want,’ she teased in return, and extracted herself from the moment before either of them allowed whatever always drew them together to become a cloud across his thoughts right when he needed a clear head. ‘Now let’s go home, get some sleep, and tomorrow you need to book that much-needed time off work.’
‘Yes, boss,’ he said.
When they arrived home, they crept through the building quietly, and it wasn’t until they were inside their flat and were about to leave each other at their respective bedroom doors that they spoke again.
‘Happy New Year,’ August whispered.
‘Happy New Year,’ Flynn replied. He paused at the door, as if this were the beginning of the end. ‘Am I doing the right thing?’ he asked August, though he was also, really, asking himself.
August nodded with confidence. ‘Yes, one hundred per cent. I think you owe it to yourself to do this. It’s your life.’
After he’d disappeared into his room, August moved not in towards her own bed, but to the living room window, looking out at the nightscape of Bath that she’d grown so in love with. It wouldn’t change, even if he went, even if she couldn’t live here anymore. But knowing that her time to share this with him was trickling away caused her to turn away from the view.
Chapter 68
August
Over the first two weeks of January, while Flynn prepared for his trip to Japan, August threw herself into her work. It was one thing for her to tell Flynn he needed to take back control of his life and decide what he wanted, but she knew she needed to face that in herself too.
She said yes to opportunities for voice work that she’d previously shied away from, following her failed audition; things that were challenging or out of her comfort zone. She found a local amateur dramatics group and called them to see if they could meet at some point. She updated her online profiles and started chatting to other actors and agents on social media. The Tony felt a long way off, a very long way, but it felt good to work for something.
The more time she spent in her booth, now fully soundproofed, the more she remembered how much she loved voice acting, but it also allowed her to block out what was happening in her apartment. And she wondered … if things hadn’t gone so terribly during her audition, would she have found this sparkle for her work again?
Flynn seemed lighter, happier – he said knowing he would soon be having a break from work to go home and see his family was the tonic he needed. But although August was sure that was all true, she also wondered whether potentially rekindling things with Yui – and moving back to Japan to be with her – was also playing a part in his c
hange of mood.
One thing was clear: the romantic thoughts about Flynn that had bobbed to the surface time and again since they’d moved in together had to be pushed down. This was not about her or her journey or her feelings, there were things Flynn needed to figure out by himself. She needed to step away.
When the time came for Flynn to leave for the airport, early in the morning on a cold Saturday in January, August held back her sorrow.
‘I’ll see you in about three weeks,’ Flynn said, hugging her goodbye.
‘Have a good time, you deserve it.’
‘Thanks.’
August punched him lightly on the arm, which felt awkward and unnatural, but hey, it was done now. ‘Go and sort your head out,’ she instructed.
Flynn gave her a smile and she took in his face one last time.
Once he’d gone, closing the door softly behind him, his suitcase disappearing from view, the apartment was quiet. Quieter than when Flynn was just out for the day, it was almost like the walls held their breath, afraid to move in case they came crumbling down. August climbed into her grandma’s armchair and allowed herself a cry.
She cried because she didn’t know if Flynn would be coming home.
The following day, August rose early and treated herself to a Sunday morning bath, and then she made a coffee in her travel mug and left the house on Elizabeth Street early to take a walk as the sun came up. Slowly, the frost on the ground melted and the crisp sky became an ice blue, and August walked and walked, tiring out her legs long after the coffee was drained.
Flynn would be in Japan now, at his parents’ house, which he’d mentioned was somewhere not that far from Tokyo. She wondered what he was doing, but tried not to dwell. Instead she focussed on the here and now – her here and now – and savoured the cold, minty air, the sounds of the birds waking up, the yawning of the Bath buildings as they woke up and stretched under the winter sunshine.
And when finally she returned to Elizabeth Street, rounding the brow of the hill, she saw something unexpected; something that made her smile.
