Reassured he had done all he could for the time being, he still did not feel sleepy. He cast his eyes about the room in search of a volume to read when he heard the door to Elizabeth’s chambers open. Concerned, he exited his room. His eyes adjusted to the darkness of the hallway, but he heard her gasp; his approach had startled her.
*****
“Elizabeth, are you well?” She held a candle, and Darcy was glad he had heard her, for he feared she would injure herself walking around the house with so little light.
He had seen her in a similar garment before, but Elizabeth blushed to be caught stealing out of her bedchamber in only her dressing gown. Although, if things had gone as most wedding nights went, he would likely have seen her in far less. The thought made her face burn redder. She was grateful he likely could not see due to the darkness.
“Yes, I am quite well.” She turned to re-enter her room when her stomach protested, quite audibly. Elizabeth was sure she would die of mortification.
“I feared you would awaken hungry but would not know how to call your maid. We did not know if we should leave something out for you or if you would sleep straight through. Please, allow me to show you the cord.” Darcy motioned for her to re-enter, but she paused.
“How late is it? I would hate to awaken someone, especially on my first night. Oh! What must they think of me? I arrive ill and sleep through the day. I am certain I must have spoiled all of...goodness, I cannot even recall the housekeeper’s name!” Elizabeth nervously played with the folds of her dressing gown.
Darcy grabbed her hand, stroking it to calm her. “Elizabeth, all is well. We are pleased you are not ill. The staff are very kind and will not judge you harshly.” He chose to tease, to lighten her mood. “I have it on good authority everyone is relieved I did not choose Miss Bingley or a similarly demanding woman as a wife.” He could only barely make out her light smile at his jest.
“Truly, they are eager to impress the new mistress. Mrs. Sparks, the housekeeper, wanted to post a maid at your bedside, but I thought you might desire your privacy instead of waking up to a stranger.” Left unsaid was that he did not know if she would have welcomed him at her side.
“Thank you for the consideration.”
“It is after midnight. You must be famished. Let me call a maid.”
“No!” Elizabeth cried. “That is…” She trailed off but then raised her chin and squared her shoulders. “I believe I can adequately find something in the kitchen, or prepare a simple pot of tea. I am quite the hoyden and demanded our cook teach me simple things.” She shrugged. “I had to escape Mama somewhere, and my walks were sometimes restricted due to weather.”
Darcy looked at her in awe. It would not do for Mrs. Darcy to do anything near cooking, but he did not see another way without waking someone, and Elizabeth was clearly set against the idea.
“Very well, take my arm. Careful on the steps.” Darcy led her down into the kitchen. After lighting several lamps, he looked at Elizabeth and was amused at her look of wonder. He could not recall ever spending time in the kitchen, but apparently it was impressive if Elizabeth’s reaction was a measure.
Elizabeth turned to him and suddenly realised he was nearly as undressed as she. She could see his chest hair and gulped. Her ease returned when he turned to stoke the fire.
Elizabeth understood the layout of the room and quickly busied herself. Bread was sliced and jam spread. Soon the pot of water over the fire was boiling, which Elizabeth ladled into a pot for their tea, but she did so with a practiced hand and proudly served their simple meal. The tea was not locked away, and Elizabeth believed it spoke volumes about the staff’s loyalty.
Darcy smiled appreciatively, but Elizabeth deflected his compliment. “Surely you heard my confession to Mr. Hurst, that I prefer a simple meal to a ragout?”
They shared a smile and were silent for several bites.
“You have seen one of my hidden accomplishments, sir. Have you any? I always thought it unfair that a lady must be accomplished while a man only needed to inherit money from some relative somewhere and charm the lady.” She was teasing; they both knew running an estate well was quite an accomplishment, and still many younger sons had professions and earned their income.
“Yes, but you do not appreciate the amount of work it is to charm some people!”
Elizabeth laughed. “It is true. Some are more difficult to impress than others, but some also do not seem to bother with the effort of being charming.” She blushed at all her recent memories of Darcy’s solicitous care. “At first.” She was pleased to see he looked aware of her admonishment.
“Very well. It is not a very gentlemanly pursuit, but it pleased my mother at the time. She taught me a little on the pianoforte, and for years, I studied with masters on the violoncello.” He blushed and ducked his head.
Elizabeth was extremely surprised. She knew he enjoyed listening to the pianoforte and recalled him listing concerts and operas as some of the activities he usually enjoyed when in Town, but that he played! And something as complex as the violoncello! Elizabeth’s gaze averted to his hands. They were large, but she noticed they were nimble, and he moved them gracefully. The same large hands had held her own and brought her comfort with a gentle touch.
“Will you play for me sometime?” she asked softly.
Darcy looked up at her, only to notice how she watched his hands, and smiled a little. “I...I am not used to performing for others, but if it would please you, I will.” Truthfully, only Georgiana and some staff knew he played still.
Suddenly inspired, he grasped Elizabeth’s hand resting next to her teacup. It startled her, but she did not try to remove it.
He asked, “Will you tell me what makes you happiest?”
Elizabeth gazed at him for a long moment, deciding what her answer would be. “It is hard to explain. Put simply, I am happiest when I am with those whom I love and who love me.”
Darcy was surprised at first, but a moment later decided it was perfectly in her character. Of course, Elizabeth would not list some material object or experience. He had expected her to mention a favourite path or activity, but not his Elizabeth.
“And you?”
Darcy thought over his answer. He traced his memory to find the happy moments in his life. Before Elizabeth’s answer, he might have answered that he was happiest in perfect solitude, with an amiable companion, or perhaps in his library with a good book. Now he recognised those were simply times of contentment. Elizabeth brought happiness. Elizabeth was his joy.
“William?”
Darcy had been silent for some time, making Elizabeth quite uneasy. He still held her hand and squeezed it lightly. “You.”
Elizabeth turned scarlet and looked away from his steady gaze. She soon rose and began to gather the dishes, but Darcy stayed her arm.
“Elizabeth, I will not allow you to be a scullery maid.”
“I cannot let them sit and ungraciously expect the maids to do them in the morning. When they went to bed, their domain was spotless!”
Darcy gave her a penetrating look. Perhaps asking how to ensure her happiness was the wrong question to ask. “Will you tell me your greatest fears?”
Elizabeth gasped at the question, but something in his eyes compelled her to answer honestly when she was prone to make a joke of it. “I fear becoming a disgrace. First as a Bennet, now as a Darcy, but mostly in my own eyes. I tease you about your fastidious standards, but the truth is they are no worse than I place on myself.”
Darcy walked around the table to stand near her. She had lowered her head, but he tilted her chin up to meet his eyes. “You could never be a disgrace. You are a well-bred lady with grace, intelligence, and kindness. These ridiculous expectations of accomplishments mean nothing. Is a wife more agreeable if she can argue with her husband in German? I would have you be happy, and be happy with yourself. If that means mud puddles and cooking lessons, then so be it, if only to see that joyous sparkle in your eyes. That will
give me pleasure!
“Elizabeth, you are so unlike the women of the ton, the ladies with whom you shall soon become acquainted, and I do not ever want you to think you must become artificial like them.”
Elizabeth was embarrassed by her confession but realised she had wanted to share such an intimate thought with her husband. She needed to feel his acceptance. As he began to speak, she felt more self-assured than she had in months, since before his insult at the assembly. It seemed that even after she claimed to have forgiven him and forgotten it, even after she accepted his proposal and his professions of admiration, she felt the hurt of his words because they had validated her own insecurity. Striking out in anger at him was easier than acknowledging she shared his opinion.
Now that she realised her thoughts, not his words, were the true source of her pain, she no longer needed his continual reassurance. She could not place her self-worth on his approval; it had to come from within. The knowledge that no one else could hurt her was powerful. She was indeed worthy of his love and admiration, but her worth was not contingent upon his regard.
She blinked back tears. “Thank you.”
He pulled her into his embrace, and she revelled in the new sensations of acceptance she felt. Somehow, Darcy saw the real her. He knew her in an intimate way no one else ever had.
Jane or her aunt would tell her that her feelings of inadequacy were unnecessary, which in a bizarre fashion, only reinforced the feeling. But Darcy did not try to denigrate her emotions. He allowed her to feel them because they were a part of her. He only asked if such thoughts made her happy. And now with his arms wrapped around her, she truly felt happiness.
She could not remain silent for long, however. Her courage always rose to every occasion. “And what is your greatest fear, William?” She attempted to suppress a great yawn but was unsuccessful.
Darcy pressed a kiss into her hair and guided her back to her chair. “Rest yourself. I will write Mrs. Scott a note of apology for our mess, and then we must get you to bed.”
Darcy left for his study to write the quick missive to the cook, and when he returned, Elizabeth was asleep in her chair. She barely roused and needed to be carried the final steps from the top of the stairs to her room, the laudanum still having an effect on her after her meal.
When he drew the counterpane over her, he leant down to kiss her forehead. “Sleep well, my love.”
Elizabeth turned towards the warmth and murmured sleepily, “Stay, please. I know tonight is not...is not how it should have been, but hold me, please?”
Darcy could not refuse her request. He lay next to her, face to face, in what he hoped would not turn into too tempting a position. Before drifting to sleep, he acknowledged silently that his greatest fear was not earning her unconditional love.
He also acknowledged that pride was most definitely coming before the fall. Only hours before, he had told himself he could resist the temptation of his lovely wife for the duration of her pregnancy and had used the example of his previous restraint as proof. But it was all for naught because his restraint always shattered near her, and it was only his foolish pride that thought otherwise. But maybe if his resolve came out of concern for her and the babe and was not complicit in merely consulting his own desires, he could prove valiant.
Chapter Fourteen
Jane entered the breakfast room the morning after her sister’s wedding and tried to not feel emptiness. This was as life was meant to be. They all had duties to marry, and she was fortunate enough to find love and an acceptable match. Perhaps she had never expected before that they would be so scattered. Even London was many hours away; Lizzy in Derbyshire was so far she could scarcely hope to see her above three times a year. She was not alone in her thoughts.
“Thank heavens you will be near me, Jane,” Mrs. Bennet said as she buttered a roll.
“Perhaps now that you see what it is like to lose one daughter to matrimony, you will not be so fast to wish the rest gone,” Mr. Bennet said with a sad smile over his tea.
Mrs. Bennet shook her head. “No, Lizzy is not so far away because she married, but only because of who she married. Jane will live close by, and they will host more balls. Did you see the attention the other girls received on Tuesday?” A twinkle returned to her eyes. “Oh, and London! Jane and Lizzy can host the girls in London, and they will all make such good matches.”
“The London gentlemen may not be local, madam,” he said.
Jane’s heart lurched a little for her parents. They seemed to be trying to hold onto their usual ways, but both seemed to feel Elizabeth’s loss acutely.
“But Jane will only be three miles from us.”
She wondered if Bingley meant to always stay at Netherfield. She did not know the particulars of the lease but knew he meant to buy an estate one day, and Netherfield may not be open. Perhaps he would wish to stay in Hertfordshire at least. It occurred to her how very few women she knew married and moved far away from their families. Her own mother had not. Her father had been a solicitor in Meryton.
Kitty and Lydia finally arrived in the room, giggling. Jane smiled at their youthful exuberance.
“What has my two silliest girls so happy first thing in the morning?” Mr. Bennet asked.
“Nothing!” Kitty immediately exclaimed at the same time that Lydia spoke.
“We were only wondering if Lizzy slept well her first night in her new house,” Lydia said with a wicked gleam in her eye before laughing again.
Jane blushed for her sisters’ antics and the reference. She jumped when Mr. Bennet laid his cup on the table with a clatter.
“I am learning to be cautious! It seems my sensible daughters are not as sensible as I had thought, and so I am prohibiting you, Kitty and Lydia, from all balls unless you stand up with one of your sisters. No more visits with these officers either. The last one who entered my house was rake! You must prove you can spend at least ten minutes a day in a rational matter before you may walk to town again!” He rose and began to leave, but Mrs. Bennet stilled him.
“Mr. Bennet! Mr. Bingley will call soon! You cannot mean to leave us already.”
“Mr. Bingley has gone to London to finish the paperwork with his solicitor.”
Mrs. Bennet huffed. “Well, what’s the point in having suitors if no one ever calls? I do not know why he had to hurry off to London, for the wedding is not for many weeks.”
Mr. Bennet opened the door just as Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner stood at the outside. Jane looked at her hands, knowing she would see the pain on their faces.
“Jane and Bingley will wed on Monday. It cannot be delayed.”
“Edward!” Mrs. Bennet cried to her brother. “Is this your doing? You must return to Town so soon? I thought you were to remain until Christmas!”
Jane looked up, feeling the weight of her aunt and uncle’s stares upon her. For the first time since the night of the ball, she began to feel some recrimination. Mr. Gardiner hastened to his sister’s side.
“I am sorry, Fanny. I received the notice just Thursday. I had thought Mr. Bennet would have told you.”
“No, he treats me most cruelly, as you see! I am always abused by everyone! Two rushed weddings. No young men calling! What is the point of it all?” Mrs. Bennet cried and clasped her handkerchief to her chest.
Seeing that one of her “attacks” was coming on, Jane stood. “Here, Mama. You are overtired from yesterday. You must rest.” She went to her mother’s side to assist her upstairs. Mrs. Gardiner followed.
After settling Mrs. Bennet in her rooms, Jane was unsurprised when Mrs. Gardiner directed her to her own.
“You may look at me, Jane. I did not come here to scold you. I think you have done that yourself.”
“I did not realise the disappointment I would give everyone.”
“I daresay you did not realise much at all at the time.”
Jane blushed. “No, I did not.” She paused. “I am astonished at myself. I knew my feelings for Mr. Bingley were very strong,
but I did not take care to be on guard. I cannot defend what happened, but neither do I entirely regret it. Does that make me terrible?”
She met her aunt with anguished eyes. She had been attempting to hide that feeling even from herself. Her sense of modesty and morality told her that she had quite erred, and yet if presented with the same situation all over again, she did not think she could help to do otherwise.
Mrs. Gardiner took Jane’s hands in hers. “You ought to have waited. There are risks involved now. A child may be born too early. Mr. Bingley may, Lord forbid, meet a terrible fate while away or any time before the wedding day. You were fortunate that he already applied for a licence.”
Jane nodded. “Of course! I would never have allowed myself to feel so much if we were not betrothed.” She spoke passionately and then deflated. “Does that sound silly?”
Mrs. Gardiner smiled. “No, it sounds very like you. You have enough sense to hold back your feelings until there is some merit to them.”
Jane wondered if Mrs. Gardiner meant that Elizabeth gave into her feelings more quickly but could not ask before a servant arrived holding a letter for Jane from Netherfield Park. She read it instantly and sighed.
“Caroline requests my presence. Mr. Darcy’s relatives left without incident this morning.” The ladies shared a look in remembrance of the unexpected events the day before. “She and Louisa grow bored.”
“Do you wish to go?”
“I think Mama desires me home, and I wish to spend my last few days at Longbourn with my family.”
“As you should. I also think your affection for the brother far outweighs the affection for the sister.”
A Sense of Obligation Page 17
