He kissed her with gentleness. “Darling, I can never forgive myself for the grief I put you through due to my arrogance. I scarcely entertained any other idea but that I seduced you, I think because then I knew I had to marry you, and I could never talk myself out of it. It was the only way I could allow myself to marry you with all my pride.” He paused for a moment before adding gravely, “I confessed it all to Bingley. I will have to explain my mistake. How can you ever forgive me? What a fool I was to share something that could only serve to blacken your name to another!”
Elizabeth hushed his lips with her fingers. “No more. Tell him if you wish, but I do not care what he or others think of me. I only care for your opinion. I love you.”
Darcy broke into a wide grin. “I love you.” Instead of a passionate kiss, he touched their foreheads together.
“Now I am very tired and would like a tour of our rooms again.” Elizabeth arched a brow and Darcy smiled.
He scooped her into his arms, making her squeal, and carried her back to her chambers. There were blushes and some fumbling as they undressed each other, but the look in their eyes showed their mutual trust and love. At last, they lay in their bed, stripped of their final barriers, and pulled each other close.
That night, Elizabeth could only laugh at herself over the thought that her response to Darcy’s touch was anything other than love. Darcy’s last thought before sleep was that he was an utter fool to ever think he could forget his first night spent in passion with Elizabeth.
* * *
1 Darcy chose an excerpt of “A Phantom of Delight” by William Wordsworth.
Chapter Twenty
“At last, our guests have left,” Darcy said as he pulled Elizabeth into an embrace in Pemberley’s main hall in early January.
They had just seen off the Sidneys and Georgiana. They were leaving for the family’s estate for another week before journeying to London. Darcy and Elizabeth were to leave in the morning to visit Hertfordshire for several days. Caroline Bingley and Mr. Collins were to be married as well as Charlotte Lucas and Mr. Samuel Long. Elizabeth frowned in consideration.
“Tell me that you have not tired of me already,” he teased.
“No, I am only thinking how different Hertfordshire shall be.”
“You mean the people, I presume.” She nodded and Darcy stroked her cheek.
“I recall you once arguing that although a country town was a confined and unvarying society, the people changed often enough to provide a thorough study of human character.”
Elizabeth shook her head. “I said that only to quiet Mama.” Darcy raised an eyebrow and Elizabeth sighed. “And perhaps to vex you. I do not actually believe people change very much, especially without a serious impetus.”
Darcy smiled. “There is a part of you that cannot resist disagreeing just for the sake of an argument.”
“I believe the London drawing rooms call that being a good conversationalist.”
Darcy nodded before quickly kissing her lips. “That is why you will be a sensational hit, and I will be as dull as ever.” She smiled, at last. “However, I will not allow you to change the subject. What do you fear about returning to Hertfordshire?” He dropped his voice, “Is it the rumours about our wedding, because of my misapprehension?”
“No, I do not worry about that in the least.” She tugged his hand to lead him to their chambers. She waited until they were cuddled in bed to speak. It was only the afternoon, but they had taken to resting together as frequently as possible, frequently much more than resting as well. With her head resting on Darcy’s shoulder, she found strength to confess her worries.
“I am so happy Charlotte is marrying for affection. You know, only a few weeks ago, she counselled me to snatch up any man.”
“Oh, I see. You regret you did not listen and instead were stuck with me.” He smiled.
Elizabeth laughed. “You have become quite the tease lately. I knew you could be witty, but it has been an unexpected surprise to see this side of you.”
Darcy lifted one of Elizabeth’s hands to his lips. “I did not know I could be so...”
“Happy?”
Darcy eagerly nodded. “Yes, happy.”
Elizabeth gazed into his eyes. “I am glad I make you so happy, but I think you always had this shade in your character. Your friends and family are all lively. You could never have liked me if you did not have a taste for the ridiculous.”
Darcy still held her hand and now kissed her palm. “Yes, you taste delicious, but I believe you were telling me about Miss Lucas and marriages for affection.”
“You will not let me avoid this, will you?”
“No, darling. Unburden yourself.”
Elizabeth smiled as she felt her heart swell. He truly cherished her. “I only regret that Miss Bingley is forced to wed my cousin. I know she seemed to care little about affection, but I am mortified for her.”
Darcy laughed. “I did not tell you? I expressed a similar concern, and my uncle assures me that she appeared to quite enjoy the kiss.”
“No!” Elizabeth cried in disbelief. “Your uncle must be confused. What man thinks a lady does not enjoy their kisses?”
“As my uncle was the only witness, I assure you that he would have been more than willing to speak up if he believed Miss Bingley was in any way an unwilling participant, and there would then be no issue at stake. No one would dare speak otherwise.”
“It is nearly unfathomable.”
“I cannot pretend I understand her mind. She did think I would offer for her, after all.”
“Yes, it seems many ladies have believed that!”
“Except you,” he said.
“I hoped Mama’s nerves would calm after Jane and I married, but now she is so worried about Miss Bingley becoming the mistress of Longbourn. Jane writes that she meddles at Netherfield frequently and is already after Mary to find a husband. Mama writes to me how she cannot wait to show me off as Mrs. Darcy. She did not get to do much before the wedding, and the neighbourhood has seen Jane for weeks now.” She suddenly ceased her rambling.
“Do you worry about my reaction? I managed Bingley and Jane’s wedding.”
“This is for a whole week, not a mere day. I cannot help but think about the difference in your relations and mine, having just spent several weeks with them.”
“Do you not recall Lady Catherine and Anne?”
“Anne is unwell.”
“Lady Catherine certainly knows better.”
“She was a concerned mother.”
“Is not yours as well?”
“Why should she still be concerned?” she asked with no small amount of hurt in her voice.
“Why should Lady Catherine think the only way to secure her daughter was through a marriage with me? Why should I think that you would come to my bed before marriage? We cannot always see things clearly when confused or hurt.”
Elizabeth slowly nodded, then kissed Darcy deeply.
“What was that for?”
“For being so sensible and patient with me. I suppose she may need time to adjust to the changes.”
Darcy stroked Elizabeth’s cheek. “Even if she does not, she is your mother and due my respect. Bingley and I will speak to your father about the eventuality of his demise. And would you prefer to invite Mary with us to London? I know you are getting along well with Georgiana, but she cannot accompany us to events, and Laura will not be attending many in her condition. I know Jane will be there, but I thought you would like another friendly face.”
“Oh! I would love that! I do not know if she will agree, but thank you!” She kissed him again.
When she released his lips, he grinned. “I quite enjoy your thanks.” He fingered the necklace she still wore, a token of their marriage given to her the day after they arrived at Pemberley. “I believe I have earned your gratitude more with those words than when I gave you Mother’s jewels.”
She rested a palm on his cheek and looked him intently in the eyes. “I care not
for your wealth and jewels. You love me. You honour and respect me and my family. That is the greatest gift I could ever want. My love is all I can give in return, but I will give it freely and as often as possible.” She then eagerly showed him the depth of her feelings.
*****
Three days later, Elizabeth sat uncomfortably in Netherfield’s drawing room with her mother, sister, Miss Bingley, and Mrs. Hurst. There was the unexpected presence of Lady Catherine to add to her anxieties. Finally, a maid brought in a tray of refreshments, and Elizabeth nearly sighed in relief. Although they could not all talk, they could all eat. Jane reached for a lemon biscuit, and upon taking one bite, immediately fled the room. Her mother ran after her. Upon her arrival the night before, Jane had confided in Elizabeth her suspicions that she was already with child.
Lady Catherine watched the scene with raised eyebrows. She opened her mouth to speak, but the housekeeper came in. “Miss Bingley, Cook needs to speak with Mrs. Bingley...”
Lady Catherine immediately stood. “I will speak with this cook.” She then walked to the door.
The housekeeper glanced at Miss Bingley, who nodded, and the housekeeper filed out behind her ladyship. Mrs. Hurst squeezed Miss Bingley’s hand and followed suit. Elizabeth took a bite of a biscuit, uncomfortable at being left alone with Miss Bingley.
“These are quite good,” she said.
“Her ladyship believes they could be improved,” Miss Bingley replied, and Elizabeth fought the urge to roll her eyes. “Would you take a walk about the room with me, Mrs. Darcy?”
Elizabeth nervously agreed. She recalled the last time Miss Bingley made such a request; it had only been as a means to gain Darcy’s attention and mock Elizabeth. Neither purpose seemed to be possible at the moment.
They walked in silence for a moment, and finally, Miss Bingley cleared her throat. “I would ask your advice on certain...marital matters, Mrs. Darcy.”
Elizabeth stumbled. “Pardon me?” Miss Bingley could not be asking for information about the marriage bed from her of all people.
Miss Bingley let out an exasperated sigh. “I wed tomorrow and do not know what to expect. I simply cannot talk to Jane or Louisa about it. To envision them in such a situation with their spouses…” Caroline shuddered. Elizabeth could quite understand the sentiment. She would not wish to hear about her brother’s abilities, and Mr. Hurst...well, no one desired to imagine such a thing. Not that Elizabeth felt comfortable at the moment when recalling that this woman was marrying Mr. Collins of all people.
“Perhaps one of the other ladies?” Elizabeth suggested.
“Who? Lady Catherine has come forward and taken over the planning of the wedding and setting up of the house in Kent. In some ways, it is nice as my own mother is long departed. Speaking with your mother is out of the question, and I have no real acquaintance with anyone else here. This is not the sort of thing one asks in a letter.”
Elizabeth thought to herself that it was Miss Bingley’s own fault if she had no friends in the area.
Miss Bingley continued, “I think our reasons for marriage are quite similar, too.”
Elizabeth looked at her companion in shock. “And what are those?”
“I have an obligation to my family to marry well. He is not what I had hoped for, but my only options of ever doing that well would have been because of Mr. Darcy’s friendship with Charles. Then he gave me an ultimatum to marry or find an establishment.” She shrugged her shoulders. “It is not a bad lot in life. Surely you understand about marrying as best as one can and seizing an offer it when it comes.”
“I had heard there was a bit more to the tale,” Elizabeth said.
Miss Bingley blushed. “Well…” she stammered, “well, it turns out that I...I am a bit like you in that I was more passionate than I had thought.”
Elizabeth felt as though she had been slapped. “Is that what you think of me? Of the reasons for my marriage?”
“Everyone could see Mr. Darcy was enamoured with you. But I did not think you liked him very much. All through your stay at Netherfield, I saw you avoid speaking with him and mocking him when you could not. Then suddenly you were engaged just upon leaving? No, something happened and likely the last night you were here. I know there was a broken glass in the library. I do not think he was alone.”
“Miss Bingley,” Elizabeth turned to face her, “I do not care what you supposed happened between my husband and me, but I can assure you that he would not take kindly to such assumptions. We are very much in love, and if we did not show it well before our engagement was known, it is for our own reasons.”
Miss Bingley paled, clearly realising the rudeness of her words. “I had not meant to imply…” Elizabeth raised her eyebrows, and Miss Bingley’s shoulders sagged in defeat. “Perhaps I did, but it is a reasonable conclusion. There is little in Mr. Darcy’s character to recommend himself as a lover, and yet now you seem besotted. I had refused Mr. Collins, then he kissed me, and suddenly the reasons for my dislike did not matter.”
Elizabeth’s stomach twisted at the thought.
“Please, believe me,” Miss Bingley continued, “I am only confused about my feelings and how they can relate to...other intimacies. I understand enough of the act.” Her voice was very low.
Elizabeth looked at the other lady and found a spark of compassion. She recalled being confused by her own feelings and felt as though she had no one in whom to confide.
“Please, Mrs. Darcy, help me.”
She truly sounded desperate, and Elizabeth could not fail to notice how frequently she called her by the correct name and with deference. It seemed Miss Bingley was not the horribly proud woman she had believed.
“This may be easier if you would call me Elizabeth.”
“Of course, Eliza…” Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. Apparently, some habits were hard to change. “Elizabeth,” Miss Bingley corrected herself. “You must call me Caroline. We are to be relations, of a sort.”
“I suppose we are. I do not know how much advice I can give. You are correct; I at first did not recognise my true feelings for Mr. Darcy. I had agreed to marry him based on what I thought was only attraction and a good bit of logical reason; he was a good man and would be a good match. However, I did soon recognise it was love. I can only say intimacies within a loving marriage are glorious.”
Miss Bingley gave a small, sad smile. “Well, I do not know that that is helpful at all, either. I can hardly say I love Mr. Collins.”
“Perhaps it will come with time, or perhaps what you do feel is enough. What does he say?”
“Oh, he has quite imagined he is in love with me, but we do not really know each other. He said such empty words during his proposal when I had only spoken to him twice.”
“Well…” Elizabeth did not know how to reply.
“I suppose it is enough,” Caroline said at last.
There was a knock on the door, and they turned to see Darcy. “I hope you do not mind, Miss Bingley, but I was hoping Mrs. Darcy would care to join me for a walk?”
“Not at all,” Miss Bingley said and dropped Elizabeth’s arm.
Elizabeth squeezed Caroline’s hand, then walked to her husband. They donned their outerwear, and once outside, he turned to her and asked “What was that about? Where had the other ladies gone?”
Elizabeth smiled a little. “Well, Jane fell ill, and Mama followed after her.”
“Jane is ill?” he cried in alarm.
“In the usual way that afflicts married women.” She watched his face, hoping he would understand.
“Oh, that is...that is good,” he said.
Elizabeth thought it was a strange thing to say but did not remark on it. “Then the housekeeper needed assistance, and Lady Catherine and Mrs. Hurst left to help. Caroline desired to speak with me.”
Darcy’s eyebrows raised. “Caroline? Such friendly terms!”
Elizabeth laughed. “She is not so terribly bad. I suppose I estimated her wrongly as much as I did yo
u in some cases.”
“Did you? And what did she wish to speak on?”
Elizabeth blushed. “She had some questions and doubts about tomorrow night.” She gave him a pointed look, and it seemed he understood her exactly. “She thought I could help her understand her feelings, but it seems I cannot.”
“What did you tell her, then?”
“I suggested that what she currently felt for him may be enough for a happy marriage.”
He drew her a little closer to his side. “Would it be enough to make you happy, Lizzy?”
“Perhaps,” she quipped and could tell she surprised him.
“Perhaps?”
“Yes, perhaps. I think happiness in marriage is a matter of dispositions. Surely many marry for reasons other than love and achieve happiness. The security of their family and themselves, respectability in the eyes of society…”
“...a lifelong companion to ease loneliness and the tasks of one’s estate or business. I had once thought that was all I would find in a marriage.”
“Would it have made you happy?”
He was very quiet. “Perhaps,” he said at last. “Although I think my disposition is less made for that kind of happiness. No, I desire real, ardent love.”
“Hmm…” Elizabeth arched a brow. “You mean like in the stories, where the man is so consumed he kills himself at the thought of life without his love?”
Darcy shook his head and lightly laughed at her tease. “No, I have far too many obligations to do that.” They had reached the stone bench where Darcy proposed and sat close together against the cold. He stroked her cheek. “But an ardent love that is born out of selflessness, that can accept my faults and inspire me to be a better man, that is what would make me happiest in marriage. Not a list of duties we dispense together.”
Elizabeth leaned forward to lightly kiss him. “Then we have enough, William.”
He smiled before replying, “Yes, our love is enough.”
Elizabeth shook her head. “No, I mean we have love, and we have our duties, our sense of honour.”
“We do,” he said, nodding. He would have chosen Elizabeth over his honour and duties to his family. He would have chosen love but was so grateful that he was not required to do so. “Come, it is cold. We should return to the house.”
A Sense of Obligation Page 25
