by Mia Ford
We changed it because of me and the first time I saw Kade again. I know it and so do the other girls. But they’re tiptoeing around me as if they’re frightened of sending me back to bed. They don’t need to be, I won’t go back to that place. However challenging it is, I will keep passing forward.
“I miss the drinks though,” I attempt a joke. “Bottled water isn’t quite the same.”
Cindy and Rhiannon stare at each other before bursting into laughter. It’s so false it hurts. It actually makes me feel sick to think that they can be this way with me. I’m their friend, still the same person. Sort of.
“Girls, come on.” I grow tired of it. I have to address them. “I’m okay now, we can talk like normal people, I’m not going to fall apart. I know it’s been a rough patch for me, but I really am okay. I would just prefer it if you started treating me like myself again. All this being kind is weird. I don’t like it.”
They both pause, looking guilty, which isn’t what I wanted at all. I smile, trying to let them see that what I said was the truth – even if it was a crock of shit – and thankfully, they seem to decide to go with it.
“We should go to the movies,” I say on impulse, wanting to make up for the lie I once told to go and hang out with the boy who would ultimately destroy me. Maybe I can pretend that this is still that night and I blew him off so none of this happened. “My treat. I’ll even get you both some popcorn.”
“I’m not going to say no to that!” Rhiannon replies excitedly. “Let’s get this done then go.”
We get back to work, each of us happy in our own way. My way might be false, but at least it isn’t nothing. Right now, I have to take all the victories that I can and this will do as one. I might not have full control of my life again, but it’s a start. Slowly but surely, I’m erasing Kade Roberts.
15
Kade
The last two weeks have been the hardest of my life. Not only have I been forced to cut myself off from everyone in my life while my father works out how to make my life not go down the toilet, I’ve also had to live in the most uncomfortable atmosphere of my whole entire life. My father can’t look me in the eyes and my mother doesn’t seem to know who I am anymore. I can tell that she barely recognizes me… and to be honest, I don’t recognize myself. Yes, I’ve always been a fun loving guy who wants to play around, but I haven’t always put it before everything else. Now, I don’t know how I’ve let things get so damn bad.
I think spending time with Lucie, and realizing who I could have been has only made me see that more. We could’ve really been something, but now we’ll never get to know. I messed it up, I made sure that we couldn’t become anything before we even hooked up. It’s almost as if I knew. At this rate, I won’t ever be allowed out of this damn house again. I’m not grounded exactly, I’m too old for that, but I can’t go out either.
“Kade!” Dad barks, breaking the silence in a shocking moment. It’s been like a ghost house for far too long, three strangers passing through this damn mansion without exchanging a word. “My office now.”
I guess my fate has been decided at long last. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. On the one hand, it’s better than being in this horrible limbo where the atmosphere is terrible, but on the other, what comes next might be even worse. There isn’t any way of truly knowing what way it’s going to go.
I slink out of my room with my shoulders hunched over and my head hanging low. I used to stand proud, I used to be happy with myself and my life, I thought I was the king of the world and that I had everything waiting for me. In reality, I have less than all those people I mocked in college. They still get to be there.
“Mom?” She’s perched on the edge of Dad’s desk, refusing to look me in the eye. For some reason, this alone makes me fear the next step more than anything else. “What’s going on here?”
In the flickering of the candle that’s been lit for some reason, she looks stressed. Her body language is even more hunched over than mine. I’ve stressed her out even more than I have done myself. Just one more thing to feel terrible about. The list keeps growing and growing endlessly.
“This isn’t really to do with your mother, Son. This is between me and you. She’s just here to… well, you’ll see.” He indicates for me to take a seat which I don’t. My limbs wouldn’t move even if I wanted them to, they are utterly encased in ice. “Okay, so as you know I have been doing some thinking about your future. Now that you’ve messed things up at college, I know for a fact that no self respecting school will take you on, and as far as I’m concerned I don’t want you going to one of those places where partying is a way of life. If education comes second then you will bunk off. You have done more than enough of that.”
“I won’t screw up again,” I try my hardest to promise him. “I’ve learnt my lesson, I won’t make the…”
Dad holds up his hands to stop me from talking, which of course I immediately do, he just has this way of controlling the world around him. I suppose it must kill him that I’ve gone off the rails somewhat.
“I’m very sorry, Kade, but your apologies don’t mean anything anymore. I cannot trust a single word that comes out of your mouth.” His snapping makes me flinch, that feels a bit harsh even with the situation that we found ourselves in. It’s almost as if he hates me which upsets me a lot. “So, college is out of the question, as is taking over the family company. At least, for the time being it is. I don’t want our legacy to leave the family, I still want it to be a part of our name forever. Our ancestors didn’t work so hard for nothing. So, to prove to me that you can do this I have arranged for you to spend the next five years working in each department. You will travel to our designers in India, our manufacturers in China, our other stores across Europe and Japan, plus you will spend some time in other states. You will work hard and learn to ropes from the bottom up. I think that once you have an understanding of how every aspect of the business works, you will understand the importance of it and you’ll be able to run it in a coherent way.”
I search deep inside me to work out how I feel about that. I guess I always assumed that my life would have some travel in it at some point, but I didn’t think it would be like that. But maybe it would be a good thing, at least it would give me a chance to prove myself in a very real way. I always could be worse…
When I think about all the things that could have happened, I can’t be disappointed. He’s been more than fair to me considering the selfish way in which I’ve behaved for far too long.
“Okay,” I rasp as I nod. “Yes. I’ll do it, Dad, and I won’t let you down. I promise.”
“I have people watching you carefully in every single place over the next five years,” he warns in a serious, grave tone of voice. “There won’t be any time for you to screw about. You do understand that, don’t you? Any sign that you don’t want to grow up and I shall revise my plan completely. Much as I want to keep the business in the family, I also don’t want you to come along and run it into the ground. That isn’t fair on anyone.”
I deserved that, just like I deserve all of this. I really have been a fuck up and now I need to do some growing. Much as I could look upon this as a negative thing, I refuse to. The maturing starts right here.
“Son,” Mom finally joins in the conversation, proving why she’s here. I guess to defend Dad if I start kicking off. “We just want you to be capable when the time comes, and this is for the best…”
“No, I get it. I agree with you.” I force a smile onto my face, not that I think it’s a very believable one. “I do need to be able to work hard so I don’t screw this up. I’ll do it and I won’t let you down.”
“Good.” Dad commands the conversation again. “Because I want you to get packed up ready to go. The car will be here in half an hour to take you to London. That’s where you’re going to begin, to work in the store to see how it runs. The manager, William, will meet you from the airport and show you around.” He rests his hand on my shoulder
and gives me an intense look. “It’s time to prove that you have some bollocks, and that you can take whatever life throws at you. Please, Son, make me proud.”
I nod, with a surge of determination that I’ll do just that. Of course, thinking of London only causes memories of Lucie to resurface. That’s one of the places that she said she wants to visit. Maybe, by some miracle I will see her there Our lives will cross paths again and I’ll be able to make things right…
But probably not, since she isn’t done with college yet and I probably won’t be in London for long. Not if I’m going to be travelling all over to see how things are run. It’s a nice thought, but not possible. And even if it was, she undoubtedly hates my guts for the way that I treated her. I slept with her, then blew her off, then left. She must know that I’m home now and she hasn’t made any effort to contact me at all. If she saw me in London, she would probably run the other way and I would ruin her dream trip.
Another thing I need to do over the next five years is stop thinking about Lucie. Luckily, it didn’t have the time to become anything other than old friends who hooked up once. Yes, I was considering making her something more permanent in my life, but fate stepped in the way and stopped that from happening. That’s a sign that my initial instincts were right. I’m far too young to even think about settling down.
I make my way back to my bedroom and I gather up the things I think I’m going to need the most. I’ll have to leave most things here since I’ll be moving about so much. Not so much back packing but I won’t be in five star hotels either. I’ll be a working man, living the working class life. Sort of. It’ll be a minimalistic five years which might be good for me as well. I’ve spent too long living the rich man dream.
By the time that I’m packed up and all ready to go, I actually feel positive about my adventure. If I focus on all the wonderful parts to it and ignore all the parts that are a bit shit, then it’ll be fine. I’m sure that I shall leave a boy, but I’ll come back a man. Then, I’ll be the best person I can be to make our family company even better. Maybe I can even grow it and turn it into something even bigger. It’s possible, isn’t it?
“Bye, Mom,” I say while giving her a hug. I don’t blame her, she’s dominated by Dad anyway and I know that she only wants what’s best for me. “I love you, and I’ll call you when I get to London.”
Dad pats me on the shoulders and smiles at me, looking a lot less like he hates me than he did before. “Son, I’ll send you a budget to life off each week, like a wage for the work. It won’t be as much as you’re used to, so you’ll have to adjust to living on a budget. That’s something which I hope will also be a good lesson.”
“It will.” I can do that, I can spend less. If I’m not drinking and partying then it’ll be easy. “It’ll be fine.”
With that, I leave my parents behind, I say goodbye to the comforts of my mansion, and I step into the unknown. This is me giving up the person that I’ve become and I can’t wait to leave that version of me behind. I don’t know who I’ll be when I come back, but I hope it’s much better. I hope I’m more mature.
I chuck my bag in the car and take my seat. As it whizzes down the road, the only house that I cannot look at is Lucie’s because she’s the one major regret that I’m leaving behind. Maybe fate will come back between us in five years time and we will get another chance, but it seems like we’ve already had two. I’ve heard of second chance love but never third chance. That one might already be sealed and done with. It’s a massive shame, and something that I’ll always have to live with, but I suppose I must hope that life has a plan for me.
16
Lucie
I’m utterly sick of being sick, I think to myself as I grab onto the toilet bowl again. This has been happening on and off for ages now, ever since I got my heart broken actually. I guess it’s because I’m not dealing with it anything like I should be. On the outside I’m all fun loving and okay, but on the inside, I’m dying.
I miss Kade. I don’t want to and I know that I shouldn’t, but I do. I miss seeing him across the campus and getting that funny heart flutter, I miss hanging out with him and laughing together like we used to. I miss that wonderful night that we spent together before everything fell apart… I just miss him. The more I try to forget about him, the worse that feeling becomes. I feel like I’m really starting to lose myself completely.
I can’t even find out what’s going on with him, no one here really seems to know, and since it’s been over a month of course everyone has moved onto something else. Popular or not, his sudden unexpected departure can only keep people entertained for so long. There have been rumors that he got kicked out, but I don’t know. I can’t ask my mom outright either, not without raising her suspicion any more than it already is. I keep speaking to her and trying to dig for information without asking but she’s keeping it close to her chest. She must know, she’s too close to the family not to, but she doesn’t wan to share it with me.
I fall back on the tiles and grip onto my sweaty forehead as my panting breaths fall raggedly fall out of my mouth. This is getting silly now, I don’t know how much longer I can take it, if the illness doesn’t get better soon, I might have to go to the doctors and see if there’s something medically wrong with me.
Oh… my… God… all of a sudden, something strikes me that I haven’t considered before. I guess because I was a virgin until very recently this isn’t something I’ve ever had to deal with… but now I can’t think about anything else. We didn’t use protection, as far as I know. I certainly don’t remember a condom in the mix which means… well it could mean… and I have been sick since then which is a sign and I’m late too. Shit!
I leap up and get myself dressed in the middle of a haze of panic. I tug on sweat pants and a vest top, looking more like myself than I have since I’ve started wearing dresses, and I leave the room. Luckily Cindy isn’t in, she had some early morning group that she needed to get to, so I don’t have to explain myself to her. She’s taken a lot from me recently, I think a pregnancy scare might push her to the limit. She’ll hate it.
I wish I could go somewhere off campus to get this test, so no one can possibly find out what’s going on, but I can’t. I don’t have a car or the patience to wait for the bus. I need to know and I need to know now. Even if it’s just to rule the possibility out. I’d rather know that I’m not than worry that I might be.
In the campus store, they sell all kinds of family planning items, I suppose to deal with the constant sexual activity going on, but the pregnancy tests still manage to look seedy among them. At least there is only one option, having a choice might push me over the edge. I wouldn’t know which test is best since this isn’t an area of life that I’m experienced in. I grab the only one, and some other items too as if I think that might disguise what I’m really here for, and I head to the counter. I don’t know the girl behind the desk and to be fair to her she doesn’t bat an eye, but I still know for sure that I won’t ever be able to face her again. If I see her working behind the desk, I’ll turn and run as fast as I can in the other direction.
I grab a bag to shove my stuff in, taking extra care to push the offending item to the bottom of it, and I hurry out. All the way back to my room I feel like eyes are upon me. I have the horrible sense that everyone knows exactly what I’m doing. Almost as if they have x ray vision and can see into my bag.
Burning hot tears prick the corners of my eyes as I imagine the gossip that would ensure if anyone did find out. That would be even more exciting than Kade leaving, especially if anyone put two and two together and they realized that was the reason he’d left. Or not the potential pregnancy because he doesn’t know about that, but me. I would end up the most hated person on campus, especially as my belly grew and grew…
No, I tell myself firmly. It might not even be positive. Don’t get carried away.
I don’t know what I’ll do if it is. Having a baby so young wasn’t ever in my plans. I’m supposed to
finish college, to go travelling, to write, to live this care free life before I meet the real love of my life and I get married and have children… but if there is a baby in my belly can I really give him or her up? Can I have an abortion or give the child up for adoption? Can I do that to someone who’s half me half Kade? Oh God, I don’t know, my head is all over the place, I really don’t know what to think about any of it. It’s mad.
I’m not supposed to be the girl doing a pregnancy test alone, but I don’t even know where the father is.
I finally get into the room and I close the door behind me with a bang. For a few moments, I lean against the door and I pant desperately, trying to let some of the sheer terror ebb away before I do this. I need something of a clear head on before I take the scariest test of my whole life. I slide my eyes closed and I attempt to stop my heart from hammering away so hard, but nothing works. I just need to do it to get my answer. I have a feeling that one way or another, nothing will ever be the same for me again.
My steps towards the bathroom are tentative and slow, it’s almost as if I have a lack of gravity and I’m moving as if I’m on the moon. The room that’s become my closest confidant as I throw up constantly is now the enemy. I haven’t been able to think much in peace since Rhiannon and Cindy have been trying to keep my busy, and I certainly haven’t been in the mood for writing anything down in a diary, so all that’s been done here. Now though, it’ll hold my biggest secret and I don’t know if I like that.
I perch on the toilet seat and I run my eyes over the box, but I can’t see much because my anxious leg won’t stop jiggling. I sigh loudly and tear it apart, reaching in for the instructions. They’re long and seem over the top, but I try to read them all carefully. I don’t want to screw it up, buying this test was so traumatic, there’s no way I can go through that experience again. I have to do this once and I need to get it right.
