“Jesus, you’ve been fighting with this since Dullberth originally offered you the position, haven’t you?”
I looked at my desk and smirked, suddenly interested in those papers we’d both been eyeing. “Maybe…”
“Okay, that’s it. Dinner and drinks. Tonight. No excuses. You need a girls’ night out.”
“The decision is seven days away…”
“Ha. So funny how you see it. The offer was made a month and three weeks ago, so I see it as…the decision is seven weeks overdue!” She laughed, scoffing my procrastination.
“I don’t know if I can.”
“If you can make the decision? Seems Dullberth has done that for you, and good thing because I don’t know if you could either. But as far as going out tonight, I’m sure you can. Text Ryan and tell him you are with the coolest chick in Vegas. He’ll get it and definitely let you go.”
“He’ll say that I’m the coolest chick in Vegas and ask who else is going.” I stuck my tongue out.
“I bet he will,” she mused. “I just bet he will. Why are all the good ones taken?”
“If I go to Germany… maybe he won’t be…”
“Shut up that idiot talk,” she turned and headed out of my office. “Be ready to go at seven, I’m driving.”
* * *
“I like Jackie. How come you don’t go out with her more?”
“I dunno, Ryan,” I pecked him on the lips, “because I can’t tear myself away from you, I suppose.” I turned back to the bathroom mirror and dotted some cover-up on the dark circles under my eyes.
“Germany will likely change that.”
“Now? Right now, baby? You have to start that conversation when Jackie will be here any minute?”
He sat on the counter, watching me swirl my mascara wand in its cylinder. “Start? Funny you should use that word since I’ve been trying to have this conversation with you for more than a month now.”
I drew the mascara brush away from my eye and looked directly at him. “I love you, baby. I really do. And the decision about Germany feels really scary to me.”
“So you’ve said a thousand times. But why? Why can’t you allow yourself to be successful? Why are you so stuck in your present that you can’t see your future?”
“You know, this might be easier if you were possessive and begged me to stay.” I said it in an accusatory tone, and part of me meant it. I resented him for not making this easier for me.
His eyes narrowed, and he looked at me for a long time. I continued putting on my makeup and acting as if what I’d said hadn’t been incendiary at all. “Is that really what you want?” he finally said, his face incredulous. “Is that who you expect me to be?”
I didn’t have time for this conversation right now, and even if I did, I wasn’t ready for it. I changed my demeanor, switching to a playfully flirtatious voice as I replied, “I don’t expect you to be anything, love.” I pressed my lipsticked lips into a piece of tissue and stepped over to him. “Except the beautiful man that you are.” I stood between his parted legs, pressing my pelvis against the counter and leaning into him. “And, of course, the phenomenal lover part is nice, too.” I winked at him and kissed his cheek, leaving a big red lipstick impression. As I leaned back, I admired my work, smiling.
He grabbed my ass. “You look good tonight. Am I going to lose you to some irresistible stranger in the bar?” He raised a hand and delicately moved my bangs away from my eyes with one finger.
“Not a chance.”
“Maybe he’ll try really hard. I know if I saw you across the bar, I would.”
I smiled. “You already tried as hard as you needed to get me, and now, you’re stuck with me.” I nestled into his chest.
“Well, good, because you’re stuck with me, too.”
My heart thumped in my ears at the thought. “Even if I go to Germany?”
“What?!” He pulled back and tried to look me in the eyes.
I looked down at his crotch, “Nothing.” I hadn’t meant to say that out loud.
“Oh, my God, that’s it. This whole time…” He smacked his forehead. “Holy fuck!”
“This whole time, what?!”
“Jen, you’ve got to be kidding me. You keep deflecting Germany and refusing to talk about it because you think we’re done. Is that it? You think somehow Germany ends us?”
My stomach was lead, and I prayed for Jackie’s arrival. I looked at my hands as my fingers tangled and untangled themselves. “I think a year is a long time, and I don’t know what comes after Germany either. So maybe more than a year…and next thing you know…” I shrugged. “It’s the way of things. And I wouldn’t blame you.”
“Wow. Holy shit. I don’t even know where to begin with you sometimes. I wonder if I know you at all.”
Honk, Honk. “That’s Jackie,” I said. And her timing could not have been better. I felt my shoulders relax as the horn interrupted us.
“I know,” Ryan replied, rolling his eyes. He brushed my lips with an exasperated kiss and lightly smacked my ass. “Go. Have a good time. We’ll talk when you come home.”
* * *
Jackie took me to an amazing Teppanyaki place I had never tried. Japanese cooking was always one of my favorites, and Jackie had chosen well. The place was well appointed, decorated in an Asian theme complete with an aquarium at the entrance and a sushi bar near the front. It smelled of ginger, soy, and incense spices, making me suddenly hungry for anything Asian. As they guided us toward our table, we passed a Buddha statue with coins stacked all over him and crossed an indoor bridge that extended over a coy pond. Our table seated eight, and we ended up being guests number five and six to arrive—perfect seating. It was dark enough inside that you could maintain a sense of private dining, and everyone could be sufficiently wowed by the flames of the Teppanyaki finale. The lighting was still bright enough that we could see each other and make light conversation. We spoke cordially with the other guests at the table, finding out that two of the couples were on first dates and the third couple was a pair of friends from Montana who ate at steak places far more often than at a place like this one.
The tang of the ginger salad dressing was barely disappearing from my palate as the chef slid some shrimp and chicken onto my plate to join the already steaming soy-sauced fried rice. Jackie and I made small talk and caught up on all that had happened since we’d last spent any real time with one another. She’d taken up dirt biking with her most recent boyfriend who was—as all her boyfriends were—on again, off again. She also had enrolled in scuba classes and planned her next adventure to Hawaii to scuba in the coral reefs. I told her of the guys and of Chris’s accident. And I caught her up on my children, Kelsea and Zion. My kids were fledgling adults, and I loved how far they’d come in finding themselves. My daughter, now married, lived in my old house and worked toward her master’s degree. Her husband was a tall, dark, and handsome professional running his own podiatry practice in town. And my son, determined to be a comedian since he was in elementary school, was already touring as an opener for other comedians. I was a proud momma and loved catching up with Jackie. It was an amazing meal, possibly paired with a bit too much plum wine.
We left the Teppanyaki place, and I knew that Jackie was going to find a place where we could talk about Germany and Ryan. I had successfully avoided the conversation thus far and intended to continue to dodge for as long as possible. She took us to a nearby bistro with a live acoustic band and an attached microbrew. The place smelled of hops and ale. The distressed wood floors made the whole place feel as if you stepped inside of an old world wooden European beer cask.
We settled into a u-shaped booth lined with padded vinyl benches and a circular solid wood tabletop reminiscent of the end of a keg, only larger. The tabletop was heavily lacquered that the food menu permanently glazed into it.
The brewmaster’s selections were written in chalk on boards that were strategically placed all around the bistro; I selected the Alaskan Amber. Neither of us had room for any more food. This place was for the brew, the band, and, regardless of what I wanted, the conversation that Jackie had been building up all night.
As we awaited our beers, we listened to the band. Their acoustic sound was calm and smooth, a step beyond the smooth background music of a coffee shop, but definitely a step back from so many other breweries in town that allowed over-the-top electric guitar riffs to overwhelm the atmosphere. I loved the ambiance. Jackie had outdone herself this evening.
A few minutes later, I sipped my ale. The brewmaster had done well, finding a balance between the basic amber and customized blends of sweet honey and spices like clove. The brew was refreshing and heady. My eyes widened as I swallowed that first sip. “Wow! That’s good! How’d you hear about this place?”
“One of the benefits of being single—dates.” We both laughed.
“Was this place the scene of a good date? Or did you run screaming from the place, and I’m supposed to be the one that erases that memory?”
“Let’s just say, I’m still single.” She took a deep breath and exhaled in a cleansing way—the kind of breath that said we were about to get serious. I had hoped she wouldn’t dive right in so soon, but I guess she’d waited all through Teppanyaki. I tensed. “Soooo….”
“He already knows.” I tried to cut her off at the pass. If she was going to demand that I talk to Ryan, maybe I could convince that I was well on my way, and we could talk about something else.
“What?”
“Before we came out tonight, we sort of broke the topic open. He knows I am afraid of losing him.”
“And….”
I shrugged.
“How’d it go?”
“It went like it always goes with him,” I said with a sigh. “Really well.” No matter what the topic was, Ryan had a knack for handling it ideally. It was actually somewhat exasperating that he never seemed to break through and become imperfect like the rest of us. “He actually acted surprised, like he had no idea that I would feel this way. And then he said that he sometimes thinks he doesn’t even know me.” I shrugged again. “We’re supposed to talk again tonight, but maybe I’ll be too drunk.” I took a good long swig of my Amber.
“As strong as you are, you really slay me sometimes. You were the fastest sales associate to regional manager. You had the highest grossing sales in that region that they’ve ever seen. And the store managers in your region love you! Those things together are like an act of God. Plus you single-parented two kids right out of the house and off to successful lives of their own. And here you sit on the brink of further success, and you seem like some namby-pamby weak little girl over losing a guy who is head over heels for you. What is up with you?”
I shrugged.
“Nope, that’s not gonna work for me tonight, girlfriend. Maybe you need to chug a few more beers before you can find a better answer than that, whatever it takes, cuz that,” she pointed in my direction, moving her finger in a circle to be sure that I was clear that she meant all of me, “that is not gonna work for me.”
The band took a break, and the place suddenly felt more intimate and private. I excused myself to the bathroom, feigning a call of Mother Nature. I fixed my lipstick and texted Ryan to tell him I was having a great time. Then I hemmed and hawed, trying to use up more time. Eventually, I knew I needed to go back out there and face Jackie, and, unlike Ryan, she wasn’t patient when it came to holding me accountable and expecting me to explain my behavior. I took one last look in the mirror before reporting back for what I was sure would be an inquisition.
I had barely sat back down when Jackie began, “Let’s talk like girls. We used to hang out a lot more when we were both entering sales. And you talked to me back then. I realize that I am not a fast-track fancy regional sales manager like you, but I’m still the same Jackie.”
“Jackie, stop. It isn’t about you. It’s definitely me. In all facets of my public life, I’m successful. But after two failed marriages and a string of terrible boyfriends, I’m privately a failure, and I know that…” I trailed off.
We sat in silence. I sipped my beer, and Jackie sat there looking stunned. As I looked at her, mouth gaped open; I couldn’t tell if she was angry or surprised. But given our history, I assumed the latter. “A real shocker, huh?” I said. “Here you were envying me and little did you know…”
“That’s not it, Jen. Yeah, sure, I envy you, but for what you have with Ryan as much as any professional success you’ve had. I don’t understand you. I really don’t get why you keep looking for ways to personally fail. You aren’t like that at work.”
“That’s because I don’t fail at work.”
“Maybe you don’t fail at work because you look for ways to succeed, instead of looking for ways that you might fail. Avoiding failure is not the same as succeeding.”
“I dunno, Jackie.” She had a point, and I’d not really ever looked at it that way. I wanted success in all areas of my life, but on one side, I sought success and on the other, I hoped not to fail. Just having this reality served up to me made me feel silly for working this way and for the answer being so seemingly obvious to Jackie and likely others. “I don’t have the answers. I feel good at work,” I floundered to explain myself, “and competent. I can connect when I’m there. and with friends and family, too, I have no problems. I trust you and Talia, and I know we will be fine even if I don’t see you for months. And the kids? They are my heart and soul, always my first priority, and I don’t feel doubts or fears about my relationship with them.” I looked at my hands, and then up to her, shrugging and pursing my lips.
She shrugged back. “So where’s the ‘privately a failure’ part? All of those things sound like the woman I know.”
I swigged my beer and exhaled heavily, rolling my eyes. Jackie was asking the questions, but it was me who needed the answers. There was only one place where I felt inadequate, one place where failure always seemed imminent. “Men,” I said, as if the one word alone could explain. She shrugged and slapped her hands on the table. “I mean, that’s what I know,” I said defensively. “That was the whole answer. It is the one place in my life where I consistently fail, and it seems that the best I can hope to do is to ‘avoid failure,’ as you so eloquently put it. And Ryan is special. He is the first guy I’ve been with where I’ve not thought about it that way or at least the first guy since whenever I can remember. And goddamn it. I don’t wanna risk losing that.”
“Who says, you’re gonna lose it? Who said your relationship with Ryan hangs in the balance?” Jackie seemed genuinely confused.
My mind hurt. I knew Germany would jeopardize the one perfect relationship I’d ever had in my life. It had taken years to build this beautiful perfect thing with Ryan, and Germany threatened to take that away. Men get bored. Men leave. Men don’t generally need excuses like Germany. Yeah, Ryan was different than most, but a one-year separation is no walk in the park. I knew that if Ryan and I made it through, it would be a miracle. And I didn’t need to defend that reality to Jackie or anyone else. I eyed her. “Isn’t this a girls’ night out? This conversation is too deep to qualify to be here.”
“This conversation is exactly why I brought you out here. I wanted to loosen you up a little and talk some sense into you.” I grimaced and rolled my eyes, dropping my hands from the table to the tops of my thighs. “Look, I’m just saying, talk to him. He loves you. He loves you enough to let you go to Germany and continue your success. Maybe you should love him enough to be honest with him. Your fears are likely unfounded, but, at least telling him will allow him to tell you that himself, and maybe to alleviate some of them.” I rolled my eyes and exhaled loudly in her direction. “Fine. Fine. I’ve said my peace. But you’d be a jackass if you just
let him slip through your fingers, and stupid if you try to tie him down. You guys work fine just as you are, so be at peace with it.”
“I’m presently at peace with this beer. And it looks like the band is back, thank God. Maybe they can shut you up.” I smiled and stuck my tongue out as she pushed my elbow off the table.
Chapter Seven
Settling into bed a few hours later, I felt relieved to find Ryan there. I didn’t expect him to have left, but somehow, every day that I found him still here, I felt a sense of muscular release and an emotional sigh.
Our sheets were soft and satiny, a high thread count and years of wear had made them feel buttery smooth. I delighted in the sensation as I slid across from my side of the bed and snuggled into the warmth of his side. He stretched and slid an arm out. I accepted the invitation and laid my head on his chest. His arm curled around my back and slowly stroked my hip. “Hey, babe. Didja have fun?”
“Sure. I had a good time. Jackie’s really good people.”
“Good…I’m glad.” He reached up and stroked my cheek, his hand coming to rest again on his chest as his breathing deepened and he drifted back to sleep.
I felt at peace here in his presence. Even in the stillness of the early morning hours, lying next to Ryan was my most harmonious place. I didn’t want to go to Germany without him. I didn’t want to let go of this. I didn’t care that it wasn’t fair that he would have to give up his friends and family and quit his job. I wanted to be enough for him. I knew it was asinine and unfair, but I didn’t care. The crying child inside me wanted to bring him, her harmony, her peace with us. The crying child inside of me was a demanding and somewhat selfish little so-and-so. Today would have to be the day that Ryan and I would talk, and I’d make my decision. I would tell him how I feel and we’d figure it out, or we wouldn’t. Otherwise, at some point, I’d lose both this Vegas job and the Germany one, and that would be an even worse conversation.
Sunrise Fires Page 5
