I snorted through my nose. “Like I always do. Thanks for saying it, hun. Tell your mother I said hi.”
“I will.” And he was gone. I briefly jumped to the moment in Germany when I held the phone and prayed for him to still be there, on my knees, breathless with shock, the pit of my stomach and endless black hole of fears realized. I felt sick. My heart pounded in my chest, and my eyes burned. How had we come to this place? Why hadn’t I listened to Jackie and Talia and my own heart tugging me in his direction? I had been so proud and so fearful at the same time. Too proud to reach for him, for fear that he’d truly abandoned me. I shook my head. Stop it. Stop doing this shit, Jen. Go to London, handle your responsibilities and handle this trip the way you now wish you had handled Germany. It doesn’t seem such a hard thing to do. I knew that this trip was a measure of closure for me, a miniature reliving of a nightmare, a way of beginning over again.
Ryan occupied an undercurrent of thoughts as I arrived in London and met with the general manager and construction foreman. We ran over how construction was going and what the GM envisioned stocking on the store’s shelves—what products would sell best in London and so forth. He was astute and a native Briton, so he had a leg up on cultural understanding that I had lacked in Germany. This store would do well when it opened next year. We were hoping for late spring or early summer for the grand opening, and it seemed that the store was right on track.
While I was there, I had time to consider Ryan and Germany, and the new relationship that we were building. I really thought about what love meant and what it required. Today, it seemed ridiculous to believe that nothing should change in a relationship. I remembered feeling so strongly about ensuring that everything stayed the same, for fear that I’d lose the magic of what we had. And now, it seemed so obvious that things are always changing—it is the very nature of life. And I should simply accept that change is a part of that. I didn’t mind the changes that had taken place in my own life over the past couple of years. The professional experience in Germany had been an amazing learning experience and had launched me into this amazing new opportunity to travel and still find success within the Huntington’s store that I loved so much. I had moved to San Diego, finally finding a place near the beach where I could truly feel at home when I was home. And my kids were now out of my house and living their own adult lives. Through all of these life changes, I was fine, and I found joy and happiness.
So why hadn’t I been able to accept that the same is true in love? I had destroyed my relationship with Ryan because I was so convinced that we could not survive the changes that Germany brought. Looking back now, I realize that we likely could have survived and saved ourselves quite a bit of heartache and pain if I had not been that way. I called Talia in hopes of working it through.
“Hey, hun. How’ve you been?”
“Oh, Talia, being here in Europe, now that Ryan and I are together again, it gives me the creeps and has me stuck in introspection, self-dissection. And I wonder if you will talk to me about what you saw when you were in Germany that winter.”
“Oh, girl.” I picture her rolling her eyes as she sighed heavily into the phone. “Why are you revisiting this? Planning on a bath of razor blades and alcohol later this evening, too?”
I laughed at the imagery. “In fact, I’ve skipped straight to battery acid skin lotion…” I paused. “Okay, maybe that’s too far. Disgusting imagery, too. No, hun, I’m fine. I just feel so far away from the woman that I was. I don’t really understand what was happening or why I completely cut him off like that.”
“Honey, you walked around in a little cloud of insecurity. You were so sure that he was going to leave you that you basically begged for it.”
“That’s not true. I was afraid of it, sure, but what the hell do you mean, I begged for it?”
“Jen, Jesus, every time the guy breathed the wrong way, you were sure he was going to leave. And you spent time and effort making double and quadruple sure that he knew he was always free to go. You reminded him that he could leave so much that, shit, anybody would actually begin to wonder if you wanted it to happen.”
“I just… I guess I just thought that if he knew he was free to go but he still stayed then, I would know for sure that he wanted to be there. And if he felt like he had to stay then, I would feel more like I had somehow imprisoned him.”
“Why’d it have to be so melodramatic? What if he simply stayed because he loved you? And what if you told him you wanted him to stay and you were glad he did?” She took a deep breath. “Back then, you would never do that. Somehow, that made you feel vulnerable, like admitting that you loved and needed him was somehow giving him the reins on your heart. The truth is if you both love each other, it happens anyway to some extent.”
“Wow. That feels pretty profound”
“Look, Jen. I tried to tell you in Germany to just call him, to reach out and show him you needed him and loved him. You spent so much time and effort being sure that he didn’t know that you were vulnerable, that you fell into a helpless little hopeless depression. Do you think that isn’t vulnerable? Do you think somehow you were strong in allowing yourself to be like that?”
“No. I guess…” I trailed off not knowing what to say.
“Do you think Ryan saw your relationship as real and authentic, and you as a strong woman when you did that?”
“No. He basically said as much. He wondered if the whole thing hadn’t been as deep and true as he’d thought when we lived together. He thought I had played him.”
“In the end, you didn’t look strong or act strong; he got no special messages of strength and independence out of what you did. So instead of not appearing vulnerable or instead of appearing strong and independent to him, you appeared uncaring and callous.” I began to cry, sniffling into the phone. “Jen, honey. Stop it. Stop trying to rebuild or relive or analyze the past. Whatever you are doing isn’t gonna do anything for the present. Did you learn from it?”
“I hope so,” I sobbed.
“Tell me about you and Ryan today. What is the relationship like?”
“I love him as much as ever, if not more. And I feel like he loves me.”
“That’s the same as always. What else?”
“Mostly, I called you because I remember being so afraid of changes, any changes at all. And right now, I’m feeling at peace. At least, I’m at peace about the changes that have happened in my life in general. I’m trying to see change differently. And truth is I’m wondering why I saw it as such a demon before.”
“Mmmmm. I think you were insecure. And maybe you still are, but you’ve nothing left to lose in terms of Ryan. Maybe you should try to see yourself through his eyes or through my eyes, or Jackie’s or any number of people at Huntington’s or through the eyes of your kids. Be at peace with our image of you, and maybe you will find that the things that worried you before aren’t worth sweating in the long run. Listen, girl, I’ve gotta run. Roller derby practice starts in half an hour, and I’m not ready at all. I love you. Stop worrying!” She picked up her pace as she wound down the phone call, ending with, “And next time you call, I wanna hear about European adventures. They’re far more fun.”
“I love you, too, hun, and thanks.”
“Ciao! Or Ta-ta or whatever they say in London.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Coming home from London felt far better than any return from a trip in the past year. I was excited to drive to Vegas and see Ryan this coming weekend. The weight of Germany had been lifted off my shoulders, and I loved the prospect of the ways that Ryan and I would grow and change as a couple and individuals in the coming months and years. Things felt on course, and I was happier than I could remember ever being.
As the carousel went around for the twentieth time and my bags still didn’t appear, I chuckled that Murphy’s Law had foiled me again. Someone’s bags
had to be the last ones off the plane, and I guess they were bound to be mine. I sipped the coffee I’d purchased upstairs near the gate and settled into a chair. My bags weren’t going anywhere, and now was the perfect time to breathe and relax.
I took a few cleansing breaths and smiled at my life’s circumstances. Who gets to travel to Europe on a regular basis and stay in all the best hotels in the most beautiful cities? And who has children who are independent and standing on their own two feet so early in their adult lives? And friends like Talia and Jackie were priceless; I couldn’t imagine going through life without their companionship and counsel. I took another deep breath and smiled as the carousel came around again without my bags. Still time to think about Ryan and his family and friends, and what they’d brought to my life. He was amazing, supportive, and loving in ways that I had only imagined might be possible as I’d dreamt of boyfriends and lovers when I was a child. He was one of the most fulfilling relationships I’d had in my life, and I was grateful for this second chance. I’d grown since the first time around, and I was better for it. My bag finally came into view, and I giggled privately at the timing. Maybe Murphy likes me after all. He knew precisely how much time I’d need to recenter myself and find grace and peacefulness.
I finished my coffee before getting up, letting my bags cycle three or four times in front of me before swallowing the final swig and grabbing them off the belt. My step was light as my bags rolled behind me. I could smell the sea almost immediately upon exiting the building; it didn’t matter that there were taxi cabs, cars, and people all around. Whether the smell of the ocean was truly present or not, I could smell it. Maybe it was just anticipation, but I didn’t care. There was peace and solace in the thought of it, and I almost glided across the parking lot.
There was someone leaning on my car as I approached. In the dim light of dusk, I could only barely see his silhouette, but I knew exactly who he was. I let go of my bags and ran over to him, throwing my arms around Ryan’s neck and smiling from ear to ear.
“What are you doing here?” I breathed into his ear.
“Saying hello to my girlfriend…?” He sounded shocked at my enthusiasm and surprise.
“I mean,” I stepped back from the hug, “what about work and such? I mean I wasn’t expecting you, and I am super excited that you are here. I totally didn’t expect it and—”
His kiss landed mid-sentence and tasted of the cola he’d been drinking—sweet and bubbly. I kissed him back enthusiastically. Gradually, he tapered the kiss to a pace of warmth and love; his tongue dulled enthusiasm’s sharp edge and deepened the kiss’ emotion, firing the slow burning embers of familiar passion - unhurried, every second worth savoring. His hands moved slowly over my curves, one of them finding my cheekbone and drawing me tenderly into him further. His lips played softly over mine, warm and full, teasing my exuberance into a more serious affection. And then he slowly wound us down and broke away.
“That’s more like it,” he smiled. I sighed but did not reply. Instead, I leaned into his chest and wrapped my arms loosely around his waist. “How about we get those suit cases before someone decides they’ve been abandoned?” His hand ran down my back and cupped my ass before giving it a playful smack to get me moving toward the suitcases.
Once they’d been retrieved and placed in the car, I was surprised that he stepped to my passenger side door. “Ummm, where’s your car?”
“Do you mind if I ride with you?” He paused and gave me a smart ass smirk. “Because I can find other transportation. Y’know this place is crawling with cabs and busses…”
“No, of course not. I was just…” I scanned the parking lot for his truck. “How’d you get here?”
“Get in, love. And let me in, too. I’ve got plans for you.”
As I drove, he gave directions, guiding me to turn left or right as required. And when he wasn’t guiding me, we talked of my trip. My hand drifted to his leg, palm flat on his thigh. It was real; he was here, in my car. London definitely wasn’t another Germany; it was the antithesis of that. I smiled as we drove on.
As we pulled into the parking lot, I was unsure if I even wanted to leave the car. Being in Ryan’s presence privately was enough. The restaurant was an Italian place I’d never tried before. I hadn’t planned on a heavy dinner; in fact, might’ve ended my day with a simple iced coffee on my balcony if he’d not shown up. I looked over at him in the passenger seat, and he was nearly bursting with excitement. I smiled and blushed, completely overwhelmed at the energy coming from him. Seeing him like this made me want everything and anything that was in store for me.
I leaned across the car and kissed him. “Thanks, babe. This is an amazing surprise.”
His smile broadened. “The night is still young. Thank me when it’s over.” His tone was playful, happy, and almost cautionary. I squinted at him, and we both reached for our doors. He was around the car and at my side just as I was standing up, “Madam…” he offered me his arm.
“Oh, my!” I feigned surprise and embarrassment. “I don’t mind if I do, sir.”
We stepped together to the restaurant entrance. Once inside, the hostess guided us directly to a table where there was a vase of flowers already in place; my breath caught in my throat. When my eyes flew to his face, Ryan was still smiling broadly. He motioned for me to have a seat. As the hostess stepped away, he gave her a nod of gratitude. The flowers were a mixture of carnations and roses, and the smell of them was intoxicating. I reached across the table to hold his hands. “What’s this all about?”
“I wanted your homecoming to be special. I’ve missed you.” He nodded toward the flowers. “Read the card.” My hand trembled as I reached for the card tucked so neatly among the stems of the flowers, held in place by their stiffness and the weight of the buds above it. I drew it out and immediately caught the faint scent of Ryan’s cologne. I drew the card to my face and smelled it, looking at him as I did. “I carried it around most of the day…what?!” I think his cheeks flushed with the slight hues of embarrassment. I smiled, already delighted by the evening. The contents of the card would no doubt make the evening even better, but we could stop right here and still this would be one of the most beautiful memories in my life.
I slowly and carefully tugged the card open, and then withdrew the contents. The card was simple—a flower on the cover and no words at all. The inside too was without factory-imprinted words, only Ryan’s handwritten, tightly scratched ones. Already, my eyes burned at how personal he had chosen to be. Already, my heart ached for the time we’d squandered. The thought that I could have been with this man uninterrupted for the past six years overwhelmed me. I felt surrounded in a cloud of fantasy. My lower lip quivered as I read his words:
Jen,
I have missed you while you were gone to London. I love you now even more than ever. And I am ready to start again, wholeheartedly and without reservation. You are the love of my life.
Yours,
Ryan
Tears spilled onto my cheeks as I laid the card on the table. I stared at it and him alternatively for long minutes, trying to regain composure. Finally, I exited the booth and climbed in on his side, wrapping my arms around him and kissing him, his cheek, his neck, his face, his lips. “I love you, Ryan. I adore you. I am grateful for you and for this life we are building. This is the best homecoming ever.”
The waitress walked by, and Ryan waved her off. He took my hands into his and looked me in the eyes. “I have no idea how we get to a place where we live together again, but I do know that I love you and that I am willing to work on us even from Las Vegas while you live here. There is no way to recapture what we used to have exactly as it used to be, but I’d love to build something new with you.” His mother’s words rang in my head. I immediately went back to that patisserie a month ago.
“I couldn’t ask for more, love. I can’t wait to see wher
e our future takes us.”
I didn’t move back to my side of the booth. Instead, Ryan and I sat side by side and ordered appetizers and drinks. While we awaited our appetizers, Ryan said, “There’s something else… .…”
“Honey, I don’t think I can emotionally handle much more.”
“Another surprise…” I shook my head. “Yep. But I’m not sure how you’ll feel about this one.” I took a deep breath. “You asked earlier how I got to the airport, well …”
“Yes… go on, Ryan. Stop it with the suspense already!” I punched his arm playfully.
“My mother dropped me off.”
My stomach dropped. “Umm, honey…” I paused trying to do the math. Ryan’s parents had lived in Vegas happily since their retirement more than four years ago. So if she was here in California, what was she doing here? It seemed like the math should be simple enough, and yet it wasn’t making sense. “I don’t understand, love.”
“We came down here together.”
My heart began to pound in my chest. His mother was part of the plan all along. I had not seen her nor talked to her since the patisserie, and even that had been a secret from Ryan. How would she react? What if she didn’t approve of us? I had not had a chance to show her how much I loved her son and how much I’d changed since we’d spoken, changed since Germany really.
“And she is coming here to meet us for dinner.”
I gulped and suddenly, all sound was muffled by the sound of my heart beating in my ears. I didn’t relish the idea of a showdown right here in this restaurant. What if she saw the flowers? What if she didn’t think I was good enough for Ryan? I breathed in deeply and slowed my breath, my pulse responded as well. “Ryan, hun, I met with your mother, before London and—”
“I know. She told me.”
“It didn’t go very well. She made some really good points…” I tapered off as I thought about the implications of seeing his mother right here, right now, right after Ryan has made it clear that he is willing to go all in on our relationship. “Baby, I’m not perfect. And I might not be the woman your mother would choose for you, but I am looking forward to building this life together, and I really hope that she can accept that. Accept us.”
Sunrise Fires Page 21
