“I forget how little you know of real relationships. I’m not going anywhere, and I love you so much that I would do anything to make you happy.”
He ordered his men to vacate the vehicle once we arrived at his place. I was still shaking and crying.
“Shush, Katie. Honey, we need to take this inside. Let’s go talk.”
Unfastening his seat belt, he exited the car as I held my head in my hands, sobbing harder because I knew that I had ruined what could have been the best thing that had ever happened to me. And now he wanted to talk? I didn’t think I’d ever met a man that wanted to talk about things as much as him.
When the door opened, he leans in to unfasten my belt. Before I realized his intentions, I was in his arms, being carried inside. Thoughts that this may very well be the last time crossed my mind as the sobs continued to spill out onto his shirt.
“Talk?” I said incredulously, between hiccups of breath.
“Yes, baby. Talk.”
His security detail opened the door for us to enter so Zack didn’t have to fish out his keys from his pocket. I was only vaguely aware that we were suddenly on the couch until I felt the soft plush cushions underneath me.
“I think we need to talk more about how you’re feeling. I was thinking on the way here that maybe you need to be able to talk more candidly with me about the inner conflicts you seem to be having.”
He handed me some Kleenex, but then began wiping away the tears from my cheek for me himself.
“Why would you want me to do that?”
I was scared that he might leave before he really knew what I was thinking, but never had the courage to say.
“See? That right there is why we need to talk more about what you’re thinking and feeling.”
Oh crap, had I just said that out loud again?
“I want you to be able to say things out loud any time you want without worrying about how I’ll react. I don’t think you get how well I knew you before we started dating. I wonder if maybe your reactions to things like moving in together have more to do with you not having the courage to take the plunge, when the last time that was probably when everything went wrong for you.”
“Stop doing that!”
I couldn’t help but laugh.
“What?”
“It’s like you’re always in my head! I barely have time to process something before you process it for me.”
“I don’t do that!”
He wasn’t yelling, but he was becoming very defensive as his voice began to rise.
“Yes, you do.”
I lowered my voice and inched away from him in order to put some distance between us and regroup.
“That’s my girl.”
A look I hadn’t seen in quite a while suddenly crossed his face, and I had no idea what it meant.
“What?”
“Nothing. Keep going.”
“I don’t know how you do it, but you seem to know me so well that whatever I’m thinking, you figure out. How do you do that?”
His smile was more pronounced than before, and it appeared as if he was enjoying this, which started to really piss me off.
“Katie, it’s written all over your face. Your every thought comes across in neon for me to read. I can figure out how you feel about anything just by the look you give me.”
“Oh,” I said, giving myself a moment to let it all sink in. Thankfully I wasn’t crying anymore, so that was something. “Well, that’s dangerous.”
“That’s the way it should be with us. Don’t you get it yet?”
“I’m beginning to.”
I just wanted this discussion to be over already.
“Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t, but I won’t stop loving you until we figure things out—together.”
“There you go again. Together? I’m so confused by that!”
Frustration poured out of me as I got up from the couch and began pacing, unconsciously twirling my hair around my index finger. It was a habit I had picked up when my hair was so long it reached my waist. Giving my hands something to do was freeing for some reason.
“I can see that. Spit it out already! What are you so confused about?”
I wanted to figure this out, and he knew it, damn him.
“What does this together stuff even mean? How does this work?”
Pondering for a moment what seems to be the best way to respond, Zack left the living room to pour himself an ice water. Then he tipped the glass in my direction with a look of “want one?”
I nodded because my mouth felt like the desert and my lips were rubbing together like sandpaper every time I spoke.
“Together is a term my parents taught me. It’s how a relationship with the right person should be. No worries of saying the wrong thing. No inhibitions that something may come out wrong. It’s just is how two people that love each other relate to one another’s individual thoughts and ideals. I don’t want you to worry about what you feel, what you’re thinking, or anything. I don’t care. Whatever it is, just tell me so we can figure it out.”
“So what you’re trying to say is that we should be able to share our lives and ourselves with one another without worrying that it may ruin everything?”
“Don’t you get it?”
“What?”
God, I wanted this night to be over with already. I was so exhausted. Who knew confusion and panic could make someone so tired?
“If we are right for one another, then all of that will not matter, because I should understand and be able to help you through anything. And you should understand and be able to help me through whatever it is I’m going through, too. That’s how soul mates work.”
“Together.”
I whispered it so low I didn’t believe he would hear me, but he did. His head shot up in my direction, and his smile beamed at me, as though we had finally reached a breakthrough. Maybe we had. After his explanation, I did feel more liberated, though time would tell.
“From the look on your face, I think we’ve had a breakthrough.”
When he gave me that megawatt smile of his, it took my breath away.
“I do feel more liberated.”
Crap! Well, he said he wanted full disclosure…
“Good, because I’m starving. How’s about we see what’s available on Amazon and rent a movie while the pizza cooks?”
“Peperoni and onion?”
“Of course.”
Leave it to Zack to remember my favorite pizza and have it on hand for last-minute, stay-at-home dates, like this one turned out to be.
“Why don’t you grab the movie, and I’ll grab our drinks?”
“Okay.”
For the first time all evening, I felt truly free. Not as tired as before, but maybe that was to be expected when one found herself suddenly liberated. Who knew? All I knew was that he was still here, and for the first time, I didn’t feel the usual panic when I realized—so am I.
Chapter Seven
It was well after two in the morning when the movie ended, we both realized that it was too late for me to go home. Did I stay in his guest room? Sleep on the couch? Find some room on the floor? I knew what I wanted, but I worried it would only make matters more confusing for both of us. But it turned out that Zack knew me so well that he took the burden right out from my hands.
“Sleep with me.”
When I turned to face him, he raised his hands in a surrender that was so refreshing I nearly forgot all my concerns and launched myself into his arms. Nearly.
“What did you say?”
“I want you in my arms tonight. I want to feel you against me as we sleep. I need you against me, so I know we’re okay.”
Okay, but that was exactly my worry. Were we okay?
“Yes.”
How he did that was still unnerving, but I was beginning to get used to it. Probably because he did it so often.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yes. Zack, okay. I want to feel you
r arms around me tonight. I need it, too.”
“Good, because if you had said no, I probably wouldn’t have been able to sleep a wink, and I gotta tell you, I’m exhausted.”
“Me, too, about everything you just said.”
He led me to his room, but it was the shortest walk, with no time to ponder the implications of what we were about to do. I wanted to feel his arms around me as much as I needed the oxygen I breathe. My fear from earlier was suddenly forgotten.
I was shaking so much when he handed me a shirt to wear that I nearly dropped it on the floor. He didn’t seem surprised, and placed it between my fingers, closing his much larger hand over mine for additional security.
Once I’d changed, I made my way toward the bed. He was already between the covers, and opened them up for me to enter, his naked chest prominently on display. My fingers twitched to touch his biceps, and my arms ached as I held myself back from going too fast, too soon. Even though we had made out several times, even sleeping together before, this was something new for both of us. A fresh start from the revelations from earlier in the evening. I was awestruck as to how easy this was working out. All signs of panicking were forgotten, and my worries seemed to have eased for the foreseeable future. Who knew? Maybe this actually would work.
My hand ran across his chest, with my fingers tangling in the patches of hair there. I was lost in the feel of him against me, so much so that I realized I was drifting off. His arm came around me to rest along my stomach. I felt secure, and safe in his arms. The sounds of his breath easing to sleep had me so relaxed that my eyes closed of their own accord. Long forgetting the reasons why this was a bad idea in the first place, I let calm and peaceful sleep take me away.
***
Away was a place somewhere far and remote. To most people, away could be leaving troubles behind; for others, away could bring trouble back into their lives. In the dream state, away could be either or both scenarios.
Maybe it was our discussion that brought about the troubling away. Maybe it was the subconscious not allowing me to relax in his arms just yet.
I knew the exact moment that the dreams began to change into nightmares. Randall’s voice echoed in my head, but I couldn’t make out the words. My tears began to fall, and though I was asleep, I could feel my body shake with the adrenaline running through my system as I tried to get away from his grasp. His clutches dug into my arm as I clawed to free myself. A moan escaped my lips as the pain hit me. I cried out again when I felt his hand close around my neck. This time I couldn’t contain the sobs as I tried to gasp for air.
“Please.”
I remembered saying it between gasps for breath. The sobs were now causing me to panic.
Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
I kept telling myself to wake up, but I just couldn’t break free from the hold he had on me. Then I screamed and cried even harder when he suddenly tightened his grip.
“Katie!”
In the distance, I could hear a voice I didn’t quite recognize yet. It was still too far away.
“Katie, come back to me! Please, baby.”
I cried some more when the hand around my neck let go. The pain from the gush of air that entered my lungs caused my chest to burn, making me cry even harder. My body trembled even more when I felt someone holding me tight, calling out to me as I rocked back and forth.
I still didn’t realize this was only a dream.
“Please, baby, wake up. You’re scaring me. Shush.”
That was all I could make out between my sobs. I wanted so desperately to be with whomever was talking to me. Holding me. But I could only moan the pain away as tears streamed down my cheeks.
“Please, baby.”
That was a lot clearer than before. Closer. Again I felt the arms around me tighten. They were holding me, but not suffocating me in any way. These arms were safe. I could feel it, and it gave me the strength I needed to wake up.
When he called for me again, I opened my eyes—free at last from the nightmares that plagued my existence.
“There you are.”
He said it with a sigh of relief, but I’m confused until he rocks us both, whispering love and support into my ear. His hot breath against my neck caused goosebumps on my arm and tingles down my spine.
Zack.
I knew right away, even in my sleep, that it was Zack. He’s my lifeline.
“I’m sorry.”
“Shush. It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not okay! I’m so sorry.” Tears stung my eyes as they continued to fall. “This is why I shouldn’t move in with you, or anyone. I’m a complete mess. I shouldn’t be around other people, causing them to lose sleep, too.”
“We should talk about this later. Not now, when you’re this upset.”
“I’m sorry.”
“If you say that again, I’m going to have to find inventive ways to quiet you.”
I laughed out loud at his ludicrous remark. How would he do that exactly, and did I really want to know? I wondered if I should say it again, just to see what he would do.
“Don’t even think about it.”
Smirking at him, I just tightened my hold around him.
“Are you okay?”
“What happened?”
“You don’t remember?”
“I remember the nightmare, but nothing else.”
Unsure whether to discuss it with me now when it’s so raw or to wait until later, Zack contemplated his next move as though trying to figure out this year’s budget. His eyebrows bunched together. How unnerving it was to see the man you loved worry so much over you.
“Just tell me, please.”
“When I realized something was wrong, you were whimpering, then you began crying out in pain. I thought you were having a nightmare, but you wouldn’t wake up, so I pulled you into my arms and told you how much I loved you and how safe you were. Until you came back I was freaking out, scared to death you were actually being hurt.”
His pain was evident in his expression.
“I can’t do this, Zack.”
“Do what?”
“This! I can’t stay here. With you. Like this.”
“Why not?”
“Why not? Are you serious?! Look at what happened tonight.”
“Katie…”
But I was no longer listening. Instead, I grabbed my clothes and ran out of the room before he had time to catch up with me. I was out the door when I heard him behind me, trying to catch up.
“Katie! Wait!”
***
Gone!
I couldn’t believe that she just ran out the door and into the night without a trace. How had everything fallen apart so quickly? One minute we were together, holding each other sleeping, and the next, she’s gone.
“Did you find her?” I asked my security detail, who looked at me as though I’d lost my mind.
“Please, you have to find her.”
I’d already pushed all my meetings until next week. I couldn’t bear the thought of her out there somewhere, so lost and confused without me.
Then I dialed the first person I could think of to get her back to me.
She answered on the first ring.
“Don’t worry. She’s alright.”
“Oh, thank God. Where is she? I have to see her.”
“She doesn’t want to see you right now.”
“What the fuc…”
“Zackary! Language!”
“Fudge! Sorry. I have to see her.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why do you have to see her? She’s not in a good place right now. What makes you think you seeing her will help anything?”
“If she’d only listen, she’d realize that I love her.”
“Right now she’s scared to death and unable to comprehend the validity of your proclamations of love.”
“I understand that, but she still needs me.”
“You sure that’s what she needs right
now? You?”
“I’ve had enough of this shit. I have to see her right now, damn it!”
I slammed the phone down so hard that the desk shook. Then I grabbed my coat and headed for the door.
“Find her right now!” I screamed at my security people, who scrambled to find any leads on her whereabouts.
I just kept walking straight for the door out to the waiting car that sat idle by the curb outside the courthouse.
“Did you find her?”
My harsh tone told my people that I wouldn’t take no for an answer.
“We found her, sir, but are you sure it’s a good idea to go barging in on her right now?”
“What is it with everyone telling me what’s best for her? Yes! Take me there right now!”
What was wrong with all these people? She didn’t need distance. She needed me.
***
The car pulled up to the front of the two-story building. There was not any indication that it was anything other than a plain old house that needed a bit of upkeep. Otherwise, it wasn’t anything worth mentioning. Why she was here, I had no idea.
She sat in one of the chairs in the back, her legs raised to her chest, her arms wrapped so tightly around her toes they were white.
I just stared at her. She never looked up when I stood in front of her.
“Katie.”
I whispered it, but she wasn’t paying attention. She seemed lost in her thoughts of times long since gone, but not forgotten.
“Please, baby.”
I said it in a tone that threatened to unman me.
She looked up when my voice cracked.
“Zack?”
“Yes, baby, it’s me.”
“What are you doing here? How did you find me?”
“Together, remember?”
She burst into tears, but I refused to back down. I took her into my arms before lowering myself and her into the chair together. Sniffing her hair, I nuzzled her neck, whispering words of support and love.
“Please, baby, let me help you. I love you. We can do this together.”
“How?”
“Oh, Katie. When you left this morning, I thought I’d lost you.”
“How can you help me?”
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